I've been thinking a lot about that switch, the one in my head that flips on the submissive mindset when we play.
First I wondered has it always been there? Did I suppress it? I am not the kind of person that suppresses things, I'm pretty open and out there. I don't embarrass easily and will talk about anything with anyone, much to their discomfort sometimes. Just call me the queen of TMI, lol.
My conclusion is it has always been there, but I don't think I was suppressing anything. I think it has always been there, it just wasn't very mature yet. I think some of the things I went through growing up stunted its growth.
I know for sure that when I first met Musicman he was more dominant then he is now. Some of that is just him mellowing with age, but some of it was him reacting to me and what I needed at the time. I believe I have done the hard work to heal from the nightmare of my childhood, but I could not have done it without him. He has given me all the love and security I needed to heal and as the healing occurred it sparked the growth of that funny little sub switch. If I didn't trust him totally I don't think it would have ever showed up.
I also know that I have always been interested in reading about D/s relationships and spanking, and while I always found them titillating I never thought much about wanting to actually do it.
Surprise, now I not only want it, I'm a little afraid I need it.
It is a wonderful feeling when the switch gets flipped on, such a peaceful mindset. I'd like it to stay forever, but it doesn't. It fades away. That would be okay except that when it's gone, I start the free fall into the dark places in my head.
I get stuck in those dark places and the voices in my head get louder and louder and louder. They are not nice voices. These are the voices that tell me I'm being foolish, that I shouldn't want this, that I don't need this. They try to convince me that I can separate myself emotionally from it all, that we can have all kinds of fun together in the bedroom and it shouldn't affect me outside of it.
Yes, I hear you all laughing at me. I have never been able to remove emotion from the equation, I am a female after all. Maybe there are some women that can separate emotion from everything, but I'm not one of them. So why I thought I could do it now is beyond me, denial maybe.
I have to work on remembering that this feeling is very new for me and I need to take the time to let myself adjust. I also need to remember that I'm not in this relationship alone and that it is a big adjustment for Musicman too. It would most likely be easier for him to adjust if I was better able to talk about these things, but it's hard to talk about things you don't understand,especially when the voices are screaming in my head.
If I could just figure out how to flip that switch myself I wouldn't feel so needy or like I'm a burden to him. If that is possible I haven't figured it out yet.
Happy Valentines Day.