Friday, October 18, 2013

Apologies, Thank You's and Some Clarity

I rarely ever do this, write a post instead of responding to my comments. It's just been such a long week and so much is going on. Sorry, but I hope you will bear with me this one time.

First, I'd like to thank all of you for the birthday wishes. It was one of the worst birthdays in recent memory, but ya'll did make me feel so much better. Thank you.

I've read and re-read all the comments and most all of you have said I need to stop picking up the pieces. I need to let my kids figure out things for themselves. I couldn't agree more. If it was just a matter of stepping back and watching my adult children struggle to figure things out on their own, I would. It wouldn't be easy, but few things in life worth having are easy.

There is one very important reason why I feel I can't step back and let them learn for themselves. My 6 week old granddaughter. While I can't go into specifics, things with my daughter are not going well and my granddaughter is the one suffering because of it. That is something I can not and will not tolerate.

My daughter crossed a line, a line I had specifically told her would have serious consequences if she crossed it. Apparently she either didn't take me seriously, or didn't care, either way, she crossed it. Though it broke my heart to do, I laid down the law and enforced the consequences. Or at least, I tried to.

Musicman, much to my dismay, negated the consequences. That caused a huge rift between us. A rift big enough that I was fully prepared to leave him. I didn't want to do that. I love him more than life itself, but there are certain things I will NEVER compromise on. And, may I just say, he has always known what those things are.

I really am not a drama queen. I do not make idle threats. I took my marital vows seriously and leaving has never been an option for me. Having stated all that, I was extremely serious about leaving. That is how serious I feel this situation is. If he is not going to back me in what needs to be done, then I'm gone.

One of the things I have known, for quite a long time, is that while Musicman and I always seem to have the same end goal, we never take the same path to get there. Most of the time, that's a good thing. He takes his path, sees and considers the things I miss and vice versa. Usually, we are able to meet in the middle, consider both paths and make the best decision for our kids.

That is what we have been working on this week. It has been beyond difficult. I know I have been overly emotional and he has done what he typically does when stressed. He closes down and shuts me out. Communication breaks down and we get nowhere fast.

We both have worked very hard to get those reactions under control and effectively communicate with each other. I've had to push him, but he has been doing his best to communicate his views to me. I've had to suppress and control some very volatile emotions, but it has been worth it to get to the end goal.

Do we have a good answer as to what to do? Do we know exactly what needs to be done to remedy the situation with our daughter and granddaughter? Not really, but we are communicating. We have had many, many conversations about this. We do each understand the others point of view and approach to the situation. We are working together, we have a tentative game plan.

Wish us luck, we are going to need it. Our daughter is about to get handed a major dose of tough love. She will have choices to make and if she makes the wrong choice, we could lose all contact with her and our beautiful little granddaughter. That will break our hearts more than we can fathom, but we see no other acceptable choice.





18 comments:

  1. No apologies necessary....when a child...a baby..is part of the picture it makes difficult choices so much more so. Glad to hear you and music man are talking....you are going to need each other. And no matter what choices your daughter makes...she is making them, and you are doing what you have to do....but it is very hard.
    hugs abby

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    1. Thanks abby. This situation has been extremely trying for everyone involved. Hopefully things will work themselves out soon and we all can have some peace.

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  2. As abby said, no apologies necessary. You know what must be done and I pray for the strength you will need to do that. I am so glad you and MM are communicating because your life w/o him is not what you really want. Prayers, positivity and most of all lots of hugs coming your way.

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    1. No, life without Musicman is definitely NOT what I want. Unfortunately, when passions collide, things some times get ugly. We have begun to work together on this issue and maybe soon things will calm down some.

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  3. I wish you strength, love, friendship, and hugs...

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    1. Thanks Terpsichore, I could use all those things :)

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  4. I know how that feeling goes and though I am sure your situation is a lot different than ours was I know the pain of the possibility of never getting to see your granddaughter again because o a rift of having to give tough love. Hugs and I wish you the best my friend.

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    1. Thanks Tiffany, I do hope everything worked out well for you, as I hope it does for us too.

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  5. I would like to send some cyber hugs and let you know you are in the prayers of all of your blogger friends. I just want to wish you well in coping with this situation. I know you are strong enough to do what needs to be done. Good luck.

    FD

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    1. Thanks for the words of support and encouragement FD. I'm not feeling especially strong, but that doesn't really matter. This situation has to change and it looks like I am the one that must change it.

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  6. Hugs, faerie. I've been both the married daughter temporarily back home with a baby and toddler at my parents', and the mom whose grown daughters returned with babies or were living with me when the baby arrived. It's not easy. My ex and I were ready to eject the babies' fathers living with us. And our girls - yikes. It is complicated being in either position, whether as the new-parent daughter or the parents/grandparents whose kids add babies to the mix.

    I also know there are certain things you can find unacceptable or intolerable. I feel for you. I wish we had been more formal in our arrangements. I think it would have helped to have discussed, negotiated and formally agreed upon expectations regarding parenting style, household duties, financial contributions, personal space and time, and consequences for violating those things.

    We all want to help, but when we begin to feel we are taken advantage of, or disregarded, it really grates on our good intentions. Meanwhile, there is a helpless baby who simply wants to be loved and cared for safely. That has to be the mother's priority, but if it is not, the baby lives in your home and you love her, so naturally you feel it falls to you to ensure that.

    Sorry for the rambling support here. It just occurred to me that I have had 3 daughters, plus D's daughter, with an assortment of 4 babies of varying ages, come live with me in the past several years. I had a toddler and preschooler of my own when the first baby grandson came with his mother to live with us. Later, there were back-to-back newborns living with us, and then moving on. A couple of my daughters also each lived at my parents' for several months with a different assortment of my grandchildren (not at the same time). It's no wonder my mother and I are so tired. ;-)

    Bottom line, you and Musicman have your lives. The daughter/grandbaby issue is an important interruption, responsibility, and love - including tough love. I hope the two of you are able to form a united front while maintaining good relations with your daughter and baby.

    You're welcome to email if you want to pick my brain. I probably had more failures with all of this as I had successes, so you should simply look on me as a source of crazy anecdotes more than guidance or advice.

    More hugs for you...

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    1. Ramble on Irishey, I really don't mind at all. While I know I'm not the only one dealing with this issue, I have felt very isolated by it. Nothing has been resolved yet, but we are at least talking and working together to find a resolution. I guess that's a start.

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  7. I've been the one handing out tough love to my parents and the rest of the blood-kin, and then walking away when they all thought I wouldn't. It was hard. It hurt. I needed it to move forward in my life, and don't regret it one second. I hope beyond hope that whatever you have to do in this situation that you won't ever regret it either. All my love.

    Stay SINful,
    Mr. AP

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    1. Thanks Mr. AP. I've had to hand out tough love and walk away with other family members before. You're so right, it isn't easy and it does hurt, but I did it and have no regrets. This situation is just so challenging because of our grandbaby. We both want to do what is necessary for her best interests, but we do so knowing we may lose her. That is not acceptable to us, but I guess is the chance we take.

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  8. I'm so sorry.
    If it helps at all (and my situation is NOT anywhere near as serious) my son is being a total asshat, the way only a 17 year old can be. And I'm tired of it, and I broke today, and the wife and I had a tussle over it. Just this morning I thought...I should just leave. No one respects what I have to say, what I think, what I think some solutions should be...why the fuck stay? I'm weepy and mad and hurting...so I understand a little bit of what you are going through.

    Wishing you clarity and resolution in your tough love...

    nilla

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    1. I'm so sorry you are feeling that way nilla. Sucks, doesn't it? I wish strength for both of us :)

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