A Year Ago Today

What a difference a year makes. It was one year ago today I wrote my first post. Unfortunately, very few people saw it. For some unexplainable reason, it disappeared into cyberspace. A techie I am not.

I was lucky enough to get listed on Bonnie's blog, http://bottomsmarts.blogspot.com/ on my very first day. I missed the salute to Bonnie day, but I will be forever grateful that she found me and felt I was worth adding to her list of spanking blogs.

Her blog and PK's blog, New Beginnings were among the very first blogs I discovered. I felt quite a connection with PK. I sent her an email and she responded. A friendship began and a blog was born. Thank you my friend for understanding and encouraging me.

Another friend, Sunnygirl at Aimless Ramblings kindly sent me the instructions on how to add pics to my blog. That was the advent of my signature, my faerie pics. I have just as much fun picking out the faerie pic for every post as I do writing the post. Thank you Sunnygirl for teaching this tech challenged girl a thing or two.

I've shared much about myself here over the last year. I've revealed secrets that seemed so dark they would never see the light of day. When I did, this community embraced me and cradled me in a cocoon of support and love. I've worked through issues that threatened to bring me to my knees. The constant comments of encouragement were sometimes the only thing that kept me going.

I've written 182 posts to date, I've had over 41,000 page hits. Some may not think that's a lot, but it's a lot to me. I am still surprised that anyone reads and enjoys what I write. The thought that I might actually help someone with my writing is something I never considered, but, once it was pointed out to me I find it very gratifying.

I've connected with people all over the world. I've formed friendships that reach beyond the pages of this humble place I've created. I've been given opportunities I never thought I would have. I've solicited opinions and bought and written reviews of sex toys based on those opinions. I've pursued vanilla interests that I wouldn't know about except that a blogger friend recommended them to me. I've been invited to write other places, about other subjects, as a result of my writing here.

I've gained strength and have experienced personal growth. My relationship with Musicman, while never bad, had stagnated some. It  has improved beyond anything I could have imagined. Our communication wasn't bad, but maybe was becoming a bit rusty. That is no longer true.

We've tried new things, we've pushed boundaries, the future is again, something to embrace. All because I found this wonderful community, a place that feels like home to me. For a woman who has always felt like an outsider where ever she went, that is huge. Thank you all for sharing this journey with me.

You give me strength to try, you give an ear to listen. You lend me your courage and strength through your wise, inciteful and sometimes funny comments. You offer frienship, not judgement. That is very precious to me.

I have no idea where the road leads from here, but I'm so happy to know that I don't walk it alone. Thank you doesn't seem enough, but, I'm at a loss for words on how to express how much all of you and this experience mean to me.

Subtle and Sneaky

When I first proposed adding D/s and spanking to our bedroom antics it didn't occur to me that he would have fantasies or inclinations that I didn't know about. I never stopped to consider that he would propose ideas of his own. Naive of me, I know, but that's me, sometimes still very naive.

It didn't take long for me to realize the truth. Dominance looks somewhat different to him then it does to me. The first time he took the initiative and did something I had never even thought about, I was surprised. Surprised, but happy. Happy that he took the initiative, surprised that what he did turned me on.

Shortly thereafter he proposed something I wasn't so pleased about. That thing I've talked about, but still can't name. Something that had previously been a hard limit for me. It's still a limit, but no longer a hard one. He pushes me, but it's a subtle push, never too hard or too fast. We haven't breached this soft limit yet, but someday we will. Someday he will have slowly pushed past that limit.

He continues to sporadically push at that limit and others. Recently he has introduced another scenario that he would like to have happen. Again, it's something I knew about, but never really considered as a possibility because I wasn't interested.

He is slowly changing that, pushing my limits in the subtlest of ways. He's smart and sneaky about how he proposes these scenarios to me. He says nothing about them, until he has me right where he wants me. He slowly seduces me, kissing me until I'm breathless. Torturing my nipples until I'm gasping with want and need. Then, and only then does he start talking.

He gives a detailed narration of what he would like to see happen or what he would like to experience. His hands continue to roam my body, hitting all the perfect places at exactly the right moment to keep me on edge. He asks questions of me. What do I think of what he is proposing?

Ordinarily, in other circumstances, I wouldn't be at all interested. Given the frenzy of sexual energy I'm swept up in though, it starts to sound doable to me. I'm focused, not only on what he is doing to me, but on the things he is saying. They now seem more then a suggestion to me, more then just something he wants. I want it too.

He's sneaky, making me want things I never before wanted. Planting the seed and then stepping back to watch it grow. He planted a new seed, a new idea of something he wants. It is starting to grow and flower in my mind. What once, I never thought or considered doing I'm now considering. I'm wondering if what he has proposed might become something more then just a proposal. What once was a hard limit, is no longer.

He's subtle, and sneaky that man of mine. I barely notice anymore when he starts to push at my limits.

Want Becomes Need

I had gotten to a place where my needs felt more like wants. I was comfortable with that. Needing things I can't provide for myself scares me. I had become comfortable with my kink being just that, a kink. Something I wanted, but didn't necessarily need. Yeah, I can live with that.

Now, let's introduce stress into my life. I'm accustomed to stress, but this was above and beyond. I was thrust into a situation I'd hoped to never find myself in again. A work situation, with a large group of women. Stress to the Nth degree.

I did well for quite a few days, managed the stress pretty well all on my own. It in no way effected my personal wants. I never considered employing my kink for stress relief. It didn't seem necessary, it remained exactly where I had put it. A want, that was in no way related to my life outside the bedroom.

Now, let's elevate the stress by introducing a vindictive bitch into the mix. One who doesn't particularly care much for me. Apparently, I offend her sensibilities in many ways. I have tattoo's, I call people honey and dear. I have bad habits that she doesn't approve of, even though they don't effect my work at all. She informed me of all this while all the time shoving her religion down my throat. I despise people like that.

I took the high road, ignoring and excusing her behavior as not worth my time. I learned a long time ago that people like this are not worth me wasting my breath on. During all this Musicman was supportive and helpful, saying all the right things. Shoring me up and keeping me going, moving me closer to my goal. It never occurred to me to ask for more. I had everything I needed and everything I wanted.

Then I made a critical mistake. I left my back unprotected. The vindictive bitch struck fast and hard, she blindsided me.  The pain from the knife buried in my back was too much for me. There were no words that could fix the situation, there wasn't enough support in the world Musicman could offer. A want quickly degenerated into a need.

I needed something more. I needed an outlet for the emotional pain I was experiencing. I needed an escape from the nightmare I suddenly found myself in. I needed a way to purge the stress. I needed a way to relax and some ability to sleep through the night again.

The kink was no longer a want. Through no fault of my own, my kink had become more than a want, it became a need. I'm more comfortable with it being a want, but sometimes it is a very real need. Musicman recognized this and gave me everything I needed and then some.

The stress vanquished, I finally slept well again. The vindictive bitch is still in the picture, but my back is no longer unprotected. She will not blindside me again, god help her if she tries. Many think of it as just a kink. Sometimes it's a want, sometimes it's a need. It's become my secret weapon, defending me from the evil in the world.

Meme's on the loose

 

PK started this meme, I love finding out more about my fellow bloggers, so I thought I would try it too. Though I will admit to being a bit nervous about someone asking me to explain.

 

Here are the rules: You must answer yes or no. You may not explain unless someone asks.

 

 

Made money illegally? Yes
Taken a picture naked? Yes
Had a one night stand? Yes
Been in a fist fight? Yes
Slept with your best friend? Yes
Had sex in a public place? Yes
Ditched work to have sex? Yes
Slept with a member of the same sex? No
Seen someone die? YesRan from the police? Yes
Woke up somewhere and not remember how you got there? Yes
Worn your partners unmentionables? Yes
Fallen asleep at work? Yes
Used toys in the bedroom? Yes
Ran a red light? Yes
Been fired? No
Been in a car accident? Yes
Pole danced or done a striptease? Yes
Loved someone you shouldn't? No
Sang karaoke? No
Done something you told yourself you wouldn't? No
Laughed so hard you peed your pants? Yes
Caught someone having sex? No
Kissed a perfect stranger? Yes
Shaved your partner? No
Given your private parts a nickname? No
Ever gone in public without underwear? Yes
Had sex on a roof top? No
Played chicken? No
Mooned/flashed someone? Yes
Do you sleep naked? Yes
Blacked out from drinking? Yes
Felt like killing someone? Yes
Had sex more than 5 times in one day? Yes
Been with someone because they were in a band? No
Taken 10 shots of liquor in a day? Yes
Shot a gun? Yes
Gone outside naked? Yes

 

There it is in a nutshell, probably nothing earth shattering or surprising.

 

 

FACADES

The beautiful facades I see,

As I drive down the street.

What secrets do they hold?

Wondrously strong structures,

Lace window panes.

What transparency do you show,

Is that LOVE I see?

You’re not fooling me.

Pain,

Amidst the LOVE.

Storms you weather from,

Families you embrace.

Is that hate upon your face?

Secrets you hold close,

Do I have the courage to see?

Love and Loss,

Weaken you at your knees.

The foundation weathers,

The façade fades.

Wonderously strong structures,

Survive the test of time.

That IS Love I see.

 

49

When a spanko has a birthday she looks forward to celebrating in many ways. There are birthday presents to receive. Birthday brownies to eat and birthdays spankings too. Birthday spankings make getting older not so bad, if you're a spanko that is.

We had a wonderful day of birthday shopping and brownie eating yesterday. Last night it was time to face the music. Or should I say time to face Musicman with the magic paddle in hand. Except of course, I didn't really face Musicman.

No, my face was too the lounge as I assumed the position, bared and bent over. And then it began: Whap...one...whap...two...whap, whap, whap...five. I think he was trying to confuse me.

Whap...six...whap...seven...whap...OH...seven, wait, no I meant eight. On and on it went. It takes some time and careful counting to get to 49.

There is very little formality or ritual to our spanking play, so I rarely have the need to count. In fact I don't think I've counted since last year's birthday spanking. I seriously misjudged how hard it is to do that when all I really wanted was to let go and fly freely.

He kept me guessing by following no particular rhythm. Sometimes slow with a moment to breath and relax into the pain, sometimes several, fast and sharp, causing my mind to jump ahead to keep up with the numbers.

Sometimes the wooden side of the paddle connected delivering a sharp sting. A flick of the wrist and the suede side connected, no sting, but lots of thud. I soon lost track, not of what number we were on, but of what number was the goal. Yes, I seriously forgot how old I was or even that the reason for the spanking was my birthday.

My world narrowed, nothing existed but that paddle and the next number to come. By the end, I was a panting mess, able only to gasp out a number and try with all my might to stay on my feet. I guess it's a good thing he didn't insist on starting over everytime I messed up the number. If he had, I think we'd still be at it. I missed ten numbers somewhere along the way.

I counted 39, he stopped and I sunk to the floor, butt burning, mind reeling. Lost in a haze of pain and pleasure. He assures me he does know how old I am and that he gave me the full compliment of what I was due. It seems he didn't trust me to keep the count straight, so he counted too.

He soon ordered me to the bed and the party continued. Good thing he didn't make me count the amount of times I orgasmed. It probably wasn't even close to 49, but it sure felt like it. I've never been good at counting those anyway and rarely ever try. Who cares anyway how many times I come, all I care about is the fact that I do. Over and over and over again. Yep, I'm really starting to enjoy getting older.

Diamond's are a faerie's best friend

I've been stuck in one of the great ironies of life. I take a bit of a break, then when I am ready to start writing again, life throws me a curve ball and I have no time to write.

This past week has been long and challenging. At the end of last week I was offered a new position with my employer. I accepted it but had to start immediately while also finishing up my old position. Last week I worked almost triple the hours I usually work. Combine that with the fact that I did my darnedest to keep up with everything at home and a recurrence of insomnia, I was one exhausted faerie.

And, if all that wasn't enough, we had another death in the family this week too. My Grandmother, now neither one of us has any Grandparents left. Even if I could have found some time to write, I doubt I could have gotten anything out. I was physically and emotionally drained, to the point that when Musicman proposed playtime earlier this week I actually refused. That's huge for me, as I never refuse, I like it too much to do that.

I was tired, he was tired and we weren't communicating well about what we both wanted. His mind was going one way and mine was going another. Within just a few short minutes I became very frustrated and said no. Shocked myself at the time and apparently him too, cause he let me say no. That did not help the situation any, I woke up weepy and sad yesterday with a full day of work ahead of me.

Musicman came to my rescue last night. He blindfolded me, which I really liked. I was kinda like a little kid who thinks if he covers his eyes you can't see him. Odd effect, but that's what it seemed like to me. Not like I was all alone, but like no one, even Musicman could see me. It definitely lowered my inhibitions some. I don't think I'm explaining it all that well, maybe it will become clearer after more exploration with it.

He put cuffs on me, which neither one of us cared for all that much and took off pretty quickly. I discovered I like the idea of cuffs, but actually using them, not so much. I'm used to being an active participant in our playtime scenarios and the cuffs made that more then difficult. Maybe with a bit more planning and a different type of scenario they would work better. Gonna have to give that one some more thought.

He used the leather paddle quite effectively and soon had me flying high. Then the glass dildo came into play, oh those wonderful little nubs it has, so lovely. He tried something with it that he hadn't tried previously and to my surprise it worked wonderfully well. He tormented my pussy with it for what seemed like forever.  I was almost begging him to stop, he didn't, he just changed targets. He used it in my ass. I'm not very good at anal, but I was so worked up that I didn't tense up or become anxious at all. After that, it was relatively easy to take him when he decided that was what he wanted.

Round two was much tamer, but still just as much fun. I slept like a baby and woke refreshed and ready to go today. We've spent the morning doing much needed errands. The kitchen is now restocked with food for another week and he took me shopping for my birthday.

He likes me to pick out my own gifts, he says that way I am sure to get exactly what I want. I got that and more. I wanted a new ring. I wear my original wedding rings on one of my toes, have for the past decade. Needless to say, during the cold months they can't be seen by other people. That doesn't really bother me at all, but lately I have been wanting something to put on that finger. I debated about getting another ring or getting my finger tattooed. I went and looked at rings and narrowed it down to two. I couldn't decide between those two and asked Musicman to pick one. He doesn't care at all about jewelry, so instead of picking one he got both of them for me. Diamonds aren't just a girl's best friend, they're a faerie's too. I'm so spoiled, and it feels great.

I Believe

I believe in the energy of the universe. 

I believe if I put it out there, I will get it back twofold.

I asked for clarity.

Clarity can be blinding.

When I'm blinded, I find the best move, is to hold still.

Gain my bearings.

Breathe.

Listen.

Trust.

Then, breathe again.

Sometimes, I need to repeat the process, over, and over, and over again.

Eventually the blindness clears, and I see again.

I see the beauty.

I feel the joy.

I experience the bliss.

I fly.

Life is good.

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Gone Fishin

I had planned to do the 30 days of submission questions over the next month. It seemed like good timing for me to do it as this is always a time of introspection and re-evaluation for me. I hoped it would give me some clarity and a direction in which to proceed. It also would have taken me to the first anniversary of my little home here in this lovely community.

After doing the first two questions however, a few things occurred to me. The first being, my heart just isn't in it. The rest, I'm not ready to share and I don't know that I ever will be. I have much to think about and much to consider.

I've decided to take a bit of a break while I figure things out. I have no definite plans to either continue or discontinue writing, that's one of the things I will be deciding.  I just need to take some time away for awhile.

I'd like to finish by saying a huge THANK YOU to all my followers, all my commenters and even the lurkers. The support, advice, energy and encouragement I have received here has been priceless. I can truly say there where times when that was all that got me through the rough spots. I can't say it enough, thank you, thank you, thank you. Be well my friends.

Blending My Sub Sides

Describe who you might submit to and how.  Are you exclusively submissive in marriage or just in the bedroom?  Are you submissive only in the context of a scene or in a role or throughout your daily life?  Are you submissive to play partners or only in the context of a relationship?

This is a hard one for me because I see my mental and emotional submission as separate from my sexual submission. Mentally and emotionally, I am submissive to my husband and partner, Musicman. I always have been, not because of some innate desire to be submissive, just because that was what felt right to me, to us as a couple. I've got the 24/7 day to day sub thing down pat, in fact he often says I make things too easy for him. Can't help him there, he will just have to live with it.

What is new is the sexual submission, we dabbled with it a bit at the beginning. I enjoyed it for the most part, but it wasn't a need, more just something different to try out on occasion. It was fun, but I could take it or leave it. We eventually ended up leaving it, it was something that just got left by the wayside. It wasn't something either one of us particularly missed or wanted back, until I did want it back.

I'm starting to accept that it is a natural progression for me, but it's also where a lot of my guilt originates. Guilt because I didn't particularly want it before. Guilt because having said no before I'm now almost begging for it. It's a complete about face for me, and I don't know that having asked him to tone it down before that it's now fair to ask him for the opposite.

He doesn't see this need in me as anything new, he sees it as a need to up the intensity of what we already had. To some extent I think that's true, at least from where he sits. For me, it seems new, the emotions evoked by D/s play certainly are new too me. The mental/emotional highs are higher then I've ever been. Conversely, the mental/emotional lows when things don't go well are lower then I've ever been. Those lows spark the questions and the doubts. Questions and doubts that I never had before and I find extremely hard to deal with, but it is getting easier.

So it seems I've done it a bit backwards and haphazardly. I was submissive within my relationship, outside the bedroom, and didn't even really realize it. . Now we are growing to include bedroom play within the scope also, and trying to blend the two is the challenge. It should be easier, but 2+ plus decades of habits, ways of interacting, can be tough to change.

A Sub By Any Other Name...

Does your submission – either what you practice or what you strive for – have a label? Do you view your submission as Taken in Hand, domestic discipline, top/bottom, dominant/submissive, master/slave, owner/pet, or some other description or combination? If you do not use a label, why?

I've never been one to embrace labels, but I do find them necessary for the purposes of education. It's a lot easier to find something, if you know what you are looking for.  I've always been a big believer in education, both formal and informal. I never want to stop learning and growing. I never want to get to a point in my life where I can't appreciate the wonders of a new experience.

Labels are useful in communication, but can easily be used against you. Leave you open to judgement and ridicule, place limits on you. Labels can define you and the perception of that definition can change in any given situation. A label I embrace as a positive thing, someone else may judge as detrimental.

I wasn't specifically looking for submission, I was looking for a part of myself that I had lost. A feeling, an emotion, an energy, a way of being, that I wanted back. I pursued many avenues of information, but most specifically, I pursued my sexual connection with Musicman. He had been my salvation before and I felt he was now too. I've always been a very sexual woman and know that great sex can create powerful energy.

In exploring the sexual aspect of D/s, I found my emotional and mental submission. I found what I had been looking for. It had been there all the time, just simmering in the background. It also had a different label on it. Which is probably why I didn't recognize it for what it is, it's really both.

The label I know my submission by is that of empath. That's a label I've worn for a long time, a label I've become comfortable with. I know how to define it in a way that works for me. It's also why I was initially confused by the label submissive, to me all the traits and demeanor of a submissive are those of an empath.

I'm sure that doesn't apply to all empaths or submissives, I'm not talking about anyone other then myself. The same qualities about me, that I now identify as submissive, are qualities I previously accepted and acknowledged as being an empath.

This is a definition of submissive: allowing others to have control over you; 2. willing to submit to the wishes of others.

Here are some of the recognizable empathic traits, many of which I have:

1) Heightened (stronger) emotions.
2) Comprehensive understanding over a broad scope of (if not ALL) emotions.
3) Capacity for want/need of self-sacrifice - giving, basically.
4) Excellent communicatory abilities.
5) "Dreaming."
6) Pre-cognition.
7) Emotion reception


So, in effect, being submissive isn't anything new for me, being aware that I am submissive is though. I just defined it a bit differently and gave it a different label. I still don't really think of myself as a sub very often, but I've yet to find the Dom/empath category.