Tuesday, October 2, 2012

Blending My Sub Sides

Describe who you might submit to and how.  Are you exclusively submissive in marriage or just in the bedroom?  Are you submissive only in the context of a scene or in a role or throughout your daily life?  Are you submissive to play partners or only in the context of a relationship?

This is a hard one for me because I see my mental and emotional submission as separate from my sexual submission. Mentally and emotionally, I am submissive to my husband and partner, Musicman. I always have been, not because of some innate desire to be submissive, just because that was what felt right to me, to us as a couple. I've got the 24/7 day to day sub thing down pat, in fact he often says I make things too easy for him. Can't help him there, he will just have to live with it.

What is new is the sexual submission, we dabbled with it a bit at the beginning. I enjoyed it for the most part, but it wasn't a need, more just something different to try out on occasion. It was fun, but I could take it or leave it. We eventually ended up leaving it, it was something that just got left by the wayside. It wasn't something either one of us particularly missed or wanted back, until I did want it back.

I'm starting to accept that it is a natural progression for me, but it's also where a lot of my guilt originates. Guilt because I didn't particularly want it before. Guilt because having said no before I'm now almost begging for it. It's a complete about face for me, and I don't know that having asked him to tone it down before that it's now fair to ask him for the opposite.

He doesn't see this need in me as anything new, he sees it as a need to up the intensity of what we already had. To some extent I think that's true, at least from where he sits. For me, it seems new, the emotions evoked by D/s play certainly are new too me. The mental/emotional highs are higher then I've ever been. Conversely, the mental/emotional lows when things don't go well are lower then I've ever been. Those lows spark the questions and the doubts. Questions and doubts that I never had before and I find extremely hard to deal with, but it is getting easier.

So it seems I've done it a bit backwards and haphazardly. I was submissive within my relationship, outside the bedroom, and didn't even really realize it. . Now we are growing to include bedroom play within the scope also, and trying to blend the two is the challenge. It should be easier, but 2+ plus decades of habits, ways of interacting, can be tough to change.

12 comments:

  1. Instead of worrying about what happened in the past, just look ahead to where you will go from here. In reading your post it certainly does not seem like MM is worrying about what has happened before. Perhaps if you would not have stepped back things would not be working so well now.

    I know the lows can be awful, we have been faced with A LOT of them recently and it is really difficult during those times but they do make the good time even better.

    hugs

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    1. It's only during the lows that these emotions and doubts come to the fore. I'm working on eliminating those doubts.

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  2. You may not have been ready before, but whatever the reason, now seems to be the right time for you to embrace the sexual side of your submission and that's great.

    It sounds like he is totally open to helping you explore all of this, so I hope you are able to let go of some of that guilt!

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    1. I wish it where easier to let it go, I'm working on it and it is getting easier.

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  3. The title of your post appealed to me because I feel like this is something I'm doing as well. More than just blending my sub sides, we are now blending the different parts of our dynamic together. It's different, certainly a change, but it feels good and it feels comfortable. As far as blending the sub sides of me, it's like I'm able to draw upon parts of me that I had before only reserved for certain scenarios to help me in other areas. It's another leg of our journey.

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    1. Not much has changed for us outside the bedroom, and for the most part that side is wonderful too. It's just the occasions when things don't go so well and my reactions to those times, that I am driven to find answers for.

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  4. I see I have a far to simple idea about the growth of submission.
    Blending different kinds of submission could be challenging indeed.
    Good that Musicman is OK with what has happened and what is happening.

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    1. You hang on to your simple views, especially if they work for you. We are all unique and this is just my experience.

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  5. Just move forward, the past is over and done. There is only what's left of today and tomorrow. You and MM are almost always in sync and there in lies the solution.

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    1. Great advice, easier said then done sometimes, But I'm working on it. I wanted to do the 30 days questions for a reason, at this point I think they might be my swan song.

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  6. (((hugs))) faerie, I hear the distance in your 'voice', and I'm sorry that you are feeling what you are feeling and doubting.I've been there too, and it's kind of cyclic for me, right now in fact, as I type this because empathic me feels it, and it's on top of my own.

    If it is your swan song, you have my email, sweetie, please use it. I'd hate to lose my friend.

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  7. I have no answers. Just I am here for you and I hear you. I am sorry for the doubting and hope you find the clarity you need. For me I think I long to be submissive in the bedroom. In day to day life we just follow our day to day routine...we work as a team or we take turns...sometimes I lead sometimes he leads sometimes I follow sometimes he follows...and somehow it works for us. Would I follow if he led, absolutely, but I don't think he wishes to and I am happy as we are in that regard. In the bedroom I would feel valued, loved, and somehow more free if I could be led and discover my own submission. I could lose self-control and for me I think that would be great. Hugs, Terps

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