Monday, February 26, 2018

Just some ramblings

Oh what a long, stressful, physically painful week it was. 4 doctor appointments in 2 days and paperwork coming out my ears. Getting older is definitely not for the weak. I've got a long way to go for resolution of all this, but I'm a step closer.

The great thing about it all is that Musicman has been more supportive than I thought he would or could be. I'm not totally sure what changed, but I've been working hard to make changes to myself and my reactions to things.

I've been working hard to be cognizant of how my physical pain influences my emotions and how my emotions drive my moods.

I'm trying hard to be aware of the negative thoughts that so easily creep in and cause me to spiral into the abyss and stop them before that happens. Sometimes I'm successful, sometimes not, but I'm trying.

I'm also trying to meditate again. I practiced yoga for years and the meditation portion of it was always very difficult for me. My mind just runs on so many tracks at once that quieting it is near to impossible, but I'm trying.

I'm also trying to be more proactive about how I express myself and my frustrations to Musicman. For instance, he went with me to an appointment where I was going to be getting a steroid shot in my shoulder.  They only help minimally but better than nothing. Something happened at that appointment that upset me. He stepped up and not only did he calm and reassure me, but he spoke up to the medical staff and made sure I got what I needed.  I made sure to thank him and tell him how much I needed and appreciated it.

And, I finally asked for something I hate to ask for and haven't been sure I really wanted.

I was very frustrated one day after having to deal with some of the insurance companies and doctors. Instead of internalizing my frustrations and spiraling to a dark place, I texted Musicman. I honestly didn't think he'd hear it and would probably not find it for hours. 

Surprise, he did hear it, and responded positively. I had just said that I hoped he was having a better afternoon than I was, that I  was frustrated and could really use a good beating and fucked till I didn't remember my own name.

And later that evening, that's exactly what happened. It was kinda glorious and definitely relieved my stress.

I'm trying and though I continue to be frustrated with the paperwork, doctors and pain, I'm hopeful that Musicman and I might finally be turning towards each other again.



12 comments:

  1. ah...I am reading lots of positive steps here...so happy for you. I know it is small steps, but they are steps forward. I agree with you about getting old...but it is better than the alternative...hugs abby

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    1. You're absolutely right about the alternative abby. In my book small steps definitely count. And steps forward have been a long time coming.

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  2. Aw this sounds wonderful- I mean despite the pain and frustration that it. I am with abby, small steps can become strides forward. Also with her on getting old and the alternative. Perhaps I should have just said "Ditto" LOL.

    Hope you are able to keep your momentum flowing!
    willie

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    1. I hope so to Wilma. And I agree, ditto to everything abby said 😊

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  3. Faerie,
    This was so nice to hear. I hope things continue going in the right direction for you.
    Good for you for noticing how you could help yourself and your relationship and stepping up. Keep on trying!
    Looks like things are paying off.
    Hugs,
    Jlynne

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    1. I'm trying, not always succeeding, but I never claimed to be perfect, and at least I am trying.

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  4. Hi Faerie, I'm so happy that things seem to be looking up, and especially that Musicman is being supportive. Small steps forward...which aren't actually so small :)

    Hugs
    Roz

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    1. You are so right when you say they aren't so small. For many they might seem that way, but for me they are huge.

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  5. This is so reassuring. I hope it continues. The people who fell in love with each other are still in there!

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    1. Yes, those people are still in there, I think it's just a matter of getting past the hurt and learning to communicate again. I'm trying.

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  6. every little positive step is meaningful...I hope you continue to find the support you need and continue to heal. Hugs

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  7. Things appear to be getting some better. We have a long way to go, but I'm encouragedoing with the small steps we've made.

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