I approach most situations with 100% commitment. I work hard, I play hard, I love hard. Full steam ahead for me is just the kind of person I am.
These last few weeks I can't seem to find the passion for life that I usually have. I've been quite unbalanced. I know it is all part of the grieving process and that time is what I need. Unfortunately, walking through life feeling like I'm being smothered in a wet blanket is no fun at all.
My lack of enthusiasm for anything has thrown Musicman for a bit of a loop too. He just doesn't know what to do to help me feel better. Unfortunately, he is starting to take it personally and react to me in ways that make the situation worse.
We had thought we were going to have Saturday evening all to ourselves. The kids were supposed to be gone for the whole night. Finally, some much needed privacy. A chance for me to let go and forget my sorrow for awhile. That did not happen.
Our daughter left, we thought for the night. One down, one to go and then let the games begin. Our son finally left and we had the house to ourselves, for all of 5 minutes. Our daughter came back with her boyfriend and his 2 young sons in tow. They came to swim. Okay, games on hold for a bit.
Unfortunately, by the time they left to take the boys back to their mother's house we knew she would be coming back soon. Not what we had planned, at all.
I know Musicman thought he was being helpful. I know he thought he was gonna give me some much needed relief from a currently pretty crummy reality. He turned on some music, he got out the magic paddle and approached me. Before he could say a word, I spoke up and told him it wasn't going to happen.
Ya see, there a times when fast and furious in a few moments of stolen time works quite well for us. This wasn't one of those times. It's been quite a few weeks now since any kind of D/s or kink has occurred, life has just not allowed for it. I knew that what he was proposing was not going to work for me this time, I was just way too wound up for that.
I think he was a bit shocked that I said no, I never say no. He didn't say anything, just put the paddle away and turned the music off. We resumed watching the movie we had been watching and not much else was said.
I slept badly Saturday night, even leaving our bed to sleep on a couch for most of the night. I never do that, I'm always supposed to be in his bed. Neither one of us was in the greatest of moods when we woke on Sunday. We spent the morning snapping at each other before he gave up in disgust and took a nap.
I of course felt ignored, misunderstood and unimportant. So as I spent the day alone doing chores my blood boiled hotter and hotter. I did write him an email attempting to explain with some sort of clarity what happened from my point of view. I sent the email, but since he did not get up in any better mood than he had laid down in, I didn't bother to tell him about the email.
A mostly silent evening ensued and he got up and left for work this morning without even speaking to me. I really dislike when he leaves for work without waking me up to say goodbye. I have to go in to work for just a few hours this afternoon myself. I'm not looking forward to it at all. I'm in a crappy mood and just want to lay in bed with the blanket over my head and pretend the world doesn't exist.
I feel like I'm drowning, the shore is no where in sight and I'm going down for the third time.