All I can Do Is...SIGH!!!

It's late at night as I sit here at his computer. I shouldn't be sitting here, it will cause me pain. I don't care much about the pain right now. I can't sleep, I'm feeling a bit lost.

So much on my mind and yet, no focus to write. Part of that is because I haven't been able to write, read, or comment. That should be fixed soon. He finally agreed to let me take my computer to get fixed. I deleted all the stuff he didn't want  anyone to see and tomorrow it goes to the computer hospital for a virusectomy or whatever else it needs. Hopefully, it doesn't take too long to recover.

This is not the best time of year for me and not being able to write has only made things worse. Of course, if I want to feel like my problems are insignificant, all I need to do is turn on the news. I see heartbreak everywhere.

Young men in pain, young children dying. A society with it's head buried in the sand. People are hurting and we turn them away because they can't pay. This makes me so sad. We don't pay attention until something really bad happens. We ask ourselves why, but no answer is to be had. The answer is allusive, it's different for everyone. We talk about a solution, but come to no conclusions.

I'm on overload and feel no relief in sight. That's nothing to do with him. He remains stalwart and strong. Cirumstances being what they are, he's doing pretty damn good. Life just gets complicated sometimes. All I can do is sigh...sigh.

Something I've Never Done Before

Wanna play a game?

Wow, that's some wild kinda hair!

If you look real close you can see some of my ink.

Daisy dukes and do me boots!

He won't let me wear these boots out of the house!

I have no idea why!

Hmmmm....is that a leather paddle?

Wonder what could be in my future?


Things here in my world are a bit of a mess. My computer isn't working at all well. I'm frustrated.  Writing has helped me so much and I feel as if  I've been silenced.  I can't really read or comment and am feeling a bit lost. I miss my friends and the opportunity to join the conversation.  It feels like I have no voice. I don't like that much, but, it's a reality I have to deal with for the moment.

My back is just starting to calm down, but every day life takes priority over writing. I have to live my life, not just write about it. I can't do both right now without debilitating pain. That's not a good thing.  The good part is playtime helps the pain go away. Thank goodness that continues uninterrupted.

Issues with the kids remain front and center. Being a Mom sucks sometimes. My kids continue to break my heart.  I continue to hang strong and when I feel weak I turn to Musicman for help. I'm grateful that he always has my back.

Experience tells me, we will get through this. I just don't don't know where it will leave us. Undoubtedly, stronger for having survived. I'm grateful for that.




  

 

Women

I'm a woman. I love being a woman. The only thing about men I envy is their ability to pee standing up. It seems so much easier: unzip, flip it out, pee, shake, tuck, your done. What's not to envy about that? So much easier then trying to manage layers of underclothing and hover at the same time.

Being a woman has it's downsides. Monthly menstrual cycles, migraines and debilitating cramps come to mind. Flying hormones, racing thoughts and the need to care for every one in my atmosphere come to mind. Yet, I wouldn't give up being a woman for anything in this world. After all, the fact that I can have multiple orgasms is nothing to sneeze at. We'll talk about subspace later.

Women confound me, I just don't understand them. I have spent my entire career surrounded by women. They disgust me. They bitch. They whine. They moan. I don't understand this. What is the point of wasting your energy doing those things? Why is the energy not focused on finding a solution to the problem?

These women are bitter, they spew negative energy in waves. They are painful to be around and make me ashamed to be a woman.  I spend all my energies trying to protect myself from them. Though I'm forced to work with them, I interact with them as little as possible. I bury myself in my work and get through the day by keeping busy. They criticize me for that. I ignore them.

I also observe, and I've  noticed one thing over the years about these women. These women don't have a strong partner in their lives. Someone they can connect with, someone who builds them up and gives them the strength to face the day. Someone who feeds her soul.

It's not about equality. I don't want to be a man. I don't want to do it all, by myself. I want the partner that will shore up my weaknesses. I want the partner that fills my needs. I want the partner that covers all my flaws, has my back. I want a partner that gives and takes, because sometimes I need to be taken.

For that partner, I will shore up his weaknesses. For that partner, I will fill his needs. I will cover all his flaws, I will have his back, For that partner, I will give and take, whatever he needs.


I'm so grateful that after a long day spent with women, I have a strong partner to come home to.


A quick update: My computers dead, my back is in spasms and I miss talking with ya'll so much. You aren't like these women that piss me off. You get it, and I appreciate that. We're still working on it, hopefully soon we will have some good luck with it.

Confusion a Catalyst for Change

Sex is a funny thing, it can involve our deepest emotions or no emotions at all. It has the power to devastate and wound, or to build trust and enable growth. My earliest experiences devastated and wounded me. My recent experiences have built trust and provided me opportunities for growth.

Dominance and submission can be a part of sex or nothing at all to do with it. It's been a mix for me. D/s outside the bedroom has been an integral part of my relationship for my entire relationship, it just works for us. Introducing D/s into the bedroom has been a way for us to explore ourselves and each other.

It's opened doors I never even thought to stand in front of, much less go through. Contemplating a threesome is just one of those doors that D/s has brought me too. It's open and we are standing at that threshold together. I find that awesome and comforting all at the same time.

If we should choose to take a step forward, it will be done together. It is something I would likely do to please him. To fulfill his fantasies, if that's what he really wants. It's not something I ever worry about him forcing me into in any way.  That's not what D/s is about for us, it's about freedom.

I've found freedom in D/s, it's a dynamic that feels natural and normal for me. It represents a side of myself that for one reason or another I often suppressed. I no longer have any reason to do that and I'm loving it. Not only do I get to be more authentically me, but so does he. I know he has suppressed some of his naturally dominant inclinations in the past and I know much of that is because of me. He no longer has any reason to do that.

I sometimes find the things he proposes confusing, but confusion in this instance isn't necessarily a bad thing. In this instance it is a catalyst for growth, never a bad thing.  I do tend to be an over thinker, and this topic has been no exception. I'm just grateful I have some place to come and work through the confusion.

I have no idea where this fantasy of his will take us, he may not know for sure either. That's okay, it's something we will figure out together to both of our satisfaction. At this point, we are at the very beginning of that road and aren't in any hurry to traverse it.  We're going to take our time, maybe some side trips to check out the scenery, or points of interest. The journey really is more fun then the destination and we travel well together. 

New and Confused

My computer is still not fixed, but I'm coping as best I can for the moment. Everyone seems quite interested in this new direction he sometimes takes things. I mentioned briefly in a previous post that he has begun narrating very detailed scenarios during playtime. Scenarios that have made me think of things, want things, that I've never thought about or wanted before. He doesn't do it all the time, just on occasion, but it is becoming more frequent.

I"ll admit that these scenarios definitely turn me on some, but they also confuse me, for many reasons. The first time he did it I was surprised, but once I thought about it more I realized I shouldn't have been. I've actually known about these fantasies of his for most of our relationship. I just never paid them all that much attention, cause they never seemed doable to me.

His fantasy, the detailed narratives he gives me, are scenarios involving a third person. Sometimes it's another guy, but most often it's another woman. The man has a slight obsession with seeing me with another woman. As I said, I've known about this for a long time but never paid it much attention and never considered it as something he might actually want to pursue.

He says he likes the idea of me being with two men, but that it will never happen because he doesn't want to get his junk that close to another guys. His words, not mine. I've never been with more then one man at a time, and never really wanted too. It's not like I haven't had the opportunity in the past, I just never took it. But, the way he describes it, in detail, when he's got me all worked up?  Ummm...yeah, it so works for me.

There is one problem with that though. I've been monogamous for almost three decades now. I haven't even thought about the possibility of being with anyone other then him in so long. Realistically, I don't think I could do it. I can appreciate a good looking man when I see one, but there is no urge or thought at all about being with them. Unless of course, I count Trace Adkins and Tony Stewart, I'd do either one of them in a heartbeat. That's also rather easy to say since chances of that actually ever happening are slim to none.

Then there are the times he talks about me being with a woman. I got big issues with that one. I'm not sexually attracted to women in any way. I've never even kissed a female, ever. Yet, he has very detailed scenarios that he shares with me, and they do seem to turn me on, in the moment. In the light of day, when I think back over it, can't even imagine it. Have I mentioned that I'm finding this all quite confusing?

We've had some great talks about it. When I express doubts, he assures me this is just a fantasy, that it won't really ever happen. Yeah...I'm not so sure I believe that. First of all, I would like for him to be able to fulfill his fantasies. Doing this for him is a strong pull for me, and what happens if I actually get to a place where I can imagine something like this happening?

Judging from the amount of detail he gives, this is something he has thought quite a bit about. I'm just flat out confused about the whole situation. I like it when he does it, which is occurring more and more often, but it raises a lot of questions for me. Unfortunately, I'm not really finding any answers to my questions.

Tidbits from a Frustrated Lurker

Yep, I'm the frustrated lurker. My computer is still not working right. Musicman spent quite a bit of time working on it Sunday. It's no better, in fact, it's worse. I can't access my e-mail or blogger or facebook any more. That's about all I use my computer for, so, I'm a bit lost without it. It frustrates me, and the urge to toss it into a wall is almost too much.

I can use Musicman's computer, but my time on it is limited. Plus, it's a desktop computer. That means I have to sit on a hard chair, which aggravates a back condition and leaves me in quite a bit of pain. Not the good kind of pain either. Plus, his keyboard is kinda gross. I want my laptop back. Any suggestions on how to fix it would be greatly appreciated.

I had an interesting weekend. One filled with weird kinda things, at least for me. We had Musicman's work Christmas party Saturday night. He told me I couldn't wear, my "do me" boots. He said, "the crowd is too vanilla for them."

It was a vanilla crowd, a bunch of redneck farmers really, yet, there was one man who decided he could disguise grabbing my ass by body slamming me into the bar. I guess that's what I get for wearing a mini skirt. It surprised me just a little bit because no one ever really messes with me when we are out. Musicman is usually on guard for those kind of things. He holds me close and makes sure everyone knows I'm his possession.

We finished the night with some wonderful playtime involving the magic paddle. Sunday morning started with a blowjob for him. So, when later I wasn't feeling very well, I really thought it was subdrop. Turns out it was the flu and I've just gotten out of bed after being sick for 2 1/2 days.

Musicman informed me last night that we could have gone to the strip club with some of his vanilla co-workers after the party. I admit to being happy that we chose to come to home and play, but, I do wonder about going to a strip club.

I've never been to one and admit to being somewhat curious about them. Musicman always says he's not interested in going to a club where he has to pay for the privilege of having a woman dance for him or show him her tits when he can get that for free at home. The fact that he says this to me while fondling me in front of the mirror just reinforces that. However, I would love the chance to dance on a pole. I think that might be the real reason he won't take me to a strip club.

Friday night featured a different direction he is taking things. One I haven't written much about yet, because, I'm still trying to digest all of it. It's a direction that I should have seen coming, but chose to ignore over the years. He's expanding my horizons, but confusing me at the same time.

I'd like to write more, explore more in this direction he is taking us, but, computer issues prevent that. Hopefully soon I will get my computer fixed and can explore that some more. Until then I will continue to  lurk and write when I can and hope ya'll understand.

Part 2...or A Talented Man

One of the things I've realized about subspace is, while my own orgasms are absolutely glorious, it's his I crave. I want to taste his cum and wear it on my body, marking me as his. I can cum endlessly, and it's wonderful, but true satisfaction is only achieved when I get his cum.

This makes me ripe for cockworship and I pounce on him with single minded determination. Usually he lets me have my way and his lovely cock receives all of my attention. He surprised me the other night when after just a few minutes of furious facefucking he grabbed my hair and pulled me off him.

It seems he wasn't much in the mood to let me have my way. However, he was in the mood to talk, in fact he had been talking the whole time I had been working away at his cock. Asking me questions, questions designed to remind me exactly who I belong too. Given that my mouth was full my answers were little more then grunts and groans. He wanted more, he wanted to hear me say I am his.

That's what precipitated him pulling me off him. When I didn't answer fast enough or he had to repeat the question it was accompanied by a light, yet effective, slap. It didn't take but a few slaps before I was answering his questions and declaring myself his cocksucking cumslut.

I've not really written much about the slapping, mostly because other than to say I love it I don't have anything to say about it. I especially love it when he slaps me while I'm blowing him. It takes a talented man to slap the face of the woman who has his cock firmly in her mouth. He's a talented man.

I strained towards him, but his hand buried firmly in my hair kept me just far enough away that I could only flick at him with my tongue. I begged, but he wasn't listening to me. When he ordered me to my knees saying he wanted to fuck me, I was actually a bit disappointed but I did as ordered.

The next orgasm hit me as he slid in to the hilt on the first thrust. His words penetrated the haze of lust only sporadically, but when they did they served to drive me higher. Several orgasms later I almost missed it when he ordered me back to his cock, the absence of which in my clenching pussy a sure indication that the agenda had changed again.

I didn't need any orders from him on what to do with his beautiful cock, dripping with my own juices, as he pressed it to my lips. I took him hungrily and this time despite the hand in my hair or the slaps, I didn't stop. I couldn't, I was a woman possessed, a woman who knew what she wanted and wouldn't stop until she got it.

Turns out he didn't really want me to stop, he just wanted to control the timing, which he did very well. As he got closer and closer to blowing his load I increased the pace, but he kept pulling me back, setting the pace where he wanted it. When he was ready and with a sharp yank of my hair he pulled out and shot all over my face and mouth. He was right when he said he knew what I needed.

I fell into the bed sated, sore and one gloriously happy faerie. I was totally spent and ready to drop off to sleep when the next order came. Unfortunately, I have a christmas party to get ready for and don't have the time right now to tell you what that order was, but it was fun.

I'm still having computer issues. I can't post from my own computer, so I write it on mine then use Musicman's to post it. It also won't let me comment most of the time, which is really frustrating me. Musicman said he would look at it tomorrow, so hopefully soon I will be back for real. I miss not being able to comment, to join the conversation and visit with all my kinky friends.