Wednesday, August 6, 2014

Mind Dump

A mind dump is exactly what I need right now. The last 48 hours have been a nightmare and it isn't over yet. I have spent them fighting to get Musicman the care he needs.

Due to a series of mistakes on the original surgeons part, Musicman is experiencing 2 major, life threatening, complications. He is very sick and in quite a lot of pain. Musicman realized yesterday that it was wise to release the pitbull and let her take care of him. He really has no other choice as he is too sick to care for himself.

Musicman was re-hospitalized yesterday morning and it has been a battle with that particular surgeon since that time. I really can't go into particulars, but, I hit my breaking point early this morning. It turns out, threatening to "pull off his balls and feed them to him, slowly, if he came anywhere near my husband again," got the attention that was needed.

I really hate when I get pushed that far, but I sure ain't  afraid to go there when it's needed. I have been a professional caregiver for more then 30 years. I know good quality care when I see it and I know how to get it when I'm not seeing it. I wasn't seeing it and I did something about it. That's why Musicman calls me his pitbull, because I don't let go until I get what he needs.

The new surgeon came in to meet with us, along with the other 2 specialist that have joined the case since his admission to the hospital.  Musicman greeted him, then pointed at me and told him to speak to the pitbull. I am very pleased with the new surgeon. I now have all the doctors on the same page and we are making progress. We still have a long way to go, but everything that needs to be done is being done.

In a way, it's a very odd, kind of surreal experience, to be in that place. A place where my big, strong dominant husband, seems to have been reduced to a shell of his former self.  It's something that my submissive side, can't really deal with. I feel her standing in the back ground, watching, as the pitbull goes into battle.

Musicman and I have been in this place before and we will get through this. Most likely, we will be even stronger for it. At least, that's what I keep telling him. It really is as much a reminder for myself, as it is for him. I don't think we really needed this challenge right now, but I refuse to think of it any other way. I actively push the negative thoughts away and embrace only positive outcomes. That's not so easy to do in the late hours of the night, especially since I'm not used to him not being here in our bed with me.

Thank you all for the support. The comments, emails and messages have really helped me get through those long lonely moments. The moments, when his pain is under control and he's resting comfortably. I'm grateful for those moments, but he seems so far away. Those are the moments the scary thoughts try to creep in. Thank you for helping me fight them.




  1. Hang in there Faerie! Sorry you two are going through all of this. Please let me know if there is anything I can do for either one of you. Sending lots of prayers, healing energy and positive thoughts!

    Hugs and Blessings...

  2. Keep going Faerie and keep up those positive thoughts they will make sure you stay strong.

  3. I am so sorry this has been so difficult. It is hard enough watching the one you love have to deal with illness and hospitalization, to have to add the rest is .......scary and sad. You are doing what you have to.....what He needs...and you have all of us praying, cheering you on, keeping you in our hearts...this too shall pass. You will both be stronger and closer...
    hugs abby

  4. Fearie, I am so sorry you are both going through this. You are doing exactly what Musicmsn needs right now. Sending positive thoughts and prayers to you both. Hang in there!


  5. Oh faerie, I'm sorry to hear that things are so incredibly rough right now.

    Your Musicman and you are in my thoughts and prayers.

  6. I am sorry for all the pain and challenges you are both going through. I can only imagine how difficult it must be for you to watch your man be in such a position and the strength you must have to take care of everything so lovingly and with passion as you do. You are amazing. Much love and hugs to you...

  7. I wish we could all be there physically for you as much as were cheering for you in the background. You're doing what you have to now, as long as the road is, it does come to the end and you can hand the total control back to MM. I hope it's sooner than you expect.

  8. I'm glad he has you fighting for him ... you're doing a great job! Please take care of yourself, remember to eat and to get enough sleep. Sending positive thoughts, prayers, and hugs to you both.

  9. I'm praying and know that with you in his corner, MM will be good again. As for the dominant and submisive, think of it as ying and yang. We all have our strengths and weaknesses and when we work together it's a beautiful thing, You're doing what you do best and MM knows that. He just has to concentrate on getting well.

    Praying for strength for you to get through this. Lots of hugs to both.

  10. I'm so sorry you both are having to deal with all of this. Sir and I have had many battles vs the surgeons, it's just always been me on the bed ,and Him fighting the Dr's. Sending your MM lots of healing vibes and thoughts, and lots of hugs and extra strength to you - you are doing wonderful and are so strong. Hang in there!

  11. I am so proud of you Faerie and you and MM are in my thoughts and prayers.

  12. Faerie, I am so sorry about Musicman and your problems. This is a horrible situation, but I think Musicman is lucky to have you at his side, because you see what he needs and you are his support. If he refers everybody to you, he definitely knows what you are able to achieve. I hope you get through this quickly and well. Keep on going, you are the best Musicman could wish for and I am so sure he knows that you are special.



  13. Submission comes in many ways and you are taking care of Musicman. You are his submissive, no one else's. You can be who you need to be and as ferocious as possible to accomplish that. My former Master used to call one of his subs his junkyard dog cause that's how she took care of him. And his wife as sub as she was changed roles when Len was ill. We all stayed out of her way when she was caring for him on those occasions. You are doing great and hope your Sir feels better soon.

  14. You may not like being the pitbull but you are still being of service to him when he needs it the most, that is what we do take care of them :-) Hang in there things will get better and sending you both good thoughts.

  15. Thinking of you and your Musicman, Faerie. :) I hope that he is doing much better at this time. You both are in my prayers.

    I agree with what is said above. As part of loving we bring our strengths and weaknesses to the table. We step in as we must, with love and respect and caring when such an occasion presents itself. Sounds like you have been doing a wonderful job of this. At the same time, it must feel weird to have to step up, all the while seeing MM being so vulnerable. I get what you say. I am sure that he appreciates your willingness to do so, and your show of love in that way, more than words express.

    You two have had an awful lot on your plate lately. Yet you handle it with strength and positivity. I see it in your words. I hope that this finds Musicman feeling much better and on the up and up. Hang in there. We are all here for you. Many hugs,

    <3 Katie

  16. Service is service. Submissive is submissive.


    MM: "faerie! Go bite that bad doctor man!"

    faerie: "Yes, MM."

    Gggrrrrrr! faerie dispatches her duty with wonderfully scary flair.

    Bad doctor man slinks off, tail between legs.

    MM: "Fetch me the best surgeon, faerie."

    With a blur of speed and color, faerie flies off on her mission. She returns shortly, having retrieved the best doc held by the scruff of his neck in her teeth, and clutching doc's team by the ears in her fine faerie claws. She firmly deposits them at MM's bedside.

    MM: "Now, make them doctor me well, faerie - properly this time."

    faerie turns eyes flashing fire toward the team. Wings bristling, claws extended, lips snarling over bared teeth, fangs descended, a low purr of deadly intent rumbling deep in her throat, faerie stands sentinel over her injured MM as she nips and herds the team to do his bidding.


    It's a good thing you have sharp teeth and claws, faerie, and know how to use them. Can you imagine trying to serve MM in this most important challenge, where failure or coming up short is not an option, without your tools and skills? ;-)

    Silliness and juvenile attempts at storytelling aside, I think what you do for MM now, while he is ill and injured from surgical assault, is one of the most submissive acts imaginable. You are being assertive, aggressive and dominant in his stead, at his behest. Even if (when) you must direct that toward him to ensure he recovers, you know that is what his strong self wants of you. You submit to *that* MM, not the one who feels weak and may suffer moments of not being himself due to pain or fatigue. You give your strength to him and for him. Even though this is not the familiar way, serving him in this way is very much submissive to him.

    Complicated, isn't it? Sending prayers and positive energy for both of you. Big hugs!