Do You Have One?

Safe word that is?   We don't, yet.

I did bring it up once, a few months ago. The conversation didn't really ever get started. Musicman started quoting a line from a movie about safe words that made me laugh. That distracted me and I didn't pursue it further.  There are two reasons why I haven't pursued it.

The first is, I don't think I need it because I trust him implicitly. I do however wonder if it wouldn't benefit him to know I have one and will use it if needed. I can see where it might make some things easier for him if he knew that. That brings me to the second reason why I haven't pursued it.

Musicman has no reason to believe I would be able to use it.

Remember those barriers I talked about in my last post?  Remember I said that Musicman has always respected them and never pushed too hard at them? That doesn't mean he hasn't pushed at all, he has. In a very gentle, non threatening(read non dominant) way.  That technique has been successful in getting me past some of the barriers, but not the big ones.

One of the biggest barriers I have had involves speech during intimate times. Not only can I not say anything, but for a long time I didn't want him to talk either. Yeah, not so good. Musicman may not necessarilly like to talk about emotions and stuff, but during sex he turns into a chatty cathy. Not only does he like to talk, but he wants me to also. Yikes!!!! No, no, no, I don't think so.

The content of what he might say didn't seem to matter much either. I didn't want to hear any of it. Over the years when he would start to talk I have told him he talks too much, I've told him he asks too many questions. I've distracted him by shoving body parts in his face. I've visibly cringed and stared at him with a deer in the headlights look. He never has stopped talking, just scaled it back to a point that I could handle better.

This has been my biggest disappointment with myself. We have talked about it over the years outside the bedroom. I understand what it means to him. I understand where this issue springs from, and yet, I still can't do it.

I have gotten to a point that I really, really like it when he talks. I want so badly to do that for him, but I can't. I have tried so hard at times that I have ended up in tears of frustration. It is almost like the connection between my brain and my vocal cords is broken. No matter how much I try, how much I want to do it, nothing comes out. SO FRUSTRATING.

I have been able on the rare occasion during intense moments of pleasure to get out a whispered word. I doubt if it has ever even been loud enough for him to hear. During less intense moments when I can actually get the brain to put some words together in a cohesive way, I open my mouth, and nothing comes out. I haven't even been able to broach the subject of him helping me with this.

Since I couldn't seem to talk about it, I did the next best thing. I sent him an email. I emailed him a blog post of some conversation that I really liked. I hoped it would help him realize where I was trying to get to. As usual, I forgot to tell him I sent the email. I have no idea if he found it or not. If he didn't find it, based on what happened on Saturday, I didn't need to send it.