The Pretense of Life

I'm feeling very lost and alone. At this moment in time, I'm having major doubts about who I am and what I want from this life.

It's been almost 6 weeks since my last spanking. I realize that part of the reason for that is because I spent about half of last month out of state with my brother and his family. As hard as it has been to deal with losing my brother, I would not have stayed home for anything in this world.

Connecting on any kind of level with Musicman has been quite sparse also. It's been over a week since we came together for any kind of playtime. That has nothing to do with my brother and everything to do with my kids. My ADULT kids.

I knew when I made the choice to become a mother that I was essentially consenting to give up my own wants and needs for my kids. I had no problem with that because I knew, eventually, if I did my job right they would grow up to be productive, independent human beings.

My kids have not quite been able to achieve that yet, and yes, they are very quick to place all the blame for that on me. I've really been trying hard to breathe deeply and release the negative. I've been trying very hard to embrace the positive and remember that this too shall pass.

Unfortunately, that isn't quite working as well as I would like. I carry my stress in my jaws. I clench my teeth 24/7 when the stress gets very bad. My lower molars are now deeply embedded in my upper molars and the resultant headaches caused from that are excruciating. I've woken every day this week with sharp, piercing pain shooting through my head, radiating out from my jaws.

I very much feel as if I'm a train wreck just waiting to occur. It seems, as hard as I try to stop that from happening, the train just continues to barrel out of control down the tracks. I'm truly not a control freak. I don't feel the need to be in control of everything at every moment, but I'll be damned if I'm going to give up control of my life to my kids. Have I mentioned that they are adults?

They like to remind me all the time of that fact. They also insist that they are quite capable of making their own decisions and deserve to live their lives the way they want. I agree with this, to a point. They live in my home, on my dime and think they know everything. They aren't open to hearing my opinions or suggestions and they certainly don't stop to consider how the decisions and choices they are making effect me.

I've come to realize that, to them, I am not a human being with my own needs or wants. To them, I am just a part of the woodwork. I get up and go to work to earn the money that supports and provides for them. I come home to cook, clean and do laundry, but I better not open my mouth and express any kind of frustration or stress because they don't want to hear it.

Unfortunately, I'm not feeling at all supported by Musicman either. He always was a much better parent then me. His focus right now is on the kids and as long I meet all his needs, in addition to everyone else's, he's good to go.

So, that's about how life has been going for me lately, I'm just a part of the wood work. No one stops to think about what I might want or need, and I am totally stumped as to how to change that. Yes, I have thought about running away, cause after awhile, when things start to fall apart, they might notice that I'm no longer here. Of course, I've made no firm decisions, but, ya never know, I just might do that. Cause what I currently have, is not what I want and who I am pretending to be, is just that, a pretense.