Musicman has noted that I do well for awhile and then I seem to hit a wall. He is right, that is exactly what it feels like. I told him when this happens I can't break through the wall by myself. He says he will break down the wall for me.
I hit the wall, on the surface of things not only did I hit the wall but it feels like he threw me into it. He did not, but that is the way it feels. It would be a lot easier to just go with that feeling and blame him for the way I'm feeling.
It would not be fair of me to take the easy way out this time. He did not throw me against the wall, it is not his fault. I'm not really sure what happened, but I know he didn't do it.
I don't know if my body just didn't keep up with my mind or if I let my mind race ahead and build the wall when I wasn't paying attention. Either way, there it is, a wall I can't get past.
My mind is telling me to ignore it and it will go away. I'm inclined to do just that because quite frankly I'm tired of dealing with it right now. I'm tired of thinking about it and trying to figure it out. I want to hide my head in the sand and not come out until the wall is gone.
Experience tells me this probably won't work too well, it never does. But I can't seem to get motivated enough to even care. I should care, I should try, I should not rely on him to see what's wrong and fix it. I am the one who failed, I should be the one to fix things.
I just plain don't have the energy today to do that. Maybe if I try real hard I can hide it for awhile, just long enough to get through the day without making us both miserable. That's not the best solution I know, but I don't care. Maybe the sun will come out tomorrow and I will care enough to fix it, or maybe it will go away if I ignore it.
That's a lot of maybes to hang my hat on, but it's all I have at the moment.