I've been so stressed an so unfocused that I haven't felt like writing. I haven't felt like rehashing all the crap I've been dealing with. I still don't feel much like writing, but I'd like to get some sleep tonight. I'm a notorious non-sleeper when I'm stressed, my mind just runs and runs and runs.
We had been in a really good place with the progression of D/s in our relationship, like we were both on the same page. It took a lot of time and work to get to that place, but I really did think that. I now realize we have lost a lot of ground over the past few weeks.
I've always known I was the driving force behind it, I was the one who proposed it and the one who wanted it. Musicman always assured me when ever I questioned him that he wanted it too, but it took a lot of convincing on his part for me to believe him.
I'm doubting again that he wants it, he let it go very easily. He doesn't seem to be nearly as bothered by the fact that we have precious little privacy for louder activities, such as spanking, as I am. That doesn't really surprise me all that much.
What does surprise me is the fact that he sees I'm upset, he says he wishes he could help, yet he makes very little effort to help. It's as if he has forgotten, or is reluctant to give me what I need. These were issues way back at the beginning, but I thought we had moved past them. In fact, we had, until this past month.
Most of this past month we have been either away from home or no privacy when we were home. That has changed within the last few days, we've had time, hours even, every night to ourselves. Monday night we spent some time getting reacquainted with the magic paddle. It was exactly what we both needed. Tuesday he got everything he needed.
Tonight was a bit of a different story. I had a really bad day today and needed his help. He saw that immediately when he got home. He commented several times during the course of the evening that he wanted to help me. Apparently that was about all the effort he felt like giving it though. Oh yeah, he spanked, but it was way to late and not nearly enough.
He has a bad habit of rushing through the spanking part to get to the sex part. Not always, but sometimes, and when I'm as stressed as I was tonight he knows I need more, not less. I know he knows that, cause I've told him that, repeatedly. It ends up being extremely frustrating for me and triggers my flight impulse.
Dark thoughts flood in and I run through a gamut of emotions. Rejection, anger, pain, worthlessness, like my needs are not important and neither am I. Ultimately, it makes me want to just say stop, I don't need or want this. It's not true, but it's the way it makes me feel.
I know that none of those things are what he intends, but that's what happens. It took me a long time to be able to recognize the cycle and express it to him. That helped immensely in fixing the problem. Considering 2 of the last 4 times we've attempted any playtime I've ended up in tears, you wouldn't think I'd have to tell him again. Expecting that though, would mean he would actually have to pay attention and figure it out for himself.
I'm not gonna hold my breath waiting for that to occur, it is after all, something I wanted, not him. Will I tell him again? Maybe, I don't know right now. I'm not much interested in talking about it, or thinking about it. I'm firmly in denial about what I need or about the fact that if I want to get what I need it's up to me to ask for it. I just don't care right now and that's never a good thing.