At a Loss

Musicman and  I have always had a unique connection. Primarily, a sexual connection.

Sex has always been a major, front and center, part of my life. It's not always been a positive thing in my life, but it's always been present. I worked hard to turn sex from a dark, abusive event into a beautiful, uplifting presence in my life.

I kissed a lot of frogs before I found my prince. But, I persevered and I did find him. We've spent almost 3 decades together. Throughout those decades, we've always communicated best, through sex.

It's just who we are, what we do. There has never been a time when we lived like distant roommates. Coming together, a few moments of passion, that's how we communicate, that's how understand each other. That's what makes life worth living for us.

Now? Well...now it's not happening so much. Just once a week. Almost no D/s involved. That makes me sad. Definitely no spanking occurring. That makes me even sadder.

It's not working so well for me. I don't think it works very well for Musicman either. I want to fix this issue between us. I'm not sure how. We seem so far apart. I try, but I can't seem to bridge the gap.

All I really know, is that I will continue to try. I want him back. I want to connect in that special way that only we can. But, I'm at a loss as to how I can make that happen.

Surviving and Thriving

 

I saw this on facebook and it really spoke to me.

 

Despite all the seemingly negative things that have occurred to me in my life, I have never thought of myself as a victim. Even as a young child, enduring horrific abuse almost daily, I never thought of myself as a victim. I always focused my thoughts on surviving and what I needed to do to survive.

 

This year has been extremely challenging for us with all the major life changes we have experienced. It would be so easy for me to lay down, succumb to depression and just wallow in the pain of it all. I admit, there are some days that I allow myself that luxury, but not too often. The survivor in me just won't accept that kind of behavior for very long.

 

No, the survivor in me gets her ass out of bed and turns her thoughts to what she needs to do to survive. Eventually, once surviving seems a sure thing, thoughts turn from surviving to thriving. Ya see, I am a survivor, but I don't want to just survive. I want to thrive.

 

That's where my thoughts are now. How do I thrive again? Now that I have picked up the pieces, how do I move forward?

 

I've realized that being back at square one may not be such a bad thing. It may actually help us in the end. It may actually go a long way toward making us and our relationship that much stronger. At least that is how I choose to look at it. I choose to look for the lesson I am supposed to be learning. I choose to look for what areas of my life need improvement or change.

 

I've realized that I have not been taking my own advice. Bad me. Instead of turning toward Musicman, I was most definitely shutting him out. I hadn't meant to do that. I really just shut down because I didn't want to deal with the pain of everything going on. That was an acceptable way to deal with things when I was young and had no one to turn to for the love and support I needed.

 

Now, that is not only no longer acceptable, it is totally unnecessary. It is not necessary because he is here, he is willing to support me and he will always love me. I had felt for awhile that things weren't happening between us because he was no longer interested. How wrong I was.

 

Things weren't happening because I was so shut down he was no longer able to reach me. He was no longer able to read me the way he had been able to do. Things weren't happening because he had no clue what to do for me. He tried, but everything he did try, fell on deaf ears.

 

Is everything back to normal for us? No, not yet, that is going to take some more time. But, I am making a very conscious effort to be open to him and be aware of the fact that he is trying. I am making a conscious effort to respond to his overtures in an open and honest manner.

 

It's a start.

 

 

 

Two Years and One Full Circle

Two years ago, after lurking in this community for about a year, I took the plunge and started this blog. It has been the only time in my life I have successfully kept any kind of journal. I've started many of them over the years, but very quickly lost interest.

I think the main reason I have not lost interest this time, or been able to stop writing, though I tried a few times, is you. My readers. I don't write for you, but the energy I receive from you has been invaluable to me.

I've made friends. I've felt, for once in my life, like I actually fit it in somewhere. I've learned so much about myself and in some smaller way about Musicman. I've shared secrets that I haven't ever felt comfortable sharing in my real life. I've received immeasurable support when facing unimaginable challenges. You just don't get that from a simple journal.

You have celebrated with me when things are going well. You have cried with me when things aren't going so well. You have sent me healing energy and strength to face what ever lay ahead of me. Many of you have prayed for me. Thank you.

As I look back over these two years I feel like I have come full circle. I started out struggling to figure out exactly what it is I wanted and needed. Then I struggled with overcoming my embarrassment of what I needed and wanted and how to communicate those things to Musicman.

Having this blog helped with that too, since he always reads everything I write. He rarely ever comments on any of it, but when appropriate, he does take action. Him being able to have this small peek into my brain definitely helped us get to a really great place.

Having this place to come to and get it all out has saved my sanity, or at least what's left of it as everything we achieved fell apart. That is where we seem to be now, back at square one. Some of that is through no fault of our own and some of it is.

I have no idea where we go from here. I know I want it all back, but going back is impossible. We could work on rebuilding what we had. Someday, we just might do that, but for now it doesn't seem to be a priority, for either of us.

That's not necessarily a good thing, because when I am able to be my true submissive self is when I am most happy. I want to be happy again. I want to be his "little faerie" again. I just don't seem to be able to find the strength or a good place to start. Maybe I will find that strength along with the answers I need here, in this blog.

Someday

A look in the mirror.

What do I see?

 

A sea of silver,

 whitecaps crashing upon the shore.

 

Knowledge?

Experience?

 

Neither count.

Neither can be prepared for.

 

Innocence lost.

Innocence found.

 

Innocence be damned.

I will survive.

 

I will keep my head up,

I will walk tall,

I will survive.

 

Time may steal from me,

 innocence.

 

I have craved,

I have yearned,

I have yet to experience.

 

Is it to much to wish?

 

Someday?

 

Someday,

I may experience,

 innocence.

 

Oh,

what a day that will be.

 

 

Apologies, Thank You's and Some Clarity

I rarely ever do this, write a post instead of responding to my comments. It's just been such a long week and so much is going on. Sorry, but I hope you will bear with me this one time.

First, I'd like to thank all of you for the birthday wishes. It was one of the worst birthdays in recent memory, but ya'll did make me feel so much better. Thank you.

I've read and re-read all the comments and most all of you have said I need to stop picking up the pieces. I need to let my kids figure out things for themselves. I couldn't agree more. If it was just a matter of stepping back and watching my adult children struggle to figure things out on their own, I would. It wouldn't be easy, but few things in life worth having are easy.

There is one very important reason why I feel I can't step back and let them learn for themselves. My 6 week old granddaughter. While I can't go into specifics, things with my daughter are not going well and my granddaughter is the one suffering because of it. That is something I can not and will not tolerate.

My daughter crossed a line, a line I had specifically told her would have serious consequences if she crossed it. Apparently she either didn't take me seriously, or didn't care, either way, she crossed it. Though it broke my heart to do, I laid down the law and enforced the consequences. Or at least, I tried to.

Musicman, much to my dismay, negated the consequences. That caused a huge rift between us. A rift big enough that I was fully prepared to leave him. I didn't want to do that. I love him more than life itself, but there are certain things I will NEVER compromise on. And, may I just say, he has always known what those things are.

I really am not a drama queen. I do not make idle threats. I took my marital vows seriously and leaving has never been an option for me. Having stated all that, I was extremely serious about leaving. That is how serious I feel this situation is. If he is not going to back me in what needs to be done, then I'm gone.

One of the things I have known, for quite a long time, is that while Musicman and I always seem to have the same end goal, we never take the same path to get there. Most of the time, that's a good thing. He takes his path, sees and considers the things I miss and vice versa. Usually, we are able to meet in the middle, consider both paths and make the best decision for our kids.

That is what we have been working on this week. It has been beyond difficult. I know I have been overly emotional and he has done what he typically does when stressed. He closes down and shuts me out. Communication breaks down and we get nowhere fast.

We both have worked very hard to get those reactions under control and effectively communicate with each other. I've had to push him, but he has been doing his best to communicate his views to me. I've had to suppress and control some very volatile emotions, but it has been worth it to get to the end goal.

Do we have a good answer as to what to do? Do we know exactly what needs to be done to remedy the situation with our daughter and granddaughter? Not really, but we are communicating. We have had many, many conversations about this. We do each understand the others point of view and approach to the situation. We are working together, we have a tentative game plan.

Wish us luck, we are going to need it. Our daughter is about to get handed a major dose of tough love. She will have choices to make and if she makes the wrong choice, we could lose all contact with her and our beautiful little granddaughter. That will break our hearts more than we can fathom, but we see no other acceptable choice.

Bittersweet

My mind is so crowded with thoughts. A huge tangle of things, so intertwined, I can not find the beginning, nor conceive the end. I hate when that happens.

This is my birthday weekend. I should be celebrating, or at least receiving a birthday spanking. I did neither. There are so many reasons why that is. 

Recent events have made celebrating my birthday so bittersweet. I will officially turn 49 tomorrow. It is the first time in 40 years I have celebrated without my brother. His birthday was yesterday. Had he not lost his valiant battle against cancer just 2 1/2 months ago, he would have turned 40.

We rarely had the opportunity to celebrate together, in fact, we did only once in our adult lives. His choice to defend our country, in service to the Navy, always kept us apart, but it never let us forget that rare bond. Now, instead of sending birthday wishes, along with my love, across the miles, I send them to heaven. Still such a bizarre concept for me.

Yesterday was a day of many tears and so many regrets. A day when I realized I should have done so many things differently. Unfortunately, there is no going back, no reset, no redo. I try so hard to live my life without regrets. I have no idea how to deal with the ones I associate with the loss of my brother. We all so naively thought we would have the time to do the things we talked about.  How wrong we were.

That lesson is what makes everything else going on in my life so much harder to accept.

In order to survive, I've had to set aside, once again, my own wants and needs, in order to accommodate others wants and needs. I just can not live as a submissive, despite the fact that it feels so very natural for me.

It seems they all need me, to organize, direct, provide and protect. I'm more than capable of doing that, but I find it's a lonely walk for me. It's a well worn path, yet, one I no longer wish to take. Though, I see no other viable choices at the moment.

Since standing still has never been an option for me, I  continue on the journey. I have taken the lead. I instruct, comfort, and give, until it feels as if I have nothing left to offer. When that occurs, I suck it up and offer more. I don't know any other way.

The worst part is that none of them actually listen to me. They ask for advice, then they go and do what they want. When it fails, as it inevitably does, because they have no respect for me or my opinion, they turn to me to pick up the pieces.

Musicman has taken refuge in hiding. He's faded into the background, not heard from until I demand he stand up and do something. Even then, his participation in the day to day challenges, is sketchy.  I no longer feel that I can rely on him to provide the support I need to deal with everything going on.

He did make a half hearted attempt. We actually found ourselves alone in the house. I suppose I should feel grateful that he noticed. I suppose I should be grateful he pulled himself away from his football game for 20 minutes.

I know I'm supposed to enthusiastically embrace the spanking he deigned to give. It was nice, but I needed so much more. In my mind, it was not the celebratory birthday spanking I craved. In my mind, it was much too short, just a stress relief spanking. It would have worked too, had he not promptly jumped up afterwards, complaining of some insignificant ache and declaring, " I should not have done that."

Well...thank you very much. Next time...don't bother. I can do this on my own. And, I can do it better.

Yes, he should be worried, so should my kids, cause I'm about done. You see, I've learned a hard lesson. I've learned that it doesn't pay to put off the things I want from this life in order to aide people who don't have any respect or appreciation for what I do for them. I'm done. I'm just done.

You would think by now that they would know better than to piss off a faerie. Apparently they don't. Time for me to step up and show them the reality and the consequences of their actions. And there ain't  gonna be a damn thing submissive about it.

The Storm at the End of a Perfect Day.

Fair warning: this post is so far from topic. I just need some place to vent. If you're not interested, that's totally fine, feel free to browse the blogroll. It needs updated, but still has many relevant writers.

I think I'm in a bit of shock. I know, I'm way too old and way too wise, to have to deal with this kind of issue. And yet, I see the irony of it all. I wonder, did I invite this?

Growing up as a victim of abuse, of all kinds, I was always determined that would not happen to my kids. I protected them, I educated them, on how to protect themselves.

I did not do any of this alone. Musicman was always there. He stood up as a great example to our daughter, of what she should want in a man. I know he succeeded, because she's told me all she wants, is a man like her father. I don't think she has achieved that yet, but that's a different story.

He stood up as a great example to our son and provided a perfect model for a what man should be. He taught him the basics, that seem to be so often overlooked these days. He taught him, by example, you take care of your lady. You provide for and protect your lady. He taught him to be the man and always be the one in control of any given situation.

Our son has taken those lessons to heart. He's grown into an honorable man. He's been with his girlfriend for a couple years. She's a smart young lady and has in many ways, been a good influence on our son. I like her a lot, she reminds me some of a younger me.

She and I usually get along quite well and talk about everything, including birth control, because I know she is having sex with our son. I'm not really the warm, fuzzy kinda mom. I'm much more the mom that's gonna tell you the cold hard facts about life and what to do to survive.

My son has understood that about me and confided in me, about his relationship with his GF. It's been volatile. Not on his part, but on her's. She has rage issues. This is something I have talked extensively about, with both of them. Clearly, she has been hurt. Both of us love her and want to help her. That's what makes what happens next so hard to accept.

Our day started off so nice. We took a day trip, something we love to do, but haven't really had much time for. It was a wonderful day of strolling around, indulging ourselves and just in general relaxing and enjoying each other. We even sang along together in the car. I know, such a silly thing, yet something I love so much.

Many hours, many miles and many pics later we arrived home. Of course, it was a full house. Daughter, grandbaby and baby daddy, all present and accounted for. Son and girlfriend? Check, they're home too.

Musicman had errands to run. He leaves, despite the fact that ominous sounds are coming from our son's room.  They're fighting, nothing new there. We both know that our son would never get physical with his girlfriend, nothing bad is gonna happen. Yeah, we so underestimated that.

I don't think either one of us could have conceived that our son would be a victim. While Musicman was gone, the fight escalated. That beautiful, hurt, little girl, in a rage, pulled a knife. Our son was stabbed.

That's when shit becomes very, very real. Blood everywhere. Trying to separate and de-escalate the situation. Have I mentioned recently, that I'm an older lady, don't really want to have to jump in between two young things determined to kill each other. Yet, have no choice, other than to stop it, cause I ain't burying either one of them.

Yeah, at that moment in time, life totally sucks. Instinct kicks in. Orders get issued. I did have to call in reinforcements. I couldn't control my son by myself. He's taller than me, he's thin, lanky, all muscle. Way too much for me to handle, while trying to contain her at the same time.

Cops came to my home, the ambulance came to my home. The local freaking news came to my home. Our son went to the ER, while his girlfriend went to jail. I spent the evening cleaning the blood out of my home.

I always thought about the need to protect my daughter from domestic violence. I never thought my son would be a victim. Damn, that pisses me off.