I'd like off this Rollercoaster please

Life is full of ups and downs, much like a roller coaster .  We've certainly had our share of roller coaster moments over the last few years.  I don't like roller coasters and would like to get off now please.

I have anxiety issues, bad enough that I take medication for it.  I also tend to be a huge over thinker.  I'm working very hard to stop that, cause when I do, I find myself spiraling into a bad place very quickly.  I don't like myself when I'm like that, so I can't imagine anyone else even wanting to be around me.

Despite trying very hard not to I was spiraling pretty bad on Sunday.  Musicman recognized this and thought a spanking and some playtime might help.  I was skeptical, but he went ahead and got the crop out.

A spanking and playtime did occur.  It helped some, but it also felt kind of akward.  I've never felt that way before from a spanking and/or playtime.  So of course I had to think and rethink, and rethink, ad nauseum, as to why I felt that way.  It clearly was not the outcome Musicman intended and I fear I may have hurt his feelings or shaken his confidence.  Not what I intended at all.

I did eventually figure out what happened that made me feel that way.  Knowing that Musicman is not the best communicator, especially when it comes to these kinds of things,  I did what I thought was the next best thing.  I emailed him an explanation.  I know he read it, but there's been no response yet.

Obviously I'm hoping he does respond, but we do have a lot going on.  I'm getting ready to go see my brother and T.  I'm planning on being gone about a month.  Musicman doesn't like it when I'm gone that long, but this may be the only time I get to see them this year and I want to make the most of it.

Three weeks after I get home I'll be having surgery to fix my shoulder.  It's been almost a year since my injury.  All noninvasive treatments have been tried and unfortunately there has been no significant healing, so surgery is the only choice left.  And poof, there goes the summer that hasn't even started yet.

Up in Flames

Have you ever had such a bad day, week, month, at work, that you fantasized about the place burning down so you wouldn't have to go back?  No?  Just me?

Well let me tell you, if you have had that fantasy, it's one that should stay a fantasy.

In January of 2017 both Musicman and I were up before the butt crack of dawn getting ready for work as usual.  We had the TV on to catch the local news, mostly for the weather. 

Musicman was within minutes of leaving when a story came on that caught our attention.  It was a live report from his place of work, going up in flames.  Through the heroic efforts of the firemen, there were 20 different fire companies there, and a lot of luck, they were able to save part of the building.  The building is filled with multiple flammable things so the fact that it didn't blow up is truly a miracle.

Musicman went on out to see exactly what was going on.  Of course no one could go into the building at that time.  Two days later they were allowed back into the part of the building that hadn't burned.  His job requires him to have his own tools.  He got lucky, while some of his stuff got lost in the fire, most things were salvageable.  Some of his coworkers lost everything.

The business owners opted to keep the business open while rebuilding, but everyone and everything had to be moved around as they lost a third of the building .  It's been over a year and the rebuild is still not complete. 

Of course this has caused many issues and a lot of stress for the employees, Musicman included.  Then just 4 months later I suffered the injury that ended my career.  More stress for Musicman.  A stressed Musicman is pretty miserable to deal with.

Recently I had an idea.  I can hear you all gasping, after the fiasco of my last idea, I  don't blame you.  Let me assure you the only thing being hurt from this idea would be my ass.

I decided that when he texts me on his lunch break and he's having a bad day I would do something to try and cheer him up.  I send him naughty selfies.  I'm not much of a selfie taker kinda person, so I don't think the quality is very good, but he seems to like them.  The unexpected side effect of these selfies has been an increase in spankings and playtime. 

So maybe that fantasy that became a reality wasn't so bad after all.

And a quick update on my last disasterous idea.  I sent Musicman an email detailing how I had intended things would have gone.  So now he knows and things are in his hands as to when it might occur.

Well that didn't go as planned

One of the things I quickly learned when we started TTWD was that given enough time and effort hard limits become soft limits and soft limits fall away.  At least that seems to be how it works for me.

For a man of few words, during playtime Musicman turns into a chatty Cathy.  If it's not a running commentary on what's happening at that moment, it's a narrative on some of his wants that currently fall into my limits category. 

The man could seriously be an erotica writer if he wanted too.  I admit the man and his sexy stories have made me cum without him ever touching me.  He's either very calculating or it's just his way of getting his fantasies fulfilled.  Either way it's working, my limits are changing.

Since things have been going well I had the crazy idea to offer something that I've never done.  Something that previously had been a very hard limit for me.  And, I stupidly did not inform him of my intentions.  I thought it would be fun to surprise him.

He had just gotten into the shower.  I decided to join him, not something I usually do cause at our age a broken hip or something equally as bad is totally possible.  I really thought that since I've recently had to add safety equipment, like grab bars, to our shower it would be ok. 

At first things went quite well. I was pampering him.  Washing his hair, and taking my time to thoroughly wash, rinse and massage him.  I was literally seconds from making my move and offering something he's been talking about for years. 

Unfortunately, it was not meant to be.  A misstep on his part and everything came crashing down as he fell.  He wasn't hurt, though wasn't too happy with me either.

We did go on to have some lovely playtime with the flogger, but I still haven't told him what I was going to do.  I was mortified with what happened and am way too embarrassed to say anything then or now. 

It's still on my mind. I think that since I made the decision to do it I now want to follow through and do it for him.  Just gotta figure out how to get over my mortification and embarrassment and tell him.

Never thought I'd do that

Over the years Musicman and I have enjoyed somewhat of an adventurous sex life.  I'd say we covered most of the basics: lapdances, striptease, sex in risky or public places, sex while driving(I strongly suggest caution if trying this one). We've made our own movies, both together and some I've done solo for him.  He has an album of sexy lingerie photos of me that I did as a gift for him.  Even some light bondage.

That was all before I started looking more into BDSM and D/s and started blogging the first time.  Of course after that it was like opening Pandora's box.  Some things I like, some things he likes, some things we both like.

One of the things I wanted to try, but never had the opportunity to do was sexting. Silly right?  I tried for years, to no avail, to talk him into getting a cell phone.  He finally relented and got one the day before I left the first time to visit my brother and T.

We texted everyday while I was gone, both times, though no sexting occurred.  I have finally done it and crossed that off my list.  While fun and has always resulted in playtime later,  I quickly realized two things.  It's always me initiating and he's become addicted to his phone.  Talk about something coming back to bite me in the ass, and  not in the good way.  Considering that Musicman had complained for years about me, "always having my nose stuck in a book", I find this kind of ironic.

I've not said anything to him about this for a few reasons.  First, I'm not the type of person to beg anyone to pay attention to me.  Either you want my company or you don't, I'll adjust accordingly.  Second, there was absolutely no way in hell I was handing him the opportunity to throw my previous behavior in my face, especially since when he pointed it out I stopped doing it.

As I saw it that left me with few options, so I have never said anything to him about it.  I don't like it, but most likely I never will say anything about it.  I did however have a stroke of inspiration a couple weeks ago.

I'm sure most people are on Facebook, not everyone, but most.  A few months back Musicman asked me to help setup a Facebook page for him.  Color me surprised, I never suggested it,  and really never thought he would be interested.  Of course I did help him and thought no more about it.  Until a couple weeks ago.

I happen to be a member of several closed BDSM groups on Fb.  I like them all, obviously, or I wouldn't stay in them.  There is one in particular that I especially like.  It's entertaining, educational, very well run.  The page owner and admins are very good at engaging the members and stimulating member participation.

This is not a group you can click the join button and become a member.   You request to join and once you've been vetted you get an email saying if you're approved or not. If approved you then have to confirm via email that you want to be in the group.

I'm thinking by now you probably know what I did.  Yep, Musicman was in the shower, just about the only time he doesn't have his phone. I hadn't planned on doing it, the thought just popped into my head and his phone was right there.  So yeah, Musicman is now part of the group.  When he questioned it, I played dumb, but my giggling and laughter definitely gave it away.

I'm happy to report that his constant phone use has decreased some(not as much as I'd like, but it's a start), and playtime and even impact play has increased.

Wish my next brilliant idea had worked as well, but that disaster is a story for another day.

Just thinking out loud

Musicman continues to be engrossed in work and hanging on to material things. Material things that while necessary, and I suppose scary to think about losing, it doesn't scare me at all. 

I don't feel these things he's working himself to exhaustion to save, serve us well, nor am I interested in keeping them.  Honestly, I'd be thrilled to let them go and move on.

It saddens me that he is spending so much time and effort on this, to the exclusion of everything else, including me. I spend all day every day home alone, but I'm never as lonely as I am when he's home.  I understand he needs and deserves time to decompress and relax when he's home, but if he's awake, he's  online on his phone, always.

There was a time when I would have addressed this with him, but not anymore.  I've talked till I'm blue in the face.  He knows exactly how I feel about this situation, and still nothing has changed.

I keep myself busy by cleaning the mess and working on fixing the damage done to our home when the kids lived here.  This house no longer feels like my home and I don't think it ever will again.  As I've been cleaning I've also been packing away my personal things, at least the ones that weren't damaged.  Musicman hasn't really noticed.  That saddens me too.

I haven't completely given up, I'm just approaching things a little differently.   I'm trying to focus more on taking care of myself, trying to rebuild my life. Not an easy thing to do when everything around you is falling apart, but I'm doing it anyway.

I did do something I never thought I'd do to get his attention and it sort of worked. But that's a story for another day as I'm still observing and evaluating the outcome.