Hot, Frustrated and Cranky

 Did ya ever have one of those weeks? The kind of week where a helmet is absolutely mandatory to survive? That has been my week this week. Even the simplest of things have been difficult and frustrating.

There was no privacy for stress relief spanking, so we explored other stress relieving techniques.

This works great and I highly recommend it :)

                This is pretty effective too.    Bet ya didn't know I could still bend that way did ya?

Tuesday night we had some privacy, let the fun begin!!!

        


                                         Unfortunately, the boychild came home early!!

That put a damper on things and left me in a bit of a mood.












Oh, if only I had this in my wardrobe.



Finally, last night, all the chores that were gonna get done were done. We had a bit of energy and an empty house. Operation stress relief commenced.

It started with some of this:

     some of this followed,

                                He wanted to play "Guess the implement."

Mmmm....I feel so much better

            

I still have work to deal with and some some other things that are sure to frustrate. The heat has set in and we are going to be in the mid 90's today, ugh. Maybe he would be wise to keep the paddle close at hand.

 

Have a great weekend. 
                                                                                        

Retail Therapy

Nothing much happened this weekend, too many teenagers around. Doesn't mean we didn't have some mind blowing sex, we did, but that's normal for us. However, no spanking occurred, but the dominance was in evidence. That's fun, and needed too.

I'm having a retail therapy type day. I went to my favorite consignment shop and found several things, including a white jean mini skirt that showcases my butt to nice advantage. I think Musicman will really like it. Hmmm....maybe it will get me that spanking I needed yesterday but had no privacy to obtain. Bonus, it's 3 sizes smaller then I was wearing this time last year.

Along the lines of retail therapy is one of the tasks that Musicman gave me which I have yet to address. In addition to a wish list of things I would like to try, he suggested we get some toys. Seems easy enough right? Well...not really.

We don't have the greatest history with the use of toys. Years ago we had a vibrator. It didn't get much use and I don't know when it went missing, but we have never been inspired to replace it. I also have a set of Ben Wa balls. They are very pretty, all gold and shiny. They currently live in one of Musicman's dresser drawers. I tried them several times with little to no effect. After getting one stuck and worrying for hours if I would end up in the ER getting it fished out, we put them away. A huge disappointment if you ask me.

I suggested we go over the border to the next state as they have a big adult toy sore we could visit. It's not too far and would be an easy drive.  Musicman didn't like that idea. He prefers we shop online for our toys. I'm a bit leery of that as I have a history of picking not so reputable companies. I have been scammed a few times. So embarrassing!!!

Instead of just Googling toys, I remembered that I had read on other blogs about edenfantasys. So I checked it out. For a newbie like me it was a bit overwhelming. So much to choose from, and I want to try it all. I signed up for the newsletter figuring if I got frequent updates it would remind me to tell Musicman about it.

As it turns out I didn't need to tell him about it. Last Sunday, prior to our firefly hunting adventure he had me get my laptop so we could look at toys. I went to the edenfantasys website. We looked at and discussed several things. I did add several things to a wishlist  to look at again later, but we made no firm decisions.

He gave me the task of picking something, but I don't know what I want. He talked about maybe getting a ball gag, due to my lack of volume control. I will admit that even though I know I have no volume control I never considered trying a gag, until I read this post by Jake. It featured this gag which totally intrigued me.  

Obviously this is not a beginner gag, though edenfantasys does have one just like it. This didn't make the wishlist, a scarf or some such thing would most likely be a better place to start. I did locate one, launder it and it is currently waiting patiently on our headboard to be pressed into use. It could also be used as a blindfold, something I think would be fun too.

I looked at butt plugs. I'm not so good with anal and would like to learn to do that better. Musicman seemed sceptical about that. I think he is reluctant because of my history with it. It seems like in order for it to go well, the moon and stars need to be in just the right alignment, which apparently, based on my history, occurs less often then the leap year. I still really want to try though. We watched an instructional video on a beginner set. The only thing I really remember is that the girl in the video did a flame test on them. We both thought that was funny. When Musicman commented it was nice to know that if our home burned our butt plugs would survive, I about lost it laughing.

Of course I had to check out the selection of paddles and crops. Really, what spanko wouldn't at least browse those? I never thought I would like a crop. Then I read a few posts by the wonderful Conina about having the crop used on her breasts. Ooooh, yes please, that sounds like fun.

The last thing I looked at was a selection of vibrators. I know I said we had one and it rarely ever got used, nor were we in any hurry to replace it.  Well, ya see, Musicman has a goal. His goal is teaching me to squirt. I'm multi orgasmic, but have never been able to achieve that. He would really like it if I could learn how to do it.

I certainly enjoy his attempts to teach me how to do that. I even think I have come pretty close more then once, but so far it hasn't happened. That is why I looked at the vibrators, maybe one of them would help with that.  I've read that some women can't squirt, I hope I'm not one of them. That would be a total bummer.

So, what do you think? What toys do you have? Do you have a favorite toy? Have you ever used edenfantasys, or is there another company you like? If left to my own devices I would probably go hog wild and order all kinds of stuff. That pretty much guarantees that it would be overwhelming for both of us when faced with the actual evidence. Not the outcome I am trying to achieve here. Come shopping with me, any and all help, suggestions and advice is welcome. 

Why I Don't Want To Say What I Haven't Said

Many of you have expressed curiosity at this thing my husband has proposed.  I've received more than one email asking me what it is also. I have only shared with one blogger friend, and that was after she guessed what it was. No I do not want you trying to guess, and I'm not purposely trying to create intrigue. There are reasons why I haven't said what IT is.

The first reason is because it's embarrassing. This thing is something that I NEVER understood. Why  would anyone want to do THAT? It never struck me as something someone would receive any kind of sexual pleasure from. I do know that people do this and apparently enjoy, but I was never one of those people. There is a certain amount of humiliation involved, not something I have previously been attracted too. I still don't think I am, yet I am considering it. Confused much!?!

In past discussions about this thing, Musicman has not really been able to explain WHY he wants to try it. I didn't really understand that either. How could he want to do something, yet have no understanding of why? Obviously, I no longer think that way. I can't explain why I like being spanked so much, or why it turns me on.

The next reason I don't want to name it yet is because I find it scary. Let me be clear here, I am not afraid of the act, nor am I afraid of my husband. This is not something that will hurt me or mark me in any way. What I am afraid of is my reaction to it. Just the fact that I am thinking about it is a huge shift in thinking for me. When I say it has been a hard limit, I mean a HARD limit.

I still don't see it as a sexual act, but I do understand now that it could be a very powerful act of Dominance. It seems like it would really change the tone of our relationship, like it would really firmly give him the power. I know that is what he is looking for, cause he said so. He told me Dominance to him is all about discipline and control. I can't get that statement out of my head.

Yes, that is what I want, but what if I fail? What if I can't give him what he wants? What if I'm not really a good sub? What if I just want it on my terms? I don't think it is supposed to work that way. I would be very disappointed in myself if he asked for this one thing and I couldn't do it, or if we did and I reacted badly.

It also scares me because this has previously been a very hard limit for me. If we do this, it will be a redefinition of limits for me. How do I do that? What if I have no limits? That doesn't seem like a good thing. I have never been good with limits and boundaries, and now life long ones seem to be falling by the wayside so fast it is making me dizzy.  I'm just very confused by all the thoughts and emotions this is bringing up for me.

I would like to stress that Musicman is not pressuring me to do this. He mentioned it once and I have become fixated on it. I'm realizing what the implications of it could mean to me. I'm not sure I'm ready for those. Yet, the more I think about it, the more intrigued I am by it. 

Having just re-read what I wrote, I think the thing that scares me the most is the fact that maybe I am ready and am just afraid to admit it. For a women who just a year ago didn't know she was submissive, this feels like a giant leap right into it, and once I make that leap I don't think there will be any going back.

I don't know that this will happen this weekend even though he mentioned it. We do still have the issue of privacy to deal with. We continue to have carfuls of teenagers at our house in the evenings. Yes, we could tell them to go away, but we probably won't do that. Most of these kids are inner city kids from unstable homes. Some have been in trouble with the law, some have been bounced around the foster system and have no concept of family. One young couple that comes have a month old baby that they are struggling to care for on there own. I held the baby the other day and in talking to the parents it came out that Musicman and I have been together for 27 years. You could hear the shock and disbelief in their voices. 

Our home has become the safe place for these kids to come hangout at.  Even though we don't appreciate the intrusion into our privacy, we do realize it is better to have them here then roaming the streets and getting into trouble, and that includes our son.

I'm going to end here as I have to get ready for work. I hope this made some kind of sense, cause I'm too confused to know right now. For you very sharp readers, I left a subtle clue somewhere in this post, or maybe not so subtle.

            

Rusty Old Cars Need....

I had yesterday off of work. I had such plans for the day, get my chores done, answer comments, catch up on reading and maybe write a post. He gave me two tasks to do, I've thought about them, but haven't accomplished them, yet. I was going to try and make some headway on at least one of them. My mind has been reeling like a tilt-a-whirl with everything going on, I'm quite pleasantly confused. Writing helps me sort it all out.

I thought I was gonna write about how I can't stop thinking about this thing Musicman wants to try. This thing that previously had been a hard limit for me. This thing I said, "no, I'd never do that," when he mentioned it.

I thought I would tell you how he has obviously thought quite a bit about this. I know this because he gave me a very detailed scenario. He even told me what I would be wearing during this activity. He gave me enough detail that the scene is now stuck in my head.

I thought I would tell you how guilty I felt that I said that to him. How it must have made him feel to hear me say that. It really made me realize how lucky I am that he didn't react that way when I proposed this lifestyle to him. He so easily could have done that, but he didn't. GUILT!!!! Ugh!!!!

I thought I would tell you that all these thoughts and the scenario playing over and over in my head have gotten me very curious. I thought I would tell you how I put on the clothes he described in the scenario and basically gave him a vanilla version of the act. Tease much? Yes I do. Nothing wrong with teasing if you are prepared to back it up. I think I'm prepared, won't know for sure until it happens.

I was not able to tell you any of those things though. It might have been the pinched nerve in my neck, it might have been the triple digit heat or it might have been the fact that our son is up to his shenanigans again and I'm way stressed. I ended up spending my day laying quietly in an airconditioned bedroom due to a migraine. One of the worst I've had in a while. Full blown visual aura, dizziness and nausea. I barely got my comments answered and didn't get much reading done at all.

Several hours later I did start to feel better and was able to get some things accomplished. A couple loads of towels got done. Thanks to our son providing towels for ALL his friends who come to swim, we had none. It totally ticks me off that Musicman can't even come home after a long, hot day at work and have a towel to use after a swim or shower. I'm not thrilled that I have to wash loads of towels just about every other day either.

Musicman wanted to take a swim last night, after dark, he specified he wanted to wait till the sun went down. It has nothing to do with not liking the sun, it has everything to do with me swimming naked. My pool is situated in such a way that makes it very private, but there are a couple windows in the neighbors houses that we can be seen from. Once the sun goes down though, all bets are off.

I was five minutes or less from stripping down and getting in the pool when a carful of teenagers showed up at my house. Our teenage son came out and started questioning us about when they could use the pool. He was told he could use it when we were done, unfortunately they decided to wait on the patio for us to be done. I'm sorry folks, I might be a liberal type mom, but swimming naked when I know my son and his friends can hear us, even though they can't see us, is a total mood killer.

They were soon in the pool and we were in the house, my mood was not good. Musicman decided we would go up to our room and watch some TV in the airconditioning. Once we got up there and got comfy, my mood got worse, I was feeling quite defeated about the situation with our son.

Musicman asked me if I was okay. Of course I said I was. Really? He didn't believe me though, smart man. He picked up the wooden spoon and started running it over my belly and then he said something that just floored me. He said, "I think you need some maintenance, don't you?" Um....what? I think I may have mentioned maintenance once in passing here, but that's it. We have never talked about it.

I couldn't deny I needed it, but I did say that term made me feel like a rusty old car. He thought that was pretty funny, but it didn't dissuade him from his mission. He started on the lady parts and the inner thighs. SIGH. Then he rolled me over and went to work on my backside. Bigger SIGH. He alternated between massaging my butt and legs, all the way down to my ankles and spanking me. I would tense up when he was spanking, then he would massage and I would melt right back into the bed. Then he would spank again, then massage again, then spank again. He followed that cycle for quite awhile.

Headache, all gone. Stress from teenage son, all gone. My red stinging butt and I thanked him appropriately. Fun and frolicks ensued. I was so relaxed and just about to fall asleep when he said, " maybe this weekend." Hunh? This weekend what? Oh yeah, that thing he wants to do, maybe this weekend. He reminded me, it's not up to me, he is the one in control.  Ack!!!  I'm nervous, but in a good way.

He didn't give me a deadline to get these tasks done. He didn't say there would be consequences for not getting them done. But, I'm starting to wonder, cause he sure has been surprising me lately. That's a good thing.

Dippindots and Fireflies

Have you ever heard of Dippindots? It is a type of ice cream that is flash frozen resulting in it becoming little tiny round dots of ice cream. It has to be stored at -40 degrees so is not available in stores where I live. It is available at all the local fairs that occur all summer long though.

The reason I mention dippindots is because since starting this blog I realized that my memory when it comes to the details of our sexual adventures is very much like a big cup of dippindots. Each moment frozen in time and experienced to the fullest. Yet, I am unable to put the memories into any kind of cohesive timeline. Makes it somewhat frustrating to write about sometimes.

We had a lovely day Sunday, starting with breakfast and the newspaper. Old fashioned of me I know, but I love to read the Sunday paper. I was a bit dismayed when Musicman pointed out an article in the paper about the reservoir where we go to play among the fireflies. No fair, I say, that is our spot, how can they just go and tell the whole world about it.

He said he knew of another reservoir we could check out, maybe we could find a decent place to play among the fireflies there. So off we went on an adventure. I had googled the directions, but did not write them down. Musicman said he didn't need them. Ok, first mistake, I believed him. It is my job to navigate when we go daytripping or any other kind of traveling, so I should have just written down the directions.

We were on the right track and in the middle of farm country, it should have been easy to spot our turn amongst the pastures full of cows and and the vineyards. Mistake number two, the roads are not well marked, guess the cows don't check for street names too often. We were so busy talking and listening to the stereo, I completely missed the turn. By the time we realized we had definitely missed the turn it was actually closer to home to keep going instead of turning around. So, that's what we did. Our adventure to find the fireflies was a lovely Sunday afternoon drive, but no fireflies where found.

Later in the evening Musicman took our old dog out and checked on the pool. He saw some fireflies, but before he could come get me it started to rain. The fireflies don't care for the rain, so he caught one and brought it in to me. It had fallen into the pool and he rescued it. Once they get their wings wet they can't get out of the pool, but they continue to lightup for awhile while they drift around.  He handed it to me and it just sat in my hand lighting up until it's wings dried out, then it started flitting around our bedroom.

Musicman turned the light off and I was very happy to lay there and watch it light up, until Musicman rolled me over to my tummy and picked up the flogger. The flogger was quite effective at distracting me from the firefly. For the second night in a row I fell asleep with a lovely sting on my backside. I have no idea what happened to the firefly.

Wonderful Tonight

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And...We Danced

We had the opportunity to go to listen to Doc's band play last night. The place was packed, I had a wonderful time people watching. The music was great, but no one was dancing which was a little disappointing as I really wanted to dance.

Musicman and I were discussing the song selection, he often plays with Doc, but won't play in the band with him. He doesn't like to be the center of attention. Musicman said he wanted them to play "our" song, but he didn't think they would.

When the band took a break I spoke to Doc and explained it was our anniversary and asked him if they would play our song. The song by the way is "Wonderful Tonight" by Eric Clapton. It is the one song guaranteed to get Musicman to dance with me.

At the beginning of the next set Doc announced to the audience that it was our anniversary and that the next song was for us, color me surprised as I didn't ask him to do all that. I was even more surprised when Musicman grabbed my hand and practically dragged me to the dance floor.

We were the only ones dancing, and it totally melted me on the spot that he would do that. Musicman is not one for public displays of affection and really doesn't like to dance, so I hadn't considered that he would want to.

We eloped, planned the whole thing in a week, the reception was really a picnic planned and prepared by Musicman's family, so we never had a wedding dance. It took 26 years, but it feels like I finally got my dance.

We left soon after as we both were ready to go home and move on to the sexy stuff. There was all kinds of sexy stuff and a great time was had by all. I think the best thing was the great conversation we had before the sexy stuff.

I now understand better why Musicman has been hesitant to embrace D/s. He talked quite a bit about some of the stuff he would want to try. He didn't think I would want to try that stuff. I must admit that if he had told me this stuff prior to me embracing D/s I would have said no. Now though, even though some of it is not anything I thought I would be interested in, just listening to him say it was a huge turn on.

I don't think it was so much that I want to try this stuff that I found so exciting. The idea of doing it for him was incredibly exciting to me though. We talked about how he would need to make sure I was in a good sub headspace for it to work. We also talked some more about some things I would like to try and how to go about accomplishing that too. He even mentioned the fact that he has the perfect piece of wood he has been considering making a paddle out of.

I'm a very happy faerie at the moment and quite excited with what the future might hold.

On the Lighter Side

Today was supposed to be our wedding anniversary. It isn't, it's Flag Day.



You night wonder why that matters. Well it seems when Flag Day falls on a Saturday, as it did in 1986, the courthouse is closed on the previous Friday. If the courthouse is closed, you can't pick up your Marriage License. If you don't have a Marriage License you can't get married.  That's what happened with us, so we had to wait until Monday the 16th to get the license and get married. Quite a fiasco at the time, but now an amusing story. I also have to say that 6-16-86 has a much nicer flow then 6-14-86.

Musicman does not like to pick out gifts for me. He wants me to pick out my own gifts so that I get exactly what I want. At first this bothered me because that meant no surprises for me. It doesn't bother me one iota any more though. I am not a material girl and don't want something just for the sake of having it. I want something that will be special and meaningful to me.

I have a special fondness for unique jewelry. My jobs have always made wearing rings or bracelets difficult. I wear my wedding rings, which include an engagement ring, wedding band and anniversary ring on my toe. Yes I said my toe. I have worn a gold toe ring 24/7, 365 for over 30 years. I have already worn out 2 of them. When the last one wore out, I put my wedding rings on and have worn them on my toe for 7 years now. Appropriately, they are on the foot that has my wedding date as part of the tattoo.

A few weeks ago I found the perfect anniversary gift.



I love ankle chains and currently have 4 of them that I wear. One is a gold chain with a charm that is a park bench with 2 hearts on it. I bought it for myself the month before I met Musicman. Too me the hearts represent lovers. I also wear a silver ankle chain that has a fairy charm on it that Musicman bought me just a few months ago. The other 2 are turquoise beads, and turquoise and black onyx beads that I made several years ago.

The slave bells ankle chain shown above will be added to my ankle very soon. Musicman let me order it this morning and it should be here in about a week. I just love, love, love it. It has bells on it, lol. When I first showed it to Musicman he said, "it looks like you."

I also spotted this and fell in love. It is a chain maille corset necklace.



I currently wear 2 necklaces that were gifts over the years from Musicman. One is an emerald and diamond cross that I received several years ago. The other is a silver and glass, one of a kind pendant, that we found last year. We took a day trip for our anniversary to an art gallery about an hour from our home. I had always wanted to go to this particular gallery. They had tons of stuff from artisans all over the country. I was entranced by the display of pendants. When Musicman noticed me looking he came over and asked me if I wanted one. Yes, please. He asked me which one I wanted.  I couldn't make up my mind, so I narrowed it down to a few that I really liked and he made the final pick for me.

I never take my necklaces off, they click together when we are playing and that sound has now become something I strongly associate with Musicman and sex. I also touch my necklaces a lot, especially when I am stressed. They give me a physical connection to him even when he isn't with me.

Because of the fact that I do have to wear shoes on occasion I can't wear my ankle chains all the time. They come off in the fall and go back on in the spring. The necklace I will be able to wear all the time. It will be a great visual reminder for both of us of the new dynamic our relationship is taking on.

I owe a huge thanks to Kiki, who spotted the fairy doors on etsy and showed them to me. She also suggested I check out the BDSM stuff they had, that is where I found the anklet and necklace. I would also like to say thank you for all the wonderful comments on my last few posts, and to all the great emails I received offering support and advice. They really helped us both see things a little more clearly. If I didn't already feel so at home here in this community I do now.  Thank you, thank you, thank you.

I couln't pick just one picture today, they both seemed so appropriate, so I'm using both of them.


This is how my morning started.



As a result of all the lovely things that came after, I feel will go off to work feeling like this.

I Just Don't Know

Musicman did read my last post, and we did talk some about things. Unfortunately, that discussion was interrupted by our son and his shenanigans. Since then I have re-read my last post and thought quite a bit about our talk. That could very well be the problem, I think too much.

Despite all the thinking, things are still swirling around in my head. I can't quite seem to get them to gel into anything cohesive. Given enough time they will probably come together, but, patience is a virtue I don't possess.  So in an effort to try and help the process along I am just going to throw the stray thoughts out there and see what it becomes, maybe nothing.

I find that I am somewhat stymied by the fact that Musicman is a naturally dominant man, that should make this easier. Not so much apparently, and I'm not sure why.  He has said things that make me know he doubts this is what I really want. I don't understand that at all. Is he not paying attention, or does he just think he knows me better then I know myself? Maybe he doubts because this is so different from what I ever wanted before? I just don't know at this point.

I also realized that he reads here and bases his actions on my writing. I could so easily use this forum to manipulate him if I wanted too. I don't want too. I'm not a manipulative person and for me, that wouldn't work. He has had no problem setting guidelines for our relationship in the past. Granted, those guidelines where setup years ago. That makes me wonder if he is just out of practice with it, or he is content with the way things are and doesn't want them to change. I just don't know.

He surprised me by asking me if this is really what I wanted, twice. Ummm...Yeah!!! He wants to know why I want this. That's a fair question, but not one I know how to answer. Though I do think I know part of the reason. I no longer trust my own judgement or decisions. I didn't make a conscious decision to drown my pain in the bottom of a bottle, but I did let it happen. In my opinion that is the biggest mistake I have ever made and my self confidence and self worth took a huge hit that I have not recovered from. I guess that is reason enough for him to doubt me.

I think another part of the reason I want this, is this community. I don't mean I want it just so I can fit in somewhere, though I do feel very comfortable here. I've never been a conformist and wouldn't change myself to fit in anywhere. No, the reason I say it is because of this community, is because this community and the wonderful people who inhabit it showed me who I really was.

See, when I found this community I wasn't looking for submission, I don't know what exactly I was looking for, but it wasn't that. I was following a gut instinct when I went looking for information on spanking. It wasn't until I started reading blogs and thinking about my life that I really realized that I am naturally submissive. A fact we both missed even though neither of us missed that he was dominant. Not sure how that happened either.

I have no idea why becoming aware of this part of myself took such a strong hold on me, but it did.  I often find myself being alternately, envious of the women who always seem to have known they were submissive, and wishing I could go back and undo everything and not discover this part of myself.  Obviously neither of those thoughts or feelings are beneficial. I can't go back, I can't discover this side of myself sooner and I can't undiscover it. I must move forward.

He has told me that if this is what I want, this is what I will get, and he hopes I am ready for it. I am ready for it, but I also feel a bit afraid to commit to it at this point. I'm not sure I am strong enough to handle the disappointment again if it doesn't go well. It's not that I expect this to not work, I just feel like I have been stuck on a merry go round of emotions. I'm dizzy and confused and don't know what to believe.

Despite the fact that I am feeling a bit anxious and a lot confused, I'm in a good place. He has said he knows this is important to me. That's a start. The last few days since we talked he has been more dominant and that is why I am in a good place.  I don't want to anticipate failure, I don't want to invite that into my life, but I'm not sure where I go from here. Do I stop worrying and see what he does and go with the flow?  That's what I would like to do, but it isn't as easy as it sounds.

If you made it all the way to the end of this post, congratulations. If it made any sense at all, please, feel free to explain it to me. I could use the insight.

Maybe It's Time

I've been doing alot of thinking. Uh oh, that's maybe not such a good thing. I have been thinking about what I can do to hold on to the submissive mindset while I work. I did actually think of a solution, but then some other things crossed my mind. Some not so pleasant things. Things that really make me think it might be time to let this go.

We have an anniversary coming up very soon. I had asked for a specific piece of jewelry, which Musicman said I could have. If all goes as expected I will be ordering it at the end of the week. That means it won't be here in time for our actual anniversary, but when you have had as many anniversaries as we have that's not a real issue.

I realized while thinking about it that another anniversary of sorts came and went without either one of us knowing or acknowledging it. Guess it wasn't all that important or one of us would have remembered. It's been just over a year since I told Musicman about my desire to pursue a D/s style relationship.

As I struggle to hang on to my desires and blend the sub me with the work me it really hit me what this means to us. It means a lot to me, but I think it might be time for me to accept that it means nothing to him. This isn't TTWD, it's more a case of some crazy idea I got in my head that he indulges on occassion and hopes I will lose interest in.

I know that sounds harsh and like maybe I am judging him wrongly, but I don't think so. We are both mature enough to understand that tastes change over time and relationships evolve. The problem is my tastes have changed to the point where he has become the center of my world. His have changed in the opposite direction. His desires and tastes no longer include me.

I'm not going to go into specifics, but his actions coupled with the things he offhandedly says make it clear to me that I am not a priority for him. Sure if I'm upset he is willing to help me, but not unless it gets to the point that I am a weepy emotional mess. If he asks me what's wrong and I say nothing, he accepts it and backs off, even when he knows I'm not alright. This makes me feel like I'm not worth his time, energy or attention.

I realized awhile ago that the dynamics of a D/s relationship were setup years ago, according to his parameters. I met those parameters long ago too. That leaves me being the well trained sub he wanted, but is no longer interested in. He is not interested in learning anymore about it, nor has he done anything to acquire more information or understanding for himself.

He reads here, but he never comments in anyway on anything I have written. I don't have any reason to believe he is reading anything else related to this dynamic or is in anyway interested in knowing more. I have tried on occasion to bring it up in discussion, he walks away from me or he gives me clipped answers designed to end the conversation. Clearly this is not something he is in anyway embracing.

I know the things he is interested in, I've known for quite some time, years to be exact. There is no room in those scenarios for me. I believe he realizes this too as it isn't something he shares with me. Because of a few missteps on his part though I did find out. I thought maybe it was just a passing fancy of his, but it doesn't appear so. I guess maybe I should tell him not to use my computer to pursue those interests if he doesn't want me to know.

Before any of you suggest that I talk to him about it, I have. He knows this upsets me, he does it anyway. That action alone speaks volumes to me. I very much feel like he would be happier if I would just put all this behind me and go back to being the strongwilled woman who took care of everyone and everything and didn't need anyone to lean on. Maybe it's time I do just that.

I can do it, I just don't believe I can maintain it for long amounts of time. It was living that way, denying my own needs that ultimately caused me to break. I don't want to break again and I'm am worried that it will happen. I guess I will cross that bridge when I come to it because I am tired of being the one always pushing for what I can't have.

This is what I want to feel. 

This is what I do feel.

Who Will I Be?

I'm feeling a little lost today. I feel like I have to deny a big part of myself when I am at work. That is making me question, again, do I really need this? Maybe it would be better if I just let it go? Bury my submissive self so far inside that she will never see the light of day again.

We had a lovely evening, the boy was out, so we had some early playtime. Physically it was great, but I couldn't get my head in the game. He was tired and there was little to no dominance. No spanking, no pain, that should be okay. I don't need that stuff. He even asked me what I wanted, I had no answer.

I had no answer cause I really didn't know. It felt like I was chasing some illusive mindset and just couldn't seem to catch it on my own. Of course, I wanted him to do the impossible. I wanted him to figure out what I couldn't and fix it. That's not very fair. Sometimes I get tired of always trying to be fair.

Maybe it is time to talk about maintenance. Maybe that would help me hang on to the me that I like to be. I understand she can't come out at work. I didn't anticipate having so much trouble switching back to the submissive mindset at home.

It doesn't effect the way I act at home, I still treat him well, I still take care of all the things I need to take care of. The chatter in my brain is just so loud, I can barely hear myself think. It distracts me and prevents me from really feeling happy and content. I thought it would be easy to switch back to that submissive mindset, not so much it seems.

I thought all I would have to do was dress a certain way, wear my hair a certain way. That's what I do, I get home from work and I change clothes and take my hair down. I look like the me I like to be, but I don't feel it. I didn't realize it was his dominance, the little swats here and there, or the things he says that cause the mindset to come flooding back.

I didn't realize it was the absence of his dominance I was feeling when he asked last night. I didn't count on the fact that the absence of his dominance would make me question again if I really need this. I didn't expect to feel such an abundance of guilt for needing more then he felt like giving last night. I didn't know what I needed when he asked, so I can't in good conscience blame him for anything. No, as usual the only one I blame is myself, I'm the one who didn't have the answer when he asked.

I'm feeling lost. I have no answers. The chatter in my head is too loud for me to hear anything clearly. Maybe it is time to talk about maintenance? Maybe if I knew that it would happen on a regular basis it would make things easier? So many maybes and too much chatter to hear the answers.

He left early again today cause he is still traveling for work. I have a long shift today myself, so it will be twelve hours yet before I see him.  I have no idea what to expect when I do see him, I don't know who I will be then. Will I be me, or will I have tucked her away and be unable to bring her back out? I just don't know.

Sitting in the Sun

I have the day off from work today, yay! Unfortunately, Musicman is traveling for work today, he left the house 2 hours earlier then usual, so no morning sex. I did get up long enough to say good bye, I don't like it when one of us leaves without saying goodbye, it makes me sad. I suppose if we had rituals, that would be one of them.

I did go back to bed and sleep for another couple hours, I've been getting caught up on housework and laundry since then. As I do when I clean, I have been letting my mind roam to all the different things floating around in it. Work is going okay, I'm starting to feel a bit more comfortable with it, both physically and cognitively.

We have been having several cold rainy days, but today is warm and sunny. So after popping in a load of laundry I went out to sit in the sun for awhile. I love the sun, it always cheers me up. I checked the pool, we should be swimming by this weekend if the weather cooperates. I'm looking forward to it, I love playing in the pool with Musicman. I'm always quite amused that we live in the middle of a city, with people all around, and our pool area is private enough to romp naked.

As I sat musing in the sun, I was thinking how different my life turned out from what I had planned. I always had very specific goals for myself when I was growing up. The first was to get out of my parents home. The second was to be a doctor. I was never going to get married. I was never going to have children. I was very passionate about achieving these goals.

Then I met a man, Musicman. I did not become a doctor. I married and had children. My mother tells everyone I "gave up" being a doctor for a man. I have never been able to make her understand that I did not "give up" anything. It seems so simple to me, my passion changed. I no longer wanted to be a doctor as much as I wanted to be with Musicman. It was not that I had to choose between the two either, he would have supported me if I had chosen to be a doctor. I simply didn't want that anymore.

I wanted to make a life with him, I wanted that to be my primary focus. It has been the primary focus for both of us. It has occurred to me a few times lately that I have achieved everything I set out to do. My life definitely deviated from the original goals I had, but those were the goals of a child anyway.
I think the smartest thing I ever did was make the decision to build a life with him. Doing that enabled me to have the life I have, a life of happiness and contentment, a life of love and passion. The sex is pretty great too, lol.

I've heard the younger girls at work talking, they are just starting out and struggling to be stable. I almost feel guilty talking about my life at all. I find myself saying, " I understand, I've been there, but that's not me now." That's all true, and it is purely because I have Musicman by my side.

I find myself editing out large parts of myself and my life when they ask me questions. I have always edited out a large part of my life at home from most co-workers. I just didn't want to share that side of me with them. I never thought enough about it before to realize, it is the fact that I am naturally submissive to Musicman that I don't want to share. I never had a name for it, it was just the way I was and most people didn't understand it.

Now that I have a name for the way I am and a clearer understanding of myself, I find that I want to share even less. I don't want the outside world intruding into the little bubble of Musicman's dominance that I live so comfortably in.

Hmmm...Somethin' Odd is Going On

Something odd is going on. I am meeting a lot of new people at work, new faces and new names. I don't even try to remember them all. I just warn everybody that I am a honey, baby, sweetie, darlin, kinda girl. I rarely use anyones name. It's just a habit I have always had. It makes my teenage sons friends blush and giggle when I do it.

Neither my co-workers nor my customers seem to be bothered that I call them sweetie or honey or whatever pops out at the moment. That's not the odd thing. The odd thing is, apparently I needed to warn them that I don't respond to my own name. It has happened a couple times now, someone has called my name and I heard it, but it didn't register that they were talking to me.

Musicman never really uses my real name. He most often calls me babe, or honey or even woman. I respond to all of them. Of course my kids call me Mom. The first time I didn't respond I brushed it off as just me not paying attention. When it happened a few more times I really started to think about it.

It seems that I have so fully embraced this submissive side of myself that I no longer think of myself as me. If they had called me faerie, I would have answered immediately. That seems a bit odd to me.

At first I questioned how I could miss being so submissive for all these years. Then I accepted it as a natural progression for me. I'm not sure when I really started thinking of myself as faerie instead of as my real name.  It does seem that I have though.

I originally picked the name faerie because it was obvious for me. I love faeries and have them all over my home. I also have faeries in several of my tatoo's. I have just always identified strongly with them. They are magical mischievious little things. It was just a very natural fit for me.

I never in a million years would have thought that I would at some point identify that name as me. I guess that is a measure of how natural this feels for me.




Maybe that back pain isn't from work, maybe it's my wings sprouting. Or maybe I am just crazy.

I'll Try Anything Once

In the comments of my last post Dee, from (D) for (D)esire, offered to make me a lexan paddle if I would make her a flogger. I love my flogger and would certainly recommend it to all my friends. 

Abby at finalllyfindingme.blog suggested I say no to Dee's kind offer. She loves the flogger, but thinks the lexan should be avoided at all costs. However, tori at painspleasure.blogspot, says the lexan is yummy. Tori also points out that we are all different in what we like, so true.

My motto has always been I will try anything once, twice if it doesn't hurt too bad.  I noted in my reply to Dee that my definition of, "hurts too bad has changed lately."

I have always heard that there is a fine line between pleasure and pain. I never really ventured across that line. Pain never caused me pleasure, I never sought it out.  I understood, abstractly, that some people did experience pleasure from pain.  I was not one of those people.

I don't know when I crossed the line, but it sort of feels like I didn't just cross it, but I dove so far across it that I can't even see it anymore. I might have just erased it completely, I don't know why, or when that happened. I'm not sure I care.

It certainly opens a whole new world to explore. For instance, paddles and floggers. We only have a very few implements. A hairbrush and a wooden spoon and a flogger. We both love the flogger. Between the hairbrush and the spoon, Musicman prefers to use the hairbrush. I'm not sure why he doesn't use the spoon. I like them both and wish he would use the spoon more cause it does feel different.

I love the flogger anywhere and everywhere. He is a natural with it and uses it the most. I have noticed that while I do love the flogger, I sometimes crave something different. A different kind of pain. I crave the sting of the brush or the spoon. Or, the sharp smack from his hand.  I am curious about what a lexan paddle would feel like.

That thought boggles my mind a bit. Why am I now able to differentiate types of pain? Why do I sometimes want the soft thud of the flogger or sometimes the sharp sting of wood?  Maybe this is all a happy side effect of menopause. If it is going to make me moody, bitchy and weepy it might as well give me more oppurtunities to experience pleasure. Yeah, that sounds good, let's go with that!!

Plotting Naughtiness

It seems like weeks since I have had time to sit down and write. Yet, according to the date on my last post it's only been two days. Guess my head has been too filled with vanilla stuff to realize the passage of time.

Works going okay, I'm starting to get used to wearing real shoes and actually putting undies and pants on everyday. I don't like it much, but I'm getting used to it. I do shower and change as soon as I get home. Once I'm back into my skirts and the undies are in the hamper I'm a much happier girl.

Musicman has been great about keeping up with things at home and pampering me after my shifts. I took a good look around yesterday and realized how far behind I was on my usual housework. I said if I didn't get my act together I was gonna get kicked out of the wives club. Guess what? He cares not one iota that the garbage needs emptying or the house needs dusting. Today was the first day in a week I cleaned the kitchen, he's been doing it. Can we say spoiled?

Just to pamper him a bit I made a cheesecake for him today. A chocolate chip cheesecake.  I'm actually going to cook a meal too. Woohoo, Musicman won't starve to death afterall. And, just for shits and giggles I am doing some laundry so he will have clean socks and undies for work. I suppose that's the least I can do for him.

I am getting accustomed to being on my feet and moving constantly for 6-8 hours at a time. The first couple days were entirely too exhausting. Now that my body is adjusting to it though I am happy to be busy. It makes the time at work fly by and the exercise is great for me. I can already feel my arms and legs getting toner from all the constant walking and lifting. Musicman has been saying he doesn't want me to lose anymore weight cause he doesn't want my butt getting smaller. Gotta love an assman!!

Now if we could just find the time and energy to play a little more things would be perfect. We had a lovely time last night playing with the flogger. Musicman loves it as much as I do. He flogged my breasts and pussy till I was screaming with pleasure. Then he flipped me over and started in on my ample backside. Mmmm....heaven is a nicely flogged backside.

After several orgasms he flipped me back over and I about attacked him. I couldn't wait to get him in my mouth. I love cock in my mouth and it had been entirely too long, 4 days to be exact. For a cockworshipping sub that is way, way too long to go without. I knelt next to him and started in on my favorite treat. He very obligingly kept my backside warm with some sharp hand smacks while I was otherwise occupied. All too soon for me he moved on to other things.

I quickly found my self face down and him entering me from behind. One of my very favorite positions. Deep, hard strokes as he pounded into me and I was sailing off into the ether in no time. It doesn't matter how many times I orgasm I am never quite done unitl he is. His orgasm always sets off another for me. It was so intense that I hooked my legs around his butt to hold him in place as he spilled deep inside. He had to peel me off him once the aftershocks subsided because at that point I couldn't have moved if someone had yelled fire.

We woke to a drab rainy morning, perfect for some lazy Sunday morning lovin. So, that's what we did, slow and sweet and just as satisfying as the night before. We both drifted off, back to lala land for awhile since we didn't have to get up for anything in particular. When we woke next, the sun was out and we decided it was time to start the day.

 I'm off to finish some laundry and plot some naughtiness. I may just be in need of some further discipline. Heeheehee.