Caught in His Web

Sometimes, the urge, the need, to write, is overwhelming. Those are usually the times that my thoughts are so scrambled they aren't going to make much sense. The times that I can't even begin to grasp a tail and hang on until the logical end.  Cause there really is no logical end.

My mind bombards me:
objectification,
slave,
orgasm denial,

yes,
yes,
yes.

"Then why", asks my ever curious mind, "if I want it so much, does it make me feel so bad?"

Granted...I'm getting much better in dealing with it, but I still feel as if I have a long row to hoe.

It feels like failure. I'm not one that does failure so well. In general, it bothers me immensely. Especially when it's something I really want. I just never really accept no for an answer.

But how do I fix it? I always think I can fix everything. See above; about not taking no for an answer.

I've been fighting for an answer to this situation for awhile now. I think, maybe, I have been avoiding the answer. Because it's somewhat uncomfortable for me to admit.

I've known for some time now that it is all about the pain for me. Except it's not really that simple, cause the pain, without his control, just doesn't work for me. I also know that just because I have a burgeoning masochist fighting to come out, does not mean he is a sadist. Or ever will be.

So caught in his web, not really struggling to get away. It's a conundrum I feel eternally lost in.

Within His Boundaries

I've been a bit intrigued, mystified and in awe, of something that happened just the other night. It was a brief conversation, yet it threw me into a bit of a tail spin. It made my mind spin into knots that seemed way too complicated to even begin to try and unravel. Those are the times that make me appreciate housework.

I find it easiest to unwrap the knots while doing mindless, physical labor. I've cooked, I've cleaned, I've baked. I've folded laundry, gathered garbage and scrubbed until my hands are raw and aching. An aha moment was the result.

I've realized that I still continue to fail at being a good sub. I think back to the things he asks of me and realize that I still very much try to control and dictate how the situation will play out. My initial thoughts generate many reasons, excuses if you will, as to why I can't, or won't, do what he asks of me.

I have the stray, absent thought, that I deserve more from him, and then I can give him what he wants. Wow. What a fraud I am. In my heart, I know, that's not really the way it's supposed to work. Cue the guilt.

I've let him down, I have disappointed him. I've not lived up to the commitment I've made. I've let my imagination run away with me. I've pictured how it looks to me, never remembering that his point of view is vastly different from mine. I've wanted what I want, when I want, how I want it and if I don't get it, then he doesn't get a particularly cooperative sub.

A moment of realization, that does not exactly reflect well on me, but none the less, is the truth. It's like a virtual slap in the face. As much as I say I want to give up control, as much as I feel like I want and need to give up control, I realize that I still fight it, and him.

Yes, there are things he could do that would help me get past that, but how I picture it happening in my head, is not the way he operates. That's what I need to let go. I can't really dictate how he exerts control. I crave the control, but I need to learn to work within his boundaries of control.

I' m trying, I'm struggling, but I continue to try and get it right.

His Proposal

No, I do not mean a proposal of marriage. That came a few decades ago and technically, I think I was the one that proposed, but that's a story for another day. 

He proposed a new rule. Yes, I said a "rule". That threw me off a little, cause we don't have rules, per se. We have expectations, but not rules, and now he is proposing one.

He proposed a rule regarding a specific act of service to be done daily. My first thought, Ummm...okay, I could do that. The proposed act is something I enjoy immensely, so performing it daily would be easy for me.

Then I really started thinking about it. I realized that not only would it be easy for me, but it's something I really do want to do, for many reasons. I realized that this particular act would be a wonderful way him for to exert more control, something I would like, but don't push for.

There are many different ways this act can be completed, he knows it and so do I. I have let my imagination run away with me a bit. I've thought of all the many scenario's that could occur surrounding this act and the fact that he controls all of them. That is something I find very hot, something I really do want.

I also realized that if we really do put this rule into place that it will definitely help him grow as a dominant. He has always shied away from asking me for this particular thing. I'm not sure why, but I think he thinks it is selfish of him. That's it's something a man shouldn't ask for too often maybe? I know he believes whenever we are intimate I should always be satisfied. That's not something I am going to argue with by any means, but I don't think he realizes that I do find this satisfying.

If it were the only thing that ever happened, I wouldn't find it that way, but if he is in control of the situation, he can choose how it plays out. That's what I want, that's what I find so appealing about this proposal. It would be a blatant show of his control on a daily basis. Yep, I'd most definitely be good with this rule.

He hasn't really implemented it, yet. I don't even know if he has really thought any more about it, but I hope he does. I think I could get used to having rules if this is going to be our first one.

My New Love Affair

I always find it hard to come back here to blogland when I've been away for awhile. I just never really know where to start. While it was entirely necessary for me to take a step back while Musicman was recovering from his recent medical issues, I never intended to be gone for almost a month. As usual, life got hectic and time just got away from me.

Anyway,  it was important to me that I give Musicman the time he needed to recover without any pressure from me. That would not have helped him. I really wanted to be patient enough that things would return to normal in an organic way. I think I also wanted to test him a bit and see if D/s would return to our relationship without me pushing it back in.

I am thrilled to report that he has recovered quite nicely. In fact, much to both our surprises, things are better than they ever were. Neither one of us realized that the medical issue he had been dealing with was affecting our sex lives, cause it was never bad. Now, in hindsight, we have both realized that things could be so much better.

Musicman has decided that our lack of privacy(yes, the kids are all still living with us) will no longer stop us from indulging in playtime whenever the mood strikes. Let me just say, the mood strikes much more frequently than it used too and that makes me very happy.

Since the cane is a relatively quiet implement, it now gets used often. I am developing quite the love affair with the cane. I love the initial sting. Yes, it takes my breath away, but then I breathe through it.  The resultant burn that follows, spreads throughout my body, melting me along the way. Yep, definitely in love with the cane.

While the cane is a quiet implement, even when vigorously applied, I am not necessarily all that quiet. That has resulted in me almost always finding myself face down, ass up, with a pillow firmly planted in reach of my mouth. It may be wise to invest in a few shares of a pillow company, cause judging from all the teeth marks currently marking my pillows, I will need to invest in new ones on a regular basis.

So, that's what I've been up to in the last month, among other things. Hopefully it won't take me so long to talk about those things, cause they've caused the thoughts in my head to begin swirling with the need to write again.