Bittersweet

My mind is so crowded with thoughts. A huge tangle of things, so intertwined, I can not find the beginning, nor conceive the end. I hate when that happens.

This is my birthday weekend. I should be celebrating, or at least receiving a birthday spanking. I did neither. There are so many reasons why that is. 

Recent events have made celebrating my birthday so bittersweet. I will officially turn 49 tomorrow. It is the first time in 40 years I have celebrated without my brother. His birthday was yesterday. Had he not lost his valiant battle against cancer just 2 1/2 months ago, he would have turned 40.

We rarely had the opportunity to celebrate together, in fact, we did only once in our adult lives. His choice to defend our country, in service to the Navy, always kept us apart, but it never let us forget that rare bond. Now, instead of sending birthday wishes, along with my love, across the miles, I send them to heaven. Still such a bizarre concept for me.

Yesterday was a day of many tears and so many regrets. A day when I realized I should have done so many things differently. Unfortunately, there is no going back, no reset, no redo. I try so hard to live my life without regrets. I have no idea how to deal with the ones I associate with the loss of my brother. We all so naively thought we would have the time to do the things we talked about.  How wrong we were.

That lesson is what makes everything else going on in my life so much harder to accept.

In order to survive, I've had to set aside, once again, my own wants and needs, in order to accommodate others wants and needs. I just can not live as a submissive, despite the fact that it feels so very natural for me.

It seems they all need me, to organize, direct, provide and protect. I'm more than capable of doing that, but I find it's a lonely walk for me. It's a well worn path, yet, one I no longer wish to take. Though, I see no other viable choices at the moment.

Since standing still has never been an option for me, I  continue on the journey. I have taken the lead. I instruct, comfort, and give, until it feels as if I have nothing left to offer. When that occurs, I suck it up and offer more. I don't know any other way.

The worst part is that none of them actually listen to me. They ask for advice, then they go and do what they want. When it fails, as it inevitably does, because they have no respect for me or my opinion, they turn to me to pick up the pieces.

Musicman has taken refuge in hiding. He's faded into the background, not heard from until I demand he stand up and do something. Even then, his participation in the day to day challenges, is sketchy.  I no longer feel that I can rely on him to provide the support I need to deal with everything going on.

He did make a half hearted attempt. We actually found ourselves alone in the house. I suppose I should feel grateful that he noticed. I suppose I should be grateful he pulled himself away from his football game for 20 minutes.

I know I'm supposed to enthusiastically embrace the spanking he deigned to give. It was nice, but I needed so much more. In my mind, it was not the celebratory birthday spanking I craved. In my mind, it was much too short, just a stress relief spanking. It would have worked too, had he not promptly jumped up afterwards, complaining of some insignificant ache and declaring, " I should not have done that."

Well...thank you very much. Next time...don't bother. I can do this on my own. And, I can do it better.

Yes, he should be worried, so should my kids, cause I'm about done. You see, I've learned a hard lesson. I've learned that it doesn't pay to put off the things I want from this life in order to aide people who don't have any respect or appreciation for what I do for them. I'm done. I'm just done.

You would think by now that they would know better than to piss off a faerie. Apparently they don't. Time for me to step up and show them the reality and the consequences of their actions. And there ain't  gonna be a damn thing submissive about it.