Thursday, August 29, 2013

Baby Steps Count

I believe the first step to correcting a problem is acknowledging the problem. Ya can't fix what ya can't accept. Of course, acknowledging and accepting, do not automatically mean things are fixed. No, there is definitely more work involved.

Once the problem is identified, an answer must be sought. Once the answer is found, I must be able to articulate the help I need to take the forward steps required. I'm not finding that so easy, it's just so much easier to hide.

I strongly agree with this: https://gtnow.co/e18d6

Yes, I admit that I have been building walls. And, he's been letting me.

Yes, I did kinda tell him that he needed to back off some. I may have even mentioned a time or two that this wasn't about him. Well, it wasn't. I needed some time and space to be with my family. I knew I only had a limited time with my brother's immediate family before having to go back to my own home and my own life, I needed to be with them for as long as I possibly could be.

I also admit that once I did get back home, I actively shut him out. I did not necessarily want his comfort those first few weeks. I just wanted to be left alone. I wanted to wallow for awhile in the pain and despair that I was feeling. I did not want life to go on as normal.

I guess I got what I asked for, cause he is definitely letting me build walls. D/s as we knew it, has pretty much ceased to exist. Yes, part of the problem is the fact that we have no privacy. But D/s was never just about the spanking.

We never had hard and fast rules, but there were things that I did just to make him happy. Such as shaving the lady parts, such a pain to do, but he always liked it. Or, wearing dresses sans panties. Okay, so that I liked, but I started doing it way back when for him, and he used to appreciate it.

That all seems to be gone now. I don't shave, he doesn't seem to notice. I don't wear a dress or skirt and do wear undies, he says nothing. There are no fly by swatting's occurring, no groping as I walk by. About the most we seem to be able to manage is holding hands in the evening while we watch TV. Yes, it's sweet and comforting, but I'm so past sweet and comforting now.

Let's not even talk about the lack of blowjobs. I do believe I am in jeopardy of losing my membership to the cock worshipping sub club. I can very honestly say that in the time since we've returned home, I can count on one hand the number of times I've given him one and have the majority of my fingers left. Not good. He suggested I give him one a few weeks ago. I wasn't in the mood so I ignored his suggestion. He did nothing about that either.

I know he is not going to force me to do these things. That's just not who he is. That of course means it is up to me to fix this situation. I'm trying, but it's not going as well as I would like. It's just so easy to expend all my energy at work and taking care of the home and the kids and everything else.

I'm not gonna give up, I'll keep trying to get back what I pushed away. Maybe, just maybe he will be willing to meet me half way. A girl can hope, right?






19 comments:

  1. I'm sure MM will do whatever he can to make you happy. You just have to let him.

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    1. He does always say he just wants me to be happy. Now I just need to figure out what that is since he isn't making any attempts to figure it out.

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    2. It's up to you to figure it out. It's your happiness you are both seeking.

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    3. I know, I'm working on figuring it out. It would just be so much easier sometimes if he could read my mind. Yes, I know that isn't gonna happen, but it would be immensely helpful if he could.

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  2. I would be willing to bet if you took the first step, he would quickly catch on and take the second and third. You've been through a lot in the last few months, let him know you are ready....
    hugs abby

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    1. You are most likely right, I suppose there was a small part of me that wanted him to read my mind. Yeah, like that ever works, lol.

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  3. Would you be able to thank him for giving you the space you needed when you asked for it, and let him know that space is no longer helping you but you need him to help you get back to where you both want to be?

    Maybe if he knows that, he will start 'making' you and doing things about the things you're not doing and all that, but he wasn't going to push you when it could have been emotionally damaging for you?

    (((hugs)))

    or if talking to him is too hard, just ask him to read this blog post? xx

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    1. I'm sure he didn't push because he could see how fragile I've been feeling. That's one of the benefits of having this place to write it all out, that helps me work everything through so much. Another benefit of this blog is that he reads every post, he sees it as an insight into my head and what's going on with me. He rarely ever says anything about what I write, but he always responds.

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    1. Thanks a b it of luck would not go amiss right now.

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  5. This won't be easy in your near future. I know things are happening that neither of you can control and privacy is going to be even more scarce. But you just can't give up - you can't. I look up to you in many ways. I've done what you're doing and I often feel in danger of it all being lost. I don't want to see my friends there. Not much advice here, but I need you to keep trying.

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    1. I won't give up. I may think about it, I may even say I am giving up, but that never lasts. Reality is, giving up is just not in my DNA. This lifestyle makes me very happy, how could I ever give that up?

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  6. Yes, baby steps definitely count...you will find your way back together...I have to believe that... :-) Hugs!

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    1. I believe we will, I just need to be patient and clear about what exactly it is I want and need. I'm working on that.

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  7. I do think that we all need to acknowledge when it is hard to be close. Know one is perfect. You are healing and need time to repair.That doesn't mean that you should stop trying completely. Maybe you could give yourself small goals each day or week?
    I am sure you will both find your way.

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    1. Small goals is a good idea, thinking about ALL of it and trying to get it back seems very overwhelming right now. Especially since we so rarely have any privacy.

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  8. All steps count...keep trying. But talk to him too...tell him that you need him to meet you half way. NEED - not want! Ask. It's humbling and makes you vulnerable to voice your needs, but he'll be there!

    hugs,
    fiona

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    1. I'm just happy to finally be taking any steps at all, there were definitely few weeks when I didn't. I suppose that is normal considering all the major changes we have going on. I believe he is happy that I am starting to make an effort to deal with everything again too.

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  9. It sounds like the two of you have some communicating that needs to happen. I hate when I've been stuck in this sort of place. Talking to him, reaching for him, has always been my way out.

    Sara

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