Saturday, March 30, 2013

DD...with a twist.

Musicman often says that I'm a deep thinker. He's right about that. I've always been envious of the fact that he seems to have the ability to turn his mind off. Mine runs constantly, on multiple tracks which sometimes collide. That's never a pretty sight.

One of the things my mind seems to be obsessed with is how I got to be this way. When I say "this way" I mean, where did my submissive side come from? I don't know why I am so obsessed with figuring this out, understanding it won't change anything for me. It's sorta like the question, which came first, the chicken or the egg? Does it really matter? No, yet I still waste so much thought on it.

These thoughts often take me back to the beginning. One of the things I have realized is that at the beginning, our relationship really was a DD relationship. I don't identify as a DD wife. I do not get punished if I misbehave. Of course, I so rarely misbehave that if I relied on that to get spanked, it would never happen.

That is not because I'm perfect, believe me, I'm not. What I am is very well trained. Which makes me wonder, how did that happen? Well, that's why I say we did have a DD relationship at the beginning.

Did he spank me back then when I displeased him? Oh! Hell! No! If he had tried that, I would have decked him, probably still would. We don't even pretend to do punishment or what I've sometimes heard termed as funishment. I just don't believe that would be something mentally I could handle.

That is not a judgement of the DD couples that do use spanking as punishment. If it works for you, go for it. I just know, it would never have worked for me. Any kind of blatant punishment would cause me to shut down completely. That does not mean though that there were not consequences and accountability, there were.

He has always had his standards, his expectations of me and how I behave. In the beginning it wasn't easy for me to conform to his standards, or to meet his expectations of me. I struggled quite a bit early on, it was slow going in the beginning. Epic fights occured.

There have always been consequences for my actions. Those consequences were never a spanking, they were something much more meaningful to me. 

The most effective tool in his arsenal is for him to shut me out. Ignoring me is the absolute worst thing he could do to me. That was often the tool he used to punish me if I misbehaved or acted out. I don't know that I actually thought of it as punishment at the time. What I did think was, I didn't like the way I was being treated and if I behaved, acted in a way he found acceptable, he wouldn't do that to me.

Conversely, if I was behaving well, in a way he approved of, he was always quick to praise me. Positive reinforcement is what I respond best to. He seemed to instinctively know that about me, or maybe that is an ingrained reaction for him. I don't know, but that doesn't really matter. What does matter is the fact that I very quickly learned how to be the woman, the wife, he needed and wanted.

Pleasing him has become second nature to me and I think that is a very good thing. I don't struggle with expectations. I have no issues with putting his needs and desires before my own. I know, without a doubt, he will always be there to meet my every need. I can do no less for him, he deserves that and so much more from me.

16 comments:

  1. oh. my. goodness. me. This post has just made a huge astonishing light bulb go off over the top of my head! DD relationship but with ignoring rather than spanking - yes! Yes indeed!

    Gosh.

    that's made a lot of sense of things, actually, thanks

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    1. I'm glad I could help. I've spent a lot of time thinking about this before realizing the truth of things :)

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  2. Glad to see you back and posting again!

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  3. It makes so much sense. And it worked for the two of you and that's all that really counts. You have found a way to have connection and closeness within your marriage and really, isn't that what we're all looking for?

    Hugs,
    PK

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    1. Yes, the connection and closeness is what counts. I don't know why I felt the need to unravel this knot, but I did and now I have :)

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    1. I can't take credit for that trem. I read it somewhere, just can't remember where :)

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  5. It doesn't matter how we all define it or change it to work for us, what matters is that the 'tool' brings us closer in our relationship with each other.

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    1. That's very true. I just had the need to understand, now I do :)

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  6. How lovely Faerie. As I've said before "whatever" works is the way to go because we are all striving for a better relationship with our loved ones. Happy Easter to you and yours.

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    1. Happy Easter to you and yours as well Sunnygirl :) But, yanno, I have a deep need to understand it all. I always have and now that I do, it's on the next knot to unravel, lol.

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  7. How nice that pleasing him has become second nature to you. Your wonderful relationship certainly meets the needs of both of you. Thanks for sharing.

    FD

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    1. Your welcome :) I think I've always had the need to understand better, how we both tick and how that effects our relationship. Having this place to explore it all is very helpful in understanding it better.

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  8. I know I commented here but it seems to have disappeared and now I can't remember what I wrote...great post and thanks for sharing... Hugs, Terps :-)

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    1. Thanks Terpsichore, I'm glad you liked it :)

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