Till We Meet Again

My life has taken some twists lately. Taking me to places I didn't really want to go. I can sit around and lament the things I feel I have lost, which I have done. Or, I can embrace the changes and look ahead with wonder at where life will take me. I've done the former and am moving on to the latter.

Musicman is the love of my life, always has been, always will be. He has always been supportive of me and anything, within reason, I wanted to do. I know he will continue to be that for me, my everything.

We, Musicman and I, though dealing with a lot of personal challenges are stronger then ever as a couple. I no longer have the time to be an active participant in this community, nor do I feel like I have much left to contribute. We are comfortable with our dynamic and I am certain it will continue to grow at our own unique pace. It no longer needs the focus this blog provides.

I am embarking on a new journey that is going to mean a huge time commitment for me. It has the potential to be something very good for us as a couple. For me, that far outweighs what I want for me. It is something that I must give my full attention. If I fail, it won't be because I didn't try my very best.

I don't believe in saying goodbye, so, I have decided not to take this blog down. Ya never know when I might decide to pop back in an be heard. I've grown so much through my writing here, untangled so many knots. I've made great friends and felt a part of a wonderful community. I hate to give that up, but I can no longer make the time commitment it requires from me. When the dust settles, that may change, but I can't promise that right now.

I wish you all the very best that life has to offer. Your  love, laughter, support and friendship have meant more to me then I have the words to express. I'll be around, lurking some, maybe commenting some, but that's all I have to offer right now.  Though, I fully intend to keep in touch via email with all the good friends I've made. My email is posted on the blog for anyone who wishes to reach me.


Till we meet again, be well, my friends.
                 

                                                                                           

There is a Season

Things are changing quickly for me right now. I have some thinking to do and some decisions to make. This song has always spoken to me, now it seems appropriate to let it speak for me. Be well my friends.


Words-adapted from The Bible, book of Ecclesiastes
Music-Pete Seeger

To Everything (Turn, Turn, Turn)
There is a season (Turn, Turn, Turn)
And a time to every purpose, under Heaven

A time to be born, a time to die
A time to plant, a time to reap
A time to kill, a time to heal
A time to laugh, a time to weep

To Everything (Turn, Turn, Turn)
There is a season (Turn, Turn, Turn)
And a time to every purpose, under Heaven

A time to build up,a time to break down
A time to dance, a time to mourn
A time to cast away stones, a time to gather stones together

To Everything (Turn, Turn, Turn)
There is a season (Turn, Turn, Turn)
And a time to every purpose, under Heaven

A time of love, a time of hate
A time of war, a time of peace
A time you may embrace, a time to refrain from embracing

To Everything (Turn, Turn, Turn)
There is a season (Turn, Turn, Turn)
And a time to every purpose, under Heaven

A time to gain, a time to lose
A time to rend, a time to sew
A time for love, a time for hate
A time for peace, I swear it's not too late

For Him

I'm a goal oriented girl. I set long term goals, then I set short term goals designed to achieve the long term goals. When changes happen, or it becomes obvious that the short term goals aren't working, I reassess and set new goals.

I was so close to achieving some long term goals recently that when the changes started occurring, I fought them. It was right there, all I had to do was grab the brass ring. But, no matter how high or how fast I grabbed, it slipped away.

I wasted precious time and energy chasing it, but it's gone. It took something drastic happening for me to accept that it was gone. A loss we didn't see coming, hit us squarely in the face. It's very sad, but it helped me see that I needed to stop chasing some things.

Instead, all I can do is embrace everything that's going on. I need to reassess and set new goals for myself. I'm finding that difficult to do. There is so much serious illness and loss surrounding us that I'm having a hard time finding some things important right now.

Musicman has been very attentive, keeping me close, keeping me focused. Giving me the pain I need to escape, if only for awhile. Comforting me when that is what I've needed. He understands that I've been struggling to accept things I don't want to accept.

I don't know how this is all going to workout, but I'm learning to accept that, even when it's scary. I'll do it for him, cause right now, hes the only thing in my life I still find important. I want to be strong for him and it's time I give that all my effort.

Maybe

There are times in my life, when I succumb to the pain. So much darkness overwhelms me. I don't have the strength to hold my head up.

I'm so grateful to borrow his strength. I borrow his strength to continue on. Fighting the good fight. Pretending I have the strength to go on.

He bolsters me, when I feel weak. When change swirls about me, leaving me weak and confused. I seek growth in the confusion. I wish for it to stop.

I seek clarity in the pain. I seek shelter in the storm. I want to run, maybe hide from reality. That's not an option for me. A slap in the face pulls me up short.

Meet pain with pain.

Meet strength with strength.

Plans change.

Destinies, no longer reality.

Goals become remote, but not forgotten.

I continue to reach, unending in the scope of things.

I want to feel again.

Love.

Pain.

What is the difference?

Maybe I will learn.

What if I do

 

 

 

 

 

Standing at the edge of the pond, water clear as glass.

From nowhere discernible, the pebble falls.

 Ripples that change the face of reality.

 Opportunities lost, destinies changed.

 





The dream that once was, is no longer.

 Maybe I'm not really what I think I am.

My strength is epic, a facade at best.

The face I present, a mask for society.

I must bend, I can't break.

 

But what if I do.

 





A Faerie Valentine's Day

Neither Musicman or I are big on celebrating holidays. Heck, we've ignored MAJOR holidays more then once. I've always been a big believer in celebrating every day, Musicman not as much.  The fact that none of us are promised tomorrow is a lesson both Musicman and I have learned the hard way more times then we can count. He's learning to celebrate every day, and when he slips I see it as my job to remind him.

So tonight, I'll make his favorite dinner for him, but I do that at least once a week anyway. I've made him a sweet treat for dessert. Peanut butter pudding, minus the lumps this time. But I love to bake and usually bake at least once a week. I might spend a little extra time primping and looking pretty for him today.  But, I dress for him every day and he always appreciates it. Some playtime would be fun, but it always is.

I don't feel any pressure to do anything special today that I don't do on other days. Having said that, sometimes inspiration strikes and I get an idea. It's not that I haven't done this before, but it's been awhile. I wrote Musicman a story and emailed it to him.

This isn't a spanking story, and any D/s in it is peripheral to the story. This story I wrote just for him, about one of his fantasies that he shared with me. I wrote it a few days ago and sent it to him immediately before I could change my mind. I knew he wouldn't find it early since he never checks his email. Unfortunately, since I've sent it I've thought of all kinds of things I could have changed or added to make it better. Oh well, that would have just  made it too long anyway, right?

 

I just hope he likes it and sees it for what it is, another way for me to make all his fantasies come true.

     Bathed in the warm light
                                                                of true love and devotion,
                                                                even the most impossible
                                                                dreams become reality.

                                                                                             

"Are you too tired for a Blowjob?"

 

 

The beginning of love is to let those we love be perfectly themselves, and not to twist them to fit our own image. Otherwise we love only the reflection of ourselves we find in them.
Thomas Merton

"Are you too tired for a blowjob?"

 

I bet some of us have heard this before. Or some may be thinking, that doesn't sound very Domly, he shouldn't ask, he should just tell me to give him a blowjob. Afterall, as a sub isn't it my place to serve? Aren't I his to use as he pleases?

 

Well, I agree completely, he doesn't need to ask, he can just tell me, but he won't. That's just not in him to do that. He has a core belief that a man does not take pleasure without giving his woman pleasure. A belief I whole heartedly support I might add. Just one of the many reasons I love him so much.

 

I certainly don't want to do anything to change that belief. What I do want to do is get him to understand how much pleasure I get from giving him pleasure. When he's tired or had a long day, I want to make him feel better. A blowjob always makes him feel better.

 

There is something so soothing and satisfying about laying my head on his thigh, face to face with his beautiful manhood. Something so comforting for me knowing that I can take my time and explore to my hearts content. Licking and stroking and sucking, spending time on all his most sensitive areas, my only goal, his pleasure.  

 

There is a total abscence of expectation on my part, other then to bring him pleasure. That is very powerful and very freeing for me. Obviously he is free to participate as much or as little as he would like. He might just lay there and enjoy, maybe occasionally gently stroking my hair and back, that's perfect. He might grab me by the hair and fuck my face, that's perfect too.  He might do both, or neither, but it doesn't really matter. What matters is that it feels good to him.

 

The mental effects for me, of giving him pleasure, in any way he desires at that moment, are the same as a more intense session that is focused on me. In turn, my body responds to the mental stimulation in a physical way. The same physical way it responds to the aforementioned intense session focused on me. In short, I get off too.

 

He may never be entirely comfortable telling me he wants or needs a blow job. Until he is I will keep asking him, "are you too tired for a blowjob?" 

 

Flogger Time

We all have those things that set off the butterflies in our tummies. From what I've read the sound of a leather belt being pulled through belt loops is a big one for most subs. Maybe someday that will happen for me, but right now, it's something much more benign. The butterflies come to life for me when Musicman removes his glasses.

When I'm all snuggled in to my self made nest on the bed, relaxing and watching TV, I'm aware he has been watching me most of the evening. Casual conversation flows naturally and easily, but I never mention the fact that he has been watching me more than the TV. I admit, I wonder what he's thinking. I don't ask anymore, cause he always says, "I'm just looking".  It's flattering, but not butterfly inducing.

However, when he removes his glasses and sets them aside as he approaches my nest on the bed, my mouth goes dry and the butterflies come to life. That's how it happened last night. He crawled up next to me, hands roaming as he started questioning me about my last post. Silly man, pretending like he didn't know what I was referring to. He knew, he just wanted me to say it. I didn't.

He rolled me over to check the evidence from our last play time. Still bruised, but fading nicely and since I can't feel them or see them with out becoming a contortionist I forget about them. A few swats with his hand interspersed with some rubbing and the butterflies were flitting so loudly I didn't hear a word he said.

I was more then ready when he reached for the flogger. Musicman wields an implement like it's an extension of his hand. I don't know where he picked up that skill, but he's a natural. We hadn't played with the flogger in awhile, and it was heavenly. Musicman does not confine himself to just my ample backside when he uses the flogger, anything he can reach is fair game.

My butt and legs were already stinging nicely when the first blow landed on my back. I love, love, love it when he flogs my back. I hadn't removed my shirt, or any clothes for that matter, such is the advantage of wearing skirts. I immediately attempted to remove my shirt, I didn't want any barriers between me and the flogger. I was laying on my stomach at the time and quickly became tangled in it.

As I twisted and tried to sit up to get untangled he assisted in the form of the flogger across my breasts. Yeah, that wasn't inspiring me to move any faster. I'm sure I looked ridiculous with my arms over my head, my shirt obscuring my head, but who cares. It felt so glorious, that if I could have breathed adequately in that position, I might have stayed there for awhile.

I did soon manage to become untangled and resume my position laying face down on the bed. I could have stayed there all night. Stretching like a contented cat, leaning in to each blow of the flogger. Musicman had other ideas though, the flogger was just the warm up for the leather paddle.

He took his time and raised a nice rosy all over glow. Every nerve in my body was alive and singing, his magical hands combined with the leather paddle wringing orgasm after orgasm from me. I didn't think I could manage even one more, but he proved me wrong. He also proved that with the proper motivation, he can get me to do anything or say anything. It might come out as a scream, but it does come out.

Bruises and Botched Plans

Saturday afternoon we went upstairs to watch a movie. Yes, we spend quite a bit of time in our bedroom, that's why I want a smaller house, we don't need all this room. Anyway, unbeknownst to me, he had other plans. The movie was just a ruse to get me upstairs. He doesn't need a ruse, he could have just told me, but that's just not in his DNA.

So, there I sit, on the edge of the bed, waiting for him to decide what movie to put in when he gets up and goes over to the headboard of the bed. He announces he needs to decide what implement he wants to use. I believe my response was, "you don't have to pick just one."

His response was to pick up the magic paddle and toss it onto the lounge. He walks over to where I'm sitting, pulls me up and without further conversation undresses me. That takes less then a nano second since all I was wearing was a skirt and top. Then he faces me towards the lounge, pushes me into position and picks up the paddle.

I'm not sure why he decided my nips would be a good place to hold me in position by, but it was effective. So was the very thorough paddling he dispensed. It started out fast and furious and continued on in that vein for I have no idea how long. All I could do was breathe, the pain was intense, but so was the pleasure bursting around and within me.

At one point I didn't think I could handle much more, but I didn't say a word, cause I knew it was exactly what I needed. When he let go of the girls and delivered a particularly hard swat, I raised right up into his arms and grabbed hold of him like a dying women to a life raft. I remember hearing him ask me if I needed more. I don't know if I answered, but he gave me more and kept giving me more until I was literally melting into him, my face buried in his shoulder gasping for breath.

I remember him asking me if I was gonna cum, it's been know to happen. I also remember thinking, NO, but my body surprised me. Just him saying that, at that moment, set me off. The only thing after that I really remember is some incredibly satisfying sex. Subspace has a way of making my memory very fuzzy even though in the moment everything is crystal clear.

After some recovery time we went on about our day, watched a movie, had some dinner, watched another movie. Yes, it's very cold here where we live and I'm not a snow bunny, so I watch a lot of movies during the winter. I could definitely still feel the effects of the earlier spanking all evening. He proceeded to check my backside several times too. He did that cause he left bruises on me. Like most subs, I don't mind the bruises, he however, does not care for them.

The constant checking and the stinging in my butt really focused me quite nicely. I even thought quite a bit about something I wanted to do for him. Something that he likes me to do, but I find almost impossible to do. Doesn't matter what that something actually is, it's just one of my quirky little inhibitions. Besides, I've mentioned it here before, so if anyone is interested they can figure it out.

I had managed to convince myself over the course of the evening that I was gonna bite the bullet, I was gonna do this thing for him without him even having to ask. For the record, I never do it when he asks. The only time I've been able to successfully do this thing is when he is being very dominant and insists that I do it. When he tells me instead of asking and doesn't take no for answer, I do it and it works wonderfully well.

This is where I botched it. We went to bed, the lights where out, he was initiating intimacy. All's good so far, then as if he read my mind, he indicated, in that non verbal way of his, what he wanted me to do. He wanted me to do the very thing I had previously convinced myself I would do.

I have no idea what happened, or why I couldn't do it, but I couldn't. I suppose for some reason I wasn't feeling his dominance, that is something I need to feel to do this thing.  He apparently wasn't feeling much in the dominant mood either, cause he let me not do it. I wonder if he realizes that if he just would have said something, anything that would have indicated to me that I couldn't get out of it, I would have done it? Probably not.  Oh well, maybe next time.

Communicating Well

Communication is the key to a great relationship, whether vanilla or D/s. Communicating well with each other is something Musicman and I have focused on since the beginning of our relationship. He and I have the same moral and ethical values, but we don't communicate the same way, that alone can cause problems.

Musicman is not a good verbal communicator, but he is excellent at non verbal communication. I recognized this very early on in our relationship and have spent a lot of time and energy cultivating my rather lacking skills in non verbal communication.

At first, I didn't want to learn how to communicate his way. I didn't particularly care for all the constant touching and groping every time I came near him. I knew why I didn't like it, but found it easier to tell him to stop doing it then to learn to like it.

It was only after I insisted he stop that he did stop. It didn't take long for me to realize I missed it. I apologized and told him how wrong I was. From that day forward I started learning to communicate better in a non verbal manner. I've come a long way over the years in improving my non verbal communication.

Even though I made an effort to learn to communicate his way, he also met me half way and has learned to be a better verbal communicator. It's not his "go to" way of communicating and I still sometimes remind him I need the words. He does the best he can.

My most effective way of communicating is in writing. It's something I've done since we first got together. When the subject was difficult for me I would often write it down in a letter to him. When I first proposed a D/s lifestyle I did it by sending him an email. I continued emailing him whenever things became too confusing or too difficult for me to say out loud.

This is not his favorite way for me to communicate, he would much rather I just speak to him, but he does understand that sometimes I just can't come right out and say it. Sometimes, when we are discussing intimate things and I get stuck he encourages me to whisper whatever I'm having trouble getting out to him. I can do that, but I honestly don't know how he even hears me, I whisper so low that even I can't hear myself.

When I first started this blog, I didn't tell him about it. That took a few months, then I emailed him explaining it and sent him the link. Since that day, he's read every post I've written. I don't write with him in mind, I write for myself, to help me untangle all the jumbled thoughts. It works quite well too.

I realized after writing my last post, that me not being able to focus enough to write is part of the reason we have lost so much ground. He has no gauge on what's going on with me. Things are still very stressful here, still dealing with several serious issues. That isn't going to change anytime soon and neither he, nor I, have much control over how these issues will work out.

What we do have control over is how often and how well we communicate with each other. In that vein, I am going to try very hard to focus enough to post more regularly and to pay attention to the non verbal communication he is giving me.

Lost Ground

I've been so stressed an so unfocused that I haven't felt like writing. I haven't felt like rehashing all the crap I've been dealing with. I still don't feel much like writing, but I'd like to get some sleep tonight. I'm a notorious non-sleeper when I'm stressed, my mind just runs and runs and runs.

We had been in a really good place with the progression of D/s in our relationship, like we were both on the same page. It took a lot of time and work to get to that place, but I really did think that. I now realize we have lost a lot of ground over the past few weeks.

I've always known I was the driving force behind it, I was the one who proposed it and the one who wanted it. Musicman always assured me when ever I questioned him that he wanted it too, but it took a lot of convincing on his part for me to believe him.

I'm doubting again that he wants it, he let it go very easily. He doesn't seem to be nearly as bothered by the fact that we have precious little privacy for louder activities, such as spanking, as I am. That doesn't really surprise me all that much.

What does surprise me is the fact that he sees I'm upset, he says he wishes he could help, yet he makes very little effort to help. It's as if he has forgotten, or is reluctant to give me what I need. These were issues way back at the beginning, but I thought we had moved past them. In fact, we had, until this past month.

Most of this past month we have been either away from home or no privacy when we were home. That has changed within the last few days, we've had time, hours even, every night to ourselves. Monday night we spent some time getting reacquainted with the magic paddle. It was exactly what we both needed. Tuesday he got everything he needed.

Tonight was a bit of a different story. I had a really bad day today and needed his help. He saw that immediately when he got home. He commented several times during the course of the evening that he wanted to help me. Apparently that was about all the effort he felt like giving it though. Oh yeah, he spanked, but it was way to late and not nearly enough.

He has a bad habit of rushing through the spanking part to get to the sex part. Not always, but sometimes, and when I'm as stressed as I was tonight he knows I need more, not less. I know he knows that, cause I've told him that, repeatedly. It ends up being extremely frustrating for me and triggers my flight impulse.

Dark thoughts flood in and I run through a gamut of emotions. Rejection, anger, pain, worthlessness, like my needs are not important and neither am I. Ultimately, it makes me want to just say stop, I don't need or want this. It's not true, but it's the way it makes me feel.

I know that none of those things are what he intends, but that's what happens.  It took me a long time to be able to recognize the cycle and express it to him. That helped immensely in fixing the problem.  Considering 2 of the last 4 times we've attempted any playtime I've ended up in tears, you wouldn't think I'd have to tell him again. Expecting that though, would mean he would actually have to pay attention and figure it out for himself.

I'm not gonna hold my breath waiting for that to occur, it is after all, something I wanted, not him. Will I tell him again? Maybe, I don't know right now. I'm not much interested in talking about it, or thinking about it. I'm firmly in denial about what I need or about the fact that if I want to get what I need it's up to me to ask for it. I just don't care right now and that's never a good thing.

Better...yearning for best

 
Yes, Please!!!

With everything going on around here recently, there hasn't been much of this going on at all. Life and circumstances have conspired to reduce playtime from every day or every other day, to 3 times in the last month.

 

 

 

 

  I can relate!!! 

 

See, if people would just listen to me, everything would be okay. I don't really see that happening any time soon, but I'm still hoping.

 

 

 

  Anyone know a good cure?  

 

 

 



How faerie got lost

I'm finally starting to emerge from the funk I've been stuck in. Actually it's been much more then a funk, it's been a full blown melt down. I had been handling all the recent stress pretty well, I thought. Even when it continued coming I kept plugging onward, until I broke.

I was swept away in some very deep, very painful emotions. I was stuck for days, alternating between crying and suppressing all emotion to the point of running on automatic. I barely left my bedroom or my bed for several days. I didn't even find my usual comfort in cleaning and did only what was absolutely necessary at the time.

Try as I might, I wasn't able to figure out what the problem was until I was writing an email to a friend. Then it kind of hit me what was happening. The pain and hurt was not just from the current stressors in my life, something had triggered me, big time.

Those of you who have read here before probably already know I grew up in a severely abusive home. It's something I have fought to recover from my entire life and consider myself a survivor, not a victim. The one thing I know for sure about being a survivor is this, there will always be triggers to deal with and you may not always see them coming. That's what happened this time, it blind sided me.

The trigger was my daughter getting pregnant. I spent several years being totally terrified on a daily basis that I would become pregnant by my abuser. I knew if I ended up pregnant by him my life would become much, much worse. My angels must have been watching over me, because I did not get pregnant by him.

I vowed then that I would never put myself in the position of having to deal with an unplanned, unwanted pregnancy. When I chose to become sexually active I did what I thought was the responsible thing. I went by myself, to the free clinic and got birth control. I was 14 and it was horrible, but it was better then getting pregnant. I was vigilant about using it and never did have an unplanned or unwanted pregnancy.

I also did what I thought was the responsible thing for a mother to do for her kids, I armed them with knowledge. I started when they were young, in an age appropriate manner, teaching them about the birds and the bees. When my daughter was a teen, I took her to a kind, gentle, female doctor for her first checkup. I encouraged her and the doctor to discuss birth control and offered to get it for her if she needed it. When I found out my son was sexually active, I bought him condoms. Most importantly, or so I thought, I taught them to be responsible, to always use protection.

In addition to my daughter currently dealing with an unplanned, unwanted pregnancy, I found out that not only did she not use any protection, but that she had been lying to me every time I asked her if she was. As recently as the week before she moved back in with us, we talked about it and she assured me she was using something.

When she told me these things I was not happy, but I tried to be accepting of it. I also told her I was not happy about some of the things that were occurring since she had moved back in. Namely, her boyfriend being at our house, hold up in her room for sometimes up to 12 hours everyday. I told her it needed to stop. She did not take that very well and behaved in a less then mature manner.

I did not address it immediately because I felt the need to consult Musicman about all of it. I felt that way for many reasons. First, he is her father and this is his house, he definitely gets a say in what happens with both. Second, I know that because of my background I have a tendency to over react to things sometimes, he's always been my guiding light in these situations.

Unfortunately, I didn't realize how strongly I felt about all this and neither did he. He had no idea when he essentially told me to keep my mouth shut, how badly that would go for me. I know he is not happy with the situation either, but with everything else going on, quarreling with our daughter and alienating her did not seem like a great idea at the time.

What it did do was take me right back to the terrified young girl I had been, and I got stuck there. It made me feel all alone and like I was losing everything I had worked so hard to achieve. I couldn't handle that thought and I withdrew from him, from myself and from my life. I shut down completely. He was worried, he knew I was very upset, but I offered him no ideas of what was wrong, mostly cause I didn't know myself. He tried more then once to help me through it, but it didn't work, I just cried more. They were not carthatic or cleansing tears either.

Yesterday I was finally able to put all the pieces together and talk with him about it. It wasn't a pleasant conversation, but it was necessary. I told him exactly how I felt and why. I told him what I need to have happen, to be able to deal with the situation. I also told him that the most important thing I need from him is his support in dealing with our daughter. I believe we have achieved that.

The situation is not entirely settled yet. I was simply too exhausted to speak to our daughter yesterday, which is most likely why it's 3:30 in the morning and instead of sleeping I'm wide awake and writing this very long post. I am feeling better and will be speaking with our daughter soon.

Hopefully we will soon have some privacy for a real reconnection, I think we both need that, and then I can get back to regularly scheduled programming. That's so much more pleasant to write about and I'm sure for you to read.