Another One Bite's The Dust...or...Happy New Year

I'm not much of a writer. This blog is the only journal I've kept up with for more then a few days. I'm also not one to look back much, I tend to focus on what's ahead instead of what's behind. Most likely that's because so often when I looked back it was painful for me.

Then I met Musicman and my life changed, for the better. We lay in bed sometimes, in the dark of night, or in the early morning hours, and I ask him the hard questions. Are you happy? Do we have a good life? I know what my answers are, but I want to hear his. I need to know his.

I'm thrilled to say, his answers usually match mine. We are happy, we have a good life. That's really what is most important to me. What's important to us. We've faced our challenges over the years, but we've always come out the other side stronger for them.

I've looked back over my posts and thought back about the year past. It started a bit rough, with him in the hospital. As I sat in that waiting room all by myself, and I needed some one to share with and someone to support me, I posted his progress, and ya'll were there for me. I'm so grateful for that, so grateful for finding this community.

I started a new job and then quit when it wasn't a good fit. I started another new job, and then after a few months took a new position within that organization. I struggled with the women I work with, cause I don't really understand why people have to be so judgemental and mean. He's been there to support me and spank me when needed. You've all been there for me too, when I needed to vent. That means more to me then I can express.

Our son, our baby, moved out, we adjusted to an empty nest with nary a hitch in the program. This was our original goal after all.  We filled our time playing until our hearts content. Our daughter struggled, and moved back in. Empty nest gone, privacy, gone. We'll figure it out as we go along.

As I look back at this year, the challenges we've met, I know it hasn't been as bad as some in our past. I'm grateful for that. I don't know what the New Year will bring, but I do know, I can face anything, as long as I have him by my side.

He is my reward, my prize and my salvation. He takes me to heights I've never dreamed of or imagined. I love him with the deepest depths of my soul. I happily look forward to whatever challenges the new year brings. With him at my side I can conquer anything.

We will celebrate the new year as we usually do, connecting with each other, in the most basic of ways. We started some time ago, it's become a tradition. We end the old year and start the new one as we intend to carry on throughout. We connect, soul touching soul, it's a truly beautiful thing.

Through the Looking Glass

When our daughter moved back in with us she didn't bring a lot of stuff, but too much stuff for the room she is in. One of the things she brought that never made it up to the room is a large mirror. She didn't need it in the room as the closet doors in that room are mirrored. It's also quite heavy, so it is currently located in our living room, leaning up against a wall. It's the mirror I used to take the self pics I posted a few posts back.

A week or so ago Musicman commented that it might be fun to play in front of the mirror. Sounded good to me, but privacy has been an issue. Neither of us want to be in the middle of playtime and have our daughter come home, especially since she usually has her boyfriend with her. She had the weekend off of work and decided to spend it with him at his place. I made sure to ask before she left if she planned be home that night. She said no. I did mention to Musicman that we would have the house to ourselves.

After a long day of errands and chores, we settled in to watch a movie, then some dinner and showers for both of us. I've learned not to anticipate playtime too much, cause that way I'm not disappointed if it doesn't happen. I was lounging on the bed in one of Musicman's favorite silk nighties when he got out of the shower. When he went around to the far side of the bed to retrieve the leather paddle from the headboard, the butterflies in my tummy came to life.

He came back around the bed and pulled me up and into his arms. I snuggled in and buried my head in his neck as he started swatting me. Every so often he'd back me up a bit, pull down the top of my nightie and give the girls some attention with the paddle also. Then he'd pull me back in and start again on my backside. A few rounds of that and I was starting to experience jelly legs. I didn't think I was going to be able to remain upright too much longer.

Suddenly he stopped swatting me, reached for my shoulders and turned me towards the bedroom door. Hunh? Coherent thought was not possible for me at that moment. One word, cleared up my confusion though, "downstairs", is all he said. As I think back on it, it was kinda comical. As I started to walk I sorta bounced off walls as I zig zagged my way through the hallway and down the stairs. Musicman followed me swatting the whole way.

He placed the padded footstool directly in front of the mirror and instructed me to bend over. Of course I did. I think the image of myself bent over the stool, him standing next to me, holding my head up with a firm grip on my pony tail and paddling me will be forever burned into my brain. He alternated between my rather ample backside and my lady parts, all while I watched in the mirror. When my head would start to droop he would reach for my pony tail again and pull it back up so I had to look.

I don't know how long he paddled me. Long enough for my butt to feel the burn oh so nicely, along with the lady parts. I was lost in a haze of sensation and  just as the jelly legs started to get critical he stopped. He pulled me back up, turned me towards the stairs and gave me a swat to get me going. Again, I bounced off the walls as he followed me up, swatting all the way.

When we arrived in the bedroom, he started issuing directions again. I did everything I was directed, cause when I'm in that head space I always do. Several orgasms later I finally collapsed on the lounge in a heap, the jelly legs had spread to encompass my entire body. I love that feeling.

I'm seriously considering trying to talk our daughter out of that mirror when she moves out.

Finally...He let me...

... wear my do me boots out of the house.

We had been invited to see Doc's band play last night. We don't go out all that much anymore, but we always enjoy going to see Doc play. I debated all day about what to wear. I really wanted to wear my white jean mini skirt(totally rocks wth the boots), but I didn't think I would get that past Musicman. Plus, there's a foot of snow on the ground and temp's below freezing, kinda makes a mini skirt a bit impractical. Of course, 4" stiletto heels aren't very practical either in that kind of weather, but sometimes it's just too much fun being impractical.

Instead, I chose some jean leggings and a cap sleeve, tunic style sweater. I hurried home after work to get ready. My thought was, if he saw me all dressed and ready to go, I might get away with it. He liked it and I did get to wear them. Walking through the snow in them was a bit of a challenge, but Musicman helped me with that. Once we got inside, they were very easy to walk, or should I say strut in. With boots like those you can't help but strut.

Musicman is a very possesive man, and he see's me as his most valuable possesion. I've know this from the very beginning, though it did take a few years to accept. Over the years friends have tried to talk him into letting me wear certain things(a black bathing suit I owned when we met, comes to mind), but no luck.

He never cared who said what, including me, I was his and he doesn't share. That's what he always says anyway. That hasn't changed, but something has. I think what has changed is the fact that I now acknowledge and even revel in the fact that I am his possesion. If he had said no, that I couldn't wear the boots, I would have taken them off. I have another pair that have a sensible heel and stop below the knee that would have worked with my outfit too.

I'm so happy he didn't say no, the boots were a big hit and the topic of many a conversation throughout the night. Yes, I'm a bit of an attention whore, I admit that. One thing I noticed last night, and the last time we went out to see Doc play, is that we must exude some kind of under current. An undercurrent of our dynamic apparently. Ya see, I'm used to getting stared at, and receiving compliments from other men. Musicman doesn't like that at all, and I don't encourage them.

Men still stare at me, but they no longer compliment me. They compliment him, about me. It's a little weird to be sitting right there and have other men tell Musicman how hot I am, or that they want to do his wife. The shit eating grin that Musicman gets on his face when they say those things is pretty hilarious too.

Would Chocolate Help?

I'm feeling a bit scattered today, kinda sluggish and low energy. Subdrop, I suppose. Considering the intensity and frequency we have been playing lately, I'm not surprised. I actually expected it yesterday, which is why I kept myself busy. I've found it helps me to work through it if I stay busy.

Today I feel like an addict looking for her next fix. The bubble of submissiveness and contentment I've been living in is thinning and I don't want it to break. I like how it insulates me from the world, nothing negative can reach me there. I want to lose myself in the safety and innocence of his Dominance.

I want to wallow in the freedom, letting my thoughts wander, unhindered, wherever they may go. I want to lose myself in the memories that evoke such strong physical reactions. I want to feed all the desires that seem to suddenly be so far away.

I try to reason with myself. It's only been one day since we played last. It's only sex. In the over all scheme of things, this isn't all that important. The problem with that is, I don't really believe myself. In the over all scheme of things, it is just sex, but that's important to me. Maybe, more important then it should be.

Of course, it's not just about the sex, it's about the Dominance and the pain. I crave those things sometimes. The dominance is always there, but I feel it most strongly when it comes with the pain, which for us, leads to more. It's that wonderful combination of sexual satisfaction combined with the submissive mindset that comes from the pain and the Dominance that I crave.

I have realized that the more I get those things, the more I want them. It's become an insatiable need. I'm not sure if that's a good thing or a bad thing. I just know I don't like this in between feeling. Which seems so silly, what grown women can't handle going a few days without a spanking or sex?

Do ya 'spose chocolate would help?

Sex Coma

I'm feeling a bit stuck. Stuck in a sex coma. We haven't spent much time focusing on the holidays. It's just been too difficult this year. Too difficult to decorate and shop and bake and plan. I don't think I fully realized how much I was ignoring the holidays until I wrote about it in my last post. He did though.

What I do know is that ignoring all those things about the holidays left us with plenty of time and energy. Time and energy to play, and play we have. We've only missed one day in the last week and half. We've made up for it by playing multiple times some days. We've poured all our energy into connecting with each other.

Spankings have occurred on an almost daily basis. I've been spanked with the magic paddle and the leather paddle. He's spanked my ass, my pussy and the girls, repeatedly.  He's sucked me and fucked me until I couldn't see straight. I'm certainly not walking straight, nor sitting easily.

Baby...can I suck your cock? I've asked that more times then I can count in the last few days. I've felt the need to connect, that's how I connect. I've licked and sucked him in deep, then retreated to lick again. I've tasted him on my tongue and worn him on my skin. A badge of honor, in my opinion, I've earned the right to to wear it.

The holidays aren't about religion for us, they're about family. Circumstances have reduced our family to just the two of us. We've taken advantage of that. We've played and played and played some more. We've connected in the most primal, basic of ways. I've needed that.

He's given me the most exquisite pain and the most unimaginable pleasures. It's mind blowing. I've begged for more and melted in satisfaction. The kind of gift he gives, can't be bought. The kind of gift he gives, can't be wrapped. The kind of gift he gives, isn't saved just for the holidays. He gives me this gift year round.

I get 6 holidays a year. Six reasons to celebrate. That's what society says anyway. What does society know? I have him every day of the year. That's reason enough to celebrate every day.

Christmas Memories

Christmas, in general is a difficult time of year for me. So many conflicting emotions sparked by memories, both good and bad.

As a child I was terribly torn about Christmas. It came with plenty of gifts, what kid doesn't love those? But it presented a challenge of another kind for me too. Holidays as a child did not include visits with extended family or trips to Grandma's house. No, holidays at my house were just my parents, siblings and myself. My most powerful memories of holidays as a child were trying to find a way to escape notice, stay out of the line of fire, and get through them unscathed. It seemed to me like I was the only kid in the world that looked forward to Janaury 2, so I could go back to school.

Then there were the years I was alone. They were peaceful times, but also very lonely. The only gifts I received were the obligatory Secret Santa gifts from co-workers. I didn't decorate, or put up a tree, or bake cookies, or plan special meals. Within the walls of my apartment, Christmas didn't exist. The best gift I received during those times, was knowing that even though I was alone, I was safe.

Then I met Musicman, we had been dating less then 2 months when our first Christmas rolled around. He took me to his Grandmother's house. Well, he tried, but it was blizzarding out, and his car died half way there. His Dad came and picked us up, quite the way to meet your future father-in-law for the first time.

I remember so clearly, getting to the house, walking in, all noise stopped as dozens of eyes turned to look at me. I didn't want to go in, I wanted to run the other way, as fast and as far as I could. Needless to say, Musicman didn't let me do that, I can still remember his hand on my back, gently pushing me through the door.  It was a bit overwhelming, meeting all these people for the first time. It was also the first time I had the chance to see what a normal family holiday was like. I was hooked.

We spent many a year going to his family's home on holidays. They were hectic, but filled with love, warmth and affection. They were the holidays I had dreamed of as a child and thought I'd never have. Our daughter was 8 months old her first Christmas. I didn't want to put up a tree. I thought it was too much work and she wasn't old enough to remember. That was not acceptable to my Father-in-law. He got us a tree and lights and ornaments from his Mother, Musicman's grandmother. When I got home from work, it was all up and decorated. I realized how wrong I had been.

Thirteen years ago, caught up in the hecticness of preparing for Christmas with 2 small children, we received a call that would change not only our lives, but the holidays too. We got the call that the organ Musicman needed to stay alive and healthy was available. We were on the road to the hospital, 2 hours away within a half hour. The next 2 weeks were a blurr of of stress and worry. I worried about Musicman and his recovery, I worried about my kids who weren't with us. They were back home with his family.

He was determined he would be home for Christmas with the kids. Against medical advice, we drove home through a blizzard on Christmas Eve. He was so sick Christmas day, he couldn't get out of bed, but we were home and things were as good as we could make them for our kids. We left the day after Christmas to go back the hospital for another week of treatment before coming home to stay.

The intervening years have been ones of great loss, so many family members are now gone. There is no more going to Grandma's house on Christmas Eve, no more of my father-in-law's homemade egg nog with just the right amount of rum. No more Christmas day at Great Grandma's house surrounded by aunts, uncles and cousins. There is no more eating too much, drinking too much and loading overtired kids into a car stuffed too full with presents. I miss it.

We did our best over the years to make our own traditions and give our kids great holiday memories. I think we succeeded, but I'm not sure. I was so looking forward to Christmas last year. I planned to bake, and decorate and get the best presents for everyone. I wanted to start to bring back some of the traditions that death had stolen from us. It didn't work out that way.

Musicman was once again in the hospital, this time at least, it was a hospital close to home. The operation he underwent saved his life and ensured that he would be here with me for many more Christmases to come. But, it wiped out Christmas last year. I just didn't have the time for anything other then caring for him while he recovered. Our kids were old enough to understand, but it still seemed unfair to them.

This year, I didn't have the heart to do Christmas. It just seems like every time I try to get it back on track and plan something special to mark the holidays that something bad happens. I didn't want anything bad to happen, so I've ignored the holidays this year. There is no tree, or decorations. I've not bought a single present, or sent any Christmas cards.

I did find a recipe for egg nog that is similar to the one my father-in-law made. I will be baking Musicman's favorite cookies today. That's all he asked for when we talked about what to do for the holidays. I'll work for a few hours tomorrow morning, but after that, it will just be Musicman and I. We will celebrate quietly, we'll drink some egg nog and eat some cookies and maybe share our favorite memories of Christmases past. When the pain of what we no longer have becomes too much, we'll turn to each other for comfort and be grateful for everything we still do have.

Happy Holidays

                                HAPPY HOLIDAYS !!!!!!

 

Photo by Allen Teger

 

I love this man's photos. I find them to be a unique and intriguing view of the female anatomy. If you are interested in seeing more, click here to check them out.

 

 

I was browsing through some of the galleries and found two pics that aren't of the female anatomy. Here's one that highlights the male anatomy. It's not holiday related, but I found it amusing and thought I'd share.

 

 

 

 

 Merry Christmas Everyone!!!