Broken Wings

I've been hiding, crawled away and am licking my wounds. These are not deep everlasting wounds, hopefully they will not become chronic wounds. They have been very acute wounds for the last little bit of time though.

When I started this journey I knew we would have missteps, I knew we would encounter pitfalls. I anticipated that we would find ourselves at different places at different times. We are very different people, he and I. We do not learn and process things the same way. We do not grow and change at the same rate. We have been together a long time and I know these things. I thought I was prepared.

I knew when we started this journey that I was far ahead of him. I recognize that this is my need, not his. I understand that he is willing to make these changes and take this journey with me because he loves me.

I get that there is no road map to follow and that sometimes when you venture into the unknown you run the risk of getting lost. Sometimes you get lost in dangerous territory, a place you must stay vigilant in, or someone might get hurt. I knew this and I still took the risk.

The risk has paid off in many ways. I often find this unknown territory to be a place of great beauty and immeasurable joy. I can fly higher there then I have ever flown before. It's euphoric. It's better then any drug I've ever tried, and I've tried a few.

My wings are new, we are still learning the subtleties of controlling them. Sometimes everything goes well and I fly smoothly. I soar and swoop and even do loop-de-loops and I land gracefully on a rainbow.

Sometimes we bobble on take off, the flight proceeds in fits and starts. Sometimes we go the wrong way and the landscape isn't so beautiful. I don't soar during these flights. Instead, I struggle to stay aloft and follow the course set before me. Sometimes we aren't vigilant enough and can't see that the course set before us leads to disaster. Sometimes I crash.

I don't regret taking the risk. I'll take it again soon, but now, I'm just going to hide for awhile and give my broken wings some time to heal.

I will fly again and it will be beautiful.



                                                       

It's Not Nice To Tease!!!

                                                                                               

He told me it wasn't nice to tease.

I didn't listen, I kissed his adorable little butt again, just at the spot that was peeking out from the blanket.

He said I really should stop teasing him.

I giggled and asked, "but why, what will happen if I don't?"

He said, "you'll get another spanking."

To which we both responded by cracking up laughing as I stated the obvious, "That is not going to deter me from anything."  I did however stop teasing him, poor guy he has had a long hard week.

This has been his first full week back to work. I thought he should go back to work 1/2 days, but he did not feel that way. It was his decision to make and I respect that. I also understand why he made this decision and it's just one of the many reasons I love him. I've tried to be supportive and think I have been pretty successful.

If either of us ever needed proof that flipping that little sub switch in my head is a good thing this week would probably have been it. He comes home exhausted with barely enough energy to get in the door. But that's all the energy he has needed because once he gets in the door, I've been there to take care of him.

I've cooked and cleaned and baked. He relaxed and enjoyed good food and rested.

He has an active job, on his feet all day working with heavy equipment, his muscles have been sore. I have given back massages and leg and feet massages every night.

I found myself awake early one morning, Musicman was too. I had the time to explore his beautiful, hard cock, I kissed him good morning and had a chat with him and the boys.(Yes, I refer to my husband's equipment as him and the boys and I really do talk to them, heeheehee.)  He went to work a happier man that day.

I've missed him during the day and have to get used to being home alone again. I have kept busy starting on spring cleaning. I have also been working on the paddle I wanted to make. As usual, it is going to take longer then I thought it would. When I got the leather out there was more then I remembered which opened the window of possibilities and has me trying things and rethinking as I go. That is typical for most projects of mine, but I'm good with it.

One of the pieces of leather is begging to become a flogger, but I haven't made it yet. I've thought about it and know exactly how to do it. I have everything I need, I just haven't done it, yet. I'm not sure what is causing the hesitation, but it's there and I don't have a huge urge to push at it right now. That's okay, it will work itself out when it's ready.

I hit a bit of a rough patch yesterday, I was doing something that continues to be a thorn in my side. When I address this issue I usually have all out panic attacks, that didn't happen yesterday. I was upset, but not overly so, which is a big improvement for me in this area. I also had a visit from a ghost yesterday, which cheered me up immensely.

When I got ready for bed last night I put on my Tinkerbell sleep shorts. That's when the teasing really began. They are kinda short, my butt's kinda big. I'm sure it's just the fact that it says TINK in big bright pink letters across my butt that attracts attention.

The callouses on Musicman hands are starting to come back, I didn't feel them much when he spanked over the shorts. I did when he continued to spank after lowering the shorts.

Mmmm, I slept soooo gooood last night, I was literally purring. That made Musicman laugh.


                                                                             

Stress Relief Spanking

I was hoping when I wrote the my last post that once it was written I would feel better. Sometimes all it takes is to get it out and I do feel better. No such luck that day, but I did not get worse and spiral totally out of control.

Musicman and I had been talking about the fact that when these episodes happen I think a spanking would help, he has his doubts. After he read my previous post Soul Deep he came into the kitchen where I was starting dinner. He took me in his arms and said, "if I'm reading right next time you get upset I'm supposed to do this," and then he started spanking me. I started to giggle like I always do but I did manage to say, "you are reading right." That was the entire conversation and I was soon back to making dinner.

Sunday was a lazy day, hanging out watching Nascar, I'm a huge fan and will be glued to the TV this Sunday watching Daytona. These are usually very comfortable days spent together, instead I was pretty quiet and not so interested in much of anything. Musicman approached me a few times to see if I was OK or if there was something he could do to help. He got very noncommittal answers from me followed by silence.

After a few times of this happening he stopped asking, instead he came over to the chair I was sitting in and reached for my hands. He pulled me up out of the chair and into his arms. As I buried my head in his neck the first swat fell. After a half dozen or so swats I was alternating between trying to crawl up his body and into his skin and hanging onto him for dear life as my knees melted underneath me. He asked me if I was starting to feel better. With my head still buried in his neck I shook it yes.

Then he turned me towards the stairs and gave me a gentle push while saying something about a wooden spoon that needed breaking in. I don't remember exactly what was said as I was already starting to float. I do remember walking up the stairs to our room, I sat on the lounge and took off my slippers and blouse. He came in shortly after and I was still sitting on the lounge in my skirt and cami. He just took my hands and lifted me back up into his arms, a few more swats and then he was unzipping my skirt. As it fell to the floor he told me to bend over. I now wonder if he realizes the power in those two words.

Things become a little hazy from here, I started out on my hands and knees on the lounge, within just a few swats  my head was buried in the lounge and I was getting a very thorough spanking. I remember the feel of the spoon tapping my inner thighs, I automatically adjusted and spread my legs to a wider stance. He really is very thorough, he spanked my backside, my thighs and the lady parts and I was lost in a fog of bliss.

It didn't really register that he had stopped spanking until a hand in my hair was pulling me up and against him. When his other hand came up around my throat and he was whispering in my ear that he wanted to fuck me all I could do was moan. He pushed me back down and was entering me before I even knew what was happening. Several orgasms later I was on my knees in front of him with his beautiful cock in my mouth, mmmm. I love when he cums on my face and it was the perfect ending to the perfect spanking.

He told me later he didn't really understand why spanking works when I feel like that, but he doesn't doubt it anymore. I don't understand either and I don't care if I ever do, i just know it works. I feel much better :)

To finish up I'd like to thank Sunnygirl for helping me learn to add pictures. Thanks Sunnygirl.  If you came to visit me at my home you would see lots of faeries, pictures and statues and wind chimes, etc. etc. etc. So since I now know how to add pics, you'll be seeing lots of them here too :)


                                                      

Hitting the Wall

Musicman has noted that I do well for awhile and then I seem to hit a wall. He is right, that is exactly what it feels like. I told him when this happens I can't break through the wall by myself. He says he will break down the wall for me.

I hit the wall, on the surface of things not only did I hit the wall but it feels like he threw me into it. He did not, but that is the way it feels. It would be a lot easier to just go with that feeling and blame him for the way I'm feeling.

It would not be fair of me to take the easy way out this time. He did not throw me against the wall, it is not his fault. I'm not really sure what happened, but I know he didn't do it.

I don't know if my body just didn't keep up with my mind or if I let my mind race ahead and build the wall when I wasn't paying attention. Either way, there it is, a wall I can't get past.

My mind is telling me to ignore it and it will go away. I'm inclined to do just that because quite frankly I'm tired of dealing with it right now. I'm tired of thinking about it and trying to figure it out. I want to hide my head in the sand and not come out until the wall is gone.

Experience tells me this probably won't work too well, it never does. But I can't seem to get motivated enough to even care. I should care, I should try, I should not rely on him to see what's wrong and fix it. I am the one who failed, I should be the one to fix things.

I just plain don't have the energy today to do that. Maybe if I try real hard I can hide it for awhile, just long enough to get through the day without making us both miserable. That's not the best solution I know, but I don't care. Maybe the sun will come out tomorrow and I will care enough to fix it, or maybe it will go away if I ignore it.

That's a lot of maybes to hang my hat on, but it's all I have at the moment.

Something a Little Different

Two months ago tomorrow I did a series of posts from here while Musicman had his surgery.

The doctors said it would be 3-6 months for him to and recover and return to work.

Tomorrow instead of being home with me recovering Musicman will be here.

It's going to be odd to be home without him.  I'm going to miss him terribly.  

I"m going to feel like this.

I'm a big believer in forewarned is forearmed. So I'm prepared for the day.

I'm going to do some of this.

And some of this.

I'll have my stereo turned up loud and do some of this.

I'll take some time and pamper myself.

After a long hard day at work Musicman will come home to this.

And this.

And hopefully he will feel like the king of this.

I will be one happy this.

Soul Deep

I have been thinking about why it is that I sometimes feel like I'm a burden to him. He does not think I am, it's just something that pops into my head. It only happens when I am awash in the awful mean hormones.

I think one of the reasons I feel like I'm a burden is because I know I can't control all the negative thoughts that flood my brain during those times. I need him to help me. He is more then willing to help me. He tells me all the time, " I can't fix it if I don't know what's wrong." He is so right about that. During those times though I can't articulate what is wrong, I don't know what is wrong, other then I feel bad.

I have told him that a spanking would help, it would bring me out of my head, chase all the bad thoughts away. He is still hesitant about spanking me when I get like this. When I'm rational I understand why, he sees me hurting, he is good man, his first thought is not to inflict more pain but to offer comfort.

If I understood why I think spanking me at these times helped, then maybe I could explain it in a way he would understand. I think I may have a clue about that.

When these hormones hit, my mind brings back all the things I feel like I have failed at in my life. Things that when the hormones aren't around do not seem like failures to me. I am not able to see things objectively when this happens and the thoughts get darker and darker until I feel worthless. If he is not here to help me pull out of it it gets to the point of actual physical pain.

It is hard to describe, it's not like a particular part of my body is in pain. It is as if my soul is a tangible part of me, deep inside me and that is what hurts. It seems at these times my brain is screaming at me to ask him for a spanking. But, I don't see that happening anytime soon.

My mind needs a release valve, that's what the pain of a spanking would be, a way to release the pain in a controlled way. He needs to be the one in control, cause I'm definitely not capable of controlling anything then. The pain of a spanking would be nothing compared to the pain I am already feeling inside. I need to release the negative energy and let the pain go. But I can't do that by myself anymore than I can flip that lovely little sub switch.

So, that's why I think my brain screams at me during these times, "SPANK ME.". It would bring me out of my brain, back to the sane world, disperse all the negative thoughts into the universe, or least back to the nether regions of my brain where I can ignore them.

I don't know if this will ever happen, if he will ever be comfortable to spank me because I'm overcome with the hormones. It flies in the face of the way he was raised, you don't hurt women, period. It's just not in his DNA, so asking him to inflict pain on the woman he loves is darn near impossible for me. It is also the reason why I trust him to do it. I know he would never intentionally hurt me.

That is the reason I sometimes feel like a burden. It bothers me that I need something that he was raised to believe is wrong. I don't want him to feel like he is going against his own morals just to help me.

If I could just convey to him in a calm manor, which means not when the hormones are playing havoc with my mind, that during these times I am already inflicting so much mental and emotional pain on myself that any pain he were to inflict with a spanking would be a minor thing but with a major benefit.

I hope everyone had a lovely Valentine's Day and had some time to connect in what ever way is meaningful for you.

I did :)

Submissive Mindset

I've been thinking a lot about that switch, the one in my head that flips on the submissive mindset when we play.

First I wondered has it always been there? Did I suppress it? I am not the kind of person that suppresses things, I'm pretty open and out there. I don't embarrass easily and will talk about anything with anyone, much to their discomfort sometimes. Just call me the queen of TMI, lol.

My conclusion is it has always been there, but I don't think I was suppressing anything. I think it has always been there, it just wasn't very mature yet. I think some of the things I went through growing up stunted its growth.

I know for sure that when I first met Musicman he was more dominant then he is now. Some of that is just him mellowing with age, but some of it was him reacting to me and what I needed at the time. I believe I have done the hard work to heal from the nightmare of my childhood, but I could not have done it without him. He has given me all the love and security I needed to heal and as the healing occurred it sparked the growth of that funny little sub switch. If I didn't trust him totally I don't think it would have ever showed up.

I also know that I have always been interested in reading about D/s relationships and spanking, and while I always found them titillating I never thought much about wanting to actually do it.

Surprise, now I not only want it, I'm a little afraid I need it.

It is a wonderful feeling when the switch gets flipped on, such a peaceful mindset. I'd like it to stay forever, but it doesn't. It fades away. That would be okay except that when it's gone, I start the free fall into the dark places in my head.

I get stuck in those dark places and the voices in my head get louder and louder and louder. They are not nice voices. These are the voices that tell me I'm being foolish, that I shouldn't want this, that I don't need this. They try to convince me that I can separate myself emotionally from it all, that we can have all kinds of fun together in the bedroom and it shouldn't affect me outside of it.

Yes, I hear you all laughing at me. I have never been able to remove emotion from the equation, I am a female after all.  Maybe there are some women that can separate emotion from everything, but I'm not one of them. So why I thought I could do it now is beyond me, denial maybe.

I have to work on remembering that this feeling is very new for me and I need to take the time to let myself adjust. I also need to remember that I'm not in this relationship alone and that it is a big adjustment for Musicman too. It would most likely be easier for him to adjust if I was better able to talk about these things, but it's hard to talk about things you don't understand,especially when the voices are screaming in my head.

If I could just figure out how to flip that switch myself I wouldn't feel so needy or like I'm a burden to him. If that is possible I haven't figured it out yet.

Happy Valentines Day.

Playtime and the After Effects

Yesterday afternoon we took some time to play. It started with a nice leg massage for me. I have a bad knee on one side and a bad hip on the other, my thigh muscles get very tight. Musicman has the strongest hands, it was heavenly, though his hands are getting soft from not working and I miss the callouses. Strange, I know, but I love his callouses, I think it is the contrast against the softness of my skin and the roughness of his hands. I believe I was purring by the time he was done.

I had been laying on my back on the lounge for the massage, my legs were soon up in the air and the hairbrush had come into play. The diaper position is nice for access to the thighs, yep I like my thighs spanked. Strange, I know. This particular position also provides easy access to the lady parts, yep, I like being spanked there too. The brush handle is nicely designed for that use.

When his tongue started in on the aforementioned spanked lady parts I know the top of my head blew off, lol. Before we were done I think I was standing on my head, my back arched so high. I wanted closer, I wanted more. I was reduced to quivering incoherent begging with the need for him.

He is such a gentlemen he gave me everything I begged for.

During a conversation afterwards we were discussing was I a good girl or was I a bad girl. I like the conclusion we came to, and that is: I'm a girl who is really good at being very bad.

Shortly after that conversation I found myself on my knees at his feet, showing him exactly how good I am at being bad. Yep, that little heart pillow is coming in very handy.

I'm going to miss our afternoon play times so much when he goes back to work.

I fell asleep last night with the lingering after effects of the afternoon.  By this morning the physical effects were gone. No bruises this time thank goodness, though I do find it cute that he likes to check frequently for bruising.

I've always heard it said that there is a fine line between pleasure and pain. I'm not sure when or how, but my brain has definitely crossed that line. That is the physical benefit of spanking, at least for me. It's also the reason why it would never work as a discipline tool for me.

Then there is the mental and emotional benefit. Feeling his control, whether it is in the form of spanking or him pulling my hair while he fucks my face, or even when he states something as opposed to asking or suggesting, it flips a switch in my head. There is an instant change in mindset for me. I feel so contented, so fulfilled. Like everything is right with the world, and even when Rat intrudes and tells me it's not, it doesn't bother me.

I guess that is what is known as a submissive mindset, I don't know why, unless it's because it seems to require an external dominant influence to achieve. I really don't care what it is called, I just know I like it a lot.

We had a lazy day today just hanging out together watching the snow fall. The mindset lingers today, fueled by the casual swats and dominant remarks. I don't know why I feel so soft and giggly at these times, and I don't really care, I just know I like it a lot.

A New Lurker

I had planned to show Musicman my blog on Monday, but there was a bit of a mix up with one of his meds. He ended up being quite ill and a flurry of phone calls to Doc and trips for tests and to the pharmacy took up most of the day.

I wish I could say I handled it all very well. That would be a lie. I handled the logistics and organizing of everything well, but my inner bitch definitely came out.  Poor guy, I can't even let him be sick in peace.

He was feeling much better yesterday and was up and around and taking care of things. While he was busy I wrote him an email with a link to my blog. Musicman does not check his email regularly and if I don't let him know I sent one it could sit for months waiting to be found.

I did eventually tell him I sent one, it took a couple hours, but I did tell him.

He read the email, and then followed the link and read some of the blog. I don't know how much he read because when I asked his response was "enough." Have I mentioned before he is not much of a talker?

Needless to say I was nervous while he was reading, if I had had something to clean to keep myself busy I would have. Instead I sat and watched some TV with all kinds of thoughts running through my head, the most prominent being that he would finally realize that yes, I am crazy.

I have a habit of asking him if he thinks I'm crazy. I asked again when he was done reading, he doesn't. He did say that I was a silly girl, but that I'm his silly girl. To me, at that particular moment, that was the sweetest thing he could have said to me.

About the only other information he volunteered was that we need to find a quieter implement. He does have a way of cutting through all the emotional crap and grasping the important things. That is the one thing about being a guy I envy, well that and the ability to pee standing up, lol.

He is not upset about me writing, which is good to know. I didn't think he would be because he has always been supportive of the things that help me feel better. He did remind me of that.

He laughed when I asked if he liked the name I gave him. I've almost slipped and called him Musicman a few times so at least now if it happens he will know what I mean.

He has said that while he is not particularly interested in participating in the blog he is planning on continuing to read. Though maybe I can get him to help me with some of the tech stuff, he is so much better at it than I am.  Gives a whole new meaning to the phrase "love our lurkers."

Our interlude of time is almost over, he will be going back to work soon. I know he will be happy to get back to work, not because he doesn't like spending time with me, but he's a guy, that's what they do. He works hard to provide for his family and being able to do that is important to him. I understand that and am feeling better prepared for it, though I'm gonna miss him tons.

So if you see a big, dark, kinda imposing guy lurking around, don't be worried give him smile and a wave, it's just Musicman keeping an eye on me.

Em vs. Rat

Hi I'm Emotional Mind, but you can call me Em, all my friends do. I have to hurry because Rat doesn't like it when I talk without her around. She thinks that just because she is the Rational Mind she can control me. 


Ha! I fooled her, I called in reinforcements, the Hormones. They're mean, they scare Rat because she can't control them the way she can me. Rat is resting right now because the Hormones have been kicking her ass for 2 days now. 


Em, get off that computer, you know you can't write a post without me.

Oh yes I can, I don't need you. You have been gone for 2 days and I've been fine.


Fine? You call being mean to Musicman and crying whenever you feel like it fine?

Well, alright so I wasn't fine, but I was holding my own. I didn't need your help. If you would just let me do the talking then everything would be okay.


I let you do the talking last night and what did you accomplish? Really, Musicman was so busy handing you tissues and trying to calm you down I doubt he heard anything you had to say.  Besides you don't have anything important to say.

Oh yes I do, I know how to make the mean Hormones go away. 


Exactly how do you propose to do that?

That's what I wanted to talk to Musicman about. He always makes them go away. If you weren't so stubborn and would admit we need his help then we could just tell him what to do to help us.


You're crazy, I don't need any help and I'm not going to let you tell Musicman anything. He doesn't want to hear what you have to say.

Yes he does want to hear what I have to say, he wants to help us. If you would just get over yourself already and listen to me we could talk to him together and then he could help us.


Let me get this straight, you think if we tell Musicman that him spanking us will keep the mean Hormones away everything will be okay? Do you have any idea how stupid that sounds?

I know it sounds stupid, and I know you don't believe it, but I think it will work. I just need you to help me tell him, cause I have such a hard time talking to him. 


Well I still think it's a stupid idea and I'm not helping you. I'm strong enough to fight the Hormones, and one of these days I will win.

Ha! Gotcha again, I already told Musicman that it would help.


I know, but he didn't believe you. You missed that because you were too busy crying on his chest.

That's okay, he may not have believed me, but that's not all I told him. I told him I really wanted him to read here and he said he would. 


You are so naive, do you really think he is going to do that?

He said he would. He said he wanted to, but didn't ask because he didn't think we wanted him to. That's your fault, your the one who thinks you're so strong that you don't need any help. 


Just because he said that doesn't mean he will do it. He probably just wanted you to stop crying. I'm the one in charge and I am not going to remind him, so there.

You may be the one in charge right now but we both know we haven't seen the last of the Hormones. They will come back and they will kick your ass again, because you aren't as strong as you pretend to be. I'm gonna let them too, and while you're distracted fighting with the Hormones I'll talk to him again. And I'll keep talking to him until he understands what we need.


I'm not too worried about that, you don't understand it yourself, so you can't explain it to him.

We'll see about that.

A Picture in My Mind

I have this picture emerging in mind. That happens to me sometimes. I see something, and it sparks a picture in mind of what it could be. I once saw some old dishes at a second hand store, in mind I saw the mosaic tabletops they eventually became. I am forever collecting odd little things because in mind I see them as something else.

I was cleaning yesterday and I had my cleaning bucket with me. I love my cleaning bucket, it is a five gallon bucket with everything I need to make one trip through my home and clean efficiently. The contents have  evolved over the years to accommodate my family's living habits and my cleaning style.

One of the things attached to the bucket is a long, narrow suede pouch. My son is a street artist, he keeps his sketch pads put away, but I always find pens and pencils all over the house. The pouch is handy to store them in until I work my way to his room and put them away.

Have you guessed yet what the picture is?

I love the feel of leather in general, coats, skirts, boots and of course the obvious, a belt. I want to be spanked with leather, but not a belt. I am a tiny bit terrified of belts. Okay, Okay, I am more then a tiny bit terrified. I'm not afraid of the pain, no I want to feel the leather on my backside. It's the actual belt I don't want. Too many bad memories associated with it. I don't know if I will ever be able to handle a belt.

I have been looking at leather paddles, but right now they are not in the budget. I have been putting pens and pencils in that pouch for years, needless to say I never saw it as a paddle before. Now I am. Not only did I see the paddle that I could make, but I had quite a physical reaction to it. I believe I was hyperventilating the reaction was so strong.

I have been thinking about how to make it and what other materials I will need for it ever since. I do believe a trip to the craft store may be in my near future. Valentine's Day is only 12 days away and I do need a gift for Musicman.  Maybe it won't leave bruises.