Monday, April 9, 2012

Falling Off The Learning Curve

I am aware that when starting this lifestyle there is a bit of a learning curve. I'm so tired of falling off that curve. I'm even more tired of being thrown off. I know he doesn't mean to do that, but it keeps happening anyway.

The weekend started off well enough, but it soon devolved into a series of miscommunications on both our parts that caused a bit of an issue. Musicman has developed a bad habit of speaking before he thinks. He says things off the cuff, things that are not designed to hurt me, but they do. My usual response of late is to withdraw into silence, at which point he gives up and ignores me.

He knows ignoring me is the worst thing he could do, or at least he should because I've told him that multiple times. Besides, that is not new, I have never been ammenable to being ignored. I made a concerted effort not to withdraw into silence because I know that's not helpful.

He made an effort, he took advantage of an empty house, we had some play time. Everything is good, NOT. Sometimes it just doesn't quite work as well as we would like. It works fine for him, just not so much for me sometimes. It is not my most shining moment to say the least when this happens.

My mind floods with all kinds of doubts and negativity. He doesn't want this. He doesn't want me. This is not working. I'm a freak and I should just stop needing this. I shouldn't be so sensitive, that is what Musicman tells me. Hmm, a sensitive female, go figure. He also says I shouldn't think so much. We've been here before and I don't like the scenery much.

I made an effort to talk about the issue. Musicman listens, but he makes almost zero effort to respond. Apparently it's okay for me to struggle to communicate but not him. I make it too easy for him because I am more then willing to make excuses for him. I tell myself he's been through so much the last few months, he just needs more time. I get that, afterall, it's not like he has gone through this all alone.

After the useless histrionics on my part concluded I worked up my courage and told him what I needed. It was hard, but I kept reminding myself he is not a mind reader. In a pathetic attempt to avoid actually giving voice to my needs I asked him if he had learned to read my mind yet. He assured me he had not. So I found my voice and I told him I needed more. Yay me, forward progress, even if baby steps, is still progress.  He listened, he gave me what I needed. All is good. Until the next morning.

I woke up much earlier than he did. Not unusual and not a problem, I was having coffee and reading the newspaper. I'm a bit of a news junkie and love to read the newspaper. I had baked cinammon rolls for breakfast. It should have been a pleasant morning. It would have been if he just would have thought for one minute before opening his mouth and making a careless comment. A comment that if he had thought at all about he would have realized that it would do nothing but add fuel to the doubts I wrestle with. I tried not to retreat, I told him how the comment affected me. He said I need to be less sensitive, it was a joke. I didn't find it funny.

He tells me he doesn't like to see my sad eyes, he wants me to be happy. He has the ability to help me be happy, but he tells me if I'm not happy that's up to me to fix. To a certain extent I agree. There is one small problem with that though, I can't do this alone, if I could I certainly would.

I don't think he realizes how dangerous it is to say things like that to me when I'm upset. You see, I will fight for what I want, I'll fight with everything I have. That's how I survived my childhood, by never giving up. But, at some point if it seems like losing is inevitable, I'll stop fighting. I'll change my strategy, I'll run. The last time I ran I was 17. I found myself 1000 miles away from anyone or anything familiar. I had a borrowed car, a box of basic necessities, a suitcase of clothes and a small amount of money and that's it. I had no place to live, no job and didn't know a soul. I survived.

I've never considered giving up on this relationship, I've never considered running. Lately, when things like this happen, and he says off hand things, things that he doesn't even remember saying later, I think about running. That scares me.

32 comments:

  1. Hold on faerie! You have clearly found a very vulnerable place in yourself. I'm not too sure what to say, but maybe I'll just suggest that you go cling to musicman and even if he doesn't really quite understand, rest there for a bit and remember how much you are loved.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you Susie, We did in fact spend the last afternoon just resting together. And things are better :)

      Delete
  2. Faerie, I do know exactly how you're feeling. I had the same doubts and worries when we started this. My background problems were not as serious as yours and Nick may open up a tad more so maybe my feelings weren't as intense but they were hard for me. And yes there were even the rare thought of running.

    I would pull back too and go silent. Nick never seemed to notice and that would hurt my feelings too. One of my coping mechanisms was to write a mean, hateful, post pointing out every negative thing I could about Nick. I mean I would let him have it and show NO mercy. I never posted them, but I sure wrote them!

    You and Musicman love each other! Start there. TTWD can improve what's all ready good. But it can led to misunderstanding and hurt feelings. It's a risk to introduce it, but in my opinion it's worth it.

    Hang in there,
    PK

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. PK, my friend, please don't ever diminsh your feelings, levels of intensity are a subjective thing. We all have our challenges in life.

      I'm afraid if I picked up the computer to try and write when I'm that upset I would be tempted to chuck it at the wall. That would not be good.

      Thanks for saying TTWD can improve what's already good, sometimes it just feels like I broke us. When it works, it really works and is well worth taking the risk.

      Your support and wisdom have helped me so much, thank you :)

      Delete
  3. Faerie,

    On behalf of men, I apologize! You need to let him know: (1) you cannot stop being "so sensitive" because that is who you are, (2) he plays a big role in your self esteem (right or wrong does not matter, he just does and (3) when he hurts you, you want to run from the pain, not necessarily him, but the pain he causes.

    As a guy married to a sensitive woman, I know it can be frustrating, but the rewards are greater. If he wants to raise any type of criticism, he needs to know that the time and place are not when you are already hurting/insecure.

    I wish you both the best. We are here for you.

    TTFN
    Mr. No Name

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Mr. No Name

      On behalf of women I accept. LOL.

      Seriously though, thank you so much for contributing a male opinion. It's nice to hear that (1) I'm not the only "so sensitive" woman, (2)that there are rewards.

      Very astute of you saying it's the pain I'm running from, the clarity of seeing it phrased that way really helps.

      Thank you for taking the time to share your thoughts :)

      Delete
  4. Faerie...HUGS....hang in there. I also pull back into myself...it used to happen often...not so much anymore, luckily for me/Us Master has learned to not allow me to stay there. But it took a lot of hard work and effort on both our parts. You two have been through a LOT! It takes time to recover, more than we would like. Keep trying to talk, I htink you are on the right path.
    abby

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Do you really think we are on the right path? Sometimes I think we are stuck in a bit of a loop.

      We will keep working on it and keep learning and look forward to a time when it doesn't happen quite so often. Thank you for the encouragement :)

      Delete
  5. I so get the off handed remarks thing. My Husband does this as well. Those little comments can have me spiraling down quicker than anything, and he doesn't even realize he said anything.

    The only thing I have discovered is that if I am in a more "inner child" place and I respond more with exaggerated pouts and expressions everything seems to be resolved quicker. (After all, they are just silly boys and don't realize what they say half the time.) Now I am not always in that head space, and when I am not I tend to panic or withdrawal more, and like you describe it doesn't work out for anyone really.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. It's good to know it's not just me. They really are just innocent little comments and yet can be a huge trigger.

      I know what you mean about the "inner child" headspace, for me though she hides immediately when this happens. She is not at all brave enough to stick around yet.

      I made a little tiny bit of progress this time not withdrawing and I will keep trying :)

      Delete
  6. Men are pretty good about sticking their head in the sand when they don't understand something. They are also good at retreating if someone says they are doing something wrong. I don't remember who I mentioned this to, so if it was you, forgive the repeat. There is a set of online books. You have to download them. I bought them from VariantBooks.com. They were reasonably cheap when bought together. One is titled: HOW TO GET THE SPANKING YOU WANT. The other is titled: HOW TO GIVE A SPANKING, Advice From The Receiving End. I downloaded the PDAs, and I printed them, even though they are long, because I didn't want to read books that long on a computer screen. I knew my husband wouldn't like to read from the computer. I read through both. While reading the one for my husband, I put notes in the margins about things that didn't apply to me or my liking. I also added notes to be more specific about what I did want. The one book helps you the Spankee know what things help and what things sabatoge what you want. The other book helps him understand the need, how it shows love, how very important it is. It answers who, what, when, where, and how. They both emphasize communication. My husband seemed to understand more. I hope you find this post helped. You must understand that I don't really know either one of you. There may be other reasons you want to run. You need to know that if you leave, that it's what you really want. Do you want the relationship to work out, but there's this one really important part that isn't working out. OR... Are you not wanting this relationship to work out, and this is as good of reason as any of the other reasons to leave. If you want your relationship to work out, you need to give it all you got, and find ways to help him understand. At least you will know you gave it your all first. You may get exactly what you want. God Bless You and give you wisdom and guidance in your decisions and actions. Remember that if we went by "feelings", we would be in and out of relationships all the time. Give yourself time to think, ponder, and pray, and listen. God Bless you Both, - Belle L

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Belle L

      Thank you for the information about the books. I will check them out. Reading and making notes sounds like a great way to approach it.

      I do feel the need to tell you that this relationship not working out is not an option, it never has been. The urge to run is a gut reaction on my part to the overwhelming situation. It is not something that I would ever do.

      Writing is very much a tool that helps me process things and sometimes the things I have to process just aren't very pretty. The fact that you or anyone else chooses to read it and offer support is a benefit I can't define :)

      Delete
  7. faerie: I want you to know I admire you and how you have coped with so much in your young life and you have survived. I understand that it scares you when you think about runnin and I understand why you think about running. It is what you had to do to survive in the past.

    But things are different now. You and musicman obviously love each other. But like in all relationships, issues pop up and I hope you two can deal with this one. Good luck on making him realize how hurtful his offhand comments can be to you even when he doesn't mean them to.

    I wish I had some pithy advice on how to handle this but I just want to wish you two the best.

    FD

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Kind Sir,

      You give me the gift of listening and understanding. Sometimes that is more than enough. Thank you for your kind wishes and support. We will deal with it, it just may get a little ugly sometimes:)

      Delete
  8. Oh Faerie: I feel so bad for you. I've read all of the comments and there is some good advice in there. I think you should show Mr. No Name's comment to MM. It might have get through because its from someone that's been there.
    I know it will work out because you love each other deeply.
    You know you are really not thinking of running, just running from the problem and you know that never happens, they just packed in the suitcase.
    Hugs to you.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Sunnygirl, always the voice of sanity for me.

      You are right, I would never run from him and no I can't run from the problem either. Problems are like bunny rabbits, you put them in that dark suitcase and they start multipling endlessly.

      As much as it helps me to write, I think reading it does help him too. He is very much a quiet observer. He takes it all in, digests it and then take what he can use before discarding the rest :)

      Delete
  9. faerie,

    I don't mean to sound trite, but I wonder if part of it is your hormones. I'm serious, certain times of the month are much worse for me, about everything.

    I know you and Musicman were meant to be together. Good luck!

    Love,
    Kitty

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Kitty there is nothing trite about that comment. I've said it before, I'll say it again: Menopause is a Bitch. I don't like it, I'm tired of dealing with it and I really want it to go away.

      Do you hear that? That cackling that sounds like the Wicked Witch of the West? That's generations of women before me, laughing at me. Laughing everytime I tell Musicman I would like a hormonectomy please. Laughing at me when I suggest that Musicman take the evil hormones for awhile. Oh the joys of being a woman :)

      Delete
  10. I have that "flight" response sometimes too. It's awful and very hard to ignore but it does pass. I can tell in your writings how much the two of you are in love. I have found when I want to run the best thing for me to do is just stay as close as I can until it passes. Master is much more understanding of that than the distancing and I would bet MM is too.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I think the most surprising thing about the flight response is it really isn't something that I have had since I have been with him. It has been a total gut reaction, one I never expected. It is also one I would never actually consider, not in my sane moments anyway, lol.

      Delete
  11. Faerie,

    I get this. A recent offhanded comment of my husband's left me thinking I should pack up our child and my mom and move back across the country. We could have an online marriage. In the span of ten seconds I was thinking that. "I'll leave when you get paid next," I was thinking. I plotted how to work it out for hours. I didn't want to be away from him, but the comment he'd made made me think he'd be happier without the distractions of us.

    In bed that night when he asked me what I was thinking, as he often does when I've gone quiet and less... I suppose clingy is the word, but more in a physical sense than an emotional one, I told him "I'm thinking of how to leave you."

    It took him quite aback. He held me close and told me I am his life, without me he has NO life, me leaving him would not make his life better AT ALL.

    He had no idea such a small comment could cause such a big reaction.

    I so often feel as if I'm imposing on him, that it doesn't take much of a comment at all to make me feel I need to pull away, to give him space. We're working on it, we talk a lot. I'm working on accepting that he does what he wants, and not just because of me.. taking him at his word. It's hard, because I know how much he loves me and wants me to be happy.. yet I don't want that to be his sole motivation, because that feels wrong.

    We're getting there. You will too.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I plan it all out too. And when I told Musicman what I was thinking he said much the same things as your husband. I do believe he was more surprised then anything, shocked even. This is not a normal thought process for me.

      On reflection it always amazes me how logical, methodical and organized I can be in that moment of total insanity. Because that's very much what it is, insanity. I would never willing leave my husband. Period. End of story. Not going to happen.

      I'm getting better with dealing with the thoughts of running and am hoping getting it out lets me move past it.

      Delete
    2. It is funny, isn't it? All the plans, the imaginary modes of transportation, for me, plane tickets and jobs lined up in my head, thinking about child care.

      When I could never be apart from him by choice, and he never wanted me to. We're part of each other.

      Yeah, insanity pretty much covers it. Thankfully for all of us, it's fleeting.

      Delete
  12. I think that, as we begin exploring D/s deeper, what they say begins to carry far more weight and meaning than it did in the past. It's one of those things that just kind of happens...And it takes time for them to realize how so little can mean so much to us.
    My husband could say something to me now that I would have tossed my head at years ago, but will leave me a mess now, and it took a while for him to realize what a huge impact his comments can have.

    You have a lovely marriage. And it's always hard when we find ourselves on the roller coaster.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. lil, you hit the nail squarely on the head with that one. The comments made were things I too would have previously tossed my head at, or even laughed at. That just isn't my reaction anymore and I guess it is going to take some time for both of us to adjust.

      I'd like to get off the roller coaster now, I really just want the gentle ups and down of the merry-go-round. I want to ride the pretty pony with the purple ribbons and the gold saddle ")

      Delete
  13. Oh, darlin, I just want to hug you. Bless your heart.
    Know this, running solves nothing, because the pain is inside you, and you can't escape that, however far you run.
    As Mr No Name says, you ARE sensitive, and you can no more turn that off than stop being female. It is part of who you are, and part of why he loves you. I think he says that because he feels bad that he hurt you, and is more trying to convince himself than you, that it isn't his fault, to ease his guilt. Inside himself, he KNOWS you are vulnerable, and why, and he wants to be your protector, so when he is the one to hurt you, he hurts too...and tries to hide that by pushing the blame on to your sensitive nature rather than his INsensitive behaviour; it is a natural reaction, to be defensive when accused!

    He quite clearly DOES love you, and you love him. SO you guys need to sort this issue out.
    As has often been advised by bloggers to those of us who can't get our feelings out verbally, write to him...or show him this post.
    I often think it is better to do this, because that way, you can spend as much time as you need, getting it exactly right, before he reads it, whereas sometimes words come out wrong, and cannot be retracted. It also means, he can read it and re read it, till he understands...and if he forgets, can look at it again!

    I am the opposite to you. When Davey inadvertently says something offhand or hurtful, (yes, it HAS happened, mainly due to American and English "humour" not always matching up!) I don't withdraw, I stand my ground and FIGHT! Verbally of course, but by the time I have finished he is usually very apologetic...! I know this doesn't sound much like a DD relationship, but in our way it still is. We are equal, which means my feelings and opinions are as valid as his...and boy, do I voice them! Sometimes I earn a spanking -not for voicing my opinions, but for the WAY I voice them, but it all ends up sorted and clear in the end!!

    Don't know if it helps, but I read somewhere that if you voice it a certain way, it apparently is accepted easier, because it feels less accusing... for example, instead of saying YOU hurt me when you do that... it's better to say, when I hear things like that, I feel hurt and upset...

    I will be thinking of you and praying you manage effective communication one way or the other, to resolve these upsets. xxxxxxxxxxxxxx

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Daisy, so much wisdom in your comment. Musicman does read here and it does help us work things out. Running was never a real option for me, just a poor way of coping with the situation.

      When Musicman and I were first together we worked alot on our communication. We did make the effort to phrase things in a more productive and less accusing way, guess I could use a refresher course. Thanks for the reminder :)

      I haven't been able to access your comments recently, so let me take this chance to say Hi. I continue to send lots of positive energy to you and Davey as you work on being together.

      Delete
  14. Just sending Encouragement your way. Take care.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Aww! Thanks SNP, it's appreciated :)

      Delete
  15. Faerie, I think others have given wonderful words. I am sorry to hear you're feeling this way, it can't be easy. I completely understand where you're coming from, with the communication. Sometimes I feel the same. He once explained, he doesn't feel dominant when he shares deep emotions or thoughts. I get that, but I don't think it's an excuse. I think it's important for them to struggle to communicate, if need be. And sometimes it'd be nice if we could just squeeze it out of them! Speaking of squeezing, lots and lots of hugs to you. I hope things start to look up.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Riley,

      There is a lot of wisdom in this community isn't there? The suppport is awesome too :)

      I have to say that from your writing Cael reminds me some of Musicman, just younger, lol. The strong silent type is sexy but frustrating at times.

      I've learned over the years with Musicman that his primary form of communication is not verbal. He is however a very tactile man. He is always touching me, some might even say groping me. I tease him that living with him is like living with an octopus. I can't walk near him without getting grabbed. It is something that took me awhile to get used too, now I love it. The down side to that is sometimes he just needs to use his words, it's something that we still have to work on.

      Delete