Tuesday, February 14, 2012

Submissive Mindset

I've been thinking a lot about that switch, the one in my head that flips on the submissive mindset when we play.

First I wondered has it always been there? Did I suppress it? I am not the kind of person that suppresses things, I'm pretty open and out there. I don't embarrass easily and will talk about anything with anyone, much to their discomfort sometimes. Just call me the queen of TMI, lol.

My conclusion is it has always been there, but I don't think I was suppressing anything. I think it has always been there, it just wasn't very mature yet. I think some of the things I went through growing up stunted its growth.

I know for sure that when I first met Musicman he was more dominant then he is now. Some of that is just him mellowing with age, but some of it was him reacting to me and what I needed at the time. I believe I have done the hard work to heal from the nightmare of my childhood, but I could not have done it without him. He has given me all the love and security I needed to heal and as the healing occurred it sparked the growth of that funny little sub switch. If I didn't trust him totally I don't think it would have ever showed up.

I also know that I have always been interested in reading about D/s relationships and spanking, and while I always found them titillating I never thought much about wanting to actually do it.

Surprise, now I not only want it, I'm a little afraid I need it.

It is a wonderful feeling when the switch gets flipped on, such a peaceful mindset. I'd like it to stay forever, but it doesn't. It fades away. That would be okay except that when it's gone, I start the free fall into the dark places in my head.

I get stuck in those dark places and the voices in my head get louder and louder and louder. They are not nice voices. These are the voices that tell me I'm being foolish, that I shouldn't want this, that I don't need this. They try to convince me that I can separate myself emotionally from it all, that we can have all kinds of fun together in the bedroom and it shouldn't affect me outside of it.

Yes, I hear you all laughing at me. I have never been able to remove emotion from the equation, I am a female after all.  Maybe there are some women that can separate emotion from everything, but I'm not one of them. So why I thought I could do it now is beyond me, denial maybe.

I have to work on remembering that this feeling is very new for me and I need to take the time to let myself adjust. I also need to remember that I'm not in this relationship alone and that it is a big adjustment for Musicman too. It would most likely be easier for him to adjust if I was better able to talk about these things, but it's hard to talk about things you don't understand,especially when the voices are screaming in my head.

If I could just figure out how to flip that switch myself I wouldn't feel so needy or like I'm a burden to him. If that is possible I haven't figured it out yet.

Happy Valentines Day.



26 comments:

  1. Happy Valentine's day faerie. Your posts often mirror what I am feeling inside, I think we have a lot in common. You took a big step recently in asking Musicman to read your blog so you are heading in the right direction. I can understand the fear of feeling you need it....this is all new to me and I am already there.

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    1. Dancingbarez, kind of scary how quickly it becomes a need, huh?

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  2. Ahh, nothing quite as scary as need is there?
    Happy Valentines Day.

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    1. Yeah, and I don't really do scary, lol.

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  3. I'm quite sure MM does not consider you a burden. As far as need, we all need - we just don't all need the same thing. Thanks heavens, how boring would that be. Go with it. Flip the switch into whatever position you need and then blow it away with love.

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    1. Thank you for the words of wisdom my friend :)

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  4. Oh Faerie, I'm quite sure by now you already know that I can relate to this post. I'm working on getting rid of those little voices, but I'm afraid it's going to be a bit of a process rather than just being able to evict them and have them be gone. I hope you and Musicman have a wonderful Valentine's Day! :)

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    1. Thank you Grace, isn't it funny how we all seem to go through the same things? We read, we support and yet no matter how prepared we try to be we all still question and struggle at times.

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  5. I am CERTAIN Musicman does not consider you a burden. He obviously loves you dearly, and when you love so completely, nothing you do for the one you love is a burden.
    I am sure he loves being able to "flip your switch!"
    xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

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    1. Aww... Thanks Daisy. I know you are right, would you like to have a talk with my hormones, they don't listen to me, lol.

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  6. Spanking flips my switch! I could live without it but I'm much happier when I get my backside warmed two or three times a week. And is it really a burden for a man to spank his naked wife? Probably not.

    Happy Valentines day!

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  7. Oh sweet lady! First... Queen of TMI... I love that!!! ROFL!!!

    So many of us get what you are saying... we could have written this post!

    Now I've never met either of you but I can't believe for a minute that MM would think of you as a burden for even a second!!

    Happy Valentines Day!! ((hugs))

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    1. Mikki, I'm so glad I could make you laugh, usually I just get weird looks, lol.

      I'm sure you're right about Musicman. I need to stop visiting the dark places, lol.

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  8. Thanks for sharing and your honestly with your readers, faerie!

    Love,
    Kitty

    P.S. Happy Valentine's Day to you and Musicman!

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    1. Thanks Kitty, it's nice to know I'm not alone, makes me feel a little less crazy, lol.

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  9. I have that "I'm a burden" thought so often, too - but really... I think we should stop it.

    The Sandwich Means "I love you": A Valentine

    The spanking means "I love you." :)

    Happy Valentine's day!

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    1. Love the link, thanks. I think we should stop too, if only it were that easy, lol.

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  10. I surely don't know how to flip the switch and I wish I could bottle up the submissive and contented feelings so that when those moments of self-doubt come, I could have some in reserve.

    You have a need but no you are not needy or a burden. Not one tiny bit!

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    1. I suggested something similar to Musicman. Only I said was gonna sell it and I worded it very badly and it came out sounding like I wanted to pimp him out, lol. I cleared up that misconception as soon as he pointed it out to me.

      The lesson I learned there was: Don't talk when your still in subspace. LOL.

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  11. I hope you both had a lovely valentines day.

    Dee x

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  12. It was wonderful thank you. So sorry to here yours was less then wonderful. Maybe you can make up for it soon :)

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  13. Oh never think you are a burden to him. And he probably doesn't have any problem flipping that switch for you. Good luck in your journey.

    FD

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  14. He does seem to like that switch, lol.

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  15. I so understand this post cause I find myself feeling the exact same way. Hugs

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  16. I was both surprised and comforted to know so many others feel this too. Somehow I feel a little less crazy now, lol.

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