Inspired to DIY

I am still thinking about everything that happened recently. I did manage to sort things through enough to write an email to Musicman that was not an epic novel. He kinda prefers I just boil it all down to specifics for him. It's not that he isn't interested in understanding things, he's just more interested in the part about what he needs to do.  I did remember to tell him this time that I sent it, he has read it, but he hasn't said anything about it. That's not a surprise.

I needed to not think about it today. If I dwell too much I will just start to spiral again and I don't want that.  I have some other stuff going on that if it works out, could help sway the situation for the better anyway. I will know more about it all tomorrow, hopefully. Since there was nothing I could do today about it I took some inspiration from all the lovely ladies out here.

It may just be my choice of reading, but it seems like floggers have been prominent lately. I had a lovely piece of suede that has been begging to become a flogger. I always enjoy a good DIY project, so I spent some time this afternoon making one.

I started with an 18 x 20 rectangle. I cut strips varying in width from 1/4" to  2/3", I left about a 6" solid band across the top. Once all the strips were cut, I folded the band over and then rolled it tightly. I was going to then use some leather cording to wrap and finish the top for a handle. Currently I have an elastic hair band on it holding the roll closed. I think the leather cording may make the handle too thick. Any suggestions?

The hair band holds it well enough to be used, so Musicman can try it on for size while I think of a more permamnent way to finish it.  Of course I did try it out a bit to make sure it was secure. It has an interesting soft sting to it. I can think of quite a few places he could try it on. I will leave the specifics of those places to your imagination.

I don't think it is going to be the quietest of implements so I'm not sure when we will get to try it.

I left it on his pillow under the comforter for him to find when he goes to bed tonight. He may not dream about it, but I probably will. Sweet dreams.

Analysis of a Meltdown

It's been a busy couple days of various vanilla type activities, and thinking. Lots and lots of thinking. Things got a little bit more confusing before they got better, but they have gotten better.  It was very hard for me to write the series of posts that I did last week. They were not any easier for Musicman to read.  But they needed to be written. I needed to get it out into the light of day so I could see it a little better.

I've been having these meltdowns off and on since I got sober. I believe they are a combination of post alcoholic depression and menopausal hormone storms. I have been treating them physically with a variety of things and writing is helping tons too. They are getting some better and we are hoping that at some point they are no longer an issue. Only time will tell on that one.

Spanking is part of the physical aspect of addressing these episodes. Needless to say we haven't exactly gotten that part right yet, not consistently. When it works, it works great, when it doesn't work, it can be a bit disasterous. It has been difficult for me to figure out what the problem is because these episodes, once they end are hard for me to remember. They have a very fog like quality for me. All Musicman sees is me being very quiet and withdrawn, sometimes tears. Usually during these times I stop writing posts and comment very little on anyone else's blog.


Being able to focus outside myself during this last episode enough to be able to write it all out, is a big step forward for me. I think I might actually see what the problem is now. I'm not sure I am able to put it all down in writing yet in a clear concise way, but I'm not done thinking either.

One thing I do know is that I am very grateful for this community. All the wonderful supportive comments helped keep me moving enough to get through it and get it all written out. I like to take in all available information and mull it over before making a decision. I sometimes think I consider too many sides of some issues, but I don't think that is possible in this case. In this case, for me, the more information the better and I appreciate so much all the information shared out here.
Thank you all.

Broken Spirit

It's 3:30 in the morning and I should be sleeping. I'm not because I can't turn my brain off.

Things have not gone as well as I had hoped for this weekend and I am feeling quite defeated. I'm past the pain and hurt, I'm past angry. I'm just empty and defeated. I tried talking and received little to no response from him. That is his typical response when things come along that he does not want to deal with, ignore it until it goes away. He knows this is a problem and he does it anyway and freely admits when I push him on it that this is the case.

It continues to take me doing something drastic to get a response from him. He did finally react when I got my purse and keys and was walking out. When that happens whatever he does seems like too little too late. I always give him the benefit of the doubt and listen to him, because I really don't want to leave. I do my best to keep my temper under control and make an effort to speak intelligently about what I need. I often fail at both, but I do at least try.

Eventually we get to a place where I am all talked out, but we never seem to actually make any significant progress. We cover the same ground over and over and over and go no where. It's frustrating, but I put that aside and try to figure out where I have gone wrong, what I have failed to clearly communicate, how can I fix it.

I keep coming back to the same conclusion. For whatever reason, he does not want to put forth the effort needed to help me. Not surprisingly, he feels he is making an effort. I have a very difficult time explaining that I need more from him. I feel guilty even asking for more and that too seems wrong. It very much leaves me feeling like I'm in this all alone.

When I get to that point my mind takes the next logical leap and tells me if I'm going to be alone in this then I should really be alone. I should leave. That idea used to scare me, it used to make me feel like it was an illogical panic reaction. I no longer feel that way. I am starting to accept the fact that maybe I was wrong, maybe we weren't meant to be together forever.

If my choices are to stay and be unhappy or leave and be alone, I'll leave. I'd rather be alone and have some chance at being happy then be together and make both of us miserable. I never thought I would be one of those women that walked out after decades of marriage. It's beginning to become a very real possibility, all because he can't or won't make the effort to understand how important this is to me.

He's more then willing to meet my needs as long as he gets to define those needs. I'm willing to do just about anything for him, but I'm not willing to do that. It took me a long time to trust someone enough and be secure enough to recognize what I really needed. Now that I have I don't think I can just ignore it to make things easier for him.  I have now come full circle and am back at square one.

Something Simple

                                                                                                      

It's been a bit of a rough week.

Just a  small little melt down to muck things up. I'm thankful it's almost over. I always look forward to the weekends and time spent with Musicman. I'm making an effort to get to a good place to enjoy the weekend.

So I had a "me" day.

I spent some time relaxing   

                                         

                                                                                                   

                                                                                                                                 and pampering myself.           

I gave myself one of these:

   
                                                    and made sure to do some grooming
                                                                                       
                                                                                           

       

I primped and polished

                   


                                         and donned one of my favorite sundresses

                                          

If I look good, I'll feel good 



Now all I need is some of this, okay, maybe a LOT of this
  

             and possibly some of this  

                                             


               
                                                                        let's not forget this    
   

Then I can feel this

Peace, at last.

The Bitch is Back

The cast of characters for this post is as follows:

Em - my emotional mind
Rat - my rational mind
faerie - submissive me
Bitch - the real me


Rat, did you hear that noise?

Yeah, I heard it, is that faerie?

No...faerie doesn't make noise like that. I think...it might be...

Oh No!!! Quick, Em, run!!! It's the Bitch!!!  I told you we would wake her up if you didn't shut up and stop crying.  No, don't cry now...RUN.


That's right you snivelling sissies, you better run. Infernal arguing, driving me nuts.

Hi everyone, allow me to introduce myself. I'm the Bitch. I'm the one who's really in charge of this show. Oh, I know faerie thinks she's in charge, that's just cause I let her think that. She was so much easier to deal with before I acknowledged her.

She has really become a pain in the ass since I let her start talking. Now she thinks she is smart enough to make decisions for us. Haahaahaa, that is so funny. She can't make decisions. She's way to soft for that, always stopping to consider everyone else. So pathetic. She can't even handle Em and Rat arguing without falling apart.

I gave her a chance to get it under control. She blew it, she cried and she cleaned and she wore herself out. And what did that accomplish? That's right, absolutely nothing. I was ready to step in sooner and she begged me not too. She said she would be okay, she said Musicman would help her. I knew better, but sometimes I find it amusing to watch her struggle. They call me the Bitch for a reason, ya know!

She thinks he is her knight in shining armor and will come to her rescue. She is so naive, there are no knights in shining armor. He is not going to come and rescue her. She doesn't even realize he doesn't care if she is here or not. One of these days I'm going to get really ticked and tell her the truth.

The truth is he likes me better. I'm the one he is used to dealing with. I don't require nearly the amount of time and energy from him as faerie does. He knows if he just sits tight and waits it out I will step in and take care of things. Sure, I may not be soft, affectionate and submissive like faerie is, but he doesn't really want that anyway. He is quite happy with me, thank you very much.

Sooner or later he will realize she is gone, he may even want her back. It doesn't work that way though, I don't just let her out simply because he decides he wants to play with her. Oh No! I can't ever make things that easy for either of them.

No, he has to step up and prove he can protect her and keep her safe before I will let her back out. I may not like faerie much, she is just way too needy for my comforts, but it's my job to make sure she doesn't get hurt. I take my job very seriously. He didn't rescue her when she fell apart, I did. Now she's back in my control. Bwahaahaaahaaa!!!!

One of THOSE Days

I'm having one of those days today. The kind of day where I wake up in tears and struggle to get out of bed. The kind of day where the guilt overwhelms and the storm of resulting emotions envelopes me in darkness. The kind of day that brings millions of questions and no answers. Yet, it seems so critical that I find the answers.

If there was ever a day I needed a spanking it's days like today. The pain is already here, sitting right below the surface. Boiling and bubbling and pushing to get out. I try to ignore it, that no longer works. I try to channel it into productive activities. That only diverts it for a short time, it doesn't vanquish it.

I try to rationalize the feelings. Instead of being helpful that just causes the argument between Em and Rat to get that much louder. Em wants me to accept and embrace fully who I have become. Rat has a whole bucketful of reasons why I can't.

I poke holes in the bucket in an attempt to drain away the reasons why I can't be who I want to be. That does nothing to change reality. I want to hide from reality because this particular reality gives me anxiety attacks. I'm ashamed that I'm not stronger.

I used to be so much stronger. I used to be the one everyone leaned on. I used to be the one everyone looked to to have the answers. I am not that strong anymore. I can't hold anyone up right now. I have no answers. What do you do when you are no longer the person everyone thought you were?

I've found myself telling Musicman more times then I am comfortable admitting, "I'm trying so hard." He tells me I'm trying too hard. I tell him, "I'm not that strong anymore." He says I don't have to be that strong. The truth is, I don't know how to not be strong, I don't know how to not try hard.

I think the real problem is that I'm fighting for the wrong thing.

I need to turn my brain off for awhile as all I'm currently accomplishing is a headache.

A Baking Kind of Day

I mentioned in my last post that when I first approached Musicman with the idea of exploring a D/s relationship he didn't think it was much of a change for us. I agreed with him. It isn't much of a change for "us". It has however been a big change for me. I needed to change.

I have been at a bit of a crossroads in many different areas of my life this last year.  Starting on this journey hasn't changed me fundamentally, but it has brough me a better understanding and acceptance of myself.

What I needed to understand was that I had already changed. Once I did understand that, I needed to accept those changes. In many ways I have come to that place of acceptance. It was actually pretty easy for me to do that, mostly because Musicman has accepted the changes.

He has always accepted me and who I think I am at any given moment. He also sees the real me and accepts her too. Sometimes those two things aren't the same. Sometimes that can cause problems for me.

Musicman has always been right beside me, supporting and encouraging me in whatever endeavor I decided on. He gives me his opinion and view on the situation. I don't often tell him how much I appreciate that. His views and opinions are usually very different from mine, but they never fail to bring to light aspects I have over looked.

I have been dealing with a very stressful issue for some time now. I know how I would like the situation to work out, but I don't have that kind of control over this particular situation. As I deal with this situation I face rejection on an almost daily basis. It can be very depressing.

In an effort to keep the depression at bay I intersperse the activity with others I enjoy throughout the day. I dance while I clean, it makes me happy to provide a clean, comfortable home for Musicman to come home to. I bake several times week, all Musicman's favorites. It lightens my heart to pamper him and feel like I am making things a little better for him.

The hardest part about facing the rejection is the feeling of letting him down it causes. This feeling is purely internal on my part, he does not think this way. When things get too bad, and I get lost in the negativityof my own thoughts and feelings, he is there.

He is always there, holding me up when I need it, and picking me up when I've fallen. No, this journey hasn't been much of a change for us. He has always been the leader in this relationship and I wouldn't have it any other way.

I've spent quite a bit of time on this particularly stressing project today and am feeling a bit down. The housework is done, I think I'll go bake something for Musicman.
He deserves more then a crying defeated wife when he gets home.

Cupcakes anyone?