Monday, April 16, 2012

Do You Have One?

Safe word that is?   We don't, yet.

I did bring it up once, a few months ago. The conversation didn't really ever get started. Musicman started quoting a line from a movie about safe words that made me laugh. That distracted me and I didn't pursue it further.  There are two reasons why I haven't pursued it.

The first is, I don't think I need it because I trust him implicitly. I do however wonder if it wouldn't benefit him to know I have one and will use it if needed. I can see where it might make some things easier for him if he knew that. That brings me to the second reason why I haven't pursued it.

Musicman has no reason to believe I would be able to use it.

Remember those barriers I talked about in my last post?  Remember I said that Musicman has always respected them and never pushed too hard at them? That doesn't mean he hasn't pushed at all, he has. In a very gentle, non threatening(read non dominant) way.  That technique has been successful in getting me past some of the barriers, but not the big ones.

One of the biggest barriers I have had involves speech during intimate times. Not only can I not say anything, but for a long time I didn't want him to talk either. Yeah, not so good. Musicman may not necessarilly like to talk about emotions and stuff, but during sex he turns into a chatty cathy. Not only does he like to talk, but he wants me to also. Yikes!!!! No, no, no, I don't think so.

The content of what he might say didn't seem to matter much either. I didn't want to hear any of it. Over the years when he would start to talk I have told him he talks too much, I've told him he asks too many questions. I've distracted him by shoving body parts in his face. I've visibly cringed and stared at him with a deer in the headlights look. He never has stopped talking, just scaled it back to a point that I could handle better.

This has been my biggest disappointment with myself. We have talked about it over the years outside the bedroom. I understand what it means to him. I understand where this issue springs from, and yet, I still can't do it.

I have gotten to a point that I really, really like it when he talks. I want so badly to do that for him, but I can't. I have tried so hard at times that I have ended up in tears of frustration. It is almost like the connection between my brain and my vocal cords is broken. No matter how much I try, how much I want to do it, nothing comes out. SO FRUSTRATING.

I have been able on the rare occasion during intense moments of pleasure to get out a whispered word. I doubt if it has ever even been loud enough for him to hear. During less intense moments when I can actually get the brain to put some words together in a cohesive way, I open my mouth, and nothing comes out. I haven't even been able to broach the subject of him helping me with this.

Since I couldn't seem to talk about it, I did the next best thing. I sent him an email. I emailed him a blog post of some conversation that I really liked. I hoped it would help him realize where I was trying to get to. As usual, I forgot to tell him I sent the email. I have no idea if he found it or not. If he didn't find it, based on what happened on Saturday, I didn't need to send it.




40 comments:

  1. How about armageddon: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3_Jt_g10Jug

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    1. OMG, ROFLMAO, Haahaahaa.

      Armegeddon might be too long of a word. Gerbil might work though, LOL.

      I'm still laughing about the link!!!!

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  2. I have never thought about that - I never speak when we make love either. To me it's just not a time for conversation. Nick doesn't talk much I don't guess, or maybe I just don't listen.

    You know how many words I have, I could write from now 'till doomsday, but somethings I'll never be able to talk about. Actual dd is one of them. Guess I'll stick to the keyboard.

    Hugs,
    PK

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    1. I'm getting a pic in my head of me, Musicman and my computer during playtime, lol.

      You guys must be in sync with your interest in this area or it would probably be an issue for you. Thanks to Musicman, I have gotten much much better, and I see improvement coming :)

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  3. Safe words are a must for us. We play too hard to do without them. It isn't about trust. I trust him with my life or we wouldn't do some of the things we do. We use the standard stop light. Red is all stop. Yellow, something isn't quite right. Change what you are doing just a big and Green is good. We added Blue for medical issues. Non erotic pain or an asthma attack. It works for us.

    Dragon is excellent at reading me but it can be hard at times. The mask I put on when something is hard for me can be hard to crack. Whether we are playing with knives, fire, rope or simply making love the words add a safety net for me. And yes we talk. It is essential to communicate with the edge play we so very much love.

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    1. I would say Musicman is excellent at reading me too, but as we venture into new territory things can be unpredictable.

      Thanks for sharing your perspective. I like the blue for medical issues alot. We aren't exactly spring chickens anymore, lol.

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  4. Words - my mom always told me actions speak louder than words. If I did have a safe word I probably wouldn't remember it- not that i would ever need it.

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    1. My mom always told me that too, and I put a lot of store in it. I just find that sometimes words can be helpful.

      Honestly, I don't know if we will have one or not, guess I should ask Musicman, lol.

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  5. Yes, I have a safe word. We decided it was a good cautionary measure when we first started experimenting with D/s. I just picked a word that wouldn't normally be said in such a context. If I say it, everything stops. Well, that's how it's supposed to work anyway. I've never actually had to use it. Michael will ask me if I remember my safe word before we begin. I'll tell it to him and he'll remind me that he expects me to use it if the need arises.

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    1. Cautionary can be good, too cautionary not so good. A safeword might help with that.

      I like the way he reinforces the use of it for you at the beginning. It seems like it would be comforting and reassuring. Thanks for the info :)

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  6. I have a safe word, but honestly it's more for him than me, and the one time I should have used it I was too far gone, enjoying myself too much, and I couldn't.

    Also for me, submission and talking don't go that well together. My brain floats to a space where I can comprehend, obey, and respond with grunts and other things when HE talks, which you know we've worked hard to get to the point where he does a lot... but me, I don't speak very articulately. I make a lot of repetitive exclamations that are technically words, but.. not real talking.

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    1. Really I think it would be more for him than for me too. A way to make sure I am safe and still give me what I want, or what he wants :)

      I know that floaty brain space, that's when I have the best chance of actually getting something out. Unfortunately it is usually incoherent babble and begging.

      Does this sound familiar? Pleasepleasepleasepleaseplease, LOL. That's me during a particularly good verbal encounter.

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    2. Pleasepleaseplease, and ohgodohgodohgodohMYGGOD, yeah, those. :) Sometimes he forces whole sentences out of me "Please what, love?" But mostly not.

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    3. Yeah, I know that one, lol. Whole sentences? Is that possible? If I ever achieve that I will let you know :)

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  7. I am one of those people who advocates safe words but doesn't have one. I had one in the beginning--mostly so that he could let go and I could scream "no" to my hearts content and he wouldn't have to second guess himself.

    It is quite possible to play hard without them, though probably wise to have one lol.

    Personally, I think that they can be a double edged sword--if you have one, you don't always use it when perhaps you should and he is thinking things are okay because you haven't said it. If you don't have one...Well, there's really no out besides his realization or something really bad happening.

    Safe words are an individual choice. But I always like to speak on the side of having one. Just because it seems like the responsible thing to do.

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    1. It's him second guessing himself I would like to eliminate. Can't be much fun for him.

      I definitely get the double edged sword part, no sense having one if I can't use it if needed. Though I really can't imagine ever needing it. I suppose it would be the things I can't imagine that would trip me up, lol.

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  8. We do have a safe word. I felt like I needed to give it to my husband, so he would not be afraid. He has gradually become less afraid, but still stops soon after I complain that "it hurts". He just really doesn't want to hurt me. He knows how much stronger he is. I like that he doesn't find enjoyment from punishing me. HOWEVER... Punishment spankings don't do much good if your HOH stops as soon as you fuss a little. Anyway I have reminded him a few times that I do have a safe word. His response is "Oh yeah, what is it again?". I chose "UNCLE", because as kids, that's what you would have to cry when you were retreating from a tussel (waving the white flag). I figured he would realize what it was for, even if he didn't remember the word.
    As far as the talking.. I have been married for 33 years, so you sort of figure out what each other likes by then. I know my husband doesn't want me to carry on a conversation with him, because in reality, they like to think they have us to "a point" where we couldn't think straight enough for conversation.(or they wouldn't be very good). I do think he likes a little feedback, to let him know "it's all good". Sometimes it can be a moan, a word, a phrase, but not paragraphs (LOL). Well, that's my 2 cents... God Bless You and Yours, Belle L.

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    1. Musicman really doesn't want to hurt me either, that's why I think we might benefit from having one. Some peace of mind for him so to speak.

      We have been together for 25+ years, he doesn't want a conversation, and while I am not verbal, I am vocal so he knows when it's all good. He would just like more verbal interaction then I have been able to give up till now. It's a barrier I'm ready to break, with his help :)

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  9. I have a safe word....i got it the first time I met Master about 10 years ago....have never used it. think He would faint if He heard it...LOL...abby

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    1. LOL abby, that's funny. Though in the moment, if it happened, maybe not so much :) Thanks for the input, you and your Master are inspiring.

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  10. We don't have one, because he is exceptional at reading me. I wouldn't use it anyway. But if I were to call out yellow or red, I know that he would honor it.

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    1. Hi June, Thanks for the input, it sounds like more of an informal safe word setup. Something I hadn't thought about, definitely worth considering though :)

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  11. We have one, but I only used it once, and it was clear I meant it as a joke. He gave me the safe word a couple years prior to the day I used it. He was ticking me to DEATH. I was a squirmy, laughy, gaspy, teary mess when I squealed, "PINEAPPLE!" We both cracked up. I wouldn't make a habit of using it as a joke, wouldn't want to be the boy who cried wolf, but in that context it was fitting. Haven't used it since.

    And I hear ya on the talking during sex. I am not a verbal person (don't fall over, I know I seem wordy based on my blog, but really, I'm a girl of few words in person). Anyway...he always wants me to talk about my fantasies and this kinky girl just can't do it! Like you, my first step was to write it.

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    1. Oh, No, Tickling is definitely NOT ALLOWED!!!!!
      I really hate to be tickled, ever, for any reason, by anyone.

      Good for you for taking the first step. I've been crawling towards the first step for years.

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  12. I don't have a safeword, but I don't do serious, injurious, hardcore pain play, either.

    Or... I dunno. Maybe I do, but Daddy isn't a huge sadist. Only a minor sadist.

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    1. A minor sadist? LOL, I like that.

      We are very new at any kind of pain play and D/s in general. Still very much in the baby steps stages, lol.

      Welcome and thanks for the comment :)

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  13. I don't talk easily either, though I haven't thought too much about why.

    We don't have a safe word. I suppose our ttwd never gets so intense that I'd need it but there have been a few times when I've sincerely asked him to stop because something other than my backside hurt. He did immediately, so I feel safe knowing that he is listening and paying attention.

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    1. I have waaay too many issues, lol.

      That is one of the positives about exploring this lifestyle(hate that term BTW), the issues are dropping like flies by the wayside :)

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  14. Hi Faerie,

    I can go you one better. I have both a safe word and veto power. Both have a verbal and a non-verbal cue, if I am gagged or something - I'll be happy to give you that contract wording if you are interested. Safe words are not just for too much, they are also when something just plain isn't working. I have never used mine.

    If I use the safe word, H has to assess the activity and decide whether or not to stop - I guess it is more like the yellow talked about above. If I use the veto power, and I can use it in advance of a scene if H decides to discuss what he wanted to do (also, he HAS to tell me if he is thinking about bring others in prior to doing so), then he has to stop all things right away and move me to a completely different situation. No ill will can be held for the use of either.

    All this protection for me in the contract does help me feel safer and more trusting - but still, I never used either. And I should have one time - I wrote a post about it. (http://thesubmissivewife.blogspot.com/2012/03/safe-word.html)

    Like a commenter above, if I say something hurts he usually stops, so I am learning not to say that. :)

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    1. I'm so glad you commented and I'm not surprised you did me one better :)

      As you know I read your recent post about the new contract and am very intrigued by it. I never would have thought about veto power, probably because I can't imagine ever saying no to playtime with Musicman.

      I'm going to have to check out the post you linked to in your comment, this whole contract thing seems to have caught my fascination at the moment.

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  15. We don't really have a safe word either. But we both are aware of the red, yellow and green light meanings. I think that I have only used the yellow light before. It was not working and he just changed the direction of what he was doing. I am not a talker but he will ask me sometimes if I am doing okay, I usually just nod my head. I didn't want my husband to worry that I don't trust him, so I never pursued a safe word. He was the one who suggested the stop light one time and it just kind of stuck.

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    1. Thanks Blondie,

      I do trust him, that's not the issue at all. It just seems like it might be easier for him to have the input from me. Something other then breathless gasping that is, lol.

      I like the stop light idea, especially yellow as more of an indication for redirection. I hadn't thought of that. Thanks for the comment :)

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  16. Dragon makes sure I will use my safe word. Once or twice a year he really pushes limits. Pushes me past my limit to force me to use Red. If I let it go too far the fist time before screaming red, he does it all over again. It is a safety net for both of us. He has to know I will use it.

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    1. Being able to actually use one if needed is something I am concerned about. As I said, talking is not a strong point of mine.

      Safety nets are great, if you remember to use them.

      Thanks for the input DR, you, and everyone else have given me some things to think about :)

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  17. I know how you feel, you want to please, but there is just a barrier there that keeps you from doing what would please him. I don't know if I'll ever be everything Dave wants me to be, or I'd like to be, all I can do is keep working at it.
    We use green, yellow, red. Dave reads me well and I've not had to use them, but he will pause sometimes just to ask me where we are. I need to answer him what color. I think this is more for his peace of mind. He needs to make sure I'm safe, even with him.

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    1. I am very sensitive about some of my barriers. I try not to be resentful of what caused them and instead use the energy to work past them. I have come a long way with this one and think it will improve.

      My safety is paramount for Musicman too. I would like him to be able to have some peace of mind when it comes to that, otherwise it doesn't seem like it would be much fun for him. I definitely want him to have fun too :)

      Thanks for joining the conversation, it has been very informative.

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  18. faerie,

    I don't have a safeword. I'm like you with Musicman. I know Daddy would never hurt me and I trust him implicitly. For us, it's just not necessary.

    Love,
    Kitty

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    1. Kitty, for me, the trust I have in Musicman has a lot to do with me even recognizing and pursuing this part of myself.

      I never intended us exploring this to crash through so many barriers, but it is. That is a very good thing, but it can be worrisome for him. I don't want that :)

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  19. We do have a safeword but I have never used it. I have been told "I am going to make you use your safeword today" but I have not yet been pushed that far. I think when I am told I am going to use it just makes me more determined not to use which may be Masters goal in the first place.....

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    1. Hi DB, thanks for your perspective. I wonder though is he really trying to get you to not use it, or is he trying to assure himself that you will use it if needed? That has been my concern, what if I have one but don't use it if needed.

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