Reflections

Traditionally, this is the time of year for reflection. A time of year when we review the past and plan for the future. I'm no different, except for the fact that I suck at planning for the future. I find it a somewhat futile past time, since I firmly believe, we are not promised tomorrow and should live for today.

As I look back, I vividly remember this time of year, last year. I remember telling a friend how I was dreading the coming of the new year. She posited that it was because I might be superstitious. That maybe the year 2013 was an issue for me. That wasn't it.

I'm not really a superstitious person. I have no problems with black cats, cracks in the side walk or ladders. Friday the 13? My first thought? Thank goodness it's Friday. No, it was not superstition that was making me dread the coming year, it was gut instinct.

I very much remember the growing dread, building within me, as the days of the year ticked by. I wanted to ignore it, I wanted to think I was just being a silly goose. Worrying for no good reason, about something I knew nothing about.

As the first few days came and went and nothing horrific happened, I tried so hard to convince myself that I needed to ignore that gut instinct that was so persistently predicting gloom and doom. That's when the phone rang. A phone call that would unleash a flood of visions, visions that would soon become reality. A reality that held an unreal, eerie, de ja vu quality to it.

The year would shape up to be one of the most challenging of my adult life. It would present challenges that I never thought to face. It would bring loss, of such dimensions, I am still trying to fathom. It would bring love, so vast, as to overcome the circumstances of her being.

I would lose so much of myself, in service to others, that it no longer fulfilled me as it used to do. I would spend inordinate amounts of time, mourning for what I had lost. Moments would come, when I would find it necessary to dig deep, pull myself out from the quagmire and just breathe. I would look for the lessons, yet find them to painful to learn. This last year has felt a bit like being stuck in quicksand. The harder I fight, the faster I go down.

Now, here we are, just a scant few hours from the new year. For the first time in 19 years it will start with a new moon. As someone of the fae persuasion, how can I possibly ignore that sign? My gut is telling me, this year will be as life changing as the last, but it will be up to me to make those changes.

I feel like this is the year I need to take my power back. I no longer believe that living as a submissive, on a day to day basis, is healthy for me. Oh, make no mistake, I'm still a masochist. I still crave the pain and domination that comes with the very rare opportunity for playtime. I am very much hoping those activities continue to grow and expand.

I just don't believe that I can continue to put him and everyone else, first in my life. This is going to be my year. The year that I make the positive changes in my life that I have needed to make for some time. I will put myself first this year. I will take care of myself. I will replace negative habits, with positive ones. I will move on, taking steps toward happiness.

I may no longer stop to consider how he feels, he may have to scramble to keep up with me, or he may have to let me go. That choice will be his to make. I have made mine. It's a gut instinct, I've learned not to ignore those.