Sunday, February 11, 2018

Trust

Trust is not something that comes easily for me. Growing up in a home rife with abuse will do that to a person.  I built walls so high and so thick no one was getting through.

I learned very young not to count on anyone but myself.  I didn't wait or look for anyone to come and save me. I saved myself. I spent 5 years alone, doing what I needed to do to survive and thrive.

Then Musicman burst into my life. He was a game changer. He didn't take no for an answer when he wanted something, and he wanted me.

It definitely took a while, but together we broke through the walls.  I learned to trust, I learned what being part of a large, loving family was like.  I felt like that was a true gift that Musicman gave me.

We've been together over 3 decades.  I had gotten to a place that felt safe and secure. I trusted him.  I can honestly say he's the only person in my life I have ever really truly trusted.

But, (there's always a but, isn't there),  in the last few years he's lied to me, hidden things from me, and in general broke my trust. So much so, that last summer I removed my collar. 

I miss it. I  miss what it represented to me. Trust.

Let me be clear,  he did NOT cheat.  He's never raised a hand to me in anger. 

He says the things he hid and lied about were minor, though he could give me no good reasons for this behavior, that I " should just get over it". 

Yeah, I'm working on that. A story for another day.






18 comments:

  1. I'm sorry he did this. I imagine he's sorry he did it too - even if he might not say it. I hope you're both trying to rebuild it.

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    1. I am, he has nothing to say other than I need to get over it. Not very helpful.

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    2. Maybe you could tell him that in order for you to 'get over it' you need him to acknowledge that what he did hurt you and tell you he's sorry. THEN maybe you could begin to get over it.

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    3. Not to be glib but,been there done that. To him this is a closed subject. I am working on processing everything and working my way through it.

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  2. "Just getting over" a breach of trust is not an easy thing. It will take time...and a work, I imagine. Each tiny stop forward is a victory...hugs abby

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    1. No it's not easy and since he won't or can't understand the way I currently feel it's been very difficult. I am trying to move forward though.

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  3. I'm so sorry Faerie, trust is not easily rebuilt.

    (((Hugs)))
    Roz

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    1. No it's not and since he doesn't acknowledge my feelings about everything I'm finding it quite difficult.

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  4. ugh, i hope you both find the time and energy to sit and talk thru the matter(s) at hand. one day at a time. one conversation at a time. *hugs*

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    1. This particular conversation is effectively over. He refuses to say anything other than I need to get over it, so I'm gonna have to do this on my own.

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  5. Trust, once broken, can never be regained the way it once was. You'll have to find a new level and "you just can't get over it. MM needs to understand that and work towards rebuilding the bond that once was.

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    1. That's how I see it, but no amount of talking has changed Musicman's opinion that I need to get over it.

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  6. I'm sorry you're having to deal with this on your own. His response seems entirely unreasonable to me. What if the shoe were on the other foot? Would he be okay if you behaved the way he did?

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    1. He most certainly would not be okay, and I've pointed that out to him. Hasn't changed his stance on the subject. For reasons I can't fathom he's made it clear what his stance is and he's not budging. Very frustrating to say the least.

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  7. I'm sorry Faerie. You are a stronger person than me. I would be done.

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  8. I'm not sure if it's strength or stubbornness, but I've thought and I've said I'm done more than once.

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  9. Trust is so important in any relationship and so difficult to rebuild, but in time I hope you are able to work through it together. I am sorry that right now he is not willing to talk about how much it hurt you.

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  10. I'm trying hard to let go of the resentment and anger. It certainly does me no good to hang on to it. I no longer bring it up, I believe he's said everything he's going to on the subject.

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