Wednesday, February 15, 2012

Soul Deep

I have been thinking about why it is that I sometimes feel like I'm a burden to him. He does not think I am, it's just something that pops into my head. It only happens when I am awash in the awful mean hormones.

I think one of the reasons I feel like I'm a burden is because I know I can't control all the negative thoughts that flood my brain during those times. I need him to help me. He is more then willing to help me. He tells me all the time, " I can't fix it if I don't know what's wrong." He is so right about that. During those times though I can't articulate what is wrong, I don't know what is wrong, other then I feel bad.

I have told him that a spanking would help, it would bring me out of my head, chase all the bad thoughts away. He is still hesitant about spanking me when I get like this. When I'm rational I understand why, he sees me hurting, he is good man, his first thought is not to inflict more pain but to offer comfort.

If I understood why I think spanking me at these times helped, then maybe I could explain it in a way he would understand. I think I may have a clue about that.

When these hormones hit, my mind brings back all the things I feel like I have failed at in my life. Things that when the hormones aren't around do not seem like failures to me. I am not able to see things objectively when this happens and the thoughts get darker and darker until I feel worthless. If he is not here to help me pull out of it it gets to the point of actual physical pain.

It is hard to describe, it's not like a particular part of my body is in pain. It is as if my soul is a tangible part of me, deep inside me and that is what hurts. It seems at these times my brain is screaming at me to ask him for a spanking. But, I don't see that happening anytime soon.

My mind needs a release valve, that's what the pain of a spanking would be, a way to release the pain in a controlled way. He needs to be the one in control, cause I'm definitely not capable of controlling anything then. The pain of a spanking would be nothing compared to the pain I am already feeling inside. I need to release the negative energy and let the pain go. But I can't do that by myself anymore than I can flip that lovely little sub switch.

So, that's why I think my brain screams at me during these times, "SPANK ME.". It would bring me out of my brain, back to the sane world, disperse all the negative thoughts into the universe, or least back to the nether regions of my brain where I can ignore them.

I don't know if this will ever happen, if he will ever be comfortable to spank me because I'm overcome with the hormones. It flies in the face of the way he was raised, you don't hurt women, period. It's just not in his DNA, so asking him to inflict pain on the woman he loves is darn near impossible for me. It is also the reason why I trust him to do it. I know he would never intentionally hurt me.

That is the reason I sometimes feel like a burden. It bothers me that I need something that he was raised to believe is wrong. I don't want him to feel like he is going against his own morals just to help me.

If I could just convey to him in a calm manor, which means not when the hormones are playing havoc with my mind, that during these times I am already inflicting so much mental and emotional pain on myself that any pain he were to inflict with a spanking would be a minor thing but with a major benefit.

I hope everyone had a lovely Valentine's Day and had some time to connect in what ever way is meaningful for you.

I did :)

19 comments:

  1. Glad to hear you enjoyed Valentine's Day. I have noticed a lot of recent comments in blog land on this very subject. It seems there are many of us who are wishing for the "release" spankings but do not know how or want to ask for them. Eventually one of us will figure it out and share.

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    1. I am more then willing to share, I just haven't figured it out yet, lol. I'll keep trying though.

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  2. Have you read PK's post today. I think we all deal with the same feelings. Hormones. Imagine how awful it would be if men had them. OMG, it boggles the mind.

    Tell MM you just need a spanking. Tell him to think of it as foreplay without acts to follow. I bet they will follow anyway. Give it a try.

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    1. OMG, men on hormones, that would be a disaster, lol.

      Umm, the one time I was actually able to get it out of my mouth during an episode, he apparently thought I was joking, cause he laughed at me. As you might expect that went over like a lead balloon!!!

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  3. I hear you faerie. I feel very similar at times. When I am all over emotional etc through hormones, or whatever....... Mitch prefers to comfort. Because he's not a spanko, spanking, obviously is the last thing he thinks about whereas as it's ALWAYS somewhere in the depths of my spanko mind lol! You explained how you feel very well, hopefully musicman will read this :) and maybe Mitch too :) He's already been here for a look see before.

    Dee x

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    1. Mitch reads here? How about until you said that I never thought about Musicman reading comments I leave on other blogs. I know, sometimes I'm a little slow on the uptake, lol.

      So, Hi Mitch, now you know we ladies really don't care for these awful hormones either, so help a lady out.

      Dee of course you know I don't mean me he should help, lol.

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    2. Lol! Not regularly I don't think but occasionally he has a look through my blog list. He hasn't got the time to do so very often so I have no idea what he reads exactly. Maybe I'm better not knowing actually :)

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    3. I don't have any idea where Musicman reads or if he reads anything other then mine. I think I like it that way, it might make nervous if I did know :)

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  4. Gosh I know where you're coming from! Sometimes I feel like a spanking would make me snap out of it when I get into one of my self-depricating moods. The problem is when I'm in those moods I'll say I don't want a spanking even if I need one. Such a predicament!

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    1. Riley, it wouldn't be a predicament at all if the guys would just get with the game, lol.

      I do know it's not a game and it does takes time, hang in there hon.

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  5. Friend,
    It looks like you and I are at the same place today. It's not a problem for me at the moment. That mood hasn't hit me in a while and by the time it does Nick will probably forgot my post about it anyway. I'm really, really glad I'm over the hormone part of it all. I guess there are some advantages in being old.

    Hugs,
    PK

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    1. I was hoping by looking at things rationally it might help, guess we'll see how successful I was next time it happens, lol.

      Maybe you should just put that post as his background or something, Haahaahaa.

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  6. Have you read Sara's recent post about spanking and hormones? Check it out: http://findingsara.wordpress.com/2012/01/31/spanking-its-brain-science/
    (((hugs))) I struggle with this too Faerie, so you're certainly not alone.

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    1. I have read that post, very informative and made good sense to me. I did think about sending it to Musicman to read, but ultimately I didn't.

      I'm telling ya, I'm booking that bus to nowhere and loading all the hormones on asap. LOL.

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    2. Well you better make sure that bus is scheduled to stop at my place...for a pick up, certainly not a delivery! ;)

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    3. You're on the schedule and there is a strict no exit policy until the final destination, lol.

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  7. Faerie,
    You just completely described the "innards" of what was going on with me last week. I couldn't pull myself out and I couldn't explain what was wrong. It felt so burdensome but I couldn't pull myself out of it. He kept up our maintenance spankings every 4 days but that really wasn't enough. I only admitted to him yesterday that a nightly spanking would likely have helped a lot. It was VERY hard to say. So...I really don't have anything for you other than I absolutely understand. If you can, try to ask him even though he is uncomfortable. It might help.

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    1. Sometimes I really hate being a woman, those times are when the evil hormones are visiting.

      I honestly don't know at this point where we go next, but at some point it will all work out.

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  8. I often scream "spank me" but my husband doesn't hear me (ok most of the time it is in my head) but sometimes I do share in a quiet whisper a hint of needing to release some stress and yet perhaps I am not whispering loudly enough...and I too worry that I am a burden, or that he thinks I am crazy, and feel guilty asking for what I need and he sits quietly, loving me always but is not much of a talker of feelings and I am all about feelings...what to do...

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