Sunday, December 29, 2013

Reflections

Traditionally, this is the time of year for reflection. A time of year when we review the past and plan for the future. I'm no different, except for the fact that I suck at planning for the future. I find it a somewhat futile past time, since I firmly believe, we are not promised tomorrow and should live for today.

As I look back, I vividly remember this time of year, last year. I remember telling a friend how I was dreading the coming of the new year. She posited that it was because I might be superstitious. That maybe the year 2013 was an issue for me. That wasn't it.

I'm not really a superstitious person. I have no problems with black cats, cracks in the side walk or ladders. Friday the 13? My first thought? Thank goodness it's Friday. No, it was not superstition that was making me dread the coming year, it was gut instinct.

I very much remember the growing dread, building within me, as the days of the year ticked by. I wanted to ignore it, I wanted to think I was just being a silly goose. Worrying for no good reason, about something I knew nothing about.

As the first few days came and went and nothing horrific happened, I tried so hard to convince myself that I needed to ignore that gut instinct that was so persistently predicting gloom and doom. That's when the phone rang. A phone call that would unleash a flood of visions, visions that would soon become reality. A reality that held an unreal, eerie, de ja vu quality to it.

The year would shape up to be one of the most challenging of my adult life. It would present challenges that I never thought to face. It would bring loss, of such dimensions, I am still trying to fathom. It would bring love, so vast, as to overcome the circumstances of her being.

I would lose so much of myself, in service to others, that it no longer fulfilled me as it used to do. I would spend inordinate amounts of time, mourning for what I had lost. Moments would come, when I would find it necessary to dig deep, pull myself out from the quagmire and just breathe. I would look for the lessons, yet find them to painful to learn. This last year has felt a bit like being stuck in quicksand. The harder I fight, the faster I go down.

Now, here we are, just a scant few hours from the new year. For the first time in 19 years it will start with a new moon. As someone of the fae persuasion, how can I possibly ignore that sign? My gut is telling me, this year will be as life changing as the last, but it will be up to me to make those changes.

I feel like this is the year I need to take my power back. I no longer believe that living as a submissive, on a day to day basis, is healthy for me. Oh, make no mistake, I'm still a masochist. I still crave the pain and domination that comes with the very rare opportunity for playtime. I am very much hoping those activities continue to grow and expand.

I just don't believe that I can continue to put him and everyone else, first in my life. This is going to be my year. The year that I make the positive changes in my life that I have needed to make for some time. I will put myself first this year. I will take care of myself. I will replace negative habits, with positive ones. I will move on, taking steps toward happiness.

I may no longer stop to consider how he feels, he may have to scramble to keep up with me, or he may have to let me go. That choice will be his to make. I have made mine. It's a gut instinct, I've learned not to ignore those.











20 comments:

  1. Replies
    1. Thanks, now lets hope I have the strength to follow through. I think I will.

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  2. I have a feeling that what's best for you may just be best for all.

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    1. I'm sure my kids would argue about that, but they are adults and no longer need me the way they used to. Time for them to grow up and for me to focus on me.

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  3. I have been waiting for a post like this from you....taking care of you....will make all of their lives easier. Hurrah..i am rooting for you.
    hugs abby

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    1. Thanks abby. It sounds bad, but I am not approaching this in a manner of what is best for them. I am going to do what is best for me and they will just have to adjust.

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  4. Good for you Faerie ... listening to your gut. Wishing you a wonderful year ahead.

    Hugs,
    Roz

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    1. Thanks Roz, I would say that after this last year things couldn't get much worse, but I know better than that. I am going to be proactive about doing the things that are right for me, regardless of how everyone else might be affected.

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  5. Great post. May that new moon carry you forth to new beginnings and a year of inner power, confidence, strength, and joy... Hugs

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    1. Thanks Terpsichore, that is exactly what I will be working towards.

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  6. Go with grace and good fortune, dear faerie. I am personally counting down the seconds until 2013 is done and over. It's kinda just sucked for us on this end…but, a new year is a wonderful time for new beginnings.

    hugs,
    fiona

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    1. It was a pretty sucky year, wasn't it? But we survived, so lets both hold our heads high and make this year a better one :)

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  7. Sounds like you are refusing to be a door mat. Stand up, dust off the foot prints and try again. Finding balance is one of the hardest things for me.

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    1. Yanno...I never really thought I was being a doormat. I thought I was being a good wife and Mom. Guess I was too close to the situation to see it devolve into something other than that. Oh well, I know now and I am going to change it.

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  8. I am wishing you the best in the new year.

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    1. Thank you Angel Blue, I wish that for all of us.

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  9. You seem to have a good plan for the future that is the best for you. Good luck.

    FD

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    1. Thanks FD, I'm not sure how this will all work out, but, strangely enough, I'm not at all worried about it either.

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  10. Faerie ,
    Being selfish enough to take care of ourselves, first is such a hard mentality to enact..I'm so happy you have these new thoughts. Wishing you and yours, a most Happy New Year.

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    1. Thanks Bleuame, it does seem selfish and I'm sure it won't be an easy things to do. But, I will do it, this last year has taught me too much to wait any longer to make the changes I need to make.

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