Saturday, February 17, 2018

Lost in my submission

With the onset of my injury and the new diagnosis that is complicating my healing, I can no longer work.

I live in an area of the country that is exceptionally cold and snowy.  If it's not the grocery store or a Dr appt, I don't go out.

I spend a lot of time alone, living in my head.  It's a scary place in there.

I also don't sleep well. I never have...here comes the but...but, pain of the not so good kind, makes it even more of a challenge.

It gives me too much time to think. That's never a good thing.

I've spent so much time thinking about how I chose to submit.  I don't remember the day, but I remember the moment.  Like it were yesterday, instead of 30+ decades ago.

Given the circumstances of the last handful of years, I wonder if I've lost myself in the cloak of my submission.

I think about all the compromises I've made to please him.  The adjustments I've made, to please him.  The things I've sacrificed, to please him.

I'm not so sure that submission to him is such a good thing for me.

So many questions and decisions to be made, yet stuck in limbo for the moment.  Which just gives me more time to think.  Ugh.




15 comments:

  1. I suppose I would think when submitting to him, when having made those decisions to please him... did he please you in return? Were your needs being met as well? Relationships are about compromise. I know we all say things like, submit submit, submit, even when you don't want to... but we're all human and at the end of the day, it IS a give and take. Hopefully he was giving back to you as well, the things you needed in order to be a good submissive to him. Or hopefully he'd realize that the things you were submitting to, making concessions to, were good/not good for you overall.

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    1. In the beginning it was a good thing for me. He did so much for me at that time. It was a two way street. I'm not exactly when or why things changed, but they have and I'm left trying to figure it all out.

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  2. Time to think is a good thing...those are important questions, they deserve well thought out answers HUGS...abby

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    1. They are important questions and ones I'm definitely giving a lot of thought.

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  3. Hi Faerie, I agree with both Lea and Abby, these are important questions and time to think is a good thing.

    Sending huge (((hugs)))
    Roz

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    1. I agree too, great questions and will definitely be them lot's of thought.

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  4. Hi Faerie,
    I found you through Fondles blog (love your theme btw).
    I also agree with what the other ladies have said. When I read this, I wonder if your husband wasn't meeting your needs as well. It's crucial that the dominant in the relationship is meeting the needs if his submissive- it's not a one way street. In fact, IMO, I think his commitment to the role of being a LOVING dominant is paramount to your success as a submissive. We as women love in response to the love given by our husbands, who are themselves meant to be our leaders and be the initiators in tbe relationship. Without his love and devition it would be very hard, as a woman, to feel fulfilled let alone submit in the relationship.
    These are my thoughts...
    Hugs to you,
    Jlynne

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    1. There was definitely a time, for many years,that he was a loving, caring dominant and husband. I'm realizing that has changed and I have much to think about and decisions to be made.

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  5. Hi Faerie,
    I found you through Fondles blog (love your theme btw).
    I also agree with what the other ladies have said. When I read this, I wonder if your husband wasn't meeting your needs as well. It's crucial for the dominant in the relationship to meet the needs of his submissive- it's not a one way street. In fact, IMO, I think his commitment to the role of being a LOVING dominant is paramount to your success as a submissive. We as women love in response to the love given by our husbands, who are themselves meant to be our leaders and be the initiators in the relationship. Without his love and devotion it would be very hard, as a woman, to feel fulfilled let alone submit in the relationship.
    These are my thoughts...
    Hugs to you,
    Jlynne

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  6. Hi Faerie,

    I think sometimes (and I have been there, trapped in my own head think, think, thinking) that there can be a danger when looking back. I know great things can also happen when one reflects on a life gone by, but the issue can arise with emotions surrounding events. What I mean to say is, that for myself personally I can't always look at the past with the correct emotional memory attached to it. For example, looking at a photo of my son at 3 how adorable was he? OMGosh I miss those days- yet that day I could have been pulling my hair out because he bit his brother, drew on the sofa, had a temper tantrum and I didn't even get in a shower! LOL. Of course that is a good way to not remember. The damaging way is to attach new negative feelings about things that have happened recently to past submission that actually fulfilled something at the time. Not saying this is what you are doing....just curious if that is something to also think about?

    Good luck sifting through your thoughts
    willie

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    1. Hi Willie,

      Just wanted to say I appreciated what you had to say about not attaching new negative feelings to recent memories. I feel I do this sometimes when I "stew" in my own thoughts!

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    2. Thank you Lea (sorry Fairie for the highjack). I often feel my comments are out in left field so your comment timing is perfect. I sadly do the same, so I know where you are coming from.

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    3. No worries Wilma, hijack away, lol. I understand exactly what you're saying and it's a valid point. I know for myself emotions color many thoughts and memories. I find it difficult to not do that, but also think it's important to try and separate the emotions to make the best informed decision.

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  7. That`s a really tough place to be. Perspective is a tricky thing to view from with the current day`s emotion. ((Faerie))

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    1. It sure is a difficult place to be but I'm working hard to make the changes needed to improve the situation.

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