Communicating Well

Communication is the key to a great relationship, whether vanilla or D/s. Communicating well with each other is something Musicman and I have focused on since the beginning of our relationship. He and I have the same moral and ethical values, but we don't communicate the same way, that alone can cause problems.

Musicman is not a good verbal communicator, but he is excellent at non verbal communication. I recognized this very early on in our relationship and have spent a lot of time and energy cultivating my rather lacking skills in non verbal communication.

At first, I didn't want to learn how to communicate his way. I didn't particularly care for all the constant touching and groping every time I came near him. I knew why I didn't like it, but found it easier to tell him to stop doing it then to learn to like it.

It was only after I insisted he stop that he did stop. It didn't take long for me to realize I missed it. I apologized and told him how wrong I was. From that day forward I started learning to communicate better in a non verbal manner. I've come a long way over the years in improving my non verbal communication.

Even though I made an effort to learn to communicate his way, he also met me half way and has learned to be a better verbal communicator. It's not his "go to" way of communicating and I still sometimes remind him I need the words. He does the best he can.

My most effective way of communicating is in writing. It's something I've done since we first got together. When the subject was difficult for me I would often write it down in a letter to him. When I first proposed a D/s lifestyle I did it by sending him an email. I continued emailing him whenever things became too confusing or too difficult for me to say out loud.

This is not his favorite way for me to communicate, he would much rather I just speak to him, but he does understand that sometimes I just can't come right out and say it. Sometimes, when we are discussing intimate things and I get stuck he encourages me to whisper whatever I'm having trouble getting out to him. I can do that, but I honestly don't know how he even hears me, I whisper so low that even I can't hear myself.

When I first started this blog, I didn't tell him about it. That took a few months, then I emailed him explaining it and sent him the link. Since that day, he's read every post I've written. I don't write with him in mind, I write for myself, to help me untangle all the jumbled thoughts. It works quite well too.

I realized after writing my last post, that me not being able to focus enough to write is part of the reason we have lost so much ground. He has no gauge on what's going on with me. Things are still very stressful here, still dealing with several serious issues. That isn't going to change anytime soon and neither he, nor I, have much control over how these issues will work out.

What we do have control over is how often and how well we communicate with each other. In that vein, I am going to try very hard to focus enough to post more regularly and to pay attention to the non verbal communication he is giving me.