Saturday, February 9, 2013

Communicating Well

Communication is the key to a great relationship, whether vanilla or D/s. Communicating well with each other is something Musicman and I have focused on since the beginning of our relationship. He and I have the same moral and ethical values, but we don't communicate the same way, that alone can cause problems.

Musicman is not a good verbal communicator, but he is excellent at non verbal communication. I recognized this very early on in our relationship and have spent a lot of time and energy cultivating my rather lacking skills in non verbal communication.

At first, I didn't want to learn how to communicate his way. I didn't particularly care for all the constant touching and groping every time I came near him. I knew why I didn't like it, but found it easier to tell him to stop doing it then to learn to like it.

It was only after I insisted he stop that he did stop. It didn't take long for me to realize I missed it. I apologized and told him how wrong I was. From that day forward I started learning to communicate better in a non verbal manner. I've come a long way over the years in improving my non verbal communication.

Even though I made an effort to learn to communicate his way, he also met me half way and has learned to be a better verbal communicator. It's not his "go to" way of communicating and I still sometimes remind him I need the words. He does the best he can.

My most effective way of communicating is in writing. It's something I've done since we first got together. When the subject was difficult for me I would often write it down in a letter to him. When I first proposed a D/s lifestyle I did it by sending him an email. I continued emailing him whenever things became too confusing or too difficult for me to say out loud.

This is not his favorite way for me to communicate, he would much rather I just speak to him, but he does understand that sometimes I just can't come right out and say it. Sometimes, when we are discussing intimate things and I get stuck he encourages me to whisper whatever I'm having trouble getting out to him. I can do that, but I honestly don't know how he even hears me, I whisper so low that even I can't hear myself.

When I first started this blog, I didn't tell him about it. That took a few months, then I emailed him explaining it and sent him the link. Since that day, he's read every post I've written. I don't write with him in mind, I write for myself, to help me untangle all the jumbled thoughts. It works quite well too.

I realized after writing my last post, that me not being able to focus enough to write is part of the reason we have lost so much ground. He has no gauge on what's going on with me. Things are still very stressful here, still dealing with several serious issues. That isn't going to change anytime soon and neither he, nor I, have much control over how these issues will work out.

What we do have control over is how often and how well we communicate with each other. In that vein, I am going to try very hard to focus enough to post more regularly and to pay attention to the non verbal communication he is giving me.



20 comments:

  1. That's a very good point faerie and it makes me wonder that perhaps Mitch and I have 'slipped' recently partly because I wasn't blogging? Hmmm. And sometimes, even though I, like you, write for myself, well maybe it's not helped that those things I need to whisper to him or can't say at all without writing it out, that's been a little bit in not helping?
    Communication is key huh, before anything/everything else because without that, there is not that much at all.
    ((Hugs faerie)) just because :)

    Dee x

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    1. It's hard to ask for what you want or need if you don't know what that is. Writing helps me figure it out and gives him a bit of insight on where my head is at. I wish I had that same insight of him, but that ain't NEVER gonna happen, lol :)

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  2. Invitation - inglês
    I'm Brazilian.
    Spent reading here, and visit his blog.
    I also have one, only much simpler.
    I'm inviting you to visit me, and if possible follow together for them and with them. I always liked to write, expose and share my ideas with people, regardless of class Social, Religious Creed, the Sexual Orientation, or, of Ethnicity.
    To me, what will interest is our exchange of ideas, and, thoughts.
    I'm there in my space Simpleton, waiting for you.
    And I'm already following your blog.
    Strength, Peace, Friendship and Happiness
    For you, a hug from Brazil.
    www.josemariacosta.com

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  3. Im much the same as you faerie in that i find it easier to express my feelings, thoughts etc via writing, not that we dont talk coz he wont let me get away with not talking things through (he is very big on talking).

    The blog was his idea and it has helped in getting me to natter on about things and to interact with others, getting different views and also seeing im not alone.

    I also keep a private handwritten journal for communicating with him, usually about fantasies etc that i dont feel comfortable with expressing to him face to face lol.

    As long as there is communication no matter its form then thats a positive thing.

    x

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    1. I like the idea of a private journal to share fanatsies and such. Might have to give that some thought, though knowing Musicman, he would read it and that's about it. He would probably like less of an insight from me, not more, lol.

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  4. Hi! A very well thought out point, Faerie. I, too, have an easier time communicating through words on paper. Words spoken are often spoken with emotions and tears or in a quiet whisper or giggle and hard to express clearly. I've tried writing letters and he has read, but in general my husband is not a reader, other than the news and therefore, that is not a great way to communicate on a regular basis. And I still feel like the message I am trying to get across is not getting through to his direct signal. I am running out of ideas. Any suggestions??? I like Tori's idea of keeping a personal journal and making it available for him to read...maybe I will try that... Anyways, sorry for babbling...my mind is thinking a mile a minute as always. I am glad you and your husband have found ways to communicate with each other that work for you. Hugs, Terps

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    1. Babble away, I don't mind a bit, lol.

      No suggestions, just {{{hugs}}}. Our communication is usaully very good, but not always, nothing is fool proof. At times, I have the unerring ability to be a HUGE fool :)

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  5. I don't know what the issues are in your life that are stressful, but I hope it works out in a good way. Also, hope you and Musicman can stay close, even with the stresses of daily life.

    Love,
    Hannah

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    1. January was a veritable shit storm for us, some of it I blogged about, some of it I haven't. Just too much negativity for me to wrap my head around. The things we have been dealing with knocked me off my axis for awhile, but we are slowly getting adjusted.

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  6. Keep writing girl if that's what it takes to sort it out. Thoughts and prayers are yours, you already know that.

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    1. Yes, I know that and appreciate it more then you could know :)

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  7. I think one of the reasons many of us blog is to sort out our thoughts and feelings, so that we can better communicate them to our partners. You had musicman have a very solid basis....you will get back on the 'same page'.hugs abby

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    1. Yeah we will, I'm just inpatient and want it to happen NOW. If only, huh?

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  8. My gender is wired much differently. I really struggle with communication and sometimes my words say one thing and my tone of voice conveys a different message. Or, my body language says something different. All of these key parts of communication conspire to want drive me into my "cave" and deal with my emotions and feelings in private.

    I envy females because you can share your experiences with female friends. Abby's comment is a perfect example. My gender usually does not share which is a real burden for us. For example, it is rare to find a male blogger,including me,who discusses personal matters.

    I wish I could give advice, but I can only explain how I behave.

    Hug,
    joey


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    1. The differences in the way men and women commincate have always fascinated me. That's probably why I have spent so much time researching it. One would think by now I'b be good at it, such is not the case, lol. I appreciate you sharing your experiences, you sound much like most of the men I know.

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  9. It's great that you have learned methods of communicating that work well for BOTH of you. Sometimes these methods need tweaking/honing, but you work on it. Like you said communicating is key to ALL good relationships.

    How is your brother doing. And your daughter? I keep them and y'all in my thoughts.

    Hugs,
    Fiona

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    1. Communication is the one thing that always needs worked on, no matter how good one might think they are at it. At least that's been my experience.

      Thank you for the kind thoughts about my brother and daughter. Things remain very tense and challenging with our daughter. My brother continues to have set backs and most likely will not be with us much longer, unless a miracle happens. I'm praying with everything I have for just that.

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    2. You all will stay in my thoughts and prayers.

      Hugs,
      Fiona

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  10. faerie, I started my blog for some of the same reasons. A big part was to have a place to sort out my own feeling and then to give them a voice, and yes, grant reads each and every post too. I think the bog has helped us learn more about each other regarding our dynamic. We are both pretty verbal, although Grant often touches than speaks, and I've got the words. Still, the more communication the better. There have been times when I simply could not write, and times when I approached my blog like a self-imposed disciplined task...that I WOULD write and post 3x a week. You will find your way. Whatever this is, it too shall pass. Hang in there, ok?
    Sara

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    1. Thanks Sara, I'm really trying to hang on and find some thing I can to do to address the serious situations we are facing. There just isn't all that much, but shutting down and withdrawing certainly didn't help me any. I guess not doing that again is as a good a place to start as any.

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