Tuesday, February 27, 2018

I forgot

I'll be answering comments soon, I appreciate them all, but life just seems to get in the way sometimes

So, I had a not so great moment. I totally forgot to check in with my emotions. I didn't check the negative thoughts.  I spiraled into the abyss, and he walked through the door and caught the brunt of my wrath.

I let something that would normally not bother me, jump on my last nerve. It was ugly and if we were a dd couple I'd definitely deserve a punishment. But we aren't that kind of couple. I sometimes wish we were, but I know that's never gonna happen.

Instead I raged and cried and accused. All the things I said I wasn't gonna do. I'm so ashamed of myself. What came out needed to be said. That I'm not ashamed of, how I said it? That I'm ashamed of.

He handled it so much better than I expected.  He listened, and actually heard me. He calmed my fears, while also expressing his own doubts.

I respect and understand that.


















10 comments:

  1. Little steps, but it sounds like a good little step.

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    1. Yes they are good steps. I try to remind myself that we didn't get to bad place overnight and it can't be fixed overnight, so small steps are good.

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  2. (((hugs))) Faerie, glad Musicman listened and was able to calm your fears.

    Hugs
    Roz

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    1. Thanks Roz, he's doing so much better communicating. I think we both are, when I don't slip back into self defense mode that is. But I'm not perfect and readily admit it.

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  3. Don't be so hard on yourself...I agree, there was probably a better way to have that conversation, but maybe letting out all those pent up feelings, made an impression that needed to be made. He listened and he calmed you...that is a pretty good outcome. hugs abby

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    1. I do tend to be very hard on myself, something I'm working on. While not proud of my actions, what I said he definitely needed to hear and he handled it and me brilliantly. A great improvement.

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  4. I am sorry. Feelings sometimes need to get out. I am glad he listened and helped to calm you. I am still catching up reading in blogland, but please know I am thinking of you. Hugs

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    1. Thank you Terps, I've been reading around blogland too, though haven't been commenting. Still kinda feel like a shy newbie.

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  5. A long time ago I read that anger is the secondary emotion, often hiding some more vulnerable one. I can't speak for you, but I know 99% of the time this is true with me. I can also say there was a time where I ended up more on an endless loop of it becoming my go to reaction which is really detrimental to all involved.

    I once wrote a post years ago comparing myself to a Jack Pine pine cone ( if you are not familiar they only open up and drop their seeds in extreme heat- often a forest fire). There was a point in my life that I felt I took care of everything (mostly) and I believe it had me stuffing everything down until I couldn't take it anymore and through ttwd I started to explode. Which I realize sounds so counterproductive to what ttwd is supposed to do for many. BUT I needed to let those emotions out- or drop my (OMGosh if I say seeds it is going to sound like a dime store sex novel!) but... seeds to start new growth much like the Jack Pine.

    If I had been in your (described) situation and Musicman had responded the way you said he did, I would feel so much better knowing that he saw *me* versus my emotions. Such a wonderful thing in times like that because let's face it none of us like to be 'that person'.


    Yet again I find myself agreeing with abby- she's such a smart cookie ;). Try not to be so hard on yourself. Thank Musicman for his reaction, and apologize (I"m sure you've done both). Rome wasn't built in a day as the old saying goes, so change-real lasting change is going to experience some struggles along the way. This is completely normal, disappointing, but normal. The key/hope is on those days when one stumbles, the other one is at their best. Here's hoping that if it is Musicman next time, you can remember this time.

    willie

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    1. Wilma, you always leave such thoughtful and informative comments. I really appreciate it. In some ways we are a lot alike, just based on what you've said above. I did apologize and thank Musicman for how he handled me and the situation. And I agree, abby is a very smart cookie.

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