The Problem is, I Don't Know What the Problem is.

When I first proposed we add D/s to our relationship it wasn't in an attempt to fix anything. We had always been good together and nothing really needed fixing. I proposed it to fulfill a growing desire in myself that was emerging. A desire to be more submissive, a desire for him to be more dominant.

I did have some qualms about proposing this change. Though for us, it wasn't really a change as much as it was an increase in intensity of our play. Musicman was very quick to point that out to me. He pointed out that he has always been the one in charge and I have always been the one that followed, so no real change in our day to day lives, at least outside the bedroom.

I had no idea when I first proposed this how deeply it would effect me. I did however worry that if it didn't work what might happen. I worried that I would become dependent upon a stronger show of dominance from him and that things wouldn't go well if it wasn't always there. I worried that in an attempt to make a great relationship better, it might backfire and ruin it all together.

That is exactly what seems to be happening. The last few times we have come together it hasn't been very good for me. I have gone from being multi orgasmic to not being able to achieve even one. This has been occurring for a couple weeks now. It sucks and I don't know why it's happening, that sucks even more.

He is quite rightly frustrated with me. He has never been the kind of man that takes without making sure I get a happy ending or more. I am devastated by this. Sex with Musicman has always been wonderfully satisfying, a connection of the souls. I miss that so much.

We have talked about this, he wants to know why this is happening. I have no answers for him. I don't know why this is happening. I don't know how to fix it. I could speculate that it is a lack of dominance. It's been almost a month since any kind of real spanking has occurred and any other kind of dominance has been sketchy at best.

In theory, I want to reject this idea. I don't want it to be true that if our sex life doesn't have some form of D/s in it, it won't work. It always did before, so why wouldn't it now? I could speculate that it is a result of all the continuing stress in our life. We've always had stress in our life, it never effected me this way before. In fact, during times of stress I've always turned to sex as a way to combat the stress, and it always worked. So why now?

I suppose it could be a side effect of menopause. If that's the case, why is it just rearing it's ugly head now? I've been dealing with the effects of menopause for a number of years now. I could speculate any number of things, but the fact remains, I just don't know. How am supposed to fix this if I can't figure out what it is I need to fix?

ADRIFT

Musicman and I have been together for more than half our lives. He loves me, flaws and all. I love him, flaws and all. That is important to me. He is a naturally dominant man. Turns out, I am a naturally submissive woman. If you knew us in real life and knew what to look for, it would be very apparent. We are that annoying couple that is always together and always happy to be together. That doesn't mean that things always run smoothly.



We've had one of THOSE weeks.



The kind of week were my hormones run amok. The kind of week were the tears leak out despite my best attempts to hide them. The kind of week where I needed him to step up and take care of me.



That didn't happen. Instead, things were said. Things that hurt my feelings. I know that was not his intention, but it's what happened. I forgot that this "lifestyle" is only a lifestyle to me. To him, it's just a game. A fun, kinky game, to be indulged on occasion.



For the most part, I can accept that, except when I need his help, then it's not so much fun and games.



I did what I was supposed to do. I communicated. To no avail. He wasn't in the mood to play. Too many other things occupied his mind and took up too much of his energy. There was nothing left for me.



I tried to be understanding. I found other things to occupy my time and expend my energy. It didn't help much, communication( the holy grail of TTWD) broke down. Distance ensued.



I feel adrift, without my anchor, flailing about.  I have not the energy, or the willingness, to beg. If I felt I could go back to a time before I knew how wonderfully fulfilling submission could make me feel, I would. I know that won't work. Yet, I no longer have the energy to go forward.

Blinded

The snow continues to fall,

sideways,

because the winds continue to blow.

I'm a hothouse flower,

stuck in a northern tundra.

The days are short,

mostly gray.

I don't see fifty shades,

I see just one.

The one that blocks the sun.

By chance,

the sun burn's through the gray?

Reflections,

mirroring the whiteness,

surround,

over whelm.

Burned by the cold.

Blinded by the lack of color.

What are you watching?

I've often heard it said that men are visual creatures. Musicman certainly is and that's something I use to my advantage. Why do ya think I prefer to wear pretty dresses or skirts? Cause they appeal to him more than sweatpants, of course. Though a nice snug pair of jeans will do the trick too.

One of the visual things Musicman enjoys is watching porn. It's something he has always done and something we do together. Way back at the beginning of our relationship, before the dawn of the internet, we used to rent them. I am not nearly as fond of watching porn as he is, but some of it I do enjoy, though I have a lot of stipulations about what I won't watch.

With the advent of D/s in our relationship, I have become quite bored with vanilla porn. It just doesn't do much for me. The problem for me is that most BDSM porn is too graphic for me. If I am cringing while watching then it's not a turn on for me. I've tried watching spanking videos, but there is a whole host of problems with that.

I find watching someone get spanked to be quite boring, especially if the spankee is not reacting at all. If the reaction is too intense, such as crying, it's a turn off for me. The DD type spankings, where the spanker is lecturing, just plain piss me off. It's impossible for me to get turned on when I am plotting how much I would beat the living crap out of the spanker as soon as I was allowed up. In case you didn't know, or haven't guessed, we are not a DD couple. There is no overtones of discipline in spankings for us, unless it's for some kind of infraction during playtime. Then it is a turn on for me.

Due to this inability to find videos that appeal to me, we haven't watched much porn lately. I think most of the ones we have watched have been of the threesome variety. Those haven't always been my cup of tea either, but that is one of Musicman's fantasies. He says he wants to see me with another woman, something I've never been interested in trying. He has been on a campaign to get me to change my mind about that and I admit, his tactics are working, a little. But, it's still not a huge turn on for me.

However, I have continued to try and find some videos that appeal to me and I did have some success. I found one with just the right tone for me. Not to hard, not to soft, no lecturing and amazing sex afterwards, yay. So, me being me, I emailed it to him. Many of you may already know that Musicman never checks his email, so it could sit there literally for years if I didn't tell him. I thought I could avoid that this time, cause he actually had been checking his email regularly waiting for some much needed information to come through. I figured he would check his email looking to see if the information had come through and find my email.

No such luck, what he was waiting on came in the regular snail mail the day I sent my email, so he didn't need to check his email. Drats, now I have to remember to tell him to check his email.

Ummm...honey, you may want to check your email.

When I Want

Musicman is not a verbal man, never has been. That actually works out pretty well for us, because usually I talk enough for both of us. But, sometimes I want the words, I want him to tell me what he wants. Last night was one of those times, I wanted the words, he wasn't much in the mood to give me them.

We had been watching TV, I was already lying on the bed, he was sitting on the couch. When the show we were watching was over he joined me in bed. I knew he was in the mood for a blow job. How did I know this? He spread out all over the bed and only covered his feet with the blanket. This is his nonverbal way of telling me that he wants my attention. I know this, but I didn't respond, I wanted the words.

I didn't get them. What I got was his hand, firmly grasping my throat, just enough pressure to make me squirm and also make me wet. I still didn't oblige, I wanted the words, though I didn't say that. It's an odd little nonverbal game we sometimes play.

Since I didn't respond to the hand on my throat, he next started pulling, pinching and twisting my nipple. Oh, yum, getting wetter, but I still didn't give him what he wanted. I suppose I wanted to see what he would do next.

His hand went back to my throat, a little more pressure than the last time, then back to my nipple, twisting and pinching. I was really starting to squirm by then, but I wasn't ready to give up the game. He seemed to know that because he picked up the intensity, switching back and forth between his hand applying pressure at my throat and twisting and pulling my nipple.

Finally, I was too wet and too squirmy, I had to have him. I gave him what he wanted, I knew I would, I always do. I fairly dove onto his cock, licking and sucking, encircling him with my hands as I licked and explored his beautiful, hard member. I do find it truly beautiful.

For a mostly nonverbal man, the minute I gave him what he wanted, he started talking. He directs, he praises, he verbally expresses his appreciation, all the while his hand on my head, fingers buried in my hair directing the whole thing.

Initially, I didn't get what I wanted, but in the end, we both got what we wanted. Dang, the man knows how to exert his dominance without even saying a word, that's talent.

When You Choose To Love

This really speaks to me. I've always felt I was damaged. I spent quite bit of my early years knowing that I had no concept of what love really felt like. I often wondered if I would ever feel real love, if I would ever be able to trust anyone enough to let them see me vulnerable.

Musicman didn't know I was damaged when we met. He just loved me. I didn't believe him at first, after all, he didn't know how damaged I was. It didn't matter to him, he loved me anyway. He taught me everything I know about how to love and how to trust. That's how strong he is.

He is strong enough to stop the bleeding and help me scar over. He will tell you, that is not a one time thing. Scars sometimes erupt and bleed again, that certainly seems to be the case with me. Those eruptions often cause me to feel guilty. Guilty because this is not what he signed up for. That doesn't matter to him though, he loves me anyway, and he is strong enough to accept me dents, cracks and all.

Above all else, I'm a survivor, but I no longer wonder if someone like him can love me. I know he does, and I will always be his strongest ally in this world. We will face the changes together and we will survive, stronger, wiser and more in love each and every day. To me that is a true gift.

The Facets of My Submission

I've been thinking a lot about the different facets that make up me. We all have them, daughter, sister, mother, employee, friend, caregiver. While all these things have the potential to affect my ability to submit, those aren't the facets I've been thinking about.

The facets I have been thinking about are the facets of my submission. It seems like the more I focus on my submission, the more I grow into it, the more facets emerge. I have found it both fascinating and distressing. Distressing because there are some facets, or some aspects of each facet, that have been difficult for me to accept.

At first I just thought of my submission as one thing. I submit to his control, I serve him. Easy, peasy, I've been doing that for years anyway, I just never thought of it as submission. I never really thought about it at all, him being in charge was just what worked for us. In fact, most of the time, I didn't know that it was unusual to live this way. Oh yeah, there were those occasions, when I might say something innocuous to a friend or colleague and get some odd looks or reactions and then I would wonder why, but it never caused me to change the way I lived.

Being submissive seemed easy and natural for me. As we've grown I have identified the one thing I have a hard time with. Those times when he decides he is going to use me for his own pleasure, regardless of whether it works for me or not. Thank goodness those times don't occur very often, I don't handle it all that well. I have been working on it and am making good progress with how I react. I'd say I'm at the stage where I don't necessarily like it, but I accept it.

Then there is the masochist side of me. That has been a lot harder facet for me to accept. It confused me that I could like and even find pleasure, in receiving pain. I never used too. It's not something I do for him, he's not a sadist. I've wondered about my attraction to pain for a long, long time. I accepted it, but I still wondered and was a bit embarrassed by it. I mean really, who in their right mind wants, even craves pain? Me, that's who, but why?

I've come to the conclusion that pain is just another sensation to explore. But why now? Why not all kinds of pain? Cause just any old pain isn't a turn on for me. It has to be pain caused by him. Therein lies my answer. I trust him to be in control, to know how far to push me. Knowing he is in control, knowing I can trust him to always have my best interests in mind, allows me the freedom to just experience whatever sensation he decides to deliver. That's where the magic that turns pain into pleasure come from, for me.

Lately, I have noticed another facet trying desperately to emerge. A facet that I am not at all comfortable with and have been quite unwilling to accept. Yanno, just ignore it, it will go away. Yeah, that's not really working for me. I've been ignoring it for some time now, it's not going away, it's getting louder and pushier.

I've noticed that there is a very significant "little" in me that is trying to come to the fore and be acknowledged. This freaks me out, more than just a bit. I believe that can be contributed to the abuse I went through as a child. What kind of woman who grew up being raped and abused on an almost daily basis by her father would want that kind of relationship? That is the question I am having a hard time answering.

I have done quite bit of reading about it. I know that age play is not necessarily the same thing as Daddy/Little girl, but it still freaks me out a bit. I don't have any desire to call Musicman, Daddy and doubt I ever will. But, I do have a huge desire to be taken care of the way a little girl might want.

Again, my mind strays to the way I was raised. Do I want this because I feel like I never really was a child? Like I never really had that carefree period in life when all the grownups took care of everything leaving me free to pursue whatever made me happy? Maybe, I really don't know. I also don't know how acknowledging and accepting it would change anything for us. What I do know is that this facet is getting brighter and louder and wants to be acknowledged. I'm not necessarily comfortable with that, but I also can't continue to ignore it.

Strong Submissive Woman

This post has been sitting in my draft folder for quite some time. Despite that, it describes exactly how I'm feeling today, so I thought I'd dust it off and let it see the light of day.

I am an extremely strong willed woman, I've been told this my whole life. I've always believed it too. I've survived things no one should ever have to know about, much less experience. I have found that submission just increases my strength as a woman. For me, that is truly where my power lies.

It's not easy to choose to follow someone else's lead, no matter how much you love and respect them. It requires a certain amount of trust and a willingness to put other's needs first. It's not an easy thing to do, but it does get easier over time. Obviously, I get satisfaction from living this way, or I wouldn't do it.

It took a very strong man to get me to choose to live this way. Musicman was not the first man in my life, he wasn't even my first serious relationship. If all I had been looking for was an escape from the hell of my childhood home, I could have accepted my first marriage proposal, I was 14.  There were more than a few others over the years before I met Musicman. I even accepted one and almost did marry. Thank goodness I grew up and changed my mind about that one. I now know that would have been a colossal mistake.

I've softened some over the years, but not as much as one might think. I choose to share my soft, submissive side with Musicman. Though, when provoked, that strength comes rushing out. I know, without a doubt, that if I really needed or wanted to, I could choose to walk away and leave it all behind me.

That fact is something Musicman forgets on occasion. Dominance comes so naturally to him, that he often forgets exactly how strong I am. Yes, I think it was that strength that attracted him to me in the first place. Well, that and he really liked my ass.

The simple fact of the matter is, there are times, especially in long term relationships, that you need to step back and remember who you, as an individual, really are. I think it's healthy for the relationship for our partner's to remember also.

I may be submissive, I may be willing to defer to his wants and needs over my own, but there are some things I will never allow. I will NOT be pushed around. I will NOT be disrespected. I will NOT be taken for granted.

I expect a certain level of active participation from him in this relationship. I expect a certain level of respect.  I expect a certain level of understanding and appreciation for the things I do on a day to day basis that make his life easier. If I feel like I am not getting the things I expect and quite frankly, deserve, I will let him know about it.

I'm not an easy woman to live with, I never have been and I doubt that I ever will be. If he wants to continue to receive the gift of my submission, he must continue to be strong enough to meet my expectations. He must continue to show me the respect and appreciation that I deserve.

Is this submission with a caveat? Maybe it is, but it's the way I define submission and have defined it for the last 28 years. It's the definition he has been willing to accept for the last 28 years. If he wants to renegotiate then he needs to speak up. If he's not interested in meeting my expectations, so be it. I'm strong enough to move on.

He sometimes needs to be reminded that he can only push me so far. I'm strong enough to survive all by myself, I've done it before and am confident I can do it again. The reality is, I, the submissive, hold the real power in this relationship. If he doesn't like that, he can speak up and change it. I'm always willing to listen, but he needs to have something worthwhile to say.