Caught in His Web

Sometimes, the urge, the need, to write, is overwhelming. Those are usually the times that my thoughts are so scrambled they aren't going to make much sense. The times that I can't even begin to grasp a tail and hang on until the logical end.  Cause there really is no logical end.

My mind bombards me:
objectification,
slave,
orgasm denial,

yes,
yes,
yes.

"Then why", asks my ever curious mind, "if I want it so much, does it make me feel so bad?"

Granted...I'm getting much better in dealing with it, but I still feel as if I have a long row to hoe.

It feels like failure. I'm not one that does failure so well. In general, it bothers me immensely. Especially when it's something I really want. I just never really accept no for an answer.

But how do I fix it? I always think I can fix everything. See above; about not taking no for an answer.

I've been fighting for an answer to this situation for awhile now. I think, maybe, I have been avoiding the answer. Because it's somewhat uncomfortable for me to admit.

I've known for some time now that it is all about the pain for me. Except it's not really that simple, cause the pain, without his control, just doesn't work for me. I also know that just because I have a burgeoning masochist fighting to come out, does not mean he is a sadist. Or ever will be.

So caught in his web, not really struggling to get away. It's a conundrum I feel eternally lost in.

Within His Boundaries

I've been a bit intrigued, mystified and in awe, of something that happened just the other night. It was a brief conversation, yet it threw me into a bit of a tail spin. It made my mind spin into knots that seemed way too complicated to even begin to try and unravel. Those are the times that make me appreciate housework.

I find it easiest to unwrap the knots while doing mindless, physical labor. I've cooked, I've cleaned, I've baked. I've folded laundry, gathered garbage and scrubbed until my hands are raw and aching. An aha moment was the result.

I've realized that I still continue to fail at being a good sub. I think back to the things he asks of me and realize that I still very much try to control and dictate how the situation will play out. My initial thoughts generate many reasons, excuses if you will, as to why I can't, or won't, do what he asks of me.

I have the stray, absent thought, that I deserve more from him, and then I can give him what he wants. Wow. What a fraud I am. In my heart, I know, that's not really the way it's supposed to work. Cue the guilt.

I've let him down, I have disappointed him. I've not lived up to the commitment I've made. I've let my imagination run away with me. I've pictured how it looks to me, never remembering that his point of view is vastly different from mine. I've wanted what I want, when I want, how I want it and if I don't get it, then he doesn't get a particularly cooperative sub.

A moment of realization, that does not exactly reflect well on me, but none the less, is the truth. It's like a virtual slap in the face. As much as I say I want to give up control, as much as I feel like I want and need to give up control, I realize that I still fight it, and him.

Yes, there are things he could do that would help me get past that, but how I picture it happening in my head, is not the way he operates. That's what I need to let go. I can't really dictate how he exerts control. I crave the control, but I need to learn to work within his boundaries of control.

I' m trying, I'm struggling, but I continue to try and get it right.

His Proposal

No, I do not mean a proposal of marriage. That came a few decades ago and technically, I think I was the one that proposed, but that's a story for another day. 

He proposed a new rule. Yes, I said a "rule". That threw me off a little, cause we don't have rules, per se. We have expectations, but not rules, and now he is proposing one.

He proposed a rule regarding a specific act of service to be done daily. My first thought, Ummm...okay, I could do that. The proposed act is something I enjoy immensely, so performing it daily would be easy for me.

Then I really started thinking about it. I realized that not only would it be easy for me, but it's something I really do want to do, for many reasons. I realized that this particular act would be a wonderful way him for to exert more control, something I would like, but don't push for.

There are many different ways this act can be completed, he knows it and so do I. I have let my imagination run away with me a bit. I've thought of all the many scenario's that could occur surrounding this act and the fact that he controls all of them. That is something I find very hot, something I really do want.

I also realized that if we really do put this rule into place that it will definitely help him grow as a dominant. He has always shied away from asking me for this particular thing. I'm not sure why, but I think he thinks it is selfish of him. That's it's something a man shouldn't ask for too often maybe? I know he believes whenever we are intimate I should always be satisfied. That's not something I am going to argue with by any means, but I don't think he realizes that I do find this satisfying.

If it were the only thing that ever happened, I wouldn't find it that way, but if he is in control of the situation, he can choose how it plays out. That's what I want, that's what I find so appealing about this proposal. It would be a blatant show of his control on a daily basis. Yep, I'd most definitely be good with this rule.

He hasn't really implemented it, yet. I don't even know if he has really thought any more about it, but I hope he does. I think I could get used to having rules if this is going to be our first one.

My New Love Affair

I always find it hard to come back here to blogland when I've been away for awhile. I just never really know where to start. While it was entirely necessary for me to take a step back while Musicman was recovering from his recent medical issues, I never intended to be gone for almost a month. As usual, life got hectic and time just got away from me.

Anyway,  it was important to me that I give Musicman the time he needed to recover without any pressure from me. That would not have helped him. I really wanted to be patient enough that things would return to normal in an organic way. I think I also wanted to test him a bit and see if D/s would return to our relationship without me pushing it back in.

I am thrilled to report that he has recovered quite nicely. In fact, much to both our surprises, things are better than they ever were. Neither one of us realized that the medical issue he had been dealing with was affecting our sex lives, cause it was never bad. Now, in hindsight, we have both realized that things could be so much better.

Musicman has decided that our lack of privacy(yes, the kids are all still living with us) will no longer stop us from indulging in playtime whenever the mood strikes. Let me just say, the mood strikes much more frequently than it used too and that makes me very happy.

Since the cane is a relatively quiet implement, it now gets used often. I am developing quite the love affair with the cane. I love the initial sting. Yes, it takes my breath away, but then I breathe through it.  The resultant burn that follows, spreads throughout my body, melting me along the way. Yep, definitely in love with the cane.

While the cane is a quiet implement, even when vigorously applied, I am not necessarily all that quiet. That has resulted in me almost always finding myself face down, ass up, with a pillow firmly planted in reach of my mouth. It may be wise to invest in a few shares of a pillow company, cause judging from all the teeth marks currently marking my pillows, I will need to invest in new ones on a regular basis.

So, that's what I've been up to in the last month, among other things. Hopefully it won't take me so long to talk about those things, cause they've caused the thoughts in my head to begin swirling with the need to write again.

Too much, yet not enough.

Life has just been a bit too much for me lately.  I haven't had the time, or the inclination, to come here. Just the idea of focusing on this aspect of my life has felt like a slap in the face. Like dangling a carrot in front of a donkey. It  represents a part of my life that just can't be right now. Something I crave, yet is impossible to satiate.

After a week of the pitbull standing guard, I was finally able to bring my Musicman home. He was well enough after a few days that I returned to work. I love my job, but, it consumes a lot of energy. No matter how much energy it consumes, it's just a small fraction of the energy I have needed to meet all my obligations.

So many extraneous things that need to be dealt with on a minute to minute basis. Way to wearying to even begin to outline. I ignore the weaknesses that come with the minutiae of life, the ones that threaten to drag me under. I stand tall and strong and face all adversities, all the while refusing to acknowledge that I am crumbling inside.  

I am a very strong woman. I can face anything life throws at me. I can go forever, like the energizer bunny, as long as I have one thing.

If I have my Musicman, 100% and at my side, I can do anything.

That is why I am feeling so drained. He's doing very well, recovering nicely, but not 100%.  He just can't be there in the way I really need him to be. Something he and I define quite differently I might add.

He thinks I need this one thing. One he is quite proud that he is able to supply. I am proud of him for achieving this thing so quickly, only because I know it is important to him. For me, I really couldn't care less. This thing he finds so important, truly doesn't mean much to me. It's something I can do for myself any time I choose, much to his everlasting chagrin.

He focuses all his energy on that one thing, leaving none for what I truly need from him. At this moment, I accept that, because I know it's a HIM thing. I know he needs to do this, in this way, whether it works for me or not. By the way, it doesn't really work for me, but I'm not pushing. I just can't do that right now.

I simply love him to much, to do anything else, other than wait for him to fully return to me. I know he will, eventually. I just hope it's soon, cause I'm not sure how much longer I can hang on.

Mind Dump

A mind dump is exactly what I need right now. The last 48 hours have been a nightmare and it isn't over yet. I have spent them fighting to get Musicman the care he needs.

Due to a series of mistakes on the original surgeons part, Musicman is experiencing 2 major, life threatening, complications. He is very sick and in quite a lot of pain. Musicman realized yesterday that it was wise to release the pitbull and let her take care of him. He really has no other choice as he is too sick to care for himself.

Musicman was re-hospitalized yesterday morning and it has been a battle with that particular surgeon since that time. I really can't go into particulars, but, I hit my breaking point early this morning. It turns out, threatening to "pull off his balls and feed them to him, slowly, if he came anywhere near my husband again," got the attention that was needed.

I really hate when I get pushed that far, but I sure ain't  afraid to go there when it's needed. I have been a professional caregiver for more then 30 years. I know good quality care when I see it and I know how to get it when I'm not seeing it. I wasn't seeing it and I did something about it. That's why Musicman calls me his pitbull, because I don't let go until I get what he needs.

The new surgeon came in to meet with us, along with the other 2 specialist that have joined the case since his admission to the hospital.  Musicman greeted him, then pointed at me and told him to speak to the pitbull. I am very pleased with the new surgeon. I now have all the doctors on the same page and we are making progress. We still have a long way to go, but everything that needs to be done is being done.

In a way, it's a very odd, kind of surreal experience, to be in that place. A place where my big, strong dominant husband, seems to have been reduced to a shell of his former self.  It's something that my submissive side, can't really deal with. I feel her standing in the back ground, watching, as the pitbull goes into battle.

Musicman and I have been in this place before and we will get through this. Most likely, we will be even stronger for it. At least, that's what I keep telling him. It really is as much a reminder for myself, as it is for him. I don't think we really needed this challenge right now, but I refuse to think of it any other way. I actively push the negative thoughts away and embrace only positive outcomes. That's not so easy to do in the late hours of the night, especially since I'm not used to him not being here in our bed with me.

Thank you all for the support. The comments, emails and messages have really helped me get through those long lonely moments. The moments, when his pain is under control and he's resting comfortably. I'm grateful for those moments, but he seems so far away. Those are the moments the scary thoughts try to creep in. Thank you for helping me fight them.



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If Even For a Moment

Musicman and I have been together for more than half our lives, and we're no spring chickens. I barely remember a time when he wasn't in my life. More than likely, that's because my life before him wasn't worth remembering.

He's always been a naturally dominant man. Other than the first couple of years, the years I think of as my learning curve, I have been naturally submissive to him. It's a comfortable place for me, a place I enjoy being, a place where I've always been happy and content.

He dictates where I live my life. He dictates how I live my life on a day to day basis. I dress according to his pleasure. I cook according to his pleasure. I conduct my business of the day, according to his needs. This is something I agreed to. I had total knowledge that that was what I was agreeing to, despite the fact that I didn't have the words Dominance/submission in my head, at the time.

That's just the way it's been for us, for almost 30 years now.  The kink side came into play much later, though I don't think we ever could have been considered strictly vanilla either. Sex has always been a strong connection between us, but the demons from my past, inhibited my ability to truly accept who I was, for longer than I care to admit.

Yes, I know, it sounds like I totally did things backwards. In truth, that doesn't surprise me a bit to admit. I have often done things contrary to what society says I should do. Life just seems to work that way for me, so I don't fight it.

There is literally only one area of our lives  that Musicman is not Dominant. That is when it comes to health issues. I in no way think it is a coincidence that he has such complex health issues and ended up with me. Arrogant of me to say, but I know he could have no better caregiver or patient advocate than me.  

Therein lies the struggle. He is naturally dominant. He is used to me submitting to him in how things occur in our lives. He doesn't necessarily do so well when life dictates that he turn over control to me, if even for a moment.

That struggle isn't going so great right now. The day of his procedure was more of a challenge than I care to describe. Recovery is going so far from what I conceived, that it isn't even funny. Part of the problem is failure on his part to listen to me. The other part of the problem, is failure on my part to figure out exactly what it is that he needs and securing that for him.

At this point in time, I want to slap the crap out of everyone, the doctors and Musicman included. I need to make them all listen to me. Something isn't right. I refuse to be ignored. There is no submission here. I am going to ride roughshod over several people, until I get the results I am seeking.