I believe the first step to correcting a problem is acknowledging the problem. Ya can't fix what ya can't accept. Of course, acknowledging and accepting, do not automatically mean things are fixed. No, there is definitely more work involved.
Once the problem is identified, an answer must be sought. Once the answer is found, I must be able to articulate the help I need to take the forward steps required. I'm not finding that so easy, it's just so much easier to hide.
Yes, I admit that I have been building walls. And, he's been letting me.
Yes, I did kinda tell him that he needed to back off some. I may have even mentioned a time or two that this wasn't about him. Well, it wasn't. I needed some time and space to be with my family. I knew I only had a limited time with my brother's immediate family before having to go back to my own home and my own life, I needed to be with them for as long as I possibly could be.
I also admit that once I did get back home, I actively shut him out. I did not necessarily want his comfort those first few weeks. I just wanted to be left alone. I wanted to wallow for awhile in the pain and despair that I was feeling. I did not want life to go on as normal.
I guess I got what I asked for, cause he is definitely letting me build walls. D/s as we knew it, has pretty much ceased to exist. Yes, part of the problem is the fact that we have no privacy. But D/s was never just about the spanking.
We never had hard and fast rules, but there were things that I did just to make him happy. Such as shaving the lady parts, such a pain to do, but he always liked it. Or, wearing dresses sans panties. Okay, so that I liked, but I started doing it way back when for him, and he used to appreciate it.
That all seems to be gone now. I don't shave, he doesn't seem to notice. I don't wear a dress or skirt and do wear undies, he says nothing. There are no fly by swatting's occurring, no groping as I walk by. About the most we seem to be able to manage is holding hands in the evening while we watch TV. Yes, it's sweet and comforting, but I'm so past sweet and comforting now.
Let's not even talk about the lack of blowjobs. I do believe I am in jeopardy of losing my membership to the cock worshipping sub club. I can very honestly say that in the time since we've returned home, I can count on one hand the number of times I've given him one and have the majority of my fingers left. Not good. He suggested I give him one a few weeks ago. I wasn't in the mood so I ignored his suggestion. He did nothing about that either.
I know he is not going to force me to do these things. That's just not who he is. That of course means it is up to me to fix this situation. I'm trying, but it's not going as well as I would like. It's just so easy to expend all my energy at work and taking care of the home and the kids and everything else.
I'm not gonna give up, I'll keep trying to get back what I pushed away. Maybe, just maybe he will be willing to meet me half way. A girl can hope, right?