I've been having some trouble focusing lately. My writing, among other things has been suffering because of it. Why am I having trouble focusing? Well, that's rather easy to explain, stress. We all have stress, so why does it feel like I am no longer handling it at all well? Hmmm....
When I really stop and think about it, I'm not really handling it all that badly. I am currently experiencing and attempting to deal with, no less then three life changing events. One is usually enough to lay people low, that's why they are called life changing events. Those three things do not include the minor things that are occurring either, which just compound the amount of stress I have been experiencing.
No wonder I can't seem to focus, it's too much stimulus for me. I'm surprised I am not a blithering idiot 24/7. Yesterday, I was a blithering idiot. I guess you could say it was the straw that broke the camel's back kinda day.
Musicman is so tuned in to me that he has been asking me all week if I'm okay. He says I've been too quiet. That's what happens when I get lost in my own head, swimming among the stress. I'm well aware that he is also dealing with a large amount of stress and I do not want to add to it. I keep telling him I'm okay and for the most part that's true, until yesterday.
I had been doing pretty well keeping the anxiety about the job situation under control. I'm actively practicing patience. As my daughter's pregnancy progresses, I work harder not to stress about her less than ideal situation. There just isn't much I can do about it right now. We've been dealing with a rather critical home repair that is not going at all well. There isn't much I can do about that either, except be as supportive and helpful to Musicman as I possibly can. Which in general means, staying out of his way. He's doing his best to get the situation corrected, but in the mean time I see more and more damage being done to my home. Well, I'll deal with that after we get the initial problem fixed.
See, I really am handling it all very well. So what happened yesterday that reduced me to tears? My brother has had a set back and has been re-hospitalized. He's bleeding internally and despite the fact that he has had several rounds of chemo, it seems the tumor is growing, not shrinking. I'm frustrated because he is so far away that there is not much I can do but pray. I don't want to believe it, but I very much fear he is coming close to the end of his journey and I am not ready for that.
Yesterday Musicman didn't ask if I was okay, he didn't need to, he knew I wasn't. Instead, he employed some stress relief techniques like only he can. I had gone in to use the bathroom and change into my night clothes, which is just an oversized men's tank, it barely covers the naughty bits.
He was waiting for me when I came back into the bedroom. He didn't say a word, just turned me toward the lounge and bent me over. A wonderful all over body tingle was the result of a well wielded flogger. Musicman doesn't usually use more than one implement when we play, but he knew I needed more then just the flogger. I needed intense and intense is what I got. The magic paddle flew fast and furious, the blows fell so quickly all I could do was breathe. He kept up that rhythm until I could no longer stand up. I do believe he might have been in danger of being scorched from the heat radiating off my backside and thighs.
I was most definitely in that headspace where I will do anything he asks of me, and I did, several times. A little later, after I had come back to myself, he was ready to go again. I was teasing him, asking why I should do what he had told me to do. His response, "because you are my faerie and you do what I tell you to." Oh yeah, that's right.
Needless to say, I slept very well last night. Nothing has changed as far the stress in my life, but I'm feeling much better equipped to handle it today.