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I see a huge ball of knotted yarn. I pick and I pick at the knots until they unravel. Sometimes, the unravelling is painful, necessary, but painful. I think I've picked my way through a few knots.
When it comes to D/s, I've realized that I have two settings.
Submissive.
Service.
For some, those might mean the same thing. For me, not so much.
When I am in a submissive mindset, I will do anything he asks of me. I will fly freely, inhibitions left by the wayside. He is firmly in charge. I am totally malleable. I will kneel at his feet. I will be his slut. I will not question. I will surrender total control. I will willingly obey and thank my Sir for that privilege.
When I am in a submissive mindset, I crave the pain. I crave the attention. I crave his focus, solely on me. I crave the well placed slap of the strap. I crave the blows of the paddle, as they reign down, robbing me of breathe, robbing me of thought. I crave whatever he wants to give me.
When I am in a submissive mindset, the pain sets me free. It allows me to fly among the ether. It allows me to experience life with all my most base senses. It allows me to feel, with every fiber of my being. My soul screams surrender, there are no barriers, it is glorious.
When I am in a service mindset, he is my focus. I will do anything he desires to give him pleasure, but I must be the one in control. I must be the one who orchestrates the dance. There must not be any move on his part to provide me any attention.
When I am in a service mindset, I do not expect, nor can I receive, any attempts on his part to satisfy my needs. My needs are satisfied when he achieves pleasure, by my hand. But, the pleasure must be as I dictate, he must be willing to relax and receive and let me control the situation. I can do this for him, if he would learn to allow it.
You describe the feelings behind the two feelings for you very well...the differences between submission and service.
ReplyDeleteDoes he prefer you being submissive or in service or is he happy either way?
ReplyDeleteFD
I think you have such great insight into who you are at your very essence. I enjoyed this.
ReplyDeleteInteresting how you separate and define the two. I never thought of them as 2 separate things....your perspective is well defined.
ReplyDeletehugs abby
It's interesting to see your perspective on this, faerie. For myself, I don not understand it, for me in any interaction with him, I hold no control. But you explained very well and I can understand how they are separate for you.
ReplyDelete(((hugs)))
Very interesting distinction-- that makes sense!
ReplyDeleteI can see how you have distinguished between the two and it makes sense, but like June i dont like to have any control, service and submission are very interwoven for me, being of service fulfills my needs as much as his because it gives me pleasure to please him, so by default i am getting something out of it.
ReplyDeletex