Blending My Sub Sides

Describe who you might submit to and how.  Are you exclusively submissive in marriage or just in the bedroom?  Are you submissive only in the context of a scene or in a role or throughout your daily life?  Are you submissive to play partners or only in the context of a relationship?

This is a hard one for me because I see my mental and emotional submission as separate from my sexual submission. Mentally and emotionally, I am submissive to my husband and partner, Musicman. I always have been, not because of some innate desire to be submissive, just because that was what felt right to me, to us as a couple. I've got the 24/7 day to day sub thing down pat, in fact he often says I make things too easy for him. Can't help him there, he will just have to live with it.

What is new is the sexual submission, we dabbled with it a bit at the beginning. I enjoyed it for the most part, but it wasn't a need, more just something different to try out on occasion. It was fun, but I could take it or leave it. We eventually ended up leaving it, it was something that just got left by the wayside. It wasn't something either one of us particularly missed or wanted back, until I did want it back.

I'm starting to accept that it is a natural progression for me, but it's also where a lot of my guilt originates. Guilt because I didn't particularly want it before. Guilt because having said no before I'm now almost begging for it. It's a complete about face for me, and I don't know that having asked him to tone it down before that it's now fair to ask him for the opposite.

He doesn't see this need in me as anything new, he sees it as a need to up the intensity of what we already had. To some extent I think that's true, at least from where he sits. For me, it seems new, the emotions evoked by D/s play certainly are new too me. The mental/emotional highs are higher then I've ever been. Conversely, the mental/emotional lows when things don't go well are lower then I've ever been. Those lows spark the questions and the doubts. Questions and doubts that I never had before and I find extremely hard to deal with, but it is getting easier.

So it seems I've done it a bit backwards and haphazardly. I was submissive within my relationship, outside the bedroom, and didn't even really realize it. . Now we are growing to include bedroom play within the scope also, and trying to blend the two is the challenge. It should be easier, but 2+ plus decades of habits, ways of interacting, can be tough to change.