Thursday, August 15, 2013

The Pretense of Life

I'm feeling very lost and alone. At this moment in time, I'm having major doubts about who I am and what I want from this life.

It's been almost 6 weeks since my last spanking. I realize that part of the reason for that is because I spent about half of last month out of state with my brother and his family. As hard as it has been to deal with losing my brother, I would not have stayed home for anything in this world.

Connecting on any kind of level with Musicman has been quite sparse also. It's been over a week since we came together for any kind of playtime. That has nothing to do with my brother and everything to do with my kids. My ADULT kids.

I knew when I made the choice to become a mother that I was essentially consenting to give up my own wants and needs for my kids. I had no problem with that because I knew, eventually, if I did my job right they would grow up to be productive, independent human beings.

My kids have not quite been able to achieve that yet, and yes, they are very quick to place all the blame for that on me. I've really been trying hard to breathe deeply and release the negative. I've been trying very hard to embrace the positive and remember that this too shall pass.

Unfortunately, that isn't quite working as well as I would like. I carry my stress in my jaws. I clench my teeth 24/7 when the stress gets very bad. My lower molars are now deeply embedded in my upper molars and the resultant headaches caused from that are excruciating. I've woken every day this week with sharp, piercing pain shooting through my head, radiating out from my jaws.

I very much feel as if I'm a train wreck just waiting to occur. It seems, as hard as I try to stop that from happening, the train just continues to barrel out of control down the tracks. I'm truly not a control freak. I don't feel the need to be in control of everything at every moment, but I'll be damned if I'm going to give up control of my life to my kids. Have I mentioned that they are adults?

They like to remind me all the time of that fact. They also insist that they are quite capable of making their own decisions and deserve to live their lives the way they want. I agree with this, to a point. They live in my home, on my dime and think they know everything. They aren't open to hearing my opinions or suggestions and they certainly don't stop to consider how the decisions and choices they are making effect me.

I've come to realize that, to them, I am not a human being with my own needs or wants. To them, I am just a part of the woodwork. I get up and go to work to earn the money that supports and provides for them. I come home to cook, clean and do laundry, but I better not open my mouth and express any kind of frustration or stress because they don't want to hear it.

Unfortunately, I'm not feeling at all supported by Musicman either. He always was a much better parent then me. His focus right now is on the kids and as long I meet all his needs, in addition to everyone else's, he's good to go.

So, that's about how life has been going for me lately, I'm just a part of the wood work. No one stops to think about what I might want or need, and I am totally stumped as to how to change that. Yes, I have thought about running away, cause after awhile, when things start to fall apart, they might notice that I'm no longer here. Of course, I've made no firm decisions, but, ya never know, I just might do that. Cause what I currently have, is not what I want and who I am pretending to be, is just that, a pretense.





22 comments:

  1. I think the kids need a reality check and if MM is not on your side, he needs one also. Going away for a few days might be just what you need to get back some of yourself.

    I wish you luck and my heart hurts for you. Hugs

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    1. I totally agree, if I have to deal with my current reality, they should too.

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  2. I'm so sorry you're struggling! When I stress out I'm a terrible jaw clencher and have cracked two teeth. My dentist had me focus on closing my eyes for a moment and open my mouth slightly. Stay there until the tension eases in my jaw. I do this about a hundred times a day and its helped a lot. My teeth rarely hurt now.

    My thoughts on the kids are that if they're under mom's roof they are under mom's rule. Adults have no right to walk over people who are putting a roof over their heads. Now if they are tenants, paying rent and utilities and buying their own food... That's different. But even then respect is huge.

    Hugs!!!!

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    1. I've broken several teeth over the years due to the clenching. I do a few different stretches to try and relieve the pain, unfortunately, at the moment, nothing much is working.

      As for the kids, I feel the exact same way, my house, my rules. They do not pay rent or utilities or for food. The current level of disrespect has pushed me over the edge.

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  3. Sorry you are having a tough time. Nothing you describe sounds fair.
    Free food and board, doesn't mean a free ride. I left home when I was eighteen and never went back. All I wanted was my independence and not to be a burden. The cost of living these days means kids don't fly the nest and take stuff for granted. I would hate to think it would take you to take some time off for them to learn that lesson, but maybe you need to make a point.
    I suffer with inflamed jaw joints, years of clenching. Cranial osteopath worked wonders for me. Gone from being a major problem to minor one.
    Hope your issues are resolved.
    hugs
    DF

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    1. Yeah, I left home at 17 and never looked back. I am happy that my kids don't feel the need to escape that I felt, but enough is enough already.

      I've never heard of a cranial osteopath, but may have to just try and find one, soon.

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  4. ((((HUGS)))))

    Maybe a couple of days away - a break? And make sure you do things everyday that are purely for you and not for serving everyone else? They can be little things - a long bubbly bath, an hour reading a new library book, some special chocolate, etc.

    Also, if your children are adults, in my opinion they should be contributing to the house financially and/or by helping out with chores etc.
    Would calling a family meeting help? You could explain what you're prepared to do - i.e., not do laundry for them unless you're financially recompensed or they do some of your other chores for you, like the dishes or cooking some nights?

    Also a family meeting might make the imbalances and injustices more apparent to Music Man?

    Just suggestions, it's horrible to feel unnoticed and unappreciated and taken for granted xxx

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    1. Oh, I could so use a few days away for a break. Seems like the whole summer has passed me by without any time to take a break.

      Everyone is steering clear of me at the moment. I believe they understand, if only for a short time, that they pushed me too far. The kids know what is expected of them,, they just get lazy, then I get irritable. Not a great combination.

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  5. Awwww, Faerie, I'm sorry. You are in a tough situation. Everything I was going to suggest has already been suggest by those ^^^^^^ awesome ladies :)
    Don't give up, but definitely make some changes.

    Hugs!!!!

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    1. As far as tough situations go, this summer seems to be filled with them for me. I know sometimes that is just the way life goes, but I've definitely hit my limit. I won't give up, ultimately, I'm a survivor.

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  6. Faerie,
    I really wish I could say something that could make things better for you. It would be easy to say 'Tell'em this' or 'demand that'. But as much as you might want to most people just can't throw your kids out on the street. Can you make a date with Musicman away from the house so you can decide what you both do agree on and how to get it? I think you could both agree on:

    YOU should always be shown respect.
    They can do their own laundry/cooking and clean up after themselves.

    And a few more thing, no tons but a few important one that you agree on and that Musicman agrees to back you on. I want you and Musicman to be happy friend.

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    1. I'm not sure that I remember what happy feels like right now, but I'm determined to keep working towards it. I'm not sure why my kids think they can walk on me, that has never been acceptable to me. Obviously, I'm not sure about a lot of things right now. I guess with all the changes currently happening that is normal, even if I really dislike it.

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  7. i'm so sorry you're going through this.

    i've been reading you for a long time, and know how much you want to do the right thing, for your family, for Musicman, and for yourself. Only you can decide what you need to do, and i don't want to be anything but supportive. So i ask these questions tentatively:

    Is it really helpful for your children to be allowed to take you for granted and use you up? i mean, clearly, that's not helpful for you, but is it the best thing for them, what they really need right now?

    When you're in a crappy situation that you can't change, how do you take care of yourself? What things do you do to make it bearable?

    Are there beliefs you have about yourself, or others, that get in the way of setting limits with your kids? If so, do you know what the beliefs are? And finally, if you know what they are, are the beliefs fact-based? Do you believe them with your head or your heart?

    i'm holding you and your family in my heart, faerie, and hoping that where you are right now leads you to where you need to be in your life journey.

    sofia

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    1. Thank you sofia. You have asked some very pertinent and important questions. I am still thinking about the answers and most likely will for awhile.

      One of the things I have realized is that I don't do enough to take care of myself during situations like this. I am going to work on that :)

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  8. A little advice for dealing with those kids. Sit down first with MM and write out some reasonable house rules and boundaries. Include responsibilities (chores) for all. After you have worked this out sit the kids down and let them know that mom is NOT a door mat and that you are not responsible for their continuing happiness. If they want to live in your home they have to follow some reasonable rules or move out.

    A little tuff love now will make life easier in the long run. Hang in there. I have an adult kid that is refusing to leave the nest too. Yikes. I am getting ready to act like a momma bird and push her out.

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    1. Thanks for the advice DR and good luck with your adult kid. I've done all that, they have just been lax about things. Taking advantage of the fact that I haven't been on my game due to family things regarding my brother occupying my thoughts. I've always been such a strong woman, and a private woman, they rarely ever see me struggle. I guess that may not have been the best way to handle things, but it's what happened.

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  9. running away to escape the madness - how 'bout Hawaii - wouldn't it be lovely - a little vacation by the beach - all the problems would still be waiting upon returning unless they magically resolved themselves (wouldn't that be nice) but at least for a little bit - a moment in time - there could be quiet, repose, relaxation, stillness... Okay, sorry this is not helping - but sometimes it is nice ot daydream when real life is not cooperating. I am sorry life is so challenging for you at the moment and I am sending love and light and friendship and hugs and positive energy and chocolate and strength and more chocolate...whatever will help get through this time. Love, Terps

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    1. Hawaii sounds absolutely perfect, wanna go with? We could just leave all the problems behind, eat chocolate for awhile and then when we are all rested and rejuvenated, come home and kick some butt, lol.

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  10. Love must be tough.

    I know nothing about your details of the situation, but are you possibly enabling your "kids" to continue to act helpless?

    If it were me I'd set a deadline for them to move out and I'd help them pack. They needs jobs and independence. They resent YOU because deep inside they know they should be on their own.

    Take back your power and your dignity.

    Discuss it. Plan it. Declare it. Then don't back down. They will respect you for it!


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    1. I've thought many a time about whether my actions are enabling their behavior. I'm pretty sure that is called Mommy guilt, lol. As for the rest of what you said, I agree, but am finding it much easier said then done at this time. I will continue to work on it though, as the situation allows.

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  11. Amen to what Stormy said!

    I hope that things get better for you soon.

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    1. Thanks lil, I hope so too and since I will definitely continue to work on it, I know I will eventually find an answer.

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