Thursday, March 28, 2013

The Thing About Being faerie

The thing about being faerie is, it is simply a mindset for me. I suppose you could say it is a submissive mindset, but I'm not so sure about  that. For me, it is an innocence, an unsullied part of me. The part of me that feels the joy in life so intensely. The part of me that I protected from all the ugliness and darkness in my world. Protected so fiercely that I wasn't even aware that part of me existed for way too long.

When I started exploring this part of my personality and gave her a voice, it felt right. It felt like I had found the real me. I didn't know I wasn't the real me before I discovered her. I didn't really feel like there was something missing, until I did.

The more I indulged her, let her think and speak, the more comfortable I became being her. In typical me fashion, I dove into that mindset with both feet. I liked being her, or me, but there where things I couldn't seem to handle in that mindset.

I probably could have worked at it a little harder, but I didn't want to do that. My instinct has always been to protect her and that's what I did. I tucked her away and wouldn't let her speak anymore. Even though I wouldn't let her speak, she never went away. I always felt her, hiding in the back of my mind. I missed being her, but I didn't want her to have to deal with the things that seemed so tough for me at the time.

Not being her hasn't really changed much for us as a couple. Musicman knows exactly how to get her to come out. I actually find it ironic that she seems so innocent, yet she responds to the pain and domination as if she was born to it. I suppose maybe that's because when Musicman is letting his dominant side reign she feels protected. She needs that protection.

That has been one of the hardest things for me to admit. That I need some one, that I need things I can't give to, or do for, myself. I'm not very good at allowing myself to need people, never have been. I know that is because of my past, abuse will do that to a person.

I think she has slowly been emerging over the years because of Musicman. Because he has always taken such good care of me. He's the only person in my life to ever really care if I was happy or not. My experience before him, or with most of the people in my life has been, what can I do for them? None of them ever really cared about the fact that the things they needed from me might not be so good for me.

I could have stopped doing those things at any time, except that I didn't. I didn't because I think I equated being needed with being loved. I now know that being needed in that way wasn't love and wasn't good for me. I also realize that it has taken years of being with Musicman and hearing him tell me those things before I really accepted it.

faerie is me, but, so is Lolita. Lolita is the tough street kid all grown up. Lolita is the one that doesn't take any crap from anyone. Lolita is my dark side. Conversely, faerie is my light side, faerie is the one that embraces and enjoys life. As faerie, I am playful and silly and always up for some fun. It really is Musicman's job to protect faerie and he's good at it, but he's not superman.

He can't be with me 24/7, as much as I would love it if he could be. Musicman can't protect me from the heartbreak that kids can sometimes inflict. He can't protect me from illness and loss that is a natural part of life. I know he would if he could, but he can't. When he can't, I will retreat into Lolita, she wll protect faerie, because even she knows faerie is the most precious part of me. I won't silence her again.

18 comments:

  1. I'm glad that faerie is back and has found her voice again.

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  2. I'm so happy you started to blog again--I really missed you
    Don't ever silence your faerie voice-let it fly free.

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    1. I missed being her :) As long as she has something to say I'll let her speak.

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  3. It's wonderful to acknowledge who you really are. We all have different sides, mother, teacher, daughter, sister, wife... PK is the one that is actually me. But only the people out here know her. Everyone else just know different parts of her.

    I like you being here.

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    1. I like being here :) Now I know, with out a doubt, I need to be faerie. It was really dumb of me to try and silence her, I won't do that again.

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  4. As PK said we all wear different hats at different times with different people. Here is where we get to share our true selves in anonymity. Glad you here. One of these days I'm going to have to visit Lolita. (love the name)

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    1. Personally, I don't think Lolita is all that interesting to read, but it helps to have an outlet for that side of myself.

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  5. This is a wonderful place to be who you need to be. A place where you can feel free without feeling like someone is taking from you. I'm so glad that Musicman is there for you, and you can know he is there to love you unconditionally. It is beautiful. God bless you and Happy Easter, Belle L.

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    1. Happy Easter to you too Belle L. I couldn't agree more, this is a wonderful place and I'm so lucky to have found it.

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  6. This is a place where we can be free to be all aspects of ourself. Happy you have found Faerie's voice again and that she has returned though I know she was never very far. :-) Hugs, Terps

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    1. No, she was never very far, she's got no place else to go. I still think some aspects of myself are too dark to share here, but that's why I have Lolita :)

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  7. I am so glad you are continuing to blog. The way you feel about faerie is the same way I feel about my monkey. Monkey is the core of who I am,the fresher, simpler, cleaner, but no less complicated part of me. I completely understand what you mean about innocence.

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    1. I'm glad you understand about the innocence, it's a hard concept to explain, at least for me. It's nice to know too that having all these different facets of myself isn't as unusual as I first thought it was.

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  8. I am glad to know both my friend hugs.

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