Monday, February 4, 2013

How faerie got lost

I'm finally starting to emerge from the funk I've been stuck in. Actually it's been much more then a funk, it's been a full blown melt down. I had been handling all the recent stress pretty well, I thought. Even when it continued coming I kept plugging onward, until I broke.

I was swept away in some very deep, very painful emotions. I was stuck for days, alternating between crying and suppressing all emotion to the point of running on automatic. I barely left my bedroom or my bed for several days. I didn't even find my usual comfort in cleaning and did only what was absolutely necessary at the time.

Try as I might, I wasn't able to figure out what the problem was until I was writing an email to a friend. Then it kind of hit me what was happening. The pain and hurt was not just from the current stressors in my life, something had triggered me, big time.

Those of you who have read here before probably already know I grew up in a severely abusive home. It's something I have fought to recover from my entire life and consider myself a survivor, not a victim. The one thing I know for sure about being a survivor is this, there will always be triggers to deal with and you may not always see them coming. That's what happened this time, it blind sided me.

The trigger was my daughter getting pregnant. I spent several years being totally terrified on a daily basis that I would become pregnant by my abuser. I knew if I ended up pregnant by him my life would become much, much worse. My angels must have been watching over me, because I did not get pregnant by him.

I vowed then that I would never put myself in the position of having to deal with an unplanned, unwanted pregnancy. When I chose to become sexually active I did what I thought was the responsible thing. I went by myself, to the free clinic and got birth control. I was 14 and it was horrible, but it was better then getting pregnant. I was vigilant about using it and never did have an unplanned or unwanted pregnancy.

I also did what I thought was the responsible thing for a mother to do for her kids, I armed them with knowledge. I started when they were young, in an age appropriate manner, teaching them about the birds and the bees. When my daughter was a teen, I took her to a kind, gentle, female doctor for her first checkup. I encouraged her and the doctor to discuss birth control and offered to get it for her if she needed it. When I found out my son was sexually active, I bought him condoms. Most importantly, or so I thought, I taught them to be responsible, to always use protection.

In addition to my daughter currently dealing with an unplanned, unwanted pregnancy, I found out that not only did she not use any protection, but that she had been lying to me every time I asked her if she was. As recently as the week before she moved back in with us, we talked about it and she assured me she was using something.

When she told me these things I was not happy, but I tried to be accepting of it. I also told her I was not happy about some of the things that were occurring since she had moved back in. Namely, her boyfriend being at our house, hold up in her room for sometimes up to 12 hours everyday. I told her it needed to stop. She did not take that very well and behaved in a less then mature manner.

I did not address it immediately because I felt the need to consult Musicman about all of it. I felt that way for many reasons. First, he is her father and this is his house, he definitely gets a say in what happens with both. Second, I know that because of my background I have a tendency to over react to things sometimes, he's always been my guiding light in these situations.

Unfortunately, I didn't realize how strongly I felt about all this and neither did he. He had no idea when he essentially told me to keep my mouth shut, how badly that would go for me. I know he is not happy with the situation either, but with everything else going on, quarreling with our daughter and alienating her did not seem like a great idea at the time.

What it did do was take me right back to the terrified young girl I had been, and I got stuck there. It made me feel all alone and like I was losing everything I had worked so hard to achieve. I couldn't handle that thought and I withdrew from him, from myself and from my life. I shut down completely. He was worried, he knew I was very upset, but I offered him no ideas of what was wrong, mostly cause I didn't know myself. He tried more then once to help me through it, but it didn't work, I just cried more. They were not carthatic or cleansing tears either.

Yesterday I was finally able to put all the pieces together and talk with him about it. It wasn't a pleasant conversation, but it was necessary. I told him exactly how I felt and why. I told him what I need to have happen, to be able to deal with the situation. I also told him that the most important thing I need from him is his support in dealing with our daughter. I believe we have achieved that.

The situation is not entirely settled yet. I was simply too exhausted to speak to our daughter yesterday, which is most likely why it's 3:30 in the morning and instead of sleeping I'm wide awake and writing this very long post. I am feeling better and will be speaking with our daughter soon.

Hopefully we will soon have some privacy for a real reconnection, I think we both need that, and then I can get back to regularly scheduled programming. That's so much more pleasant to write about and I'm sure for you to read.





20 comments:

  1. Welcome back, life has dealt you lots of blows lately. Good for you for recognizing the trigger
    and reaching out to your hubby. Remember to be good to yourself...
    hugs abby

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    1. Thanks abby, I'm starting to feel more like myself again, and it feels good. I'm not so sure Musicman is thrilled with me turning to him all the time, but that is always what I do.

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  2. oh faerie this post resonanted with me on one level because i got pregnant (through my own carelessness),i was young but old enough to know better, and i remember my mum being so upset and i couldnt understand why.

    My mum had a background that she wont talk about, what i do know of it wasnt nice..far from it, and i think my being preganant unearthed some of her triggers.

    She proved to be an invaluable help but it was a rocky road, i think she wanted 'better' for me and to a certain extent i can understand that now im a mother myself.

    Sorry im rambling but as abby said good for you seeing the trigger and wanting to address it.

    x

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    1. Ramble anytime you want, I don't mind :) My daughter may not recognize or appreciate the support and help we are offering her now, but we will continue to do it. It will not be on her terms, it will be on ours so I can maintain my sanity.

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  3. Its not fair when too many things pile up at once. But fair or not, you got it. I hope you are able to say what you decide needs to be said and stick with it. Nothing about this is easy. You and musicman ned to hold on to each other tight!

    Hugs,
    PK

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    1. When my kids would complain "it's not fair," I'd always respond, "life's not fair, get over it." Guess I need to take my own advice here :)

      I did talk to her, and she's not happy about the situation. Oh well, neither am I. She has a lot of growing up to do and we will both be here to help her do the right thing.

      As for Musicman, he may need to acquire a jack hammer to pry me off him, lol.

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  4. Faerie, it sounds like your daughter has chosen her own road, and now will be dealing with some heavy duty consequences. It hurts to see our children to make poor choices, to watch them have to struggle, but I've learned that letting themgrow up, insisting on it around us, in our home, is the only healthy way to go. I hope that musicman and you can come to some ageements on the rules in your home for her, and that he can take the lead in enforcing those rules to take this burden off your shoulders. Good for you for figuring things out and being able to say them!

    Sara

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    1. Thanks Sara, I'm never sure which is the harder part for me, figuring out what needs to be said, or actually saying it.

      Musicman and I essentially have the same moral and ethical outlook about life. We have the same beliefs and goals, we just take different ways to get to them. That's were good communication becomes so critical for us.

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  5. Faerie, you are a survivor. You and Musicman are a phenomenal team! Lean on him. He's strong and can support you.

    I will send good energy your way for discussions that are well received, productive and positive with your daughter.

    Huge Hugs coming your way!!!
    Fiona

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    1. Thanks Fiona, we are a good team. Sometimes it's necessary and beneficial to remind ourselves of that, and I often do :)

      The discussion was not well received by our daughter, but it didn't go as badly as it could have.

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  6. One of the hardest jobs a mom has to do is watch them make their own mistakes. However, she is living your house. Free of charge? It is reasonable that there be a few house rules that she is expected to follow. First you and Musicman need to agree on them, put them in writing and tell her what you expect. Don't be a door mat. Be her mom.

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    1. We did have rules in place for her, she just found a loophole to get around them. Musicman and I have closed those loopholes and have informed her of them. She's not happy, but she'll get over it in time.

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  7. faerie: A daughter's unplanned pregnancy is a lot of stress for any mother, much less one who has dealt with the issues you have.

    What happened is probably predictable and it is good that you continue to be a survivor. Good luck in dealing with all this. All your blogger friends are supporting you and look forward to the pleasant things you will be able to write about.

    FD

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    1. Thanks FD, it gets tiring sometimes to always have to deal with the effects of my past, but ignoring them doesn't work at all.

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  8. The hardest thing as a mother is letting your children make the mistakes you have equiped them with the knowledge to avoid. I understand how you feel and think you had a really normal reaction.

    Just remember to talk witMusicman and keep him in the loop with how you are feeling.

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    1. Thanks Kat, this reaction wasn't normal for me. Once I realized that I was able to deal with it. Musicman missed his chance to rum a long time ago, so he's stuck with me and my craziness :) He handles it pretty well too.

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  9. Sending love and friendship your way. Hugs, Terpsichore

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    1. Thank you Terpsichore, I do appreciate the support :)

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  10. Became silent
    in reading your blog
    don't know how to react
    I think you may be proud
    but I'm not sure that
    you will feel that way

    So, just give you a hug

    Monsieur Fessee

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    1. The only thing I'm proud of is that I figured out what was wrong and was at least able to verbalize it.

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