Friday, February 8, 2013

Lost Ground

I've been so stressed an so unfocused that I haven't felt like writing. I haven't felt like rehashing all the crap I've been dealing with. I still don't feel much like writing, but I'd like to get some sleep tonight. I'm a notorious non-sleeper when I'm stressed, my mind just runs and runs and runs.

We had been in a really good place with the progression of D/s in our relationship, like we were both on the same page. It took a lot of time and work to get to that place, but I really did think that. I now realize we have lost a lot of ground over the past few weeks.

I've always known I was the driving force behind it, I was the one who proposed it and the one who wanted it. Musicman always assured me when ever I questioned him that he wanted it too, but it took a lot of convincing on his part for me to believe him.

I'm doubting again that he wants it, he let it go very easily. He doesn't seem to be nearly as bothered by the fact that we have precious little privacy for louder activities, such as spanking, as I am. That doesn't really surprise me all that much.

What does surprise me is the fact that he sees I'm upset, he says he wishes he could help, yet he makes very little effort to help. It's as if he has forgotten, or is reluctant to give me what I need. These were issues way back at the beginning, but I thought we had moved past them. In fact, we had, until this past month.

Most of this past month we have been either away from home or no privacy when we were home. That has changed within the last few days, we've had time, hours even, every night to ourselves. Monday night we spent some time getting reacquainted with the magic paddle. It was exactly what we both needed. Tuesday he got everything he needed.

Tonight was a bit of a different story. I had a really bad day today and needed his help. He saw that immediately when he got home. He commented several times during the course of the evening that he wanted to help me. Apparently that was about all the effort he felt like giving it though. Oh yeah, he spanked, but it was way to late and not nearly enough.

He has a bad habit of rushing through the spanking part to get to the sex part. Not always, but sometimes, and when I'm as stressed as I was tonight he knows I need more, not less. I know he knows that, cause I've told him that, repeatedly. It ends up being extremely frustrating for me and triggers my flight impulse.

Dark thoughts flood in and I run through a gamut of emotions. Rejection, anger, pain, worthlessness, like my needs are not important and neither am I. Ultimately, it makes me want to just say stop, I don't need or want this. It's not true, but it's the way it makes me feel.

I know that none of those things are what he intends, but that's what happens.  It took me a long time to be able to recognize the cycle and express it to him. That helped immensely in fixing the problem.  Considering 2 of the last 4 times we've attempted any playtime I've ended up in tears, you wouldn't think I'd have to tell him again. Expecting that though, would mean he would actually have to pay attention and figure it out for himself.

I'm not gonna hold my breath waiting for that to occur, it is after all, something I wanted, not him. Will I tell him again? Maybe, I don't know right now. I'm not much interested in talking about it, or thinking about it. I'm firmly in denial about what I need or about the fact that if I want to get what I need it's up to me to ask for it. I just don't care right now and that's never a good thing.



20 comments:

  1. I've found if you want him to know you'll have to tell him again. It evidently does NOT stick in their minds and I certainly know the feeling of rushing through a spanking to get to the sex part. It makes me angry and resentful too.
    Hugs,
    PK

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    1. I will tell him again, even though he knows already. If I could just better control the feelings in the after math, but it ain't as easy as it sounds. Writing it here helped me not to spiral down, so I suppose that's an improvement.

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  2. Let me suggest an approach for you. I hope you do not mind my advice, but I want to help. So forgive me.

    I agree with PK that you must tell us(male gender), we do not have the "sensing gene" that enables us to read your feelings. Tell us when we are relaxed and not stressed out like after sex or after a hot shower together.

    Good luck.

    Hug,
    joey

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    1. I never mind advice :)

      Musicman reads here and writing about it this time did help me not to spiral too far out of control. I know we will talk about it at some point.

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  3. Wow, I completely understand where you are! I know it can be soooo frustrating when you have had discussions and understandings and progress and yet it appears periodically that it all **POOF** goes away. I have to tell you, I agree with Joey. What we know so clearly - what we can see so clearly, sometimes the other sex does not. Talk to him. Tell him clearly what you need, give him the opportunity to step up and be your partner, be your Dom.

    Hugs,
    fiona

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    1. It really did surprise me how much ground we seem to have lost in such a short amount of time. Of course, we've been dealing with some very stressful things in that short amount of time too. I guess it's not as natural for us as I had thought it was. This blog isn't just for me to express and work through my feelings. It's also a good means of communication for us, he always reads my posts.

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  4. Hi Faerie,
    This post spoke to me on so many levels. The feeling of being the one who asked for this and needing the reassurance that he wants it too...the feeling of asking and sharing and communicating and wanting him to understand my needs and give me what I need when I need it and feeling discouraged when I don't receive what I need...the feeling of "dark emotions" of rejection and worthless leaving me wanting to say "I don't want this" when I know I do...I relate to so much of this. I often feel bitter if I share and don't receive because it feels like he doesn't care enough and then I go to those bad feelings of feeling not worthy enough or too needy...but Us is too important not to keep trying to get the message through. I must agree with those who have already spoken and encourage you to tell him how you feel. Easier said than done, I know. Hugs, Terps

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    1. He knows, he reads here, which has helped us trememndously get through some of the rough spots. As I said, I know he never intends to make me feel this way, but even knowing that I have a hard time getting those dark emtions under control. Writing about it did help with that this time, so I'm at least making some progress.

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  5. Oh Faerie, do I hear you. Loud and clear as if you were my own voice. Keep talking. It sucks and hurts and is frustrating as heck, but keep talking.

    Big Hugs

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    1. It's always nice to know I'm not the only that has experienced this :) We'll keep talking and hopefully, sooner rather then later things will be back on an even keel.

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  6. So sorry you're going through this hope things work out for the better Hugs

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    1. Thanks tiffany, thngs will get better and hopfully soon :)

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  7. Faerie, you have so much on your plate right now, I'm not surprised your are frustrated. I hope things get better soon.

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    1. Yeah, so much stress, which is why it would be really helpful if I had some form of stress relief ;D

      We're working on getting back in sync with each other. Like most things, it's just gonna take some time.

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  8. Hi Faerie,

    Just keep talking to him. Men can be so brilliant in many areas, but sometimes they don't get it, and it's frustrating to have to ask for something like that.

    If you're like me, if you have to ask, then it's not as good. I need Brent to bring it up himself and take care of it because it's his idea, not mine.

    Good luck!
    Hannah

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    1. Welcome Hannah, yep, it is better if I donn't have to ask or tell him I need more. It's not realistic to expect that right now, but we'll keep working on it.

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  9. It has been a very stressful time for both of you, hang on as tight as you can.....hugs abby

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    1. I'm doing my best to do just that :)

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  10. Well he is a guy, DH does hurry through sometimes too, just because it is too sexy. Musicman is just a man, who finds having you in that position really hot. Maybe he just needed sex for himself more to release his stress?
    I hope you get what you need though.

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    1. It was just a matter of miscommunication, it happens sometimes. Writing here really helped me not to bottle it all up, plus he reads here so that keeps the lines of communication open too.

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