Sunday, April 15, 2012

Busting Through Boundaries

I have had a bit of writer's block going on. I have things I want to write about, but haven't been able to find a good starting place. So, I guess I'm just gonna dive in and see where it goes, possibly no where.

One of the things we have been having a bit of an issue with is intensity. I want more and he doesn't want to hurt me. I get that he doesn't want to hurt me, I also understand that he doesn't just mean physically. This has been a huge issue for us ALWAYS.

There was a time very early on in our relationship that I had problems with flashbacks to the trauma that occurred in my childhood. I don't know exactly how Musicman knew what to do when they happened, but he always did. He always helped me get throught them and with time they slowed, then stopped.

I had a lot of limits in those day. Things I couldn't or wouldn't do. Things that made me unconfortable, things I feared would trigger another flashback. Musicman has always been respectful of those boundaries and careful about pushing too hard at them.

Those boundaries, while necessary, always pissed me off. I wanted to be able to do what he wanted, give him what he wanted. I wanted to make him happy and I really regretted those stupid boundaries that held me back. We have built these boundaries around my very scarred and scared inner child to protect both her and me. We have done a great job at not triggering her, but she is always there. I never really know when she is going to start whispering painful memories to me.

When things don't work as well as we would like, as they have a few times, we both wondered if we were pushing the boundaries too much. I admit, I didn't want to face that possibility. I didn't want to look at the chubby, curly haired little girl with the haunted eyes. I didn't want to hear anymore of her memories. I don't want to be held back by her anymore.

I tried ignoring her, that never works. I thought about running as that did work, once. The reality of that is I'm not going anywhere. Musicman is my life and I would never willingly give him up. That only leaves one other avenue, listen to her and deal with whatever new horror she neads to share.

I screwed up my courage and I faced her, ready to hear whatever she needed to get out. What I discovered surprised me. She hasn't been triggered, she has nothing to tell me. In fact, for the first time ever, she is very content and quiet all tucked up in the arms of an angel, just resting.

This led me to a pretty amazing realization. This part of myself that comes out when I feel his dominance, it's not her. It's someone else, someone who isn't trying to escape the taint of abuse on her. Someone who doesn't need those boundaries to protect her.

I also realized that when things don't go as well as we would like, it's not because Musicman pushed too hard. It's because he hasn't pushed hard enough. She's there, waiting, she wants to come out and play, but it takes alot to make that happen. She is shy and insecure and needs the dominance, needs his strength and control and then she will come out. Sometimes, when it isn't quite enough, she peeks, but she won't come out. That's when I try to chase her, cause I really like her and want her to come out. The problem with chasing her is that scares her and she disappears before I can catch her.

I never thought I would find the part of myself that didn't need those abuse induced boundaries to feel safe. I hoped I would, but I never really believed it would happen. It did happen, I found her, the part of myself that is truly free. She is not my inner child, but she needs a name, she deserves a name. It seems so obvious now.  She's faerie.



27 comments:

  1. This is so beautiful, it's haunting. I too have some scars from misuse. I love how you explained this. It's given me a lot to think about.

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    1. I'm so sorry someone hurt you. It helped me to write it, if it helps you some that is an unexpected but welcome bonus :)

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  2. She sounds like a delightful person, I really hope you and musicman can encourage her to pop out more and more often. The more of you that can be expressed the better for you overall and that will be better for musicman too.

    Hugs,
    PK

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    1. I don't know PK, she may be a little deviant. Or, she may be a lot deviant, lol. I am pretty confident Musicman can handle her though :)

      You are so right about how much better things are when I can express myself here. Sometimes I just get a little stuck, probably overthinking, lol.

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  3. faerie,

    I think this is a truly poignant post, making me really feel for you and wishing you well on life's journey, hoping faerie will come out to play more often! (((Hugs!)))

    Love,
    Kitty

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    1. Thank you Kitty, most of the time I'm surprised where my posts go, often it's not where I think they will. I guess they just always go where they need to go.

      I think faerie will come out to play more now. I think she likes Musicman even more than I do if that's possible, lol.

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  4. This made me cry, It explains beautifully the things that I have never been able to. I am 'out' to two 'nilla friends. One understands completely. The other, she wants very much to dislike Ward. I tell her the sweet things that he does, and she thrills, and I know it amazes her because she sees him as the bad man.

    She always says how could you have lived the things you lived, how could you have survived what you did and allow him to do those things to you? How can you let him beat you? How can you explain, he doesn't beat me, he guides me, including discipline when necessary. Including reassurance which I need, a lot. How do you explain that it makes you feel safe and secure and very loved and treasured? Daddy says some people are just not meant to understand.

    She never came out before. She was too afraid, but he draws her out, he makes her free. And she revels in his presence.

    Thank you for sharing this. {{{faerie}}}

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    1. Thank you June, I didn't mean to make you cry. Maybe they were cleansing tears?

      You are obviously much ahead of me, other then Musicman and the people directly responsible for the abuse, no one in my real life knows.

      I agree that some people just aren't meant to understand, unfortunately, those are the same people that probably should keep their opinions to themselves sometimes.

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    2. You're very welcome, faerie, yes, cleansing tears, the tears that comes when someone understands & you know you're not alone.

      I weighed it. She kept asking where I had met Ward,she wanted to find a partner like that. I told her an internet site. Which one? Ummm you wouldn't know it, and I'd change the subject. Finally I thought, ok...what site I've been signing up to all these sites & not finding anyone like that....ummmmm fetlife, we're in a D/s relationship. WHAT???

      Now she is set on hating him, but at least I don't have to watch what I say around her. But honestly you can feel the "Church Lady" (remember Dana Carvey's character on SNL?...mmmmhmmmm) come out in her tone.

      Both of the friends I referred to were abused as well. It's really funny to see the different ways to process trauma between the 3 of us.

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    3. LOL at the Church Lady. It is a shame that she can't look past her preconceived notions and accept the truth. You must be much more tolerant than I am, I doubt I would be able to maintain a friendship like that :)

      Knowing the stats of 1 in 4 girls having experienced abuse, I sometimes look around at the women I know and wonder if they are one of the 1 in 4. In some cases it would explain a lot.

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  5. What an epiphany. Clarity like a bolt of lightening. How wonderful. I bet you will see a lot more of her now.

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    1. It really has been just like that. As I said, I hoped to get there someday, but I never really believed.

      Amazing what the love of a good man can do :) I think she will come out more now, in fact, I'm not sure I can hold her back, nor do I really want too.

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  6. Of course she's faerie!

    I love this.

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    1. Well geez, ya coulda clued me in, lol.

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  7. Praying for your continued healing and freedom! Bless you both. xxxxxxxxxx

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    1. Thanks Daisy, the same to you and Davey as you continue to pursue being together. I sooooo hope it works for you both this time :)

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  8. What an interesting crossroads you describe - and after years of coming down one road, it sounds like you are ready to turn right (or left) and go to the next. I can't wait to see how this unfolds!

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    1. Interesting way you put that, it does feel very much like a cross roads. I'm looking forward to seeing where it goes too cause I have no idea. I do however feel like I am going in the right direction, so that's good :)

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  9. Faerie, I'm SO happy for you! I feel like we should celebrate! What a hard and heartbreaking journey you've been on, but how wonderful that you find yourself where you are now. I'm doing a happy dance in your honor! :)

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    1. I felt like celebrating too, so I did dance today, while I was cleaning.

      The weather is warm and I had the front door open. The man who came to read the gas meter caught me dancing, all by myself, lol. The expression on his face when I looked up at his knock absolutely cracked me up. I hadn't heard him come up on the porch because I had the stereo LOUD. I probably would have blushed, but he had that covered more than adequately for both of us. Heeheehee.

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  10. It is hard work to work through issues. You are doing the work, and looks like getting the benefits...good for you. May you continue to discover and heal...hugs abby

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    1. Thank you abby, I truly have gotten to a place I never thought would be possible, and, not one I even considered much when I first started on this road. Just more proof for me that I should listen to my gut more often.

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  11. What a beautiful post. Amazing the things that can happen when we quit avoiding, isn't it? I'm so happy for you!

    And beautifully said. Thank you for sharing this, faerie. :-)

    hugs,

    aisha

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    1. Thank you aisha. I'm usually surprised when I finish a post and re-read to proof prior to posting what I have actually written. It is often very different from what I thought I would write.

      I'm still kind of stunned where this one took me, but it's a happy stunned :)

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  12. This made me all emotional...then it made me smile.

    Still smiling! Not sure what the right words are but keep growing faerie.

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    1. Your words are perfect! Emotions are Good!!!!
      Smiling is even better!!!!

      Check out what I told Grace about the gas meter reader catching me dancing, that should make you laugh. It did me, and I'm still laughing. Poor kid, not much more then early 20's, blushing all the way to his roots, lol.

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