Soul Deep

I have been thinking about why it is that I sometimes feel like I'm a burden to him. He does not think I am, it's just something that pops into my head. It only happens when I am awash in the awful mean hormones.

I think one of the reasons I feel like I'm a burden is because I know I can't control all the negative thoughts that flood my brain during those times. I need him to help me. He is more then willing to help me. He tells me all the time, " I can't fix it if I don't know what's wrong." He is so right about that. During those times though I can't articulate what is wrong, I don't know what is wrong, other then I feel bad.

I have told him that a spanking would help, it would bring me out of my head, chase all the bad thoughts away. He is still hesitant about spanking me when I get like this. When I'm rational I understand why, he sees me hurting, he is good man, his first thought is not to inflict more pain but to offer comfort.

If I understood why I think spanking me at these times helped, then maybe I could explain it in a way he would understand. I think I may have a clue about that.

When these hormones hit, my mind brings back all the things I feel like I have failed at in my life. Things that when the hormones aren't around do not seem like failures to me. I am not able to see things objectively when this happens and the thoughts get darker and darker until I feel worthless. If he is not here to help me pull out of it it gets to the point of actual physical pain.

It is hard to describe, it's not like a particular part of my body is in pain. It is as if my soul is a tangible part of me, deep inside me and that is what hurts. It seems at these times my brain is screaming at me to ask him for a spanking. But, I don't see that happening anytime soon.

My mind needs a release valve, that's what the pain of a spanking would be, a way to release the pain in a controlled way. He needs to be the one in control, cause I'm definitely not capable of controlling anything then. The pain of a spanking would be nothing compared to the pain I am already feeling inside. I need to release the negative energy and let the pain go. But I can't do that by myself anymore than I can flip that lovely little sub switch.

So, that's why I think my brain screams at me during these times, "SPANK ME.". It would bring me out of my brain, back to the sane world, disperse all the negative thoughts into the universe, or least back to the nether regions of my brain where I can ignore them.

I don't know if this will ever happen, if he will ever be comfortable to spank me because I'm overcome with the hormones. It flies in the face of the way he was raised, you don't hurt women, period. It's just not in his DNA, so asking him to inflict pain on the woman he loves is darn near impossible for me. It is also the reason why I trust him to do it. I know he would never intentionally hurt me.

That is the reason I sometimes feel like a burden. It bothers me that I need something that he was raised to believe is wrong. I don't want him to feel like he is going against his own morals just to help me.

If I could just convey to him in a calm manor, which means not when the hormones are playing havoc with my mind, that during these times I am already inflicting so much mental and emotional pain on myself that any pain he were to inflict with a spanking would be a minor thing but with a major benefit.

I hope everyone had a lovely Valentine's Day and had some time to connect in what ever way is meaningful for you.

I did :)