Uncomfortably Numb

When life gets tough I tend to write more. It helps me process the tangle of thoughts rolling around my head. Life has been really tough recently, but the internet has been out for most of the last few weeks and I haven't been able to write.

Another great way for me to relieve stress is through spanking and sex. Haven't had much of that going on lately either. Well, spanking that is, just haven't had any privacy. Sex has been plentiful enough, but I've been "in a funk", according to Musicman and it hasn't been as fulfilling as usual.

Musicman asks frequently, when is his faerie coming back? He says he misses her. To be honest, I miss her too, but I have no answer for that question. Ya' see, it's not just a funk I'm experiencing.

My brother lost his battle with cancer. He passed a week and a half ago. He had been doing okay, fighting hard, and was scheduled to have an appointment at one of the top cancer research hospital's in the country. Unfortunately, he had to deal with multiple blood clots throughout his battle, ultimately, that is what took his life.

I spent a week out of state helping make all the final arrangements and attending the funeral. Musicman came down for the last few days to attend the funeral. Due to the large amount of people travelling from out of state for the services we moved to a hotel once he arrived. He very thoughtfully brought my favorite paddle. He said he thought I would need it, I definitely did.

Unfortunately, there were family members in the rooms on either side of us. I quickly realized when I heard snoring coming from the next room the first night, that no stress relief was in sight for me. I'm pretty bold and would not have thought a thing of strangers possibly hearing us, but family is a totally different story.

Since we've been home, we've not had any privacy for a spanking either. The kids always seem to be underfoot. Our daughter is within weeks of delivering and does not get out much anymore. On the few occasion she does leave in the evening, our son is home. I'm seriously considering paying them to leave the house at the same time, cause both Musicman and I know what I need.

In the mean time, I kinda walk through my days in a haze. I only seem to have two emotions at the moment, tears or numbness. I prefer the numbness, I'm so tired of crying.  I know Musicman is frustrated, he wants to help me, he wants his faerie back. I want her back too, I just don't know when we will have the opportunity to lure her back.