I'm finally starting to emerge from the funk I've been stuck in. Actually it's been much more then a funk, it's been a full blown melt down. I had been handling all the recent stress pretty well, I thought. Even when it continued coming I kept plugging onward, until I broke.
I was swept away in some very deep, very painful emotions. I was stuck for days, alternating between crying and suppressing all emotion to the point of running on automatic. I barely left my bedroom or my bed for several days. I didn't even find my usual comfort in cleaning and did only what was absolutely necessary at the time.
Try as I might, I wasn't able to figure out what the problem was until I was writing an email to a friend. Then it kind of hit me what was happening. The pain and hurt was not just from the current stressors in my life, something had triggered me, big time.
Those of you who have read here before probably already know I grew up in a severely abusive home. It's something I have fought to recover from my entire life and consider myself a survivor, not a victim. The one thing I know for sure about being a survivor is this, there will always be triggers to deal with and you may not always see them coming. That's what happened this time, it blind sided me.
The trigger was my daughter getting pregnant. I spent several years being totally terrified on a daily basis that I would become pregnant by my abuser. I knew if I ended up pregnant by him my life would become much, much worse. My angels must have been watching over me, because I did not get pregnant by him.
I vowed then that I would never put myself in the position of having to deal with an unplanned, unwanted pregnancy. When I chose to become sexually active I did what I thought was the responsible thing. I went by myself, to the free clinic and got birth control. I was 14 and it was horrible, but it was better then getting pregnant. I was vigilant about using it and never did have an unplanned or unwanted pregnancy.
I also did what I thought was the responsible thing for a mother to do for her kids, I armed them with knowledge. I started when they were young, in an age appropriate manner, teaching them about the birds and the bees. When my daughter was a teen, I took her to a kind, gentle, female doctor for her first checkup. I encouraged her and the doctor to discuss birth control and offered to get it for her if she needed it. When I found out my son was sexually active, I bought him condoms. Most importantly, or so I thought, I taught them to be responsible, to always use protection.
In addition to my daughter currently dealing with an unplanned, unwanted pregnancy, I found out that not only did she not use any protection, but that she had been lying to me every time I asked her if she was. As recently as the week before she moved back in with us, we talked about it and she assured me she was using something.
When she told me these things I was not happy, but I tried to be accepting of it. I also told her I was not happy about some of the things that were occurring since she had moved back in. Namely, her boyfriend being at our house, hold up in her room for sometimes up to 12 hours everyday. I told her it needed to stop. She did not take that very well and behaved in a less then mature manner.
I did not address it immediately because I felt the need to consult Musicman about all of it. I felt that way for many reasons. First, he is her father and this is his house, he definitely gets a say in what happens with both. Second, I know that because of my background I have a tendency to over react to things sometimes, he's always been my guiding light in these situations.
Unfortunately, I didn't realize how strongly I felt about all this and neither did he. He had no idea when he essentially told me to keep my mouth shut, how badly that would go for me. I know he is not happy with the situation either, but with everything else going on, quarreling with our daughter and alienating her did not seem like a great idea at the time.
What it did do was take me right back to the terrified young girl I had been, and I got stuck there. It made me feel all alone and like I was losing everything I had worked so hard to achieve. I couldn't handle that thought and I withdrew from him, from myself and from my life. I shut down completely. He was worried, he knew I was very upset, but I offered him no ideas of what was wrong, mostly cause I didn't know myself. He tried more then once to help me through it, but it didn't work, I just cried more. They were not carthatic or cleansing tears either.
Yesterday I was finally able to put all the pieces together and talk with him about it. It wasn't a pleasant conversation, but it was necessary. I told him exactly how I felt and why. I told him what I need to have happen, to be able to deal with the situation. I also told him that the most important thing I need from him is his support in dealing with our daughter. I believe we have achieved that.
The situation is not entirely settled yet. I was simply too exhausted to speak to our daughter yesterday, which is most likely why it's 3:30 in the morning and instead of sleeping I'm wide awake and writing this very long post. I am feeling better and will be speaking with our daughter soon.
Hopefully we will soon have some privacy for a real reconnection, I think we both need that, and then I can get back to regularly scheduled programming. That's so much more pleasant to write about and I'm sure for you to read.