Reflections

Traditionally, this is the time of year for reflection. A time of year when we review the past and plan for the future. I'm no different, except for the fact that I suck at planning for the future. I find it a somewhat futile past time, since I firmly believe, we are not promised tomorrow and should live for today.

As I look back, I vividly remember this time of year, last year. I remember telling a friend how I was dreading the coming of the new year. She posited that it was because I might be superstitious. That maybe the year 2013 was an issue for me. That wasn't it.

I'm not really a superstitious person. I have no problems with black cats, cracks in the side walk or ladders. Friday the 13? My first thought? Thank goodness it's Friday. No, it was not superstition that was making me dread the coming year, it was gut instinct.

I very much remember the growing dread, building within me, as the days of the year ticked by. I wanted to ignore it, I wanted to think I was just being a silly goose. Worrying for no good reason, about something I knew nothing about.

As the first few days came and went and nothing horrific happened, I tried so hard to convince myself that I needed to ignore that gut instinct that was so persistently predicting gloom and doom. That's when the phone rang. A phone call that would unleash a flood of visions, visions that would soon become reality. A reality that held an unreal, eerie, de ja vu quality to it.

The year would shape up to be one of the most challenging of my adult life. It would present challenges that I never thought to face. It would bring loss, of such dimensions, I am still trying to fathom. It would bring love, so vast, as to overcome the circumstances of her being.

I would lose so much of myself, in service to others, that it no longer fulfilled me as it used to do. I would spend inordinate amounts of time, mourning for what I had lost. Moments would come, when I would find it necessary to dig deep, pull myself out from the quagmire and just breathe. I would look for the lessons, yet find them to painful to learn. This last year has felt a bit like being stuck in quicksand. The harder I fight, the faster I go down.

Now, here we are, just a scant few hours from the new year. For the first time in 19 years it will start with a new moon. As someone of the fae persuasion, how can I possibly ignore that sign? My gut is telling me, this year will be as life changing as the last, but it will be up to me to make those changes.

I feel like this is the year I need to take my power back. I no longer believe that living as a submissive, on a day to day basis, is healthy for me. Oh, make no mistake, I'm still a masochist. I still crave the pain and domination that comes with the very rare opportunity for playtime. I am very much hoping those activities continue to grow and expand.

I just don't believe that I can continue to put him and everyone else, first in my life. This is going to be my year. The year that I make the positive changes in my life that I have needed to make for some time. I will put myself first this year. I will take care of myself. I will replace negative habits, with positive ones. I will move on, taking steps toward happiness.

I may no longer stop to consider how he feels, he may have to scramble to keep up with me, or he may have to let me go. That choice will be his to make. I have made mine. It's a gut instinct, I've learned not to ignore those.

Christmas Gifts, Sub Style

For many reasons I won't go into, this particular holiday has been very difficult for Musicman and myself for many years now. In fact, I can't really remember the last time we celebrated, or enjoyed this particular holiday. I had thought to try this year, but things going on here have made that nearly impossible, so we aren't.

There is no tree, no lights, no cookies, no presents, except for one. We aren't attending any parties, though we may spend some time Christmas Eve with extended family. I say may, because we haven't decided on that for sure yet.

You may be wondering what doom and gloom I'm driveling on about now, but there is one thing I'm excited about. I am planning something, as a surprise for Musicman, that I hope we will both enjoy. I received an email from one of the online adult toy sites I have ordered from in the past. They were having a buy one get one free sale. Of course, I had to at least browse. I did order something. Something that I have been contemplating getting for a long time now. Then I happily picked out my something free, I picked an item that I am hoping will help me achieve something that Musicman really wants from me.

The toys are due to be delivered on the Monday before Christmas. We both have Christmas Eve and Christmas Day off from work, that's very rare for us. If I get my way, we will spend most of both those days hold up in our room playing. And, just to help inspire him I'm writing him a story. I haven't written anything just for him in quite some time. I will be incorporating the new toys, plus some other things into the story.

I'm a bit nervous about writing this particular story, it may reveal a much darker side to both of us. I may never share it with anyone other than him, but that's okay. Or, it may go over really, really well and we will have taken a giant step forward in our relationship. That's what I'm hoping for anyway.

Double Stuffed

Another long day has come to and end. We lay in bed listening for the silence of the night to arrive. He nudges my foot, just a slight tap or two of pressure. My mind begins to race as I move my foot to tap back. Such an innocent, seemingly insignificant, little gesture. Yet, one that over the years, has become a signal of sorts.

He rolls towards me and begins to tweak and pluck at my nipples, hard. He has very strong hands and the pain from them pinching and twisting at my nipples causes me to gasp with pleasure. I raise my chest with each gasp in an effort to give him unfettered access.

His other hand snakes up to my span my throat. As he applies slowly increasing pressure my gasps become moans. I tilt my head up so as not to impede his travels. I so love his hand at my throat. My eyes closed now, just feeling. As one hand continues tugging mercilessly on my nipples, I whimper softly when he lifts his other hand from my throat and slaps me.

My legs start to spread of their own volition as he alternates between pressure on my throat and slaps to my face. His other hand is still torturing my nipples and the combination is leading me places only he can take me.

Time has ceased to exist when he reaches for the coat hanger. I now lay splayed open and willing to accept anything he wants to give. He wields the coat hanger quite effectively. Moving back and forth between my know dripping wet pussy and my tits. Occasionally interrupting the swats to lick or rub at my throbbing clit. The hanger is soon covered in my juices and he lifts it to my mouth. I part my lips and he slides it along my tongue for me to lick clean.

Between the swats, now randomly falling everywhere from my inner thighs to my pussy to my tits, I'm lost in a haze. A haze of lust that obscures everything but him and what he is doing to my body. I have no ability to say how long this went on, but I do know I licked that coat hanger several times.

My body, now so wonderfully tender, throbs as I roll onto my stomach. I raise my ass and spread my legs wide as he reaches for the lube and the glass dildo. It's been quite some time since we have had any anal action, I'm still somewhat of a novice at it. I have a tendency to unconsciously resist, this time that didn't happen. I was so ready for anything that it slid in with almost no resistance at all.

He gave me just a brief moment to adjust to the fullness in my ass before he entered me. I can't honestly ever remember being so full before. It felt like he had crawled into my skin with me. As he slowly started to stroke in and out of me with his cock he would tug slightly at the dildo and take it along with each stroke. I've don't remember ever being fucked in both the ass and the pussy at the same time before.

I buried my head in the pillows, biting into them to stifle the screams that were uncontrollably escaping me.  I was very quickly raising up to meet each stroke, lost in the rhythm of cock and dildo ramming into me from behind. His balls practically splashing in my juices every time they came in contact with my now very full, very wet pussy. He came with such force I think I could feel it spurting all the way to the back of my throat. 




I have to go get ready for work now, it's been a long week there already, but I will be answering the comments on my last post soon.

The Sting and the After Burn

I'm sitting here watching the snow fall. Beautiful, large, fluffy, white flakes. They land on the tree branches outside the window, covering them like frosting on a cupcake. So pretty to look at, yet such a pain in the back end to live with. It has been snowing for what seems like weeks now. We have several feet on the ground and walking to the car, negotiating the snowdrifts, is just as challenging as driving in it.

It's the perfect day for a big ole pot of stew. Mine has been simmering away for several hours now and the house smells wonderful.

The recent changes did give us an opportunity for some private time in the past week. Unfortunately, Musicman had a very difficult day at work and did not take advantage of that time. That is sometimes the price paid for having to play on someone else's schedule.

I'm currently thinking about a request from our daughter. She has asked something of me that I don't want to do. Musicman knows I don't want to do it and is backing me on this. But...there's always a but, isn't there? Her request and my answer will involve the well being and happiness of some children. Not her children, but, if she and the baby daddy ever marry they will be her step children. I'm torn, I definitely don't want to do this thing she is asking, but I'm not sure I can live with the fact that if I don't, young children will be effected negatively. Damn, sometimes I hate being a Mom, especially a responsible, caring one.

Normally, between all the things I have mentioned and the other things going on that I haven't, I would be stressed to the point of tears. In fact, that's exactly how I felt yesterday, immediately following my daughter's request.

I'm not, in actuality, I'm feeling quite strong and clear headed. I know why I am feeling that way too. It's all thanks to a clever deployment of  coat hanger. Yes, we had a house full last night. Yes, under ordinary circumstances playtime would have been off the table. Instead, he used the coat hanger to it's fullest effect.

It's quiet. It's stingy. It has the desired effect of bringing out the wanton slut in me. A great spanking, an even better fucking and I'm good to go. At least for today. It is stingy, but it has the advantage of a long lasting after burn. There are no marks today, but I can still feel it quite acutely.

It reminds me that we are in this together and makes me believe that we will get through this together. I found said coat hanger laying on the floor at the bottom of the bed as I was gathering up laundry. I didn't feel that was an appropriate place for it, so I moved it. It's currently laying on his pillow, Just my way of saying, "I hope he uses it again soon."

In Case You're Interested

It has come to my attention that I have been remiss in posting on the CWS blog. Then again I have been a bit remiss in posting here regularly too. I am hoping to remedy both of those things soon. So, along that vein, and with a bit of inspiration, I have a new post up over there and hope you will hop over to give it a look.

I didn't want to want what I wanted

I didn't want to want what I wanted. It had been so long, about a month, so it was easy to convince myself I didn't want it. Recent tension causing issues between us made it easy for me to believe I didn't want it. Just because we suddenly had some unexpected privacy didn't mean we had to take advantage of it.

Except, I did want it. It's really of no consequence how long it has been. The recent issues had been addressed and the tension was subsiding. Besides, I never say no, cause there is no good reason, short of major illness to say no. It's how we communicate best and we badly needed the chance to reconnect. If we hadn't taken advantage of the unexpected privacy I would have been disappointed.

All these things ran through my mind in an instant when I realized we were actually alone in our home and would be for some time. That's also when the butterflies started stirring in my belly, quickly advancing from a slight flutter to a full on swarm in a matter of minutes. None of which I revealed to him, not that any of it would have made a difference.

He was a man on a mission. He would have preferred to see me kneeling, bent over the end of the couch, but he took into consideration my very sore knees and instead let me lay on the bed. The magic paddle was soon being swung with some considerable force. The man just does not get the concept of a warm up.

The fleece lounge pants I was wearing provided very little cushion from the swats. I felt the sting so acutely that I really did wonder why I wanted this. I struggled through the first few thinking maybe this won't work, maybe I don't want this. Then I remembered, all I have to do is relax and breath, so I did just that.

My butt was soon quite warm, at least on one side. For some reason he was very focused on the left side. I had a brief thought to ask him to even me up some, but I didn't. I remembered that how he decides to spank is not for me to say.

All too soon it seemed he was removing my lounge pants, only to discover that I actually had underwear on. Those were quickly ripped away and the paddle was back in hand and being vigorously applied. There was no longer any doubt as to why I wanted this and most definitely no question as to whether it would work or not. I was happily floating among the mists of pain turned to pleasure and was one very contented sub.

As I was floating in the haze I realized the sensation had changed. Hmmm...that's really stingy. I didn't know what he was using, but I did like it. I couldn't identify the sound of the implement he was using either. We don't have a lot of implements and usually I can tell from the sound if not the feel, but this one seemed quieter than any I remembered. Oh...a quiet implement, yay, must remember that for later use.

I could have raised my head and looked into the mirrored headboard to see what he was using, but, at that moment, I didn't care enough to do that. I didn't care enough to raise my head and look when he changed implements once again either. At that moment in time, which seemed to be standing still, all I cared about was that I was finally where I most wanted to be. Submitting to him and what he chose to give me.

Much later, after the spanking was done and we had moved on to even more satisfying activities, I found out what the mystery implement was. A plastic coat hanger, followed by the wooden spoon. That coat hanger was rather stingy, but, I did in fact, like it very much. That makes me think maybe my I'm getting over my total fear of a cane. That makes me think maybe I should do some naughty Christmas shopping.

There have been some very recent developments that may actually allow us some much needed privacy on a more regular and frequent basis. That makes us both very happy and I might even have some fun things to write about more often.

Respect

Respect.

 

noun: respect

1. a feeling of deep admiration for someone or something elicited by their abilities, qualities, or achievements.

    

verb: respect; 

1.  

   admire (someone or something) deeply, as a result of their abilities, qualities, or achievements.

    

    

Respect is a word, a concept, that most of us in this lifestyle are very familiar with. It's a word we think about, talk about and for some of us, struggle with. We are to respect our HOH/Dom/Master. We are required to show respect in all our interactions, no matter what the situation is. We are required to respect and obey any and all rules set down by our HOH's. Heck, the word respect even appears in most traditional wedding vows, along with the word obey.

We had traditional wedding vows. I vowed to love, honor, respect and obey my husband. In addition, Musicman made it very clear to me from the beginning, how important it was to him, that I show him in action and in word, respect for him. I took my vows and his directions very seriously. I do my best to respect his wishes at all times. I'm not perfect, I don't always succeed, but I do try.

In exchange, I expect him to also respect me. I would say, for the most part, he does. However, a situation has arisen that has left me seriously doubting that fact. A situation that has been dragging on for weeks now and I no longer have any idea how to fix. I want to move past it, but I can't, no matter how hard I try.

Of course, the situation involves our adult children. They have both been struggling with some serious life issues. They both moved back in with us for a few months so that they could get their lives together and get back on their feet. That was a year ago. Neither one of them seem to be making much progress.

They do not ever listen to me or any advice I give them, so I've stopped trying. I've accepted that, along with the fact that it will be some time before they ever leave. Really, I don't blame them, they have it very good here. They live their lives the way they want and they do it on my dime. Who wouldn't want that?

The real problem is that they show me and my home absolutely no respect. They have told me that everything in their lives would be fine if it weren't for me. They have told me that everyone in the house would be quite happy if I would just leave. Yes, they are actively blaming me for their bad choices and the predicaments they have gotten themselves into. Clearly they still have quite a bit of growing up to do.

I know that children often blame the mother for everything that is wrong in their lives. I'm the mother, they blame me. Okay, that I can handle, whilst always praying that one day they will take responsibility for their lives and their decisions. I don't hold my breath waiting for that day to come, but I still pray for it everyday.

The crux of the issue for me, the thing I can't move past is the fact that they believe their father, my husband, my beloved Musicman, feels the same as they do. I know this because they have told me this. That is what really hurts. That is what I can't move past.

I did talk to Musicman about this. He assured me it wasn't true. He assured me he would speak to them about this. After of week of no action, I reminded him of what he had promised. He did speak to our son, but he did not hit the main point, in my opinion.

I know that he can not force these kids to see reality. I know he can not force them to listen to me or to show me respect. Well, technically, he could, but he he's never going to do that. I accept that, that wasn't the main point for me. The main point for me, is that he make it clear to them, in no uncertain terms, that they are wrong.

It is very important to me, that my children truly know and understand, that Musicman does respect me and what I contribute to this family. Maybe it should be enough for me that he does respect me, but it's just not. Knowing that my children believe that their father does not respect me is a pain that I can't get past. He could fix this for me, but he hasn't. Before any of you suggest that I can fix it, I've tried, they don't listen to me or believe anything I say.

The fact that Musicman does not see how important this issue is to me has caused me to lose some respect for him. That bothers me quite a bit and I don't know what to do about it. I just know I can't be submissive or obedient to a man I can't respect and I can't respect a man who will not stand up for me.