Tuesday, January 21, 2014

Cabin Fever

I've got cabin fever, bad. It's kind of ironic that I'm a barefoot, beach kinda girl and I'm stuck in one of the snowiest cities in the country. We are also getting hit with the second round of the polar vortex, with temps and wind chills of 20 below or more. I really need summer to come, now.

In addition, I have fallen ill, again. The stomach flu this time, ugh. Musicman had it first and apparently felt the need to share. That's about the only thing he has been feeling the need to share lately though. He has been very stressed about an ongoing issue that we have been dealing with. Yeah, I know, it's bad enough we have to deal with this current health issue, but this other one on top of that has just become too much for him.

He has been venting quite a bit, which I totally understand, even if I don't necessarily handle it all that well. He becomes very angry and then he explodes. I know he doesn't mean to yell at me, but I am the only one in the room, so it's difficult not to feel attacked. I wish I could just learn to ignore the anger that rolls off him in waves, but I have yet to master that. There isn't much I can do, that I'm not already doing, to help the situation, so I go into self protection mode. I withdraw, I put my walls up and let no one in. It's very lonely.

For his part, he barely notices that I'm here. Any and all dominance has ceased to exist and playtime seems forced. It feels like he is performing out of some kind of obligation. Needless to say, it's not gone all that well. He will ask me if I'm okay, I always say I am, even though we both know I'm not. He doesn't push it, most likely cause he just doesn't want one more thing to have to deal with.

My wants and needs are not a priority to him right now. I know this, I've been here before. This is an old habit, that we have allowed the stress of the situation, to pull us back into. It's not really working for either one of us, but I just can't find any good way to fix it at the moment.

I'm not upset about the situation, just kind of indifferent. I've learned over the years that that is the easiest way for me to deal with it. It ensures that I don't expend all my energy being upset over something I can do nothing about. I will do my best to wait patiently for him to shake off this mood and come back to me, for a while. Then, if it goes on too long, I will explode. We will have words, words that we've had many times before and then maybe he will finally see the damage he is doing to us. I'm sincerely hoping that doesn't happen.

20 comments:

  1. Honey, my heart goes out to you and MM both. I know how a nagging situation drags down everybody in the net. Hoping something gets resolved soon. Until then, lots of hugs and positivity coming your way.

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    1. Thanks Sunnygirl :) We really just need break, from everything. Unfortunately, that's not going to happen anytime soon, so we will keep working on resolving things.

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  2. I so, so relate to how the unrelenting stress of some situations captures all their emotional energy, and we have to go into self-protecting wait mode. May there be somehow blessings to you in the midst of it.

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    1. Life just really sucks sometimes, doesn't it? Oh well, the alternative is much worse, so I guess it's not as bad as it could be. Thanks for joining the conversation :)

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  3. It is so hard to be the patient,,,,,so hard to be the caregiver. I have been on both ends.....You need to take care of yourself...we all know how hard you work to take care of Musicman.
    hugs abby

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    1. I really am trying to take better care of myself, I'm just not that good at it yet. And, while Musicman does take good care of me, his idea of what I need and my idea of what I need are often very, very different. Something we both need to work on, even though I know he's not going to budge on his views.

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  4. Unfortunately, this sounds all too familiar. I still let it get to me even when I know I shouldn't. Master's stress or bad mood rubs off on me no matter how hard I try; it starts in my shoulders and moves to my mouth...

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    1. I've never been able to prevent his bad moods from affecting me. I have however learned not to let it move to my mouth, most of the time anyway.

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  5. I pray the stomach bug leaves quickly - I don't know of anything that can make one feel any worse physically. I haven't know you forever, but what I do know is that you and MM love one another. You're in a nasty horrible dip now and I wish is wasn't so, but dips give way to crests and I know that will happen again too. I wish it was going to be tomorrow, but I'm afraid it won't be that soon.

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    1. I looked for the truck that ran me over, but it got away, lol. I do love my husband, very much. That's why watching him be so stressed and not really being able to do anything to help hurts so much. I pray everyday for this current dip to end. I don't see it coming anytime soon either, but I won't give up. That's just not something I know how to do.

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  6. For better and for worse. To bad no one tells you how bad worse can get. Hugs. This winter is a cold one in more than one way. I hope spring gets here soon.

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    1. Yep, I took those vows too and I meant them. While this past year was extremely trying, it isn't the first one we've had. Having said that, you'd think I would know that it takes time and patience to recover. I'm just not all that good at patience. I tend to want everything yesterday.

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  7. OK, Miss Faerie. I do think you have been through the ringer…but…reading this I can see that you are foreshadowing what is to come. But…BUT…can't you head it off by communicating and trying to come up with an alternative before you have words and more damage is done? That is one of those features of TTWD…seeing the value and NEED for good communication to a healthy and effective TTWD relationship. You have needs that aren't being met…you are NOT ok. So don't tell him you are. It is one more thing that he has to deal with…but you not being ok and telling him you are doesn't make you ok…he knows it and you do to…But you're not fixing it or addressing it. Talk to him, girl. You can do this. It's not easy and it's not fun, but you are entitled to have needs AND to have them be met.

    hugs
    fiona

    (I hope I am not to soap boxy…I promise to just be supportive next time)
    (((hugs)))

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    1. No worries my friend, it's nice to have friends that will tell you the clear unvarnished truth. When he gets stressed about this particular situation he becomes almost obsessed. It makes me a bit crazy. And yes, you are right, I am entitled to have needs and have them met, but if they are going to cause him more stress, I just can't do it. But you have inspired me to try and think of someway to get through to him.

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  8. Honestly I feel about ready to explode myself and I am grateful my life is quite peaceful but still my needs are not priority or even on the list at the moment. I do hope things resolve so you do not feel so lonely and so you do not feel like you are going to explode. You have so much on your plate right now. I wish there was an "easy" button you could press like in the commercials and make all the stress and challenges disappear. And I hope you feel better soon. Sending healing energy and hugs your way.

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    1. Oh I wish there was an easy button too. I hope that we can both make it back on the list soon, preferably close to the top.

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  9. Oh Faerie, I feel for you. You are both going through a lot and the stomach flu on top certainly doesn't help! He is venting at the situation, not at you.

    Sending positive thoughts that things get easier soon.

    (((Hugs)))
    Roz

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    1. I do know he is venting at the situation and not me. He even reminds me of that on occasion. Unfortunately, since I identify as an empathy, it doesn't really matter. I can physically feel his stress and pain like a knife to the gut. Not taking it personally is something I constantly work on, but I don't always succeed.

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  10. Sorry you are both going through this. Sending love and hugs,
    Ronnie
    xx

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    1. Thanks for the support Ronnie. It's very much appreciated.

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