Thursday, August 1, 2013

Uncomfortably Numb

When life gets tough I tend to write more. It helps me process the tangle of thoughts rolling around my head. Life has been really tough recently, but the internet has been out for most of the last few weeks and I haven't been able to write.

Another great way for me to relieve stress is through spanking and sex. Haven't had much of that going on lately either. Well, spanking that is, just haven't had any privacy. Sex has been plentiful enough, but I've been "in a funk", according to Musicman and it hasn't been as fulfilling as usual.

Musicman asks frequently, when is his faerie coming back? He says he misses her. To be honest, I miss her too, but I have no answer for that question. Ya' see, it's not just a funk I'm experiencing.

My brother lost his battle with cancer. He passed a week and a half ago. He had been doing okay, fighting hard, and was scheduled to have an appointment at one of the top cancer research hospital's in the country. Unfortunately, he had to deal with multiple blood clots throughout his battle, ultimately, that is what took his life.

I spent a week out of state helping make all the final arrangements and attending the funeral. Musicman came down for the last few days to attend the funeral. Due to the large amount of people travelling from out of state for the services we moved to a hotel once he arrived. He very thoughtfully brought my favorite paddle. He said he thought I would need it, I definitely did.

Unfortunately, there were family members in the rooms on either side of us. I quickly realized when I heard snoring coming from the next room the first night, that no stress relief was in sight for me. I'm pretty bold and would not have thought a thing of strangers possibly hearing us, but family is a totally different story.

Since we've been home, we've not had any privacy for a spanking either. The kids always seem to be underfoot. Our daughter is within weeks of delivering and does not get out much anymore. On the few occasion she does leave in the evening, our son is home. I'm seriously considering paying them to leave the house at the same time, cause both Musicman and I know what I need.

In the mean time, I kinda walk through my days in a haze. I only seem to have two emotions at the moment, tears or numbness. I prefer the numbness, I'm so tired of crying.  I know Musicman is frustrated, he wants to help me, he wants his faerie back. I want her back too, I just don't know when we will have the opportunity to lure her back.

24 comments:

  1. Faerie,
    I'm so very sorry about your brother. There are no real word I can say to make it better. I'm glad your brother is not suffering any longer, and i wish I could say the same for you and all your family. At our age, we know things will get better, but that doesn't help at the moment.

    Your kids know all you've been going through. Maybe you could just tell them you need some time alone to talk and maybe pay for them to go to dinner and a movie. I think it would be worth it. The take the phone off the hook and enjoy the time.

    I'm thinking of you. I don't want to give you more to do, but please post when you can. You know we care.

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    1. Thanks PK, I do know things will get better, I just can't seem to shake the numbness that engulfs me right now. Hopefully soon we will have the opportunity to do something about that.

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  2. Oh faerie, I am truly sorry for your loss.

    I think PK's idea about the kids was great. It's worth a try, right?

    I if you ever wanna chat, you know how to reach me.

    It won't all be better tomorrow, but it will get better.
    Hugs.

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    1. Thanks lil, unfortunately I have experienced this kind of loss before and know that it will get better. Past experience did not make this time any easier though. It just really sucks right now, and not being able to connect well with Musicman isn't helping the situation.

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  3. I am so sorry to hear about your brother. Grief is a process, it will take time. I second PK's suggestion...do it before that babe gets here. I bet having that baby around...will they be staying with you..will be an unexpected blessing.
    hugs abby

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    1. Thank you abby, I'm working on a plan for some alone time. It won't make things all better, but even a few moments of mindless bliss would help some.

      Yes, my daughter is living with us and has no immediate plans to move out. Having the baby here will definitely help. If I can't have any spanking therapy, cuddle therapy here I come.

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  4. I am so very sorry to hear about your brother. There isn't anything I can say that will make it better. I wish I had words of wisdom or comfort to give you some peace. I will keep you all in my thoughts.
    I hear you on the privacy. Why not go rent a room if you cannot get the kids to leave for a while? It would help I am sure.

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    1. Thank you Minelle, just being able to get it out here helps some. The support of friends is very much appreciated.

      I don't know what we will do about the lack of privacy, but something has to give soon or I may have a total melt down. That would not be a good thing.

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  5. Hugs hon am so sorry you lost your brother. I hope you get to feeling better soon. Trazure now at justhissubwife.blogspot.com

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    1. Thanks Angel, when I have some time I will be by to check out your new blog :)

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  6. All I can say I am sorry about the loss of your brother. And give yourself time to grieve. All your blogger friends are wishing you the best.

    FD

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    1. Thank you FD, this definitely ranks as one of the hardest things I've ever had to do. Unfortunately, at this point, there is nothing more for me to do but grieve.

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  7. Faerie,

    I wish you peace to bring comfort, courage to face the days ahead and loving memories to forever hold in your hearts.

    HUGS,
    fiona

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    1. Thank you Fiona, that is quite a lovely wish and I appreciate all the support.

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  8. Faerie,
    I'm so sorry to hear the news about your brother. May your memories of good times with him give you some comfort. I hope that you and Musicman get some time alone very soon.
    Take care,
    Meg

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    1. Thank you Meg, I know alone time with Musicman won't make the grief go away, but a short respite from it is possible and would really help me continue to deal with the loss.

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  9. Dear Faerie, i'm so sorry for the loss of your brother. Hoping you get some alone time with Musicman soon! [i can so relate to that need.}
    sophia

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    1. I'm so glad you can relate. It seems a bit silly to think that being faced with this amount of grief can be helped through a spanking, but that has been a wonderful stress relief for me in the past. It can, at the very least, provide a bit of time where I can escape from the painful reality of his loss. I really need that right now.

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  10. Faerie, I'm so sorry about your deep loss. I have known loss, but not of a sibling. Both my brothers have had some scarey health issues recently. My little brother had a CT scan yesterday, which fortunately was clear. My siblings and I are all in our 50s now. I can't immagine what it would feel like to lose them. I am praying that God will help you and all those who love him, get through the pain and loss. I pray that God will give you all that you need, including the time you need with Musicman. Love and prayers, -Belle L.

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    1. I'm so happy things went well with your brother. I never imagined bury my baby brother, at just 39, would be something I had to do. It still seems like a very bad dream I can't wake up from.

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  11. I a, so sorry for your loss. May you and your family be blessed with comfort, strength and peace of mind during this difficult time.
    And may you, Faerie, be blessed with a spanking.
    Hugs

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    1. Thank you Sarah, I sincerely hope your blessings come true, and soon.

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  12. Sending love and hugs. I truly hope you find some privacy soon to allow yourself to let go for a moment and escape into another world. Thinking of you...

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    1. Thanks Terpsichore, it hasn't happened yet :(

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