Two years ago, after lurking in this community for about a year, I took the plunge and started this blog. It has been the only time in my life I have successfully kept any kind of journal. I've started many of them over the years, but very quickly lost interest.
I think the main reason I have not lost interest this time, or been able to stop writing, though I tried a few times, is you. My readers. I don't write for you, but the energy I receive from you has been invaluable to me.
I've made friends. I've felt, for once in my life, like I actually fit it in somewhere. I've learned so much about myself and in some smaller way about Musicman. I've shared secrets that I haven't ever felt comfortable sharing in my real life. I've received immeasurable support when facing unimaginable challenges. You just don't get that from a simple journal.
You have celebrated with me when things are going well. You have cried with me when things aren't going so well. You have sent me healing energy and strength to face what ever lay ahead of me. Many of you have prayed for me. Thank you.
As I look back over these two years I feel like I have come full circle. I started out struggling to figure out exactly what it is I wanted and needed. Then I struggled with overcoming my embarrassment of what I needed and wanted and how to communicate those things to Musicman.
Having this blog helped with that too, since he always reads everything I write. He rarely ever comments on any of it, but when appropriate, he does take action. Him being able to have this small peek into my brain definitely helped us get to a really great place.
Having this place to come to and get it all out has saved my sanity, or at least what's left of it as everything we achieved fell apart. That is where we seem to be now, back at square one. Some of that is through no fault of our own and some of it is.
I have no idea where we go from here. I know I want it all back, but going back is impossible. We could work on rebuilding what we had. Someday, we just might do that, but for now it doesn't seem to be a priority, for either of us.
That's not necessarily a good thing, because when I am able to be my true submissive self is when I am most happy. I want to be happy again. I want to be his "little faerie" again. I just don't seem to be able to find the strength or a good place to start. Maybe I will find that strength along with the answers I need here, in this blog.