Thursday, May 16, 2013

At What Price?

Sometimes I am astounded by the fact that Musicman and I have been together for so long. I'm even more astounded by the fact that even though we never labeled our relationship, it has essentially been a D/s relationship from the very beginning. It's become quite comfortable and sometimes it's easy to forget that I live within an alternative style relationship.

Then there are the times when it becomes glaringly obvious to me exactly what kind of relationship I live within. Unfortunately, those times happen when Musicman is stressed and drops his HOH hat. That causes quite the ripple effect. I scurry to safety behind my walls, resentment bubbles to the surface and silence reigns supreme.

I certainly understand that he has bad days and is tired and stressed and doesn't particularly want to deal with more of that when he gets home. I do my best to give him the peace and quiet and pampering he needs on those days. But, that isn't always possible, especially when kids enter the picture.

That was the kind of day we had yesterday. Something happened with our daughter, just a minor something, but something that Musicman could have easily handled if he had wanted to. Turns out he didn't want to. I know what happened, he was tired and didn't really listen to me or what I was asking of him.

Instead he went into defensive mode and verbally lashed out at me. That is very rare for us and I wish I could say that I was the bigger person and let it go. Umm...yeah...not so much. I felt attacked, unheard and unsupported, I shut down.  I virtually flew back behind my walls, walls that are so strong there isn't enough dynamite in this world to bring them down.

Despite the fact that some walls will never come down, I truly don't hide behind them most of the time. In fact, the one thing that is sure to send me scurrying back behind them, is him. He is the only person with enough power in my life to do that.

I may be willing to defer to him, but not if he is going to act like a spoiled brat. Yes, HOH's can occasionally act that way too. I realize now that he probably thought I was asking for more from him than I actually was. However, I am not willing to accept that just because he is the HOH he gets to treat me badly because he can't find his words and ask for clarification.

The sad thing about all this is the original incident is something so minor, something that should never have caused the breakdown in communication that occurred.  He was tired and fell back into old habits and dealt with the situation badly. He got the evening of peace and quiet he wanted, but at what price to us?

20 comments:

  1. It is usually the minor things that trigger those intense responses. This is so usually because the major issues are stressful and we want to avoid them and keep tamping them down until "bam", the frustration breaks through. You know that old saying "you always hurt the one you love" well that always applies because they are usually the ones on the front line and they are "safe".

    You'll come through this as always. Hugs to you both.

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    1. You are right about it being "safe" to hurt the ones we love, but it sure doesn't feel good. He got over his little snit and we've moved on :)

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  2. I'm sorry for your rough day. Try not to stay behind that wall. You've come so far to be back there. Hang in there.
    ((Hugs))

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    1. I always come back out eventually, or he comes and gets me :)

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  3. It's those darn pesky little details that cause the most trouble. You will both find your way back, and maybe have learned something.
    hugs abby

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    1. Musicman often says I protray him as perfect here, guess he'll stop saying that now.

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  4. I have been guilty of doing the same thing when I am stressed and tired. I am sorry for your difficult day.

    I am sure you will be back on track.

    Hug,
    joey

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    1. Thanks joey, the problem is when we are both stressed and tired, the communication seems to go right out the window.

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  5. Oh Faerie, that's a wicked place to be. It's so hard to have one of the only people who have the ability to hurt us, lash out. I am so sorry. I hope you can come out from your protective walls and that he will take his place and find his role and be compassionate about the harm he did.

    HUGS,
    fiona

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    1. It happens so rarely with us that when it does, it's really awful. We're better now and maybe soon we will have some time to play and I can do an awesome post like your recent ones. Blogger has being a butt again and not letting me comment when I want to, but girl...those are some hot posts :)

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    2. hehehe...thanks faerie, that means a lot. i hope you get playtime soon. You could use the stress relief, I would imagine...let alone the make-up sex part...always wonderful!!!

      HUGS

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  6. My heart goes out to you. "He is the only person with enough power in my life to do that". That being the case I hope that you allow him the power to draw you back out. I know how hard it is when the one you allow yourself to be vulnerable for is the one that hurts you, but staying behind those walls will only increase the cost to you and your relationship. Hope you get back to flying soon

    Hugs

    bg

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    1. He really is the only one that make me feel that way thank goodness it is a rare occurence for us. If I don't come out, he'll come and get me :)

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  7. I'm sorry that it all worked out the way that it did. Sometimes we all just don't act like we should, no matter who we are. It's so wonderful though that love is a decision and a commitment, and not a feeling. If it were a feeling, we wouldn't always love our spouse. It is said "This too shall pass." It is a wound, but with love, it will heal. I will pray that you and your guy will soon be in each other's arms, making it all ok. Love and prayers, Belle L.

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    1. It really was just a collision of stress and tiredness that caused this to happen. It so rarely happens, that when it does it seems much worse than it probably is.

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  8. That sucks. I know, that's the part that doesn't really make sense with a power exchange dynamic-- the top isn't perfect... I hope you two have found your way back by now. sending you love and hugs.

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    1. Musicman often says I portray him as perfect, I don't, I'm just being honest. This is a rare occurence for us, which is one reason it felt so awful.

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  9. Sunny expressed it so nicely. Sometimes it's the little things that take us over the edge. We are all human. We all make mistakes. We all occasionally lash out at the people who we feel safe with - the people we love and care about most. I know it doesn't make it any easier to know that when it happens but it also means that everything will be okay again as we are all human. We all try to right our mistakes with the people we care about. And truly we want to show our love and our best selves to the people we love and care most about. I know you will find your way back together. But I am really sorry you had a horrible day and that you feel so hurt. Sending hugs and understanding, Terps

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    1. It really was a little thing, but it still hurt. I'm happy to say that it is a rare occurence for us, and probably why it was such a shock for me.

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  10. I hope things get worked out. Hugs

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