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This whole experience with my computer has been, for me, an interesting look at how D/s works for us in our everyday lives. It highlighted a couple of different issues really. One is the fact that Musicman doesn't really understand how important it is to me. My computer, that it is, not D/s. He voiced more then once the fact that he didn't understand why I was so sad about it not working.
I explained every time that it isn't the computer, it's the friends that live in my computer that I can't connect with that makes me sad. This is one of those glaring differences between us that neither really gets, but we both accept. He has never really understood my need to connect with other people. Other then a few chosen close friends and family, he doesn't have that need. I would even go so far as to say that the only thing about TTWD that he finds in any way odd or unusual, is my need to talk about it.
He worked on it quite a bit over the last few weeks, trying to get it fixed. I'm so grateful for that. He didn't have to spend his evenings after work and time on his day off doing that. He even spent hours working on it during football games, something I would never have asked him to do. He did it because, even though he doesn't understand my need to connect with others, he accepts it. He knew it was important to me, so it became important to him too. That's pretty cool when you think about it.
Something happened when I took my computer to be fixed that highlighted another aspect for me. Ya see, I had a moment. I was standing at the counter talking to the computer guy, other people were also there being helped. There was a bit of noise, but nothing too distracting. The guy told me how much it was going to cost to diagnose and fix my computer. It was significantly different from what they had told me over the phone. It was significantly more money then I would ever spend without checking with Musicman first. I had a moment of panic, because Musicman wasn't there for me to discuss it with.
In that moment, everything went quiet, except for the man being helped next to me. Everyone in the area clearly heard him say he was looking for something to put on his computer to catch his wife cheating. That simple statement set off a firestorm of thoughts that rained down on me so quickly, all I really got were emotional impressions. But, it was enough to jar me out of my moment of paralization and make a decision. I'm happy to say, when I told Musicman about it, he said he would have made the same decision. That made me feel so much better.
It's not that I can't make decisions about how to spend money, I just usually don't. That's his job, not mine. It's not something I ever really thought of as submissive, it's just the way it works for us. We have very different thoughts and feelings about money and how it should be handled. I willingly let him handle all of it.
I, for one, have absolutely no interest in money. If I could figure out how to survive without it, I would. I have always worked and contributed monetarily to our family, but I hate having to manage it. My paycheck is direct deposited and my pay stub comes in the mail, I never look at them. I have a separate account, for use with my kindle and online purchases, he monitors it for me for problems.
He handles the day to day management of the finances and if I want something, I ask for it. I don't specifically ask for every little thing. I'm free to spend as I see fit, within reason. We don't have any problems deciding what "within reason" means to either of us. In fact, I'd say that I define it more strictly then he does. That's because I appreciate the fact that major purchases and how our money is managed are his choice. It gives me the freedom from worrying about it. On the surface it looks like financial submission, maybe it is, I don't know. What I do know is, it's what I want and what works for us. That moment, yesterday, made me realize how much I've come to depend on it, on him.
So, in conclusion, I'm baaaaaack!!! I'll be spending time over the next few days, barring work and holiday commitments, getting caught up with everyone. Reconnecting with all my friends. Many thanks to you all for hanging in there with me through all the whiny posts.
