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noun: respect
- a feeling of deep admiration for someone or something elicited by their abilities, qualities, or achievements.
verb: respect;
- admire (someone or something) deeply, as a result of their abilities, qualities, or achievements.
Respect is a word, a concept, that most of us in this lifestyle are very familiar with. It's a word we think about, talk about and for some of us, struggle with. We are to respect our HOH/Dom/Master. We are required to show respect in all our interactions, no matter what the situation is. We are required to respect and obey any and all rules set down by our HOH's. Heck, the word respect even appears in most traditional wedding vows, along with the word obey.
We had traditional wedding vows. I vowed to love, honor, respect and obey my husband. In addition, Musicman made it very clear to me from the beginning, how important it was to him, that I show him in action and in word, respect for him. I took my vows and his directions very seriously. I do my best to respect his wishes at all times. I'm not perfect, I don't always succeed, but I do try.
In exchange, I expect him to also respect me. I would say, for the most part, he does. However, a situation has arisen that has left me seriously doubting that fact. A situation that has been dragging on for weeks now and I no longer have any idea how to fix. I want to move past it, but I can't, no matter how hard I try.
Of course, the situation involves our adult children. They have both been struggling with some serious life issues. They both moved back in with us for a few months so that they could get their lives together and get back on their feet. That was a year ago. Neither one of them seem to be making much progress.
They do not ever listen to me or any advice I give them, so I've stopped trying. I've accepted that, along with the fact that it will be some time before they ever leave. Really, I don't blame them, they have it very good here. They live their lives the way they want and they do it on my dime. Who wouldn't want that?
The real problem is that they show me and my home absolutely no respect. They have told me that everything in their lives would be fine if it weren't for me. They have told me that everyone in the house would be quite happy if I would just leave. Yes, they are actively blaming me for their bad choices and the predicaments they have gotten themselves into. Clearly they still have quite a bit of growing up to do.
I know that children often blame the mother for everything that is wrong in their lives. I'm the mother, they blame me. Okay, that I can handle, whilst always praying that one day they will take responsibility for their lives and their decisions. I don't hold my breath waiting for that day to come, but I still pray for it everyday.
The crux of the issue for me, the thing I can't move past is the fact that they believe their father, my husband, my beloved Musicman, feels the same as they do. I know this because they have told me this. That is what really hurts. That is what I can't move past.
I did talk to Musicman about this. He assured me it wasn't true. He assured me he would speak to them about this. After of week of no action, I reminded him of what he had promised. He did speak to our son, but he did not hit the main point, in my opinion.
I know that he can not force these kids to see reality. I know he can not force them to listen to me or to show me respect. Well, technically, he could, but he he's never going to do that. I accept that, that wasn't the main point for me. The main point for me, is that he make it clear to them, in no uncertain terms, that they are wrong.
It is very important to me, that my children truly know and understand, that Musicman does respect me and what I contribute to this family. Maybe it should be enough for me that he does respect me, but it's just not. Knowing that my children believe that their father does not respect me is a pain that I can't get past. He could fix this for me, but he hasn't. Before any of you suggest that I can fix it, I've tried, they don't listen to me or believe anything I say.
The fact that Musicman does not see how important this issue is to me has caused me to lose some respect for him. That bothers me quite a bit and I don't know what to do about it. I just know I can't be submissive or obedient to a man I can't respect and I can't respect a man who will not stand up for me.
Hugs faerie! For what it's worth, I think you're absolutely right here. You expect children to act like children and hate their parents when life doesn't go their way. But these aren't children, they are adults. They are tenants living in your house. As such, in my opinion, there should be hard and fast rules and expectations for their continued tenancy. You know, like earning their keep through chores and being respectful. That seems a given. Paying rent too, where you could hold that money until there's enough saved to fund their independence. Kind if like a forced savings program via rent. I'm sure anything to that effect has probably fallen on deaf ears. It's just my opinion on it. They're adults. You owe them nothing. You choose to provide out if love, not obligation. Respect is the least they could do.
ReplyDeleteChickadee those are all great ideas, and yes, I have suggested them, to no avail. I have been fighting this particular fight foe many years and gaining very little, if any, ground. Occasionally it gets to a boiling point, a point when I can no longer handle it. That is the point that I turn to Musicman for help. Usually he is very good about supporting me, this time he just didn't quite get it. Writing about it helped me get through it and it helped him to see the situation a bit more clearly. Things are marginally better.
DeleteI second Chickadees thoughts above. You are showing kindness out of love...and as adults, who have made their own choices and decisions, they should be choosing to return that gesture with the same kindness and respect they have received. And that respect for you should be glowing through the support of everyone. I am sorry you are feeling badly and send you hugs through the distance...
ReplyDeleteThanks Terpsichore, I always appreciate the support. Everything you and all the others have said, I have said to my adult children. I'm not sure why it makes no impact on them, but it doesn't. I also feel that it is perfectly acceptable for me to turn to Musicman for the support and help I need when it all becomes too much. After all, he is their father and my partner, plus he told me he would always protect me. He did read this post( he reads all my posts) and it did help him see how important this issue is to me.
DeleteSorry to hear you aren't getting the respect you deserve. They don't seem to realize how lucky they are to have such a caring person as their mother.And hope Musicman understands understand it is difficult for you to be submissive to him when he is not giving you the proper respect. Good luck in dealing with these issues and many cyber hugs to you.
ReplyDeleteFD
I have a sister who always sees the world through rose colored glasses. For some reason, when my children see me, they see me through a lens of non reality. They see what serves them the best instead of what is real. It is very frustrating and something I have been trying to change for many years. Now that Musicman has seen this post, he understands much better how I feel about this situation.
DeleteDitto to the above- It saddens me to see you living with such lack of respect. It is a difficult situation all around I hope Musicman makes the rights decisions and does what he needs for all your sake. Sending hugs and prayers.
ReplyDelete~faithful
Musicman always reads my posts and once he read this one not only did he see how important it was to me but he also stepped up to give me the support I desperately needed.
DeleteSet some boundaries as hard as that will be. Charge rent and make sure they know that they are NOT guests. Dishes have to be washed, floors have to be mopped. Set a $ amount for their contribution to the grocery bill. Don't support them! Talk to your music man, work out the details, put it in writing and have him present it to them.
ReplyDeleteYou are not a door mat. Get up off the floor and give yourself a little love. I am dealing with similar issues with my oldest. I have hopes that she will move out soon. She hates my rules.
Hugs from one mom to another
I have tried doing all those things, it gets me no where. I really would have more luck talking to our dog. I'm not sure why that is but it is. I haven't given up, I was knocked down for a bit, but I never give up. Writing it out helped me process what was going on and it helped Musicman to under stand how important this was to me. I know he didn't mean to intentionally not support me, but still, his lack of support really hurt. I'm happy to say that he has stepped up and things are a bit better. I know it will take time, but we are making progress.
DeleteWOW, I am so sorry that your adult children are far from being adults, and that you feel a lack of support from Musicman. This is a toughie, but i understand fully where you are coming from;....and how you are feeling. My adult daughter lives with me....and it is not easy....it seems when they move back 'home' it is the home they remember when growing up, and expect everything to be the same.
ReplyDeleteHUGS...abby
That's a really great point abby. I do think my children believe that everything should be exactly the same as when they were kids. Except they don't want any of the rules they had as kids. They want to be treated as adults but still have good old mom around to take of everything and to blame when things don't go right for them.
DeleteI agree with everything said in the above comments. They are adults and in the real world, adults pay for food, clothing, and a roof over their head.
ReplyDeleteHave MM read this post and the comments, maybe he' will see the writing on the wall.
I agree too. Musicman did read the post and the comments. It did help him to see how important this was to me and he has stepped up and given me the support I needed. Things aren't perfect, but I'm not looking for perfection, just a bit of respect.
Deleteoh my. you really must must must tell him exactly what it is that's bothering you. i think he's not getting the real issue here, as many men are wont to do.
ReplyDeleteoften i will go on and on and on until BIKSS gets the POINT. not the "general idea" and i think that's something you have to fix together. or else it's all downhill from here.
*hugs* and blessings.
I really thought in the several times we had a spoken about this that I had made myself very clear, apparently not. He did read the post and he has stepped up to give me the support I needed. I love my husband very much, but sometimes it does take a brick to the side of his head to get him to pay attention. I guess this post was my proverbial brick.
DeleteGreat comments above faerie. I think you should show MM this post. I also think you should give yourself a good talking to and start standing up for yourself! You can do it!! ((Hugs))
ReplyDeleteDee x
Musicman did read the post, he always reads my posts. I believe it helped him realize how important this was to me. As for standing up for myself. I have, over and over and over. I have always fought my own battles,i really know no other way. I asked for Musicman's help because this is an ongoing issue and I simply couldn't deal with the recent escalation of things. I guess he just needed a good swift kick in the pants to really "get it".
DeleteThis makes me so sad for you, faerie. I hope MM wakes up and realizes what he's doing, and that you find your way back to each other through this. Take care of yourself in the meantime...
ReplyDeletesofia
Musicman did read the post and realized what his lack of support has done to me. He has stepped up and given me the support I asked for and things are some better.
Delete