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When I started exploring this part of my personality and gave her a voice, it felt right. It felt like I had found the real me. I didn't know I wasn't the real me before I discovered her. I didn't really feel like there was something missing, until I did.
The more I indulged her, let her think and speak, the more comfortable I became being her. In typical me fashion, I dove into that mindset with both feet. I liked being her, or me, but there where things I couldn't seem to handle in that mindset.
I probably could have worked at it a little harder, but I didn't want to do that. My instinct has always been to protect her and that's what I did. I tucked her away and wouldn't let her speak anymore. Even though I wouldn't let her speak, she never went away. I always felt her, hiding in the back of my mind. I missed being her, but I didn't want her to have to deal with the things that seemed so tough for me at the time.
Not being her hasn't really changed much for us as a couple. Musicman knows exactly how to get her to come out. I actually find it ironic that she seems so innocent, yet she responds to the pain and domination as if she was born to it. I suppose maybe that's because when Musicman is letting his dominant side reign she feels protected. She needs that protection.
That has been one of the hardest things for me to admit. That I need some one, that I need things I can't give to, or do for, myself. I'm not very good at allowing myself to need people, never have been. I know that is because of my past, abuse will do that to a person.
I think she has slowly been emerging over the years because of Musicman. Because he has always taken such good care of me. He's the only person in my life to ever really care if I was happy or not. My experience before him, or with most of the people in my life has been, what can I do for them? None of them ever really cared about the fact that the things they needed from me might not be so good for me.
I could have stopped doing those things at any time, except that I didn't. I didn't because I think I equated being needed with being loved. I now know that being needed in that way wasn't love and wasn't good for me. I also realize that it has taken years of being with Musicman and hearing him tell me those things before I really accepted it.
faerie is me, but, so is Lolita. Lolita is the tough street kid all grown up. Lolita is the one that doesn't take any crap from anyone. Lolita is my dark side. Conversely, faerie is my light side, faerie is the one that embraces and enjoys life. As faerie, I am playful and silly and always up for some fun. It really is Musicman's job to protect faerie and he's good at it, but he's not superman.
He can't be with me 24/7, as much as I would love it if he could be. Musicman can't protect me from the heartbreak that kids can sometimes inflict. He can't protect me from illness and loss that is a natural part of life. I know he would if he could, but he can't. When he can't, I will retreat into Lolita, she wll protect faerie, because even she knows faerie is the most precious part of me. I won't silence her again.
