I've got cabin fever, bad. It's kind of ironic that I'm a barefoot, beach kinda girl and I'm stuck in one of the snowiest cities in the country. We are also getting hit with the second round of the polar vortex, with temps and wind chills of 20 below or more. I really need summer to come, now.
In addition, I have fallen ill, again. The stomach flu this time, ugh. Musicman had it first and apparently felt the need to share. That's about the only thing he has been feeling the need to share lately though. He has been very stressed about an ongoing issue that we have been dealing with. Yeah, I know, it's bad enough we have to deal with this current health issue, but this other one on top of that has just become too much for him.
He has been venting quite a bit, which I totally understand, even if I don't necessarily handle it all that well. He becomes very angry and then he explodes. I know he doesn't mean to yell at me, but I am the only one in the room, so it's difficult not to feel attacked. I wish I could just learn to ignore the anger that rolls off him in waves, but I have yet to master that. There isn't much I can do, that I'm not already doing, to help the situation, so I go into self protection mode. I withdraw, I put my walls up and let no one in. It's very lonely.
For his part, he barely notices that I'm here. Any and all dominance has ceased to exist and playtime seems forced. It feels like he is performing out of some kind of obligation. Needless to say, it's not gone all that well. He will ask me if I'm okay, I always say I am, even though we both know I'm not. He doesn't push it, most likely cause he just doesn't want one more thing to have to deal with.
My wants and needs are not a priority to him right now. I know this, I've been here before. This is an old habit, that we have allowed the stress of the situation, to pull us back into. It's not really working for either one of us, but I just can't find any good way to fix it at the moment.
I'm not upset about the situation, just kind of indifferent. I've learned over the years that that is the easiest way for me to deal with it. It ensures that I don't expend all my energy being upset over something I can do nothing about. I will do my best to wait patiently for him to shake off this mood and come back to me, for a while. Then, if it goes on too long, I will explode. We will have words, words that we've had many times before and then maybe he will finally see the damage he is doing to us. I'm sincerely hoping that doesn't happen.