Friday, February 2, 2018

Where the winds blew me

So, I  said  I  never meant  to  be  gone 3 years. Many things have occurred in those  years. It's hard to even know where to begin.

Life just seemed to blow me away. And I let it. It was just easier that way. My life  was in turmoil.

I  had a household full of adult children and grandchildren and animals that weren't mine.

I  wasn't  at all happy.  Musicman  and I  were at constant odds. I  felt like a prisoner in my own home. I  so wish I  could say he supported me, but truth is, he didn't.

While I understood why  he made the decisions he made, I  didn't necessarily agree with him. In all honesty, I  felt betrayed.

Despite everything I had overcome and survived, and  as much as I thought I was thriving, I  wasn't.

I  was so busy taking care of everyone else, I forgot to take care of myself.  I let people walk all over me, use me and abuse me. Something I said I would never allow again. And yet I did.

Against my better instincts and gut feelings, when a full time position became available in a different program with my employer, I  took  it.

Not because it was best  for  me, but because it was best for my family. That's  what mom's do right?

I  was more than qualified, even  did very well at the  job. But the atmosphere started  to  make me quite ill, quite often.

That was difficult in itself.  But I also had to deal with sexual  harassment from  my boss. Reporting him got me no where. Old boys clubs still exist.

Wish I could say Musicman supported me, but not really. He was just  happy I was making money and helping support  our adult  children. I  call it enabling, but  whatever, I  knew I  was  never gonna win that one.

I  took  a  proactive  approach with my health.  I  was seeing my doctor, making  lifestyle changes that would  make  things better.

Yeah, that totally backfired on me.  A med I  was prescribed caused me to black out and have  a  seizure. I  ended up being diagnosed with a  separated  shoulder that 8 months later still isn't healed, and may never fully heal. I  also have been  diagnosed with severe arthritis and  stenosis  in my  spine  and  throughout  my  body .

I'm  no longer  able  to  work.  It sucks. For so many  reasons .

That's  enough  for  now .  Probably  wasn't  what  you  were  expecting ,  neither  was I .




20 comments:

  1. Thanking for sharing, I know it is not easy. You have been through so much, and yet you are here...that is a victory. HUGS...abby

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    1. Thank you for the positive words and support abby. I definitely need some positive in my life right now .

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  2. Oh that is so sad Faerie that you went through all that, yet your Musicman didn't support you. Hope you take some time out just for yourself to help you recover from all this turmoil. Put yourself first before your children for a little while. Sending positive healing vibes your way.
    Hugs Lindy xx

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    1. It's been a tough few years and probably the most difficult time between musicman and myself that we've ever had. Coming back here and writing again is a good thing for me. Hopefully it will help me make positive steps forward.

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  3. Oh Faerie, gosh you have been through so much turmoil, I'm so sorry, sorry too that you weren't supported by Musicman. I agree with Lindy, I hope you can take some time for yourself now. Sending positive thoughts and huge (((Hugs)))

    Roz

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    1. Thanks for the support Roz. I'm doing what I can to make things better.

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  4. No it's not what I expected, not what I'd hoped for, but its near what I feared. I hope things have or will take a turn for the better. Either way we're here to listen.

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    1. PK, just being back here, a safe, supportive community is a good thing. Writing has always been very therapeutic for me. I definitely need that now.

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  5. Glad you're back Faerie. So sorry about life - wish it was better.So your kids are still at home and your granddaughter too. A houseful, no wonder you took a full time job and too bad that it didn't work out. Life can be a real bitch.
    Hope things start looking up.

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    1. Hi Leigh, life can definitely be a bitch sometimes. I'm working hard to get back on track. I believe having this outlet will help.

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  6. You're here, and I hope that being here helps. I'm sorry your time away has been so tough.
    Hugs DF

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    1. It does help to be here, just one of many things I'm doing to make things better.

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  7. Oh that sounds like quite an ordeal. I hope being able to share here again offers you one avenue where you'll find support and a bunch of listening ears!

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    1. I think it will Fondles. I definitely need a place to work through everything that's happened.

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  8. I'm So sorry you are dealing and have dealt with so much! We have a few things in common right now! Glad you’ll be writing again!

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    1. I'm so happy to be back and have this place in this wonderful community to express myself and explore the crazy in my head. I hope the things we have in common are positive.

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  9. That all sounds so incredibly difficult. I'm sorry for the circumstances that have given you this time to write. Though you didn't really want that job, I can imagine this is now how you wished to go out.

    I'm hoping you'll find peace and progress.

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    1. Thank you Lea, you're absolutely right about the job. Peace and progress is exactly what I'm looking for.

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  10. I am so sorry to hear all your struggles. Glad that you have reconnected here where you can express your thoughts and find support from your friends here. I wish you strength and hope joy is around the next corner. Hugs

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    1. Thank you for the lovely thoughts and support. Writing has always been therapeutic for me. I really need that right now. Connecting with friends again is a huge bonus.

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