I have had a bit of writer's block going on. I have things I want to write about, but haven't been able to find a good starting place. So, I guess I'm just gonna dive in and see where it goes, possibly no where.
One of the things we have been having a bit of an issue with is intensity. I want more and he doesn't want to hurt me. I get that he doesn't want to hurt me, I also understand that he doesn't just mean physically. This has been a huge issue for us ALWAYS.
There was a time very early on in our relationship that I had problems with flashbacks to the trauma that occurred in my childhood. I don't know exactly how Musicman knew what to do when they happened, but he always did. He always helped me get throught them and with time they slowed, then stopped.
I had a lot of limits in those day. Things I couldn't or wouldn't do. Things that made me unconfortable, things I feared would trigger another flashback. Musicman has always been respectful of those boundaries and careful about pushing too hard at them.
Those boundaries, while necessary, always pissed me off. I wanted to be able to do what he wanted, give him what he wanted. I wanted to make him happy and I really regretted those stupid boundaries that held me back. We have built these boundaries around my very scarred and scared inner child to protect both her and me. We have done a great job at not triggering her, but she is always there. I never really know when she is going to start whispering painful memories to me.
When things don't work as well as we would like, as they have a few times, we both wondered if we were pushing the boundaries too much. I admit, I didn't want to face that possibility. I didn't want to look at the chubby, curly haired little girl with the haunted eyes. I didn't want to hear anymore of her memories. I don't want to be held back by her anymore.
I tried ignoring her, that never works. I thought about running as that did work, once. The reality of that is I'm not going anywhere. Musicman is my life and I would never willingly give him up. That only leaves one other avenue, listen to her and deal with whatever new horror she neads to share.
I screwed up my courage and I faced her, ready to hear whatever she needed to get out. What I discovered surprised me. She hasn't been triggered, she has nothing to tell me. In fact, for the first time ever, she is very content and quiet all tucked up in the arms of an angel, just resting.
This led me to a pretty amazing realization. This part of myself that comes out when I feel his dominance, it's not her. It's someone else, someone who isn't trying to escape the taint of abuse on her. Someone who doesn't need those boundaries to protect her.
I also realized that when things don't go as well as we would like, it's not because Musicman pushed too hard. It's because he hasn't pushed hard enough. She's there, waiting, she wants to come out and play, but it takes alot to make that happen. She is shy and insecure and needs the dominance, needs his strength and control and then she will come out. Sometimes, when it isn't quite enough, she peeks, but she won't come out. That's when I try to chase her, cause I really like her and want her to come out. The problem with chasing her is that scares her and she disappears before I can catch her.
I never thought I would find the part of myself that didn't need those abuse induced boundaries to feel safe. I hoped I would, but I never really believed it would happen. It did happen, I found her, the part of myself that is truly free. She is not my inner child, but she needs a name, she deserves a name. It seems so obvious now. She's faerie.