Confusion a Catalyst for Change

Sex is a funny thing, it can involve our deepest emotions or no emotions at all. It has the power to devastate and wound, or to build trust and enable growth. My earliest experiences devastated and wounded me. My recent experiences have built trust and provided me opportunities for growth.

Dominance and submission can be a part of sex or nothing at all to do with it. It's been a mix for me. D/s outside the bedroom has been an integral part of my relationship for my entire relationship, it just works for us. Introducing D/s into the bedroom has been a way for us to explore ourselves and each other.

It's opened doors I never even thought to stand in front of, much less go through. Contemplating a threesome is just one of those doors that D/s has brought me too. It's open and we are standing at that threshold together. I find that awesome and comforting all at the same time.

If we should choose to take a step forward, it will be done together. It is something I would likely do to please him. To fulfill his fantasies, if that's what he really wants. It's not something I ever worry about him forcing me into in any way.  That's not what D/s is about for us, it's about freedom.

I've found freedom in D/s, it's a dynamic that feels natural and normal for me. It represents a side of myself that for one reason or another I often suppressed. I no longer have any reason to do that and I'm loving it. Not only do I get to be more authentically me, but so does he. I know he has suppressed some of his naturally dominant inclinations in the past and I know much of that is because of me. He no longer has any reason to do that.

I sometimes find the things he proposes confusing, but confusion in this instance isn't necessarily a bad thing. In this instance it is a catalyst for growth, never a bad thing.  I do tend to be an over thinker, and this topic has been no exception. I'm just grateful I have some place to come and work through the confusion.

I have no idea where this fantasy of his will take us, he may not know for sure either. That's okay, it's something we will figure out together to both of our satisfaction. At this point, we are at the very beginning of that road and aren't in any hurry to traverse it.  We're going to take our time, maybe some side trips to check out the scenery, or points of interest. The journey really is more fun then the destination and we travel well together. 

New and Confused

My computer is still not fixed, but I'm coping as best I can for the moment. Everyone seems quite interested in this new direction he sometimes takes things. I mentioned briefly in a previous post that he has begun narrating very detailed scenarios during playtime. Scenarios that have made me think of things, want things, that I've never thought about or wanted before. He doesn't do it all the time, just on occasion, but it is becoming more frequent.

I"ll admit that these scenarios definitely turn me on some, but they also confuse me, for many reasons. The first time he did it I was surprised, but once I thought about it more I realized I shouldn't have been. I've actually known about these fantasies of his for most of our relationship. I just never paid them all that much attention, cause they never seemed doable to me.

His fantasy, the detailed narratives he gives me, are scenarios involving a third person. Sometimes it's another guy, but most often it's another woman. The man has a slight obsession with seeing me with another woman. As I said, I've known about this for a long time but never paid it much attention and never considered it as something he might actually want to pursue.

He says he likes the idea of me being with two men, but that it will never happen because he doesn't want to get his junk that close to another guys. His words, not mine. I've never been with more then one man at a time, and never really wanted too. It's not like I haven't had the opportunity in the past, I just never took it. But, the way he describes it, in detail, when he's got me all worked up?  Ummm...yeah, it so works for me.

There is one problem with that though. I've been monogamous for almost three decades now. I haven't even thought about the possibility of being with anyone other then him in so long. Realistically, I don't think I could do it. I can appreciate a good looking man when I see one, but there is no urge or thought at all about being with them. Unless of course, I count Trace Adkins and Tony Stewart, I'd do either one of them in a heartbeat. That's also rather easy to say since chances of that actually ever happening are slim to none.

Then there are the times he talks about me being with a woman. I got big issues with that one. I'm not sexually attracted to women in any way. I've never even kissed a female, ever. Yet, he has very detailed scenarios that he shares with me, and they do seem to turn me on, in the moment. In the light of day, when I think back over it, can't even imagine it. Have I mentioned that I'm finding this all quite confusing?

We've had some great talks about it. When I express doubts, he assures me this is just a fantasy, that it won't really ever happen. Yeah...I'm not so sure I believe that. First of all, I would like for him to be able to fulfill his fantasies. Doing this for him is a strong pull for me, and what happens if I actually get to a place where I can imagine something like this happening?

Judging from the amount of detail he gives, this is something he has thought quite a bit about. I'm just flat out confused about the whole situation. I like it when he does it, which is occurring more and more often, but it raises a lot of questions for me. Unfortunately, I'm not really finding any answers to my questions.