There have been so any benefits for me in blogging. Not only does the writing help me to sort things out, but the comments often give me added insight into what is going on. That has been the case with my last post.
Believe me when I say I am not as tuned in to what is going on with me as I would like to be. It has taken me quite a long time to figure out the that submission and service are two very different things. I don't necessarily like that they are two different things, but for my own sanity I needed to accept that that is the case.
I don't like the fact that when I am in a service mindset I must retain control, but if I don't it triggers something very bad for me. I go to a dark, painful place where the rage boils out of control. This has been occurring off and on for years and it has taken me this long to figure it out. I can often go long periods of time without ever tripping that particular trigger. Other times it happens frequently.
Much to my chagrin, it has happened several times in the last few weeks. I have gotten to a point where I can sometimes prevent myself from spiralling totally out of control, but I'm still not exactly pleasant to be around. I may not lash out as I used to, but I still withdraw into myself and quietly let the rage bubble beneath the surface, struggling to let it go. I've not been as successful at letting it go as I would like. It's is getting better, taking only hours where it used to take days or even weeks.
As for Musicman, I'm afraid he still has no clue what exactly is going on. That is my fault, because I haven't been able to articulate well enough to explain it. I'm trying, but it's not easy to explain a mindset.
Musicman is a naturally dominant man, but it is a very subtle dominance. I'm the one that has the need for more overt displays of dominance on his part. He has done a great job of stepping up and providing that for me most of the time. Then there are the times when he is tired or stressed or dealing with some frustration when he just isn't feeling it. He goes through the motions because he knows that's what I want. The problem is, I can tell, very clearly, that he is not into it, that's when the trigger gets tripped.
I can be of service, I can offer myself to him with no expectations of overt dominance on his part, as long as I can define how that service will be rendered. If he wants more then I am offering, I can't switch mindsets fast enough. I need the more intense feeling of dominance from him to get there. When it doesn't occur, I get triggered and spiral so fast that both our heads spin.
I don't like having to be the one in control during certain situations. I want to be able to serve without limitations, but that is not the case right now. I have no idea how to proceed from here, but identifying the trigger is a huge step forward, so I'll be happy with that, for now.