At What Price?

Sometimes I am astounded by the fact that Musicman and I have been together for so long. I'm even more astounded by the fact that even though we never labeled our relationship, it has essentially been a D/s relationship from the very beginning. It's become quite comfortable and sometimes it's easy to forget that I live within an alternative style relationship.

Then there are the times when it becomes glaringly obvious to me exactly what kind of relationship I live within. Unfortunately, those times happen when Musicman is stressed and drops his HOH hat. That causes quite the ripple effect. I scurry to safety behind my walls, resentment bubbles to the surface and silence reigns supreme.

I certainly understand that he has bad days and is tired and stressed and doesn't particularly want to deal with more of that when he gets home. I do my best to give him the peace and quiet and pampering he needs on those days. But, that isn't always possible, especially when kids enter the picture.

That was the kind of day we had yesterday. Something happened with our daughter, just a minor something, but something that Musicman could have easily handled if he had wanted to. Turns out he didn't want to. I know what happened, he was tired and didn't really listen to me or what I was asking of him.

Instead he went into defensive mode and verbally lashed out at me. That is very rare for us and I wish I could say that I was the bigger person and let it go. Umm...yeah...not so much. I felt attacked, unheard and unsupported, I shut down.  I virtually flew back behind my walls, walls that are so strong there isn't enough dynamite in this world to bring them down.

Despite the fact that some walls will never come down, I truly don't hide behind them most of the time. In fact, the one thing that is sure to send me scurrying back behind them, is him. He is the only person with enough power in my life to do that.

I may be willing to defer to him, but not if he is going to act like a spoiled brat. Yes, HOH's can occasionally act that way too. I realize now that he probably thought I was asking for more from him than I actually was. However, I am not willing to accept that just because he is the HOH he gets to treat me badly because he can't find his words and ask for clarification.

The sad thing about all this is the original incident is something so minor, something that should never have caused the breakdown in communication that occurred.  He was tired and fell back into old habits and dealt with the situation badly. He got the evening of peace and quiet he wanted, but at what price to us?