DD...with a twist.

Musicman often says that I'm a deep thinker. He's right about that. I've always been envious of the fact that he seems to have the ability to turn his mind off. Mine runs constantly, on multiple tracks which sometimes collide. That's never a pretty sight.

One of the things my mind seems to be obsessed with is how I got to be this way. When I say "this way" I mean, where did my submissive side come from? I don't know why I am so obsessed with figuring this out, understanding it won't change anything for me. It's sorta like the question, which came first, the chicken or the egg? Does it really matter? No, yet I still waste so much thought on it.

These thoughts often take me back to the beginning. One of the things I have realized is that at the beginning, our relationship really was a DD relationship. I don't identify as a DD wife. I do not get punished if I misbehave. Of course, I so rarely misbehave that if I relied on that to get spanked, it would never happen.

That is not because I'm perfect, believe me, I'm not. What I am is very well trained. Which makes me wonder, how did that happen? Well, that's why I say we did have a DD relationship at the beginning.

Did he spank me back then when I displeased him? Oh! Hell! No! If he had tried that, I would have decked him, probably still would. We don't even pretend to do punishment or what I've sometimes heard termed as funishment. I just don't believe that would be something mentally I could handle.

That is not a judgement of the DD couples that do use spanking as punishment. If it works for you, go for it. I just know, it would never have worked for me. Any kind of blatant punishment would cause me to shut down completely. That does not mean though that there were not consequences and accountability, there were.

He has always had his standards, his expectations of me and how I behave. In the beginning it wasn't easy for me to conform to his standards, or to meet his expectations of me. I struggled quite a bit early on, it was slow going in the beginning. Epic fights occured.

There have always been consequences for my actions. Those consequences were never a spanking, they were something much more meaningful to me. 

The most effective tool in his arsenal is for him to shut me out. Ignoring me is the absolute worst thing he could do to me. That was often the tool he used to punish me if I misbehaved or acted out. I don't know that I actually thought of it as punishment at the time. What I did think was, I didn't like the way I was being treated and if I behaved, acted in a way he found acceptable, he wouldn't do that to me.

Conversely, if I was behaving well, in a way he approved of, he was always quick to praise me. Positive reinforcement is what I respond best to. He seemed to instinctively know that about me, or maybe that is an ingrained reaction for him. I don't know, but that doesn't really matter. What does matter is the fact that I very quickly learned how to be the woman, the wife, he needed and wanted.

Pleasing him has become second nature to me and I think that is a very good thing. I don't struggle with expectations. I have no issues with putting his needs and desires before my own. I know, without a doubt, he will always be there to meet my every need. I can do no less for him, he deserves that and so much more from me.

The Thing About Being faerie

The thing about being faerie is, it is simply a mindset for me. I suppose you could say it is a submissive mindset, but I'm not so sure about  that. For me, it is an innocence, an unsullied part of me. The part of me that feels the joy in life so intensely. The part of me that I protected from all the ugliness and darkness in my world. Protected so fiercely that I wasn't even aware that part of me existed for way too long.

When I started exploring this part of my personality and gave her a voice, it felt right. It felt like I had found the real me. I didn't know I wasn't the real me before I discovered her. I didn't really feel like there was something missing, until I did.

The more I indulged her, let her think and speak, the more comfortable I became being her. In typical me fashion, I dove into that mindset with both feet. I liked being her, or me, but there where things I couldn't seem to handle in that mindset.

I probably could have worked at it a little harder, but I didn't want to do that. My instinct has always been to protect her and that's what I did. I tucked her away and wouldn't let her speak anymore. Even though I wouldn't let her speak, she never went away. I always felt her, hiding in the back of my mind. I missed being her, but I didn't want her to have to deal with the things that seemed so tough for me at the time.

Not being her hasn't really changed much for us as a couple. Musicman knows exactly how to get her to come out. I actually find it ironic that she seems so innocent, yet she responds to the pain and domination as if she was born to it. I suppose maybe that's because when Musicman is letting his dominant side reign she feels protected. She needs that protection.

That has been one of the hardest things for me to admit. That I need some one, that I need things I can't give to, or do for, myself. I'm not very good at allowing myself to need people, never have been. I know that is because of my past, abuse will do that to a person.

I think she has slowly been emerging over the years because of Musicman. Because he has always taken such good care of me. He's the only person in my life to ever really care if I was happy or not. My experience before him, or with most of the people in my life has been, what can I do for them? None of them ever really cared about the fact that the things they needed from me might not be so good for me.

I could have stopped doing those things at any time, except that I didn't. I didn't because I think I equated being needed with being loved. I now know that being needed in that way wasn't love and wasn't good for me. I also realize that it has taken years of being with Musicman and hearing him tell me those things before I really accepted it.

faerie is me, but, so is Lolita. Lolita is the tough street kid all grown up. Lolita is the one that doesn't take any crap from anyone. Lolita is my dark side. Conversely, faerie is my light side, faerie is the one that embraces and enjoys life. As faerie, I am playful and silly and always up for some fun. It really is Musicman's job to protect faerie and he's good at it, but he's not superman.

He can't be with me 24/7, as much as I would love it if he could be. Musicman can't protect me from the heartbreak that kids can sometimes inflict. He can't protect me from illness and loss that is a natural part of life. I know he would if he could, but he can't. When he can't, I will retreat into Lolita, she wll protect faerie, because even she knows faerie is the most precious part of me. I won't silence her again.